I pit my Mom, Grandma, Sister, Aunts, Uncles, and Friends

The BBQ Pit
1

Stop, stop, stop with your fucking “when are you going to have a baby” questions! I don’t want one. You can’t make me want one. I love you guys and all, but I reeeeaaaaaallly don’t want a kid, and I’m not going to have one just to make you happy.

I know how old I am. I know my clock is ticking. If it weren’t such a major surgery, I would get fixed. I don’t want my life to change. For Og’s sake, I can barely take care of my dogs. (OK, I take care of my dog’s really well, but I don’t want any more responsibility than that.)

You people I don’t even fucking know… it’s none of your fucking business if I have children, or when I plan on starting a family. :rolleyes: Get a life, stop worrying about mine.

Did I say fuck enough?

2

When I run out of Cheetos to eat.

3

You answer should be “Never, now go away”. My Sister used this till people got a clue. It really did not take long.

There are a few childless by choice dopers so you will fit in here.

4

waving yummy cookies under Pima’s nose

Come on over and this question weighing on their minds will miraculously morph into…well, a bunch of other complicated questions…but the point is, they won’t keep digging at you at this particular spot over and over.

5

It isn’t really a major surgery, FYI. In and out within about 4-5 hours, barring complications.

But you know how I shut up all those busybodies who wanted to tell me about having babies? I had 3 babies in less than 5 years, and then they all started telling me I needed to quit having babies. Feel free to borrow mine to demonstrate to everyone who’s nagging you just how frustrating and exhausting babies can be. :slight_smile: I’ll pack 'em up and ship 'em right out.

6

I’m only 21 so I’ve never been asked “When?” but I’m constantly told “You’ll change your mind when you’re older.” Over the years there have been very few important things I’ve changed my mind on. I’ve never liked children and I don’t think I’ll change my mind about that.
So to all of them… a big “Fuck off! Live your own life.”

7

I used “talk to your heterosexual daughter!” to good effect.

8

My husband and I get this all the time. Not from family too much, but still some. My husband gets it at work all the time, or at elast he did. Many of the owmne there like him, he is a genuinely nice fellow that moved up quickly, amkes good money and is kind and compassionate. Thus, he always gets, you should be a dad.

Anyways, he wanted to put an end to it. So one day, on a whim, when someone said that he replied “My wife is sterile, we can;t have kids”. The outpouring of “oh fuck, I just put both my feet in my mouth” was immediate. Hubby calmed them down, said it is ok, they did not know. All he had to do is tell one person this. The rumor mill grabbed it up and no one has ever mentioned it again. It has been 6 months now.

9

I have two kids and love them dearly, but if neither of them wants to have kids, that’s fine with me. It has to be everyone’s individual choice. Plus you never know who’s going to be a good parent; one friend who I thought would be a fabulous mom has raised two howling brats, and frankly, she would have been better off not reproducing in the first place.

Well-meaning relatives will drive you crazy, though. If you ever get them to stop asking you when you’re going to have kids? They’ll find something else to torment you with. It never ends. Trust me.

10

Be sure and punch a few holes in the box, maybe throw in a bag of Doritos.

11

If you can look at them with tear-filled eyes and say, “We can’t. It’s too painful to talk about, though,” you’ll probably never get asked that question again. :wink:

12

I have no idea where that winking smiley came from.

13

Sorry DeadlyAccurate. If the OP’s family is anything like mine, this will only spur them to dig further, wanting every painful detail, no matter how personal or traumatizing. And, if denied, will happly make up their own and tell everyone in the community the tragic story of the OP and the candiru fish, complete with diagrams

14

Come to think of it, the OP might consider pre-emptively trotting out the candiru fish story on her own…

15

So go the opposite direction.

“Okay, okay, you’ve all succeeded in changing my mind. I should have my baby in two weeks.”

(Two weeks? But you’re not pregnant.)

“Nope. Don’t want to go through the birth thing. I made the arrangements over the internet.”

(Oh. You’re adopting.)

“Well, no, not adopting, exactly. I’ve heard too many horror stories about diseases and stuff, people trying to unload their flawed kids. You want a totally healthy white baby, you got to pay a premium.”

(Oh. Uh…)

“But I found this outfit out of Myanmar that says they can get healthy white babies at about two-thirds the cost of the usual places in Japan and Mexico. That’s where I’m going.”

(You’re messing with us. You’re not really buying a baby in Myanmar.)

“No, honestly, I really, seriously am going to the baby market in Myanmar. You all kept talking about it and talking about it and I changed my mind, so I’ll be going there in two weeks and picking up a baby. They promise they have at least a dozen to choose from at any one time. Well fed, clean, and a disease-free guarantee. You walk right up to the display tank, point at the one you want, and they dip it out for you with a big net. I can show you pictures and everything. They’re on a website.”

(There’s no way this is real.)

“Would I spend fifteen hundred dollars on a scam? I totally checked it out. Plus there’s a warranty, up to the first five years. You get your money back on a sliding scale if you decide you picked a bum tot. Say it turns out to be stupid or won’t stop crying or whatever. If it’s in the first year, you get a full refund. In the second year, you get twelve hundred dollars back. Third year, nine hundred. Down by three hundred bucks every year you have the baby until the end of five years. Then if you change your mind you’re out of luck.”

(Just stop.)

“No! It’s a great deal. They make it totally easy. I mean, I thought it was going to be a pain, y’know, trying to get my money back if the kid sucks; I figured I’d have to spend all this money to go back and return it, or to make a padded box with airholes and Doritos to ship the baby to Myanmar. But it turns out they don’t really care if they get the baby back. They just want to know you aren’t using it any more. So you just have to send them back the head.”

(That’s not funny.)

“It’s not supposed to be funny. It’s a totally great deal. I get a healthy white baby from Burmese slavers for fifteen hundred bucks, with a money back guarantee, and all of you losers get off my back about it. What’s not to love?”

The more inappropriate you can be, with the straightest possible face, the better. :slight_smile:

16
  1. Try either “overpopulation!”
    or
  2. Can’t afford it now. If you’d like to contribute…
    or
  3. It might turn out like you!
17

Cervaise wins!

Here is your congratulatory fruit basket and white baby! And these blue eyes are guarunteed to stay!

18

I know everyone else in this thread is hopping on board with you because in this day and age going against the status quo is cool and unique and nonconformist, but I’m going to unfortunately tell you my opinion and won’t beat around the bush. It’s your own choice, but it always baffles me how someone can be so selfish as to care about their life so much that they don’t want their genes to propagate. You’ve got millions of years behind those suckers telling them to multiply while they still can, I just hope that one day when you’re too old you don’t regret it. When youre 80 it won’t be your dogs, or your job, or your material goods that make life worth living, but your spouse, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

I have so many friends in their very late 20s and early 30s now who aren’t even close to being married because they’d rather go to bars, drink, or lease BMWs. They are playing Russian Roulette with their genes if they think they’re going to be popping out kids into their 40s, it only gets harder and harder as each year goes by.

I’m really not telling you this to be mean, and it is only my opinion so please don’t flame me for my beliefs just because it’s the pit. I’m telling you this because I really would hate to see you one day regret this decision you’ve made to care about things that are meaningless just to avoid having kids.

19

You are correct. The older I get, the more it dawns on me how nice a big family would be; people who are there for you.
How wonderful having your own child is. If everyone thought that way, there would be no humans.

20

I’m not planning on babies. My relationship with Mom sucks, her relationship with Grandma sucks, I see no reason to spread the pain.

Middlebro has always been crazy about babies, he finally convinced his wife to have one (yay!). Since she wants a daughter and their firstborn is a boy, we expect that more will be coming our way (given my family’s gender ratio to date, SiL may need to adopt her daughter from China, though).

Lilbro finds babies weird. He’s fine with kids, that is, once they start being individuals and more-or-less trying to have a conversation… but those reddish lumps of meat? Uhm, so, what do you say is supposed to be,* like,* cute, about those?

Myself and Lilbro are happy to have Middlebro. He’s busy transmitting the family’s genes, so we don’t need to :smiley: