I Pit a Candy Thief

[Khaki_Campbell]

About the laxative-to-trap-food-thieves : couldn’t you argue that it as was in fact for you, as you’re into some kind of weird scat fetish ?

[Kimstu]

@Khaki Campbell

About the laxative-to-trap-food-thieves : couldn’t you argue that it as was in fact for you, as you’re into some kind of weird scat fetish ?

Um, and if you did? ISTM that the possible outcomes would be these:

1. The judge doesn’t buy it, and you owe damages and court costs for having deliberately drugged your food as a booby-trap for your pilfering co-worker.

2. The judge does buy it, and everybody involved with the case and your workplace now believes that you put laxatives in your own food because you’re sexually aroused by playing with shit.

On the whole, I think I’d rather just let the pilfering asshole take my (un-tampered) sandwich.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Kimstu

Well, same deal: seems like perfectly good retributive justice in theory, but in practice A Lot Can Go Wrong.
That would be less grisly [snerk], but still not immune from the horrific unintended consequences thing.

All in all, while I sympathize with the desire to give housebreakers and lunch-pilferers their comeuppance, I think it’s probably a safer world for all of us if setting traps for them remains illegal.<snip>

I suppose. Stupid conscience.

[Guinastasia]

You could just spit in it.

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

What we’re talking about here is a man trap:

Mantraps that use deadly force are illegal in the United States, and there have been notable tort law cases where the trespasser has successfully sued the property owner for damages caused by the mantrap. As noted in the important U.S. court case of Katko v. Briney, “the law has always placed a higher value upon human safety than upon mere rights of property.”[3]

But you could catch a thief if you caught them in a modern mantrap:

A man-trap in modern physical security protocols refers to a small space having two sets of interlocking doors such that the first set of doors must close before the second set opens. … “Man-traps” may be configured so that when an alarm is activated, all doors lock and trap the suspect between the doors in the “dead-space”

Or you could switch to sardines. I had a thread about it.

[chorpler]

@Khaki_Campbell

About the laxative-to-trap-food-thieves : couldn’t you argue that it as was in fact for you, as you’re into some kind of weird scat fetish ?

I actually had a friend drink part of a bottle of lemon-lime magnesium citrate soda that was in my refrigerator to help with some constipation. Whoops…

[Lynn_Bodoni]

Well, I guess he wasn’t constipated after a few minutes. That stuff is pretty effective, and pretty fast. Notice that I have not used the word gentle to describe it.

[HMS_Irruncible]

Just to inject my standard plea into the two minutes hate… the person stealing your food probably is not one of your co-workers, it’s probably someone else who has access to that room (cleaning crew, security guard, visiting contractor, an “office creeper”, etc). So please don’t go around broadcasting your disappointment in your formerly trusted co-workers with toxic passive-aggressive messages.

I once worked in an office building where probably 500 people had security card access to our floor, and another 5000 people could have tailgated in behind someone else who had authorized access. Not exactly Ft. Knox here. Yet someone had their precious $40 Ansel Adams calendar stolen, and fired off a blistering email to 50 or so people in her immediate vicinity. Needless to say this failed to result in the calendar being returned, but did result in intense scoffing.

[Cat_Whisperer]

At the contract I’m currently working at, one woman leaves her purse open, with her wallet and smartphone right up top, on a counter right beside the aisle that everyone walks through. Another woman leaves her smartphone lying around on her desk. If this was a downtown office, her wallet, smartphone, and purse would all have been stolen the first time she did that - the office often has no staff in it, or just staff in offices that can’t see the other desks. I can’t get over how cavalier some people are with their possessions at work - I’ve had money taken out of my wallet at work before, and I never leave my purse lying around exposed. I don’t think most people are thieves, but SOME are, and you don’t tempt them with an easy score.

[Erdosain]

Yeah, we just did this last year: People stealing my lunch, is it ok to make a cat food sandwich? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board

DigitalC actually made a catfood sandwich and had it stolen. No word on any blowback since them.

[Guinastasia]

How about candy that turns your entire mouth bright blue? Just crush them up and voila! You’ve caught the thief!

[Silvorange]

@Cosmic Relief

Just to inject my standard plea into the two minutes hate… the person stealing your food probably is not one of your co-workers, it’s probably someone else who has access to that room (cleaning crew, security guard, visiting contractor, an “office creeper”, etc). So please don’t go around broadcasting your disappointment in your formerly trusted co-workers with toxic passive-aggressive messages.

There aren’t very many people who don’t count as co-workers who have access to our mailboxes, so it probably was a co-worker. I don’t care what category the culprit falls into. Anyway, there is nothing toxic or passive-aggressive about saying I am pissed that somebody stole our candy and spoiled our Valentine’s Day fun.

I love all the trap ideas. I decided not to go there for fear of escalation. I know, it should have been my maturity that stopped me, but that never works.

[Shot_From_Guns]

I dunno, Guin’s idea about the mouth-dying candy seems pretty safe. It’s all embarassment and no gross-out.

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

Except that you might find the thief’s… kid. Or who knows. As has been pointed out.

[EvilTOJ]

Who would steal food from work and bring it home to feed their kids with it? I mean in an office environment, not at a restaurant or bar or something. It seems pretty unlikely.

I’m surprised it took 14 posts before someone mentioned the law.

[Shot_From_Guns]

@Try2B_Comprehensive

Except that you might find the thief’s… kid. Or who knows. As has been pointed out.

So what? The point is that the person eating stolen food will have a blue mouth, which will not hurt them in any way except in their pride. A kid would probably think it was cool.