I’m a white guy living with my black g/f. She proudly calls herself black because she thinks that African-American is a silly term since me calling myself a European-American would be just as absurd. We talk about race issues quite often and just think that it is f-ing silly to judge people on that basis.
Many years ago me and my father had a conversation about race and he said something along the lines of “What if your sister was dating a black guy. Wouldn’t you be against that?” And my immediate reaction was “No!”. I argued that if someone cares for someone in a partnership it doesn’t matter what race they are. I had only dated white women at that time but I still felt like it was a bigot type issue.
So now that I have a black g/f he does this fake acting BS where he pretends to act like it is okay. Obviously he doesn’t know how to deal with this. It is always awkward and just plain out of place comments being made about the situation.
I pretty much have no connection to my dad at this point. I have some guilt about this at points but then sometimes don’t.
Should I feel bad about cutting him off? I don’t but sometimes I do…if that makes sense.
If external validation is necessary for you to feel better, then yes, you are perfectly correct in eliminating contact with your father.
A lot of people are going to come in here and tell you that their lives have never been better since they cut out toxic people from their lives. They’re most likely right but at the same time irrelevant. The only people who matter here are you, your girlfriend and your father and probably in that order. You have the right to date whoever you please and your dad can’t say jack shit about it. So if being around your father makes you unhappy or stressed and being away from him reduces that stress, by all means, be away and feel free to tell him exactly why you’re not visiting. You can’t change other people but you can change how you respond.
I would say your father is making an effort to accept a situation he might not like very much. If he is making that effort, I would say let him make it; in time he might even come to accept it and approve of it. I wouldn’t confront him about it unless he confronts you or otherwise makes a really big deal out of it.
How much time has your dad actually spent with black people?
I agree with LouisB. He is making an effort. You may not be 100 percent satisfied with it but it lot better than him cutting you because you are living with a darkie!
He could easily be saying “I HAVE NO SON” but he isn’t is he?
You’re coming across in your OP and subsequent replies as kind of a smug, self centered jackass. A man who is apparently coming from a background where mixed race relationships were taboo is making an effort to politely accommodate himself to your relationship, and instead of appreciating the effort you pick at the imperfections of his trying and justify your attitude because you feel that his effort lacks complete emotional sincerity.
Social, cultural and institutional racism is still pervasive throughout American society. I’m sure this is not a news flash to you. If your father is not 100% comfortable with your choice in partners, but is polite and non-confrontational, even if he is conversationally clumsy, your attitude of “that’s not good enough, he’s out of my life” is puerile in the extreme.
Seriously, re-read your OP. You come off like a complete jerk to your father. If one of your future children chooses a relationship that makes you uncomfortable, but your keep you mouth shut and be polite to make nice, how much should your children despise you?
Is that different than the side-looking thing where you’re thinking, “Man, my son’s girlfriend is HOT!” or “Ow, I think I’m having a stroke?” In other words, are you sure you’re not placing your own interpretation on some otherwise innocent action?
You’re never going to find out what your dad is really thinking about by cutting him off, although doing so is certainly your right. He might actually believe he’s doing the right thing, the supportive thing by “acting like it’s okay.” How will he ever know different if you’re not around to tell him?
Surprisingly, even parents have to go through a learning process when faced with a new situation or an idea that is counter to something they learned earlier in life. One or two of us on this board grew up in times and places where black people and white people didn’t live in the same neighborhoods, let alone share the same bed, and (speaking only for myself) it took some experience with interracial couples and some personal conversations and some deep contemplation to challenge and eventually change that prejudice.
Your situation might be very different, but I know my dad would have been worth the effort. (RIP, Pop.)
If he were being actively hateful and saying jaw-droppingly awful things, I’d be the first to tell you to put some distance between the two of you (while sticking to the high road – you will never regret anything you say or do on the high road), but it sounds like he’s trying his best. The sideways looks – couldn’t they be an outward sign of how agonizingly awkward he was feeling? Fine, he isn’t Cool Tolerant Dad, but he’s likely doing the best he can, and doesn’t that count for something? Give him a break for being human, try to be as relaxed as possible around him, and set an example of dignity and adult behavior.
Yeah, it’s the 21st century, people should be willing to not judge based on skin color or religion/none or gender or sexuality or whatever. But we’re all individual people and can’t get rid of our preconceptions at will. As long as that’s pretty much all in terms of what he’s done, I’d advocate on the side of giving him a chance. This may be quite an eye-opening experience for him.
Alternately, sit down and have a one-on-one talk with him. Tell him you know he’s had some negative opinions about interracial dating in the past, and you’re hoping he’ll give your girlfriend a chance.
It sounds to me like you are pretty young, and you are really in to the idea of having a black girlfriend. My impression is that it makes you feel extra hip, edgy, and progressive. And writing up this drama for yourself where your dad is a huge racist makes the whole thing feel even more important and righteous. It’s you against the man, man!
Congrats, though, on getting the much coveted “permission to say black.”
I know this sounds a bit snarky, but in the post you didn’t mention a single thing about your girlfriend other than her race. And none of your problems with your father are about her or her comfort and happiness- it’s all about you. Her race isn’t your story. You are an ally, but it doesn’t become your fight by virtue of some kind of sexual osmosis. And a girlfriend isn’t a fashion accessory or an Obama bumper sticker. Try using her name (well, a pseudonym), mentioning something about her besides her race and not continually referring to her as “my black girlfriend” rather than “my girlfriend.”
So…your dad is showing a certain degree respect for you and your gf by refraining from making any critical comments on your relationship, regardless of what his true feelings may be - and this is pissing you off?
What do you want from him? Would you feel better if he was overtly hostile and showed what you believe to be his ‘true’ feelings? You want to cut him off for being as polite as he can, does that mean that you wouldn’t cut him off if he was honest about his feelings?
Sounds to me like your issues with your dad go a lot deeper than what you’re talking about here.
I’d allow your dad to fake it until he makes it, so to speak. Already he’s not being a dick about it, which is awesome for someone who may have preconceived notions about ‘other people’. So give him some time to get to know her and come to like and love her the way you do.
Quite likely, you’ve had the opportunity to mull over the positive aspects and difficulties of interracial dating for quite some time. To you dad, this may be something new. He may not have much up-close-and-personal experience with people that he may think are very much different from him. He needs some time to adjust and learn and it seems like he’s doing that already.
I personally wouldn’t cut him off and here’s why: your potential kids.
I’ve told this story before in different forms but the gist of it is: My parents are different races/religions/cultures.
Both families were dead set against their relationship and subsequent marriage, so much so that their parents refused to attending the wedding.
But the baby changes everything and both sets of my now-grandparents came around after they saw me. What’s not to love? In reality, it’s hard to hate a cute, gurgling baby.
So yeah, don’t cut him off, only because that flaming, racist bigot is probably a big softie and will carry around your adorable curly haired baby in a front style baby carrier all around town. They will jump - even fight each other - to babysit.
As far as your relationship with her goes, ask yourself the basics: do we agree on money, sex, careers and religion?
If you’re on the same page on all 4 (and my parents certainly are, in particular religion, which they both don’t give a shit about) then you’ve got the basis for a solid marriage and life together.
ETA:
Congrats on being a super duper asshole. We all know you traipsed around Africa for years hanging out with dark people, so therefore you have worlds more knowledge than the rest of us do about “them”. No matter that you only screw skinny gay boys by your own admission.
Whoa, lindsaybluth, BACK OFF. You have been warned, and suspended, for insulting other posters in the past. You should know better — and this is the only reminder I’m going to issue.
Telling a guy he has a fetish for black chicks is pretty insulting both to the OP - he called her a bumper sticker and a fashion accessory. It’s horribly insulting to the OP anyone who is involved in or a product of an interracial relationship, Ellen. Still, I’m sorry for the words used in MPSIMS.
That was totally uncalled for. What does my career or my alleged attraction to malnourished homosexuals have to do with anything? Whatever the hell you were trying to say (I think I know about African Americans because I worked in Cameroon? My points don’t count because you don’t think I had sex with black people- who apparently are never skinny or gay? Liking an athletic build negates any understanding of interracial relationships? Really, what was that? If these guys are so gay, why are they sleeping with me?)
I was a little harsh on the OP, hopefully in a “food for thought” way and not a “personal insult” way. I can’t comment on the reality of his relationship, but I feel free to comment on the impression his writing on it leaves.
I know a thing or two about interracial relationships, and generally don’t run around insulting myself.
If you’re looking for an excuse to cut off contact with your dad, then go for it, but you might regret it later. In this situation, however, it sounds like he’s trying really hard to not make a big deal out of your relationship when he grew up in a time when it was a huge deal in a lot of places. The fact that he’s putting so much effort into being supportive would be enough for me to cut him some slack, even if it does result in him being a little lame and awkward. Besides, if he keeps on acting like it’s not a problem for him, eventually it won’t be.
grew up in times and places where black people and white people didn’t live in the same neighborhoods, let alone share the same bed, and (speaking only for myself) it took some experience with interracial couples and some personal conversations and some deep contemplation to challenge and eventually change that prejudice.