I think I hate my mom

I’ve recently stopped talking to my mom, I say recently, I haven’t spoken to her since last August, and emailed her saying I didn’t want anything to do with her around November.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, I have 3 brothers, and we all lived with my mom when my father left (she kicked him out) for a while arrangements were made for him to visit us on weekends, and slowly, he got a new wife, and my mom was still single. Looking back, I don’t think she took it well, she always made stupid comments, anyway, long story short, my dad reported my mom to the dole office for benefit fraud which he committed as well, all in the name of spite, plus we didn’t take to our new step mom well, and so the divide was widened, eventually it came to a head outside my grandmothers, where my father and his wife confronted us about why we never talked to him, we said we didn’t wanna know him since he complained about money all the time. Out of my three brothers, I took it the hardest, and after that moment, I didn’t speak to my dad for ten years.

Enough rambling, so the years past, being raised by my mother, and having no father figure, I kinda start to resent my mom, and it builds up, and it came to a head last year. Its been going around in my head for a few years, but all I think is that my mum restricted me specifically in what I did in order to make herself feel better, and this is hard to talk about but I’ve got a particular example, my brother came home with his girlfriend, we were all downstairs, and they went upstairs and started having sex, bearing in mind, we lived in a terraced 3 bedroom house and there were 5 of us living there. Me, on the otherhand, brought my girlfriend back, and she was sat on my knee, and my mom went nuts at me, this kind of double standard kinda angered me. I didn’t get a job until 19, because my mom didn’t want her welfare checks gone, and she always said I was the smart one, although when I wanted to do to the dorms at Uni, she persuaded me to stay at home, my mum also had a kind of fortress mentality, which she passed onto me.

In 2007 she meets some guy, after a year they get married, she moves out, then sells the house and we have to move, the shit doesn’t stop there, she dumps our kid brother on us, and then helps move in another brother without even asking us. We cut off contact with our grandma incas she talks about the benefits scam to her new husband, even though she said she wouldn’t, and that it’s like her daughter has died.

My mom isn’t evil or anything, she always helped us financially, we didn’t want for much, however, in terms of emotional support, there was no stability, no role models, I always got the inclination that I bore the brunt.

I apologise if it’s long, I’ve never talked about this before, it’s just I can’t shake the feeling off that she strung us all along and kept us around her until she jumped ship so to speak, worst of all, I have just realised this, now I’m angry, and I really hate my mom.

Mom hate is, unfortunately, common and potentially very damaging. I see lots of folks in therapy for this sort of issue, and it helps to talk to someone about your resentments and pain and then (I hope) come to terms with the fact that your mom is human, and humans make mistakes. This is not to minimize the real mistakes she made, and the real pain it caused you. If you can come to terms with your relationship with your mom, it will help all your relationships throughout your lifetime.

Does ‘come to terms’ Equate to talking to her? Because I really don’t wanna do that, not at this moment.

No, come to terms means not letting it eat at you anymore. Not talking to her is a good step if you feel that she is a negative force in your life, but her not being there doesn’t make all those bad feelings magically go away. It can be a really hard process but working through those feelings can be very rewarding and, in the end, you could find that you’re a lot happier after therapy. Think about it, it’s an option.

My mom isn’t anything like your mom, but there were times in my life when I really, well, I’ll say disliked her. Resented her and was really pissed about how she parented. Now I’m a mom and I see things from a different perspective. I think almost every parent tries to do their best, but some people’s best isn’t very good. Different rules for different kids could be because she realizes the mistakes she made with your older brother, or maybe even cares about you more.

Usually people get older and start to see where their parents were coming from. Sometimes, there really isn’t anything good there and the relationship is broken. I think for the most part, though, you start to understand that your parents are human. As you have the opportunity in your life to make more mistakes - some of them very big mistakes - it starts to occur to you that everyone is just slogging along and trying to figure things out as they go.

I don’t know, maybe you’ll never feel good about your mom, but I think if you give it time and focus on your life, you’ll at least be more empathetic toward her.

No, not necessarily. But it does mean learning to protect yourself from the poisonous people, reject the negative behavior and avoid pulling similar crap yourself, without the hate. Hate is tiresome.

Is it ok to feel that it’s not one particular thing she’s done, just a collection and series of things? This sounds weird, just I feel sometimes I can never really articulate cleary what she’s done, like there’s a haze around it. The OP was the best example I could give clearly.

Ryan_Liam, honey, you cannot change your mother. You can’t change anybody except yourself - that is, how you react to her. You handled your anger at your mother by ceasing contact and then telling her you’re ceasing contact. You do not mention if she had contacted you between August and November or between November and now. Are you angry because she has not?

It doesn’t really matter though, because it’s not about your mother anymore. It’s about you. The bottom line now is that you need to accept things as they are and learn how to own your decision, and for that you need counseling. Probably lots of it. Find a good therapist to help you through this. And if you already have one, he/she is clearly not helping you so get another one.

Your feelings are your feelings. They are legitimate. But the fact that you’re still fuming six months after telling her off says there’s stuff you’re not dealing with. And a message board can’t really help you with that.

Good luck to you.

I’ll second this.

Think about this: Are you avoiding your mom because when you see her SHE does things that hurt and upset you? Or are you avoiding your mom because when you’re around her YOU feel things or do things that you don’t like feeling or doing?

You might be angry now because you’ve realized that her past actions were damaging to you. But avoiding her won’t fix the damage. And if you figure out how to fix the damage, then you might find that you’re not so angry with her anymore.

It’s not that, it’s just ever since she got married to her new husband (my step dad is a good guy, alot better than my step mum) It’s pretty much destroyed the family and split it apart even more, there’s no anchor. The funny thing is, is that I used to get along with my mother quite well, I was close to her. Just now that I’m older, and away from her, I could look at our relationship a little more objectively, and now I think it was very damaging to my self esteem and how I viewed people, I can’t forgive her for that, it’s not because she’s got a husband, it’s just I don’t think let us grow and lead our own lives until she wanted us too.

Anything I talked about was trvialised, or worse still, sidetracked into a fully blown conversation about her own problems.

I’ll add that I LIKE my mom and I still have benefited from therapy.

Last fall I started experiencing a lot of unfocused anger and sadness. It wasn’t clinical depression, but it wasn’t good either. It got bad enough that for the first time in my life I went to a therapist. And I’m the sort of guy who won’t go to the doctor until I’m on death’s door – that’s how bad it got.

Without getting into details, part of what we discovered was that a number of behavioral patterns that I’d developed as part of the family dynamic when I was growing up were no longer working for me. My parents weren’t abusive – they were good people trying to do their best – but growing up with them had encouraged me to adopt certain strategies for dealing with life and other people and those strategies I’d learned in childhood were starting breaking down now that I’m in my 40’s.

Getting over being angry with you mom isn’t something you do for her. It’s something you do for yourself. Because if you’re carrying a lot of anger for her around in your head even when she’s not around … well, it’s like she’s still there, isn’t it?

Ryan,

I understand your anger at your Mom and even taking some time off from her. You really felt emotionally ignored and overly policed by your mother. I felt the same way. I grew up with a strong Mom who was very strict. It wasn’t until I had my own children that I realized how hard her job was. I had a Dad in the picture which added stability. I’m sure the divorce kind of wrecked her and her dream of having the perfect family and life. If she was on Welfare it means your Dad was not paying support. So your Mom was basically raising you on a shoestring budget. She would have taken a hit financially to let you work unless you could make up the difference in her Welfare. As hard as that is to understand just picture it from her perspective. She had to pay the bills on what little welfare pays and feed you and if you went to work she would not have had the money to do that.

Just don’t burn the bridge with your Mother behind you. Time and growing up and having your own family will make you see things in a new light. I had periods where I didn’t talk to my Mom and was very mad at her but today many years later I see she did the best she could with what she brought to the table. She raised me to be a good and decent human being and a good Mother. You will most likely make a very good Father someday. You will find yourself saying things your Mom said to you growing up and wince. Today I am very close with my Mother.

We always hate our best teachers. We think we know better and then find out they were right. This often does not come until we find ourselves as parents. I had no clue how hard being a parent was until I became one. If you are a single parent you can double that.

Good Luck and just give it time.

She didn’t contact me, she even kicked me off her Facebook, but she did send a christmas card to us. The ironic thing is that the father I never talked too, who was derided by my mom, is actually a kinda stable figure in my life, however I never discuss this with him, he’s as susceptable to trying to make us take sides as she is.

My mother was an alcoholic, my father was often absent overseas and they often fought like cats and dogs. They loved us, but her addiction made life an emotional and operational vortex. As the eldest on site child in the family, often without my father present, I was the point person for dealing with the craziness and drama, and it substantially affected the way I view the world.

Having said this, you really do sound like you are way too invested in pinpointing and (to be frank) kind of wallowing in how she messed you up. IMO it’s a pointless and ultimately self destructive exercise. You have your own life and the ability to make your own decisions as an adult. When I was 17 or 18 after one particularly vicious battle my uncle (my mother’s brother) took me aside and told me the following;

“Your mother is who she is. You cannot change anything for her she does not wish to change, and as a functioning alcoholic myself I am here to tell you that you have no power in this situation. You can rail and argue, and get in screaming fights with her, but it’s just a pointless exercise. There is nothing you can do to change this situation. All you can do is change your attitude and realize this is not your problem to solve.”

At that point I realized that holding onto all this animus I had toward her for her behavior was kind of a self destroying acid. She was who she was and holding onto my grievances toward her (the same way you are currently nursing multiple grievances toward your mother) was pointless, childish and emotionally self defeating.

She is not your problem to solve. You are an adult not a little child, and you need to let it go and get on with your life.

I really dislike advice involving “don’t burn any bridges with your mom. I mean, she’s your MOM!” Most people in the world suck, a lot. Unfortunately, a lot of us wind up with parents that suck. I agree that in general you should give family more slack than you would others, but if your mom has spent your entire life pushing you away, she’s gotten just what she wanted.

Restricting your relationships with other people is one of the worst things a mother or father can do and it can seriously mess you up socially for the rest of your life.

That’s nice you’re talking to your dad, but he is not a therapist (and if he is, he should not be *your *therapist). You need counseling with an actual therapist.

Again, good luck to you.

If she sent you a Christmas card that means she thought of you. I don’t know why she kicked you off of facebbook? I recently closed my facebook because I didn’t have the time for it and a few people thought I kicked them off. My advice is just to let it be for now. Give time, time. If she sends you a card send her one back. She may not have time for facebook. I can’t help with the Father part except to say that he is your Dad and he sounds bitter if he bad talks your Mom to you. It is very mature of you not to mention your Mother as he is apt to put her down.

I had a doctor tell me something once that made me see my parents in a whole new light. I was about 18 at the time and felt very unloved. This very smart man told me this: “Your parents are just the way they are, nothing you can say or do will ever change that”. Man, talk about bursting my bubble! I needed to hear that and then I could accept them the way they were not the way I wanted them to be. I had to let go of this dream childhood I wished I had and the loving parents I always wanted. The good thing was this turned out making me a more loving person and Mother. I think you will most likely be a more loving Dad and make a point to never repeat their failures with your own children if you are so blessed.

I hope this helped.

It’s no crime to hate a parent. Some parents are terrible excuses for human beings.

Your job is to get your head sorted out and figure out what’s best for you.

For me, the concept is more that you shouldn’t burn a bridge unless you’re absolutely sure you won’t want to use it again. When you are emotionally troubled like the OP is, that’s the worst time to be making that type of decision. Get the therapy, deal with your own problems, and then, if you still think you need to burn those bridges, go right ahead.

It’s basically an entreaty not to do something rash that you might regret later. Remember, the OP doesn’t really think his mom is that bad a person. There may be hope for the relationship yet.

And this has nothing to do with it being his mother. This has to do with it being someone with whom he’s spent a significant portion of his life in a pretty close relationship.

Trust me, you are probably better of “just not giving a shit” than “actually hating.” Hate takes a lot out of you and its no way to live. Not giving a shit, on the other hand, doesn’t hurt you at all.