Fuck YOU, Daddy..Maybe you should have loved me more...

The BBQ Pit
1

Oh my God. I just went off on my father and I am at once sad, glad that I said what I did and sad that he made me say what I did.

My dad (and I have LOVED him so much for my whole life) has become a ignorant racist asshole and I am getting so that I cannot stand him. But, I LOVE him. Dammit.

He is 75 and will find any excuse in the world to go off on those N-word (soooo sorry!) and I am just not about that. I love him so much but I find this SO offensive. He went into a a whole story the other night about watching Gone With The Wind all the way through and how beautiful it was at the beginning. I am thinking to myself, yes, the houses were beautiful and Vivian Leigh was so lovely and Clark Gable was so handsome and I am glad that he had a nice evening watching this old film since he is lonely since my mother just died in January. And THEN HE SAYS how great it is to see the N-word hoeing cotton in the fields and how beautiful it is. Oh my God. I just about gagged. He thinks he is funny and I just ignore what he says but it makes me sick. I know there is no changing him now but, damn, he is sounding so ignorant and it is embarrassing at the very least not to mention how he is poisoning himself with hate over his apparent jealousy.

Today he really pissed me off. I had a terrible couple of years with this recession, to the point of almost losing my home and everything and I did lose a lot that meant a great deal to me (my horses that I still cry about daily, they were my CHILDREN, for fucks sake, as well as my mother having a stroke and going into a wheelchair THE SAME DAY as my horses going down the driveway leaving my farm and I lost a lot in many ways 2009-2010) and he had the NERVE to say to me today that I haven’t experienced any big losses in life. I totally lost it and told him that he didn’t know anything about what happened to me and how much “BIG STUFF” that I had gone through. He knows but only cares about himself and demeans anything about my life.

Of course, him and Mom would have seen me and my husband homeless before they would have helped financially even though they have the means. That is probably why he demeans my losses because he feels guilty at not helping. They are so cheap and have never really loved me I know it. They have, honestly, never done anything of substance for me, ever, despite my being an only child. But, I have accepted that as part of my journey and they are the way they are. I still love them dearly. There is so much history here but, basically, they denied me almost everything as a child to fund their hobby.

Gah!!! I love him so much and would do anything for him and I have sacrificed so much for him and my Mom before she passed in the hopes that they would love me and maybe even be proud of me. It hurts so bad to be so…dismissed, I guess. My God, they didn’t even realize that I had been married 25 years when we “celebrated” our 25th wedding anniversary (we were so broke that year that we were both working many hours and they didn’t even notice that it was 25 years…I mean, in this day and age, wouldn’t you be proud of your daughter for being married for 25 years??? Fuck)

God it just hurts so bad to be so unloved and uncared for when I love (and loved my Mom) them so much and they (now, he) wouldn’t care if I lived or died unless it cost him a buck.

Tell me that there are more of you out there who feel the same about your parents. I feel so lonely and I don’t have any children. They are all that I have. Thank God I was blessed with a very loving husband! Otherwise I would have no one in this world. Time to go have another glass of wine to calm down.

I call the miserable fuck every day because I LOVE him and want to know he is okay and I just dread it. Plus, I have to go up to his state many times this year to help him (all at my expense, he will not ever do anything for me) 500 miles away to clear out the mess of a house. And, I will, because he means something to me and hopefully he will love me. Maybe.

2

Thank you so much for letting me get this off of my chest to somebody. I have been a LONG TIME (like 15 years or so) lurker and I feel like I know so many of you.

I really need to see a professional about the resentment that I have built up inside of me. It is poisoning me and making me a bad person and I don’t like myself very much anymore. But I can’t afford it even though I pay $400.00 per month for health insurance. Gah. $10,000.00 deductible and all that.

But maybe instead of being such a nice, compliant little mealy mouthed say-nothing offensive little gal, I have had ENOUGH and it is pouring out of me to those who offend me.

Thanks again. It feels good to write it out. I have no one to talk to in real life. What a sad bitch I am.

3

Selfish mean miserable fucks are just not very good at loving people.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he is not better to you, or that he’s not a nicer person in general. As your father, he owed you love and care, and if he didn’t deliver on that, it’s not because you somehow didn’t earn it.

It’s good that you are committed to being a good person and a good daughter, but I think you should stop hoping that it will somehow get him to love you more or be more supportive to you. Hasn’t worked for the last, what is it, fifty years? so it’s not very likely to work now.

If I were you, I’d start today on practicing saying to myself, “He’s my father and I love him, but he’s not a nice guy and he never cared for me as a father should, so I’m going to quit knocking myself out trying to win his love. He doesn’t deserve it, and I’m going to focus more of my time and attention on people in my life who do deserve my love.”

Maybe start calling him every other day instead of every day. You’re obviously not going to neglect him, nor should you, but stop falling all over yourself trying to prove what a devoted and lovable daughter you are. Instead, take a bit of that devotion away from him, and just maybe he’ll develop a little more appreciation for its worth.

Or maybe not. Selfish mean miserable fucks don’t change much.

4

Unless you’re a martyr or a masochist, I see no point in you continuing torturing yourself in this manner.

5

You said “has become.” How new is this? If this behavior is really sudden, I’d think it had something to do with senility.

6

Geez, I dunno what to say. You sound awfully lonely to me; perhaps it’d be worthwhile to try to make more friends.

Do you have any hobbies? Hobby groups are one way to meet people in a friendly environment. Woodworking? Model cars? Quilting? Star Trek? There are real-life groups for all of those; go to meetings, meet people; a few leading questions and suddenly you have people to talk to.

And if your dad’s a dick, well, he’s a dick; if you haven’t gotten any validation from him for 50 years, you’re not going to get it now. Try to stay calm, try to detach yourself a little.

And don’t be calling yourself a “sad little bitch”; if you don’t think well of yourself, nobody else will. Do you have good days and bad days? Could you be suffering from depression, which could be medicated for?

7

Catharsis can be a very helpful thing. Glad you got a lot of that off your chest. Family can be impossible. I don’t have any answers for you, but at some point you have to accept your parents, and other family members, for who they are. And not think they’re going to become the people you want them to. You just have control over yourself. You’re doing the right thing in seeing after your father, especially after you mom’s passing, but you do that because of who YOU are. And you should feel really good about that. It sounds like that your dad may be a racist, or he may be just trying to push your buttons. Probably a bit of both from what I read. But that is him.

I’ll just add that he and your mom must not have been too horrible, as you come off like a really nice, responsible and caring person. When it comes to my parents, I try to give them more credit than they probably deserve for all the good stuff, and try to give them a break on the bad stuff. I try to remember that they were not some perfect practiced parents who always knew the right thing to do or say, but just two people who were trying to do the best they could.

Try to focus on the person you are, not who they are. That’s helped me, maybe it’ll help you. Good luck.

8

No you don’t. You’re a grown woman desperately seeking Daddy’s approval and this is clouding your judgement.

9

My father was a narcissist who left my mother, sister and I when I was 5, and my sister was 3. It hurt a lot at the time.
As an adult, you can see parents a lot more clearly, and have more choices.
You might want to read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward as a start. Your self esteem and emotional wellbeing aren’t his responsiblity any more, they are yours. Good luck.

10

I second this. It’s something to be considered. In senility, the frontal lobes can sometimes lose control over the reptilian brain, you know.

I’m sorry for your situation, and also think counseling could help.

And I’m glad you were able to vent here on the SDMB. I’ve done it on occasion and it is indeed cathartic.

11

This. I unloaded my parents over 15 years ago and it’s wonderful to no longer be around people that don’t really care about any of their kids. Like the OP, I thought I loved them but turns out is was just leftover “they’re my parents so they should love me and I should love them” - what’s the word for when you believe something because everyone tells you should?

12

Duty?

13

No, there’s a word that covers when someone believes a fairytale because everyone around them tells them it’s true.

English sucks… :mad:

14

Well, what you’re suggesting sounds like “religion”, but personally I think “duty” fits better to the OP’s pattern of self-destructive behaviour out of some sense of social obligation to one’s parent.

15

If you came by less, he might actually ask you to come by once in a while. Would him asking you count as appreciation?

16

Learning to say “no” is important when overcoming dysfunctional family ties. I count myself fortunate that I was able to learn how to say no to my parents before my 30th birthday. A lot of people go their entire lives without ever learning how.

So, just say no. If your dad is pretty flush, then he can pay someone locally to clean out his house for him. If he won’t pay you for gas or your time when he can absolutely afford to, then it makes no logical sense for you to do more than the bare minimum for him. You know? So, If I were you, I might (at the MOST) look up a few local hoard-cleaning companies in his city. Then mail him a letter with their contact information and wash my hands of the problem. That way, he is empowered to take care of the problem on his own. Or, if it’s easier, just avoid dealing with it entirely and don’t worry about the house at all. Once he passes away, you can sift through the house and take the things that are special to you, then pay one of those companies to come and take away whatever junk is left remaining. The money for preparing the home for resale should come out of his estate, so that’d be a good solution if he’s stubborn and refuses to take care of the house before he dies.

Good luck! Learning how to say no isn’t easy, but it is very freeing.

17

I ran away from home when I was 16 due to physical and emotional abuse. I honestly never looked back.

There were and are times in my life when I’d have liked to have parents. High school graduation (that was tough because I was living in my car), various awards I’ve gotten, graduating from college and now I’m getting married.

Honestly, I think that my life is much better without toxic people, so my advice to you would be to just let your sperm doner live his life how he wants it. He didn’t support you, so why should you support him in his time of need?

18

“Myth” is the word I was looking for - my husband is more used to helping me find words I’ve lost. :slight_smile: The myth that parents must love their kids and that kids must loe their parents.

19

Sorry to be brutal, but FUCK YOO. You’re supposed to love your parents while they’re alive, and not the other way (you did say you love him. :slight_smile: )

It has been my experience that you spend the first half of your life as an independent adult trying not to be what your parents were. And you try to avoid every real or perceived mistakes they made. Understanding one’s father is one of life’s last lessons. I’m almost 50 and just starting to.

20

Yeah, that myth. Sorry, I have no love for the abuser or his - oh crap, lost another word - oh, enabler.