My roommate chews with his mouth open as he shovels food he didn’t pay for down his face. Then he licks his fingers and grabs the TV remote.
He belches loudly, frequently, and unapologetically.
Last week he was pissed that his tax return hadn’t come in yet so he couldn’t make rent. So freaking sorry the government couldn’t bail you out of your financial stupidity. Guess your dad will have to do it again, you 30 something psycology major looser.
He gives me $40 a month to cover his share of food and utilities. Swears it’s all he can afford.
And worst of all, because he didn’t have a job, he could sit at home and beat my video game before I got past level 2. Then he volunteers tips as I am playing. Not like part of the fun is solving the puzzles or anything.
My worst roommate was the guy who used to get phone calls at 3 am several times a week and sit on the stairs directly over my bedroom talking for hours on end. This is while I was working two jobs and going to school. Bastard.
Add not showering often enough (which sucks b/c we are in a dorm room and it makes the bedroom smell and I am 2 ft from him in the study room) and leaving food out. Also I know its not his fault but I just can’t stand how he looks it just pisses me off.
I think I have it: After urinating on his toothbrush, I’ll pile up all the dirty dishes he leaves for me to clean in his room so the ants come. With any luck, they’ll attack him as he sleeps and chew out his rancid teeth and foreskin.
Lock the fridge. Buy him a big bag of rice and a big back of dried pinto beans at the beginning of the month. Point out to him that it’s all he can afford.
Or just kick his ass out. I wouldn’t put up with that shit.
I need advice quick! We’re watching the new South Park on the tivo and I know he’s already seen it because he turns to watch my reaction everytime there’s a good joke! Fuck! How can someone be so pathetic?! Guide me, dopers!
AveDementia, that is so beautiful and perfect. Like a delicate, six pointed snowflake of disdain, dipped in hot sauce, drifting down and stabbing him in the eye.
I always thought about doing these things to our old psycho, alcoholic roommate:
replace his shampoo/conditioner/lotion with hair removal cream or crazy glue
fix him a chocolate cake with ex-lax in the icing and leave it for him while we were away for the night
I did swish his toothbrush in the toilet once, my DH’s brother pissed in it and left it overnight so it would be nice and ripe (he was gone for the weekend)
when my BIL was living with us, he wasn’t working for a while and didn’t pay us rent, utilities, etc. for about 10 months (it’s family), so when we went to the grocery store, we bought those economy packs of ramen noodles and told him he was only to eat those and drink water, amazingly he obliged . . . go figure
Have fun! I have had more than my share of bad roommates, which is why I had an eviction on my credit until recently. People are psycho, really.
I’m with you on the awful chewing thing. One of my college roommates would buy a bag or two of gummi bears a week, and while she ate them she’d glomp and slurp and smack…ugh, it was awful. I could hear it even over my headphones. It was bad enough to make a visitor comment once.
She also had long, curly hair that would get stuck on the carpet and stick together and form a sort of…mat on the floor. It was disgusting. And she never vacuumed the room…eventually I just did my half and the common part of the floor to see if she’d clean up her part of the floor herself, but she didn’t.
She was psychotic in a lot of ways I won’t get into here, but those things were the hardest to endure. She’s lucky she’d not dead right now.
Very funny, but I’m too chicken. I think I’d replace his shampoo with hand lotion. Harmless, but befuddling.
Throwing someone out shows up on your credit or does getting thrown out? The first just seems mean. But if it is true, my credit is just bad enough that I might put up with him to aviod any more blemishes on my credit rating.
My roommate last year would get a big cup of ice from the dining hall and then just absentmindedly chew it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG.
She would regularly get phone calls at 3 am, and despite the fact that we had a cordless phone, she would not go out in the hallway to talk (we shared a 12’x15’ dorm room).
I’m glad my roommate this year is more normal. And next year I get to live in an apartment. Hooray.
Years ago, when I had roommates, things started out just fine.
But I noticed little things that just got worse as time went on. One roomie’s brother came over to hang out and ended up living on the couch for several weeks. Another friend dropped by from out of state, and stayed for two months on the other couch. They all slept during the day, while I was at work, so of course it was natural for everyone to stay up all night.
One of the established roommates liked to read in the (shared) bathroom at night. For hours. He would take his drink and a can of snuff, and sit on the toilet (I don’t know if he had his pants down, never checked) while reading. He would use a styrofoam cup with a napkin crumple inside as a spittoon, then he would LEAVE IT WITH THE OTHER ONES in a row atop the medicine cabinet and on the high shelf above the shower, and of course on the toilet tank. I wish he would have used the spittoon all the time, because he would spit on the toilet too (I’ll leave that to your imagination.)
The other guy decided he wanted a cat, so he got this obnoxious little beast that had every bad trait a cat could have- clawed everything up, left “gifts” all over the place, and yowled whenever it got quiet.
It became unbearable when the cat guy decided to move his stuck-up girlfriend into the place. She had nothing good to say, ever, and actively worked at getting the rest of us out of the place instead of moving to a more appropriate place herself. I understand that they broke up not long after everyone left, but I don’t know the details.
If the place wasn’t in Boca Raton, I would have left much sooner. The only mitigating factors were the pool and its view.
