I Pit my dad for unironically pointing out that he retired at 50, and that at 36, I've never worked

Right, and Stephen Hawking is practically in a locked-in state and wildly successful, but only one person can sit in the Lucasian chair at a time.

Holding up the few disabled people who manage to launch successful careers then telling the rest of the multitude “why can’t you do this well?” isn’t at all helpful. Disabled people are at a sharp disadvantage in the job market and they will be less likely to be hired at all levels. They will need more education just to get a foot in the door.

I don’t, actually, know why etv78 didn’t go to college but without a degree he is essentially unemployable in today’s market. My spouse managed to go to college… but it took him longer than 4 years to get his degree. It certainly didn’t help that back then it was legal to deny people scholarships or financial aid based on disability, so at least that’s changed for the better. There were several jobs where he was hired only to learn later he was being paid half what the able-bodied doing the same job were. Looking for work in this area he has been told, flat out, several times that the company doesn’t hire “cripples” or “gimps”, which of course is illegal but when it’s one person’s word against another’s there’s little recourse. Keep in mind, my spouse isn’t nearly as disabled as the OP and that’s what he’s been up against all his life.

So yes, your high school counselor was one of the lucky ones, but look at the reality of quads and damn few of them ever work. Same for paraplegics. The odds are probably slightly higher for people who were able-bodied then became disabled because they at least have some sort of work record to hold up.

It’s comparable to, say, actors. While there are a few big-name successes something like 95%+ actors don’t ever actually make their living acting, they have second jobs waiting tables or bartending or some such. That’s the reality of life - damn few make to the big time. Except nobody chooses to be disabled and you can’t suddenly decided midlife to do something with your life other than being disabled like an actor can go back to school and get a nursing degree or something.

The vast majority of disabled people can’t find work, and the more disabled they are the worse it is. If etv78 lived next door to me I’d like to be able to hire him but I’d have to ask what job skills he has, and there’s the additional complication that our production machine is up a flight of stairs which presents a definite navigational problem as there is no way to fit a lift into this nearly century old building. OK, maybe we can arrange for him to work from home but what skills does he have? Can he do small business bookkeeping? Answer the phone? Can he do design work? Maybe if we were able to re-locate to a grade-level shop we could hire him to work the machine, as all the controls and everything are accessible to a seated operator (because my spouse, who can’t stand very long, designed it that way) which would be grand but unfortunately it’s not feasible right now. A damn shame, too, as we would definitely be understanding of etv78’s issues due to his disability but we can’t redesign the building we’re in and we don’t live next door to him.

Fact is, society presents enormous obstacles to him finding work. Holding up the example of a quad who’s a high school counselor or a blind lawyer or whatever isn’t going to change that. If the businesses where he lives aren’t willing to hire him at a living wage (and it does cost more to survive when you’re disabled due to additional costs the able-bodied don’t have to deal with) then either society needs to fund his acquisition of employment skills, or subsidize him to the extent that he need not starve to death or die of a bladder infection or pressure sore, and, oh yes, have some minimal entertainment so he doesn’t go crazy. You know, at least as well as we house minimum security prisoners. Anything less is a terrible injustice.

Dad almost surely feels guilty for having fathered a child with a birth defect. But instead of constructively channeling that guilt into, say, doing and saying good things with/to his son (or working hard or getting a therapist to vent to), he bitches about it to his son as if it were his son’s fault for being born that way.

ETV–you must know that there are plenty of disabled people who manage to pay rent and live on their own on SSI. If you didn’t, now you do. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s certainly possible. You really ought to investigate that option, because you’re not doing yourself any favors by continuing to live with toxic people. Even if you can’t live alone (which it sounds like you should be able, but I don’t know your situation), you can find a cool roommate and split the rent with them if you are willing to take the time and effort to do so.

Nope. Dad adopted him knowing about his disability.

He does live alone.

That’s correct, but I think she’s right that he resents him for being disabled or resents that etv78 can’t just “overcome” his disability. I haven’t read that many of evt78’s threads, but his father seems to offer zero sympathy.

It certainly seems that way. However, it also seems that etv78 never answers follow-up questions as to what, specifically, his father/parents tell him that make him so angry. There was, of course, the incident where his father brought over some furniture for him (for free), and etv78 was seething mad because his father put it in the wrong corner of the room or something.

And I’m certain we’ve never heard why exactly his father was responsible for etv78 not finishing college. The devil is in the (unspoken) details.

As already noted, etv78 is adopted and his disability would have been obvious from birth. For whatever reason his parents decided to adopt a kid with a disability. Maybe there’s some regret there, I don’t know.

He does live on his own, and even started a thread about it when he finally got his own apartment.

Also as pointed out, there are unanswered questions here, but etv78 is under no obligation to reveal more than he does. I’m really not bothered by people blowing off steam in the Pit, it’s sort of why it’s there.

I feel like every time I come on the SDMB these days, I need a primer on who’s who and which poster is mad at what other poster for some story they told three years ago. I’m always behind on who’s supposed to be shunned for which apparent character flaw.

That’s why I just shun everyone. It’s easier. You’re all a bunch of bastards.

No one succeeds all by their lonesome, and this is especially true for the disabled. It could be that your guidance counselor had a significant other or family members who were able to help him reach his full potential, either monetarily or through logistical support.

I know that if I were become quadriplegic, I would have to go on to disability. Not because I wouldn’t want to work, but because I don’t have anyone who’s willing to wipe my ass and feed me day after day. And I don’t have the money saved up to pay for these services. So I’d get on disability and get on Medicaid and try to do the best I can with the limited amount that I had to work with. Which probably wouldn’t be very much. And no “against all odds” story in Reader Digest would be enough to change this.

I once read an article about Braille users. If you can learn Braille well as a blind person, you can go far in life. The problem is that Braille is really hard to learn. So most people who learn it have above-average intelligence. Which means that you can’t afford to be merely average if you are blind. I’m certain the same holds for other disabilities.

Your guidance counselor no doubt possessed exceptional qualities that enabled him to become independent. It’s great to take inspiration from this. It’s not so great to use it as a weapon against others who are not similarly endowed.

It’s okay for ETV to pit his dad, but before I jump on any bandwagon pitting, I would need to hear from the dad himself. One-sided stories typically have another side…sometimes they’re legit, but a lot of times, they are not.

Or it could be that Dad is just tired of hearing his nearly 40 year old son blame every freakin’ problem in his life on Daddy (or someone else).

At some point in a grown-up’s life, they have to accept that the past is the past, bad stuff happened and move on. Regardless of how super-evil daddy is for having the unmitigated gall to have “a wife who needed him” and not funding college, after 18+ years, it’s the OP’s own damned fault for not growing a pair and trying to do something beyond whining about his daddy not buying him a college education.

Bitching about how hard it is for a disabled person to find work? Fine. I’m sure it is. Bitching that daddy was “a selfish jackass” so it’s daddy’s fault that he didn’t “finished college, and maybe even grad school, 10 years ago!” is just pathetic at age 36.

That’s it. You’re on my shun list. Hope you’re happy.

No shit! Well yay, that’s progress. Next step is emotionally untangling himself from the people who piss him off.

Did dad adopt **ETV **on his own, or was it maybe mom’s idea and dad just went along with it? I have a hard time understanding how someone could purposely seek out a disabled child and not be an overall awesome person.

That’s just the thing. He probably is an overall awesome person with a son that thinks otherwise.

I’m not sure that’s true – at least not if the laws for regular Social Security disability and SSI disability are similar.

My first husband took a job after applying for and being denied Social Security disability. He managed for about four months and had to quit. The brief job wasn’t held against him in the appeal – it was considered a “trial work period”.

It wouldn’t make sense for the government to write the rules in such a way that penalized people for getting better.

Yeah, there could definitely be some missing information here. Which implies fault on both sides.

Regardless of what the dad says, it’s 100% etv78’s decision on how to react to him.

I could see a totally awesome person adopting a disabled kid and down the line being disillusioned when the miraculous Hallmark movie ending didn’t happen. There’s a certain grind to living with a disability no matter how wonderful life might be otherwise, and most disabled people don’t wind up with a middle-class or better lifestyle.

It all depends.

As I said, my spouse has the same problem etv78 does, but in a milder form. When he applied for disability benefits his prior work experience WAS held against him and he was denied. And denied on appeal. And denied on appeal again. And that was it, the official final ruling was that he wasn’t disabled. Even though he’s got problems you can spot from across the room as soon as he tries to walk.

The sort of disability we’re talking about doesn’t “get better”. There is surgery performed when the person is a child, usually immediately after birth these days (my spouse had to wait six weeks while they debated whether it was worth doing what was then experimental surgery or simply setting him aside to die as nearly all other kids with the problem did in those days), sometimes some additional surgeries while they’re growing up to correct problems caused by paralysis, then that’s it. There’s no “getting better” after that. We’re talking about nerves that are either non-functioning or never ever formed in the first place.

Well, maybe down the line there will be some sort of stem-cell thing but good luck to the average disabled person to ever be able to afford it.

The big question I have is why the hell that matters. There is always missing information. All we can do is react to the information we do have. I don’t get the need to hold out on sympathy because you might not have all the information. It’s not like you are going to be hurt if you accidentally give out too much. But you sure are going to hurt the other person if you don’t offer enough.

In no other pit thread have I seen people say that they think the other party has to come in and give their side before they can believe what the OP said.

I have no problem believing that what the OP said is accurate. Unless dad is contributing to his son financially, I can’t see how it’s any of his business how his son is making money. I have a hard time coming up with any reason why anyone would make a comparison between an able-bodied man and a disabled son.

Could there be more to the story? Sure. But it sure sounds like dad did do something wrong. And I can definitely understand why this particular thing would upset any disabled person. Any implication that you are just lazy instead of sick is upsetting, even if it’s unintentional.