My father f*&^ed me over about 10 years ago, pretty much derailing me from my life, costing much chance of anything resembling a “normal”, “fulfilling” future. And she doesn’t get WHY I’ve NEVER forgiven him, and NEVER will!
I’ll bite - what did your father do?
(I always love a good story…)
Didn’t you read the OP? He "f*&^ed " him.
Over and over, it appears.
Parents can be awful, but to say that 10 years later he did something that kept your life from being “fulfilling” is (to be honest) a bit whiny. If you are a free American adult you’re kind of responsible for your own “fulfillment”.
Hanging onto this notion that you were permanently jammed out of being “fulfilled” is wallowing in being a professional victim, and not likely to get you forward.
To begin with, I’m disabled astro, so manual work ain’t exactly in the cards for me.
No on to how he f’d me: I’m adopted and the state evidently told them that they’d handle all my financial issues. They backed out at some point, and my father needed his damn , so he drove me into a workstudy position. Prior to receiving the workstudy , he BITTERLY resented that I was unwilling to put my GPA in jeopardy during a 3-week intersession (did do summer classes though). Not having much experience with dealing with common teenage things, like juggling a part-time job, or having girlfriends, the situation did not end well for me (and he RAISED me, so he KNEW about my life experiences, or lack thereof). Prior to all this going down, my college life was chugging along, I was on course to graduate in about 5 years. After all this any motivation I had, and my life went off the rails, not helped by a school year living with my brother in a less than wheelchair-friendly house, where the roomies sat around getting stoned much of the time. I should also mention that at one point I had the chance to move into a subsidized, accessible apartment, and I STUPIDLY let them convince me it was a bad idea. Why didn’t my mom stand up for me, you may ask? Well, she was a SAHM for most of my life, and one son was in college at the time (future inaccessible roomie), one was in the military, one has a wife she’s NEVER liked, and my sister still lived at home, so she couldn’t afford to piss my dad off.
I DON"T expect you guys to care, BTW, just needed to vent. And the Pit is where we vent, right?
It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that your OP didn’t give us the info on why we should care.
And yes this is the pit… it’s OK to type out the word “fuck”.
Fair enough Jain, and you’re right about my “Unnecessary Censorship of the Week”
And I’m still not clear what exactly he did to you.
You’re blaming your Dad for throwing your motivation “off the rails”, because you feel he made bad decisions about the most appropriate vocational path for you due to lack of funds and life difficulties, which were compounded by your mobility issues, and this made you lose the motivation to move forward.
Wheelchair or not this is a childish perspective. Parents do not make perfect decisions under the best of circumstances, and a parent with a child who has special needs might be even more prone to making poor decisions out of desperation or fear. You are an adult and decisions on motivation and fulfillment are entirely in your hands at this point. Reaching back to flog your father for not making (in your opinion) perfect decisions at the perfect time is pointless and self defeating.
My mother was a truly hard core alcoholic. My father was absent a good deal on overseas State Dept. assignments, and I was the oldest one of the three onsite kids, and I had to deal with the brunt of her craziness, violence, and nonsense. It warped the way I viewed a lot of things. I was furiously angry with her. It was a white hot rage.
I had pitched battles with her up until the age of 18 when my uncle, her brother and a rear admiral, who was visiting drew me aside in the middle of one of these battles, and told me point blank that I had to accept the fact that she was an alcoholic, she had been an alcoholic most of her adult life in one form or another, and she would likely die an alcoholic, and that was that. He told me I HAD NO POWER to change that reality, and that I had to let go of my anger and frustration because there was NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. I had to release my grudge against her or it would chew me alive.
You had no power, and no say at the time as to how your dad reacted to his financial panic. You have no power to make him a less frightened, less petty, or more generous person. The mistake (in your opinion) was made and you said “fuck it”. Holding onto this fury over a parental fuck up 10 years past is pointless and self defeating. Whether he is, or is not, a complete tool there is NOTHING you can do about his bad decision making ability. You have no power to change this aspect of his personality.
You don’t need to forgive him for being stupid, you just need to accept it as his nature and move on. Holding onto this huge fury is pointless, immature and will only wind up harming you in the end. You need to let it go and move on with your life.
astro-we had different pasts, but we BOTH had crosses to bear. i applaud :rolleyes: you for getting past it. As I said, I have no illusions that my fellow Dopers would have any empathy, just needed to vent.
FWIW, I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who constantly told my I was a fuck up and would never amount to anything. He paid for my sister’s and brother’s college education - I got $200 and “lots of luck”. My mother did nothing to help. She too doesn’t get why I never forgave him. So that part of your OP I sympathize with.
The other part not as much. I wont pretend I can imagine the difficulties you struggle with but ten years after the fact seems like plenty of time to turn things around. For instance, unless I’m reading your post wrong it seem like you let your brother and your roomies talk you out of a subsidized, accessible apartment, not your dad. These types of things you need to take responsibility for.
I have my own things from the past to deal with and some of them eat at me more the older I get. It’s hard to let things go even when I know that not letting go will ruin my life.
I have a lot of sympathy for you and some advice that if you can’t let go, find someone to talk to to help you. Even if you can’t let go mentally right now try to do the things you would do if you could. Think of all the things you would do right now if your past wasn’t holding you back, now do them.
Now to go take my own advice.
Being able to attend college is a privilege, not a right. Not every kid has a family who is able to afford to pay for their college. Who cares if you father drove you to work-study? Many college students do W/S, including my own children. I haven’t met one W/S student who has complained that their job was too burdensome. In fact, most say that the jobs are laughably easy and that they’re able to get a lot of studying in while getting paid.
You’d better learn how to juggle many things effectively now because it doesn’t get any easier. Add in a 50-hour-a-week job, a hefty mortgage, a wife, a yard, a dog, and two kids into the mix and you’re probably staring into your future. It only gets more complicated from here on out.
Oh, and be sure to take all the “extra” money you’re bringing in and throw it into a 529 account for your children, lest they child turn around and blame you for derailing their lives by making them work AND study when they could be sitting around and getting stoned like their roommates.
Time to grow up and start taking charge of your own life. And try to start pecking away at the massive chip you’ve got on your shoulder because it’s not really becoming.
Well, I got nuthin’ OP.
My dad was a prince among men, highly regarded by all who knew him. The world is a much worse place now that his is gone.
However, I worked a full time, 50+ hours per week job while I got my university degree and my dad didn’t contribute anything to it. Well, I suppose he was encouraging on the phone when we spoke but he certainly didn’t send me pots of cash towards it.
I guess he’s actually a bastard that I should never forgive, not even 10 years after the fact. Who knew?
Grow up, OP. Grow the fuck up you whiny bitch.
I can appreciate that life is harder in a wheelchair. I have a good friend in one. He has to get up, shove a suppository up his ass, and wait until he craps before going on with his day so he does’t have an accident. He has to lug around a urine bag strapped to his leg and hope it doesn’t break again in line at the bank. He’s lucky quad so his hands and arms are not up to par so he’ll never make watches for a living. Yet he plays league rugby, tennis and basketball. Open a door for him and you’ll get the “WTF, do you think I’m handicapped” look. He’ll ask for help if he needs it.
He’s been in his chair since he was 17, the whole time refusing to let him slow him down. I have a lot of respect for a person who fights through hardship and comes out near the top, even if they don’t make it to the top.
FWIW - everybody reading this thread went through this exact same thing, with or without wheelchairs. Dealing with new girlfriends and stoner roomies while maintaining a GPA and trying to earn some cash is the college experience. What happens in class is just the backdrop. (A fun and interesting backdrop of course.) Still, the point of college is learning to be a grown-up while handling all the grown-up details of life, work & girlfriends.
It’s not your dad’s fault that you dropped the ball the first time. We all do. The lesson is - what do you do next?
So your mother doesn’t get that you’re a whiny, butthurt little bastard? Okay.
Being stuck in a wheelchair sucks (I mean, I don’t know from personal experience, but this seems reasonable enough to take your word on). If your complaint were fundamentally about that, I’d be all with you. Life has fucked you over in a manner you deserve to vent about.
But your complaint is apparently fundamentally about your dad instead? And the fact that he had you (I’m not sure; it isn’t clear) do work-study in college? Maybe that wasn’t the best decision, but it seems like a typical imperfect parenting decision made by average, fallible parents.
I guess I’m confused as to why this was such a life-destroying, evil offense that you’ve had to severe relations with your father (and strain relations with your mother) over it. Is there more to it than that?
You already had some classes completed, and you weren’t going to graduate for five years? What are you studying, ballet?
ETA: Vinyl Turnip, Bachelor of Arts (1988-1993)