I Pit My Ex-Wife, the Unhygenic Redneck!

The BBQ Pit
1

Gee, ex-wife of mine…you have fake teeth of your own. Why? Well, because you drink 35 Pepsis a day and you never brushed them! What did you think was going to happen? And after the extremely painful extractions you went through, and the embarrassment of having dentures, does this teach you a lesson about oral hygiene? No?

Does it make you want to enforce a hygiene schedule with our two sons? Well fuck no it doesn’t. Why? Because you are an ignorant, shit-headed redneck, that’s why!

I pick up my sons from her on Sunday afternoon. They’d been with her since Thursday evening, Thursday being their last day of school. I ask them after they are in the car: “Hey, did you guys brush your teeth every morning and every evening before bed?”…I get the “well, we DID a couple times, and uh…” excuse and it makes me so very angry…especially because something so fucking simple yet so very important to their overall health TAKES TEN MINUTES TOTAL to accomplish. Fuck that stupid, ignorant, tramp-stamp needing bitch right in the fucking eye-hole!

And to top it all off, I find out after we get home that they hadn’t showered or bathed the entire weekend either. “We were going to, we told Mom when you called and told us to tell her, but I guess she just forgot”.

Forgot my ass. I swear this almost seems intentional it’s so egregious. It’s like she’s trying to spite me by willfully disregarding my pleas for the children to be bathed and have their fucking teeth brushed. I’m not down with using children as some kind of pawns in whatever sick game she thinks she’s playing. Just keep them on their schedule, you numb cunt! Jesus tapdancing Christ on a pogo stick!

And while you’re at it ninny, have them go to bed at a reasonable time! Letting a 7 and 11 year old stay up until 2 in the morning isn’t fucking cool, regardless of whether they are in school or not. You are teaching them extremely bad habits that will impact their lives FOREVER! Asshole bitchface!

This is the same woman that once started a huge argument with me because I took issue with her assertion that drilling for oil was bad due to the fact that the Earth was very much like an orange, and oil drills were like multiple straws withdrawing the juice from within, which of course would lead to the inevitable collapse of the Earth unto itself.

Jesus wept.

/Fin

2

Show her this thread.

3

Hey, you picked her to procreate with. Lord knows what you were thinking.

Keep logs and haul her ass back to court and fight for full custody with limited visitation during daytime hours only (no overnights), since she can’t be trusted to responsibly care for their health and well-being.

4

I get the feeling that oral hygiene is not necessarily her biggest issue.

I feel your pain, but let it go. Just enforce the rule that “when you are at Dad’s, you have to brush your teeth”, get them a cool electric toothbrush, and save your ire for a better occasion. Like when she asks for extra child support because her new boyfriend needed bail money.

Regards,
Shodan

5

Excellent balance of topic, invective, and descriptive detail.

I give it an 8.5

Next time, work on the creative side of your invective: “Asshole bitchface” is just passe. However, to give credit, “Jesus wept” was a perfect finishing touch.

For actual suggestions, I would suggest using Dr Google Image Search to find images and video of nasty rotting teeth, and plopping the young’uns down in front of that a few times. That might make them a bit more likely to take ownership of caring for their own teeth.

6

'Minds me of a former sister in law. Green teeth were her best feature. Worst? Oh, maybe three young boys (under six or so) who were allowed to watch the goriest, most violent slash and horror films of the 80s. Not sure if there was a connection.

Mao supposedly abandoned all personal hygiene for the last decade of his life, and it’s reported that the Castro rebels who ran Cuba for the first few years were distinguished by their overpowering BO.

7

FoieGras,

Your description has made me curious; What made you marry her and have children with her?

8

I’ve got to ask, because ya know, the age of the kids is rather important when it comes to accessing responsibility for a child’s hygiene (or lack thereof). If they are 4 and 5, I can understand your feelings, but if they are much older than that, some of the responsibility for their personal hygiene falls on them.

9

The ages of the kids are cleverly hidden within the OP.

10

Further proof that the toothbrush was a redneck invention.*

*If anybody else had invented it, it would be called a teethbrush.

11

Yup.

This is one of those rants that should have remained a private thought.

12

I would have had a hard time getting over this, too.

13

She has no teeth. You have to ask?

14

Wonders if any of us hasn’t made mistakes in the past? As far as we know, the last time he stuck his dick in the crazy was 8 years ago. That’s a long time ago and I’m sure the OP has spent a lot of time regretting his mistakes.

From what I know about kids, they don’t really care about how their teeth look until they stop thinking that the opposite sex has cooties. The oldest kid is only 11, personal hygiene doesn’t matter much to kids that age.

So, while I don’t have kids or a toothless, irresponsible ex-spouse, I can certainly understand why someone would snap and post a rant here.

To the OP, I agree with the suggestion that you buy the kids some cool electric toothbrushes, along with travel sized tubes of toothpaste… Buy them their own towels and washcloths and ask people to give you the hotel soaps and shampoos. Kids love that shit. Its special to them and they can’t wait to use them. Its ok to buy cheap, because you probably already know that nothing you send with them will be returned.

15

I have to add: she does this shit too, so maybe you are onto something. I explain to her that it isn’t appropriate, and in the interest of full disclosure, the seven year old is terrified of the Saw films and whatnot she lets my oldest son watch and he vacates the room when she lets this shit go down…but still. He’s ELEVEN!

She just doesn’t care. The most hilarious excuse she gives me for this is that her Mom (a single mother alcoholic with no time to interact with her so in front of the TV she went) let her watch slasher films and she turned out fine (!!!) and that she let her daughter (and my former step-daughter) watch R-rated horror films as well and she never had an issue with it (said former step-daughter is 18, an allegedly recovering heroin addict who just showed up at her Mom’s boyfriends house with several FACE tattoos (two of which were on her eyelids), is on the lam from a warrant for violating her probation for heroin possession and has no life or prospects for any kind of future…unless of course her boyfriend’s band hits it big…which well then in turn justify her face tattoos, which of course are symbols of her boyfriend’s future first album cover.

Ay.

And yes, I married her. I fucked her. She used to be attractive. Some of the insanity granted I overlooked in the name of…whatever, but it only became more and more obvious and crazy as time went on.

So yes…I stuck my dick in the crazy and am reaping what I sow, however my sons are good boys and deserve better than their stupid mother. She gave them good genes as far as looks go, now she needs to step up and realize that she NEEDS to try to HELP ME HELP THEM.

I need to stop now. I am almost about to melt down in anger.

And VT…classic!

:smiley:

16

“You may now kiss the bride”…Yeah, no thanks. :eek:

17

offers the OP a beer and a big ol’ sloppy biker hug

Dude, listen to me. You can’t change her. I know that your rage is burning with the fire of a million suns, so vent and rage, but be aware that you can’t change her. She didn’t change for the better when you were married, why would you think that she will improve now?

All you can do is know that she is doing this shit and be proactive.

Do you want an other beer?

18

You know by now you will never change her behavior, and you will never, ever, EVER make her make the kids brush their teeth or bathe.
But you CAN teach them to be responsible for brushing their teeth, especially since the older one can remind the younger one. They can do that without her assistance. Same with showering, probably. (I suppose it’s possible she won’t allow it, but maybe if they take the initiative?)
And if they don’t, really…it’ll be irritating as hell, but they will be fine physically if they go a couple of days without brushing or bathing. They may stink and have bad breath, but it’s doubtful they’ll be in dentures before high school graduation, and as my wise principal used to tell me when I would want to call CPS about smelly kids: They aren’t gonna die from stink.
I know it’s infuriating, and it’s very likely a way for her to assert herself in the power struggle that exists about hygiene. All you can do is take away that power base by keeping it in perspective.
Good luck. Soon they’ll be old enough to WANT to be clean and have nice breath, and the whole issue will be taken care of.

19

It’s just a couple of days of funk and grime. As long as they are up on their hygiene when they’re with you, their teeth aren’t going to suffer that much. And although I know little kids can get rank, especially in warmer weather, were they attracting flies? Could you smell them coming from a mile away? If not, maybe the lack of bathing isn’t that big of a deal either.

The next time you drop them off, gently remind them to shower and brush their teeth. Maybe–if this is possible–call them just to check up on them. But I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. Just imagine you’re sending them off on a camping trip or something.

20

Maybe lecture your kids, or even scare them by saying they will get cavities and have to go through painful teeth removal if they don’t brush their teeth. Also tell them that they will stink and no one will want to talk to them if they don’t shower.

Also, you could try to win back total child custody, though you would probably need a really good lawyer…