I Pit Allen Keys and Build-It-Yourself Furniture

Once upon a time there was a man named Allen, or maybe that was just the company’s name, I don’t know and I don’t really care. Allen said, “You know, the world seems pretty well served in terms of the number of available types of screwdrivers. We’ve got slot-head for simple stuff, Phillips screws if you want the driver to be able to cam out, and Robertson if you don’t. So I think I will invent a totally unnecessary new type of screwdriver.” And the Allen Wrench was born.

Then the furniture companies said, “You know, we’ve got a pretty good deal here selling furniture. But wouldn’t it be even more profitable if we could sell furniture without going to the bother of assembling it. Then we could fire some of our employees, make more money, and cause people to be frustrated and injured.” Some advisors said, “But customers will complain if we give them unassembled furniture.” And the company owners said, “Well, we’ll fix that two ways. First, we’ll manufacture lines of super-cheap-ass stuff people won’t mind assembling. Then, for some expensive stuff, we just will neglect to mention it needs to be assembled.” Then they fired the advisors.

Well, they realized that to sell unassembled furniture they would need to include things like the screws and bolts. They also realized people might go postal if they did not have the tools to fasten the screws and bolts. But it cost money, money better used to print pink slips, to include screwdrivers with every kit. What to do?

“Hey hey,” said Mr. Allen, “Have I got a solution fopr you. Instead of including real screws with real screwdrivers, why not use my Allen screws and Allen keys? As you can see, this worthless disposable Allen keys only cost about two cents apeice, because they do not have handles and the ends bend and wear out after being used on three, four screws, tops. We can do this because the keys are made of cheese.”

The furniture company owners though this was a great idea and signed a contract that said that they would use Allen screws and keys in furniture kits until the end of time. They also secretly signed a deal with Home Depot that that store would never, ever, ever stock Allen key bits for power drills.

Now, you might think this all happened because Mr. Allen was a sadist. But you would be wrong. He was, in fact, psychotic.

So I paid $1400 for a goddamn fucking dining room set and it wasn’t even fucking assembled, surprise surprise, so I had to assemble it by hand, and of course the fucking Allen key was made of cheese and was shit within 15 minutes and killed my hand, so I had to spend two fucking hours scouring hardware stores for fucking drill bits and when I finally got somh enad got the fucking chairs assembled, found that the kit for the table did not include any fucking TABLE LEGS for fuck’s fucking sake.

Allen: Fuck you
Leon’s Furniture: Fuck you
Home Depot: Fuck you

Good rant.

I particularly enjoyed this part:

I’m assuming that you didn’t see a picture or model of this legless beauty before you bought it, right? (Unless you’re going for a Japanese sort of theme in the dining room…)

And then you found out it was particle board.

I generally prefer allen wrenches to standard or philips-head screwdrivers. Much, much easier to use. They don’t slip ouf of the screw’s head as often, and the bend in the wrench makes it easier and faster to screw things together. Of course, I never use the ones that come with cheap-ass Ikea furniture, because they make the damn things out of Silly Putty.

Alan Keyes, on the other hand, is a fucking douchbag.

Then a friend of his, Raplph Torx, who had customers in the automobile building industry, got a great idea …

You realize that with a hacksaw you can turn that bent allen wrench for your hand into an allen bit for most power drills, I hope? I’ve not always had enough room to use this modification for particleboard furniture, but when I have the room it works great.

Don’t blame me: I voted for Obama!

[hijack] The term you’re looking for is KD [/hijack]

Carry on.

I feel your pain, brother. My wife loves Ikea and assemble yourself furniture.

I bought an allen wrench set. I think it’s a craftsman set. It’s made of steel instead of that crappy used bubble gum that the Ikea ones are made of.

I’ve not had any real complaints about the Ikea furniture that comes home. I did have a wonderful experience assembling a crib a couple of years ago. Before I start, I make an inventory of all the materials and compare them against what the directions say I should have. This crib - The inventory designated each piece by a letter, the step-by-step had letter designations, and the instructions themselves were in French.

I opened this thread thinking that you had spelled this guy’s name wrong.

Me, too. I spent a half-second trying to figure what Alan Keyes had to do with DIY funiture.

Never mind.

I want someone to Illustrate the OP and make a childrens book out of it.

BiblioCat, I spent a similar amount of time trying to get it.

A couple of years ago, I moved out of an ex-BF’s place into my own apartment, starting out with very little furniture. A couple of trips to IKEA later, my hands are absolutely RED and RAW from dealing with those goddamn little faux screwdrivers.

Oy vey.

Maybe you can pit your town’s Home Depot, but not Home Depot in general. (At least for this.) I know their online catalog shows power Allen keys – but the generic name is hex driver bits, Allen is a trade name.

Look at the online Home Depot catalog – it shows the DeWalt hex driver bits made of shock-resistant heat-treated steel, Model DW2068 – the Home Depot in-store part number is SKU # 698438.

This is Daddy. Daddy’s knuckles are bleeding. Opps, Daddy just said a bad word. Can you say “FuckinfragilefuckingkeysmadeofcheesemakemyknucklesbleeddieAllendieyoutwistedsadisticmotherfucker”?
I bet you can.

I love Allen keys. On a purely aesthetic basis. They’re one of those weird things that just make me all tingly and happy. Putting together furniture is therefore a treat.

I also like phillips head screwdrivers. Hmm. They’re just neat.

So buy a proper set of Allan keys and stop using the disposable ones.


The store is supposed to know that you wanted to accessorize?

Huh? He bought a kit that was supposed to include chairs and a table. I don’t think legs for a table count as “accessories.” Their sort of essential in differentiating a table from a slab of wood, really.

I’ve grown to like Allen screws, at least when you’ve rounded off your screwdriver bit there’s already a hole started in the screw for drilling and using an ezy-out to remove it.
I reserve all my dislike for Billy TriWing.
Now that really is a bugger when you’ve got a worn bit.