We got a call today from my wife’s mother. Very short. “I’m leaving your father. You’ll have to take care of him now.” Apparently, she can’t put up with his shit any more.
Now, my father-in-law is a pretty good guy. He doesn’t beat her, he doesn’t mentally abuse her. He doesn’t come home drunk, doesn’t even drink. Doesn’t smoke, doesn’t swear, doesn’t even watch Fox. His biggest flaw, IMO, is that he comes down too hard on his kids when they displease their mother (although not hard enough for her liking). No, the shit that she can’t put up with any more, is that while he is waiting for a heart transplant, he’s too weak to tie his own shoelaces.
Shortly after the first call, we get a second call announcing that she is not going to let this drive her from her home, so she’s kicking him out.
We get a third call, this time because she’s taken their only car and is refusing to come home until he’s gotten on a bus, and gotten out of there.
This is the first shitty situation like this that I have seen where I am positive that it is completely one-sided. Sure, they argue, but she starts all of the arguments, mostly for the sake of arguing. Goddamnit, I want to smack her.
Good God. Sounds like she’s the one who needs a heart transplant. I feel very sorry for your father-in-law. Is he going to be staying with you, then? How’s he handling this?
He’s pretty upset. I went and picked him up, drove him to my brother-in-law’s place. We live too far from the hospital for him to stay with us. He claims to be fine, and says he just wants her to feel better and less stressed. But the way he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and then telling another story of times she freaked on him tell a different story.
My biggest fear is that this will just blow over, and things will go back to how they were before. something needs to change, and I hope this will serve as a catalyst for that.
I’d hazard a guess that she’s frightened (no, really) and stressed to the point of freaking out. My mother did not handle my dad’s situation very well either. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I do now.
If I’m correct, your wife needs to do what I didn’t (be a best friend to her & help her through it).
I love you, my darling Edlyn, but given my own poor health, your take on this is just a mite scary. I think I’d better take one of my Emotional Rescue® capsules.
Does she have anyone to spell her in his daily care? It sounds like she’s having a minor breakdown and really needs some assistance…both emotional and physical. My guess is that unless she’s been bitching about him for a long time, she’ll reconsider and gather her wits shortly.
When my FIL was ill, my MIL would bitch constantly because he wouldn’t eat. Well, the reason he wouldn’t eat is because he was dying and the appetite thing just sort of shuts down. She didn’t mean any of it…she was frustrated with the fact that she couldn’t help him.
This is where I’d be tempted to say something like “Well, I guess you won’t be coming home, because there’s no way I’m letting him leave.”
On second thought, though, I think Edlyn’s got it. Your MIL has gone round the bend from stress and fear. Time to get her into a psychologist and talk to someone about respite care.
Since he is waiting for a heart transplant, he must already be in the hospital system. Contact the hospital administrator and ask to be referred to a social worker. Every hospital has them and they deal with this sort of problem all the time. That is their job.
It’s a tough situation. She is mad because she doesn’t get much help, but she refuses any help offered. She says she never gets out of the house, but we’ve repeatedly offered to come and stay for anywhere from an hour to a week, so she can get away, but she turns us down. She is furious at the younger son because he had the nerve to go away for a short time while FIL was still waiting for the transplant, and then got mad at FIL because he was still friendly with the son while she was mad at him.
And to clarify, FIL is weak, but not incapacitated. He doesn’t need help getting out of bed, or going to the washroom. He can make his own food, and clear up after himself. He gets weak bending down, or putting his arms up high.
And, yes MIL has gone a bit bonkers. She’s under a huge amount of stress, but largely because of her own way of doing things. And the way she has lashed out to hurt the people around her is not something I can forgive easily.
I can’t say I blame you, I would be really leary that any show of concern to her would give her justification for the whole thing. Only thing I can say is that there may be much more going on in that home than you or anyone else is aware of. I would recommend counseling for both FIL and MIL.
Yeah, I think our goal is to get FIL to talk to the counsellors on the transplant team about it. That way, too, it is on the record, and makes it harder for them to just gloss over it and continue on in misery.
She can’t just throw him out of his own home. He’s ill and if he wanted to take her to court, they would most likely make her leave. I don’t think there’s a law against abandoning a spouse in time of need, but sometimes I think there ought to be. I realize she’s stressed, but someone needs to reel her in and get her to see what she’s doing. It’s a very sad situation any way you look at it. I wish you all the best through this.
