This made me laugh. My birthday is next month. You owe me a keyboard. Keep the receipt.
You want her to get you some nice new underpants to go with those socks, Granny?
I kid, but I’m also kinda serious. Nobody except your grandmother thinks everyday socks are an appropriate Christmas gift (except possibly as stocking stuffers.) They’re boring to get, and they’re boring to give. There’s absolutely zero chance there will be any sort of emotional response to socks, ya know?
Same thing with checking the label in your jeans and getting you some more. (And if you don’t get the same ones, chances are great the ones you get won’t fit as well. So you’ve not only given a totally boring gift with no thought or effort, you’ve still somehow managed to fuck it up.) It’s everything you hate about gift cards, but with more wrapping paper. Is that really going to make either one of you feel better?
I don’t really think it will. You’ll still feel like she’s not really putting any thought or effort into your gift, so you’ll still be disappointed. She’ll know that your exclamations of pleasure are a total put-on because nobody is that happy about jeans and socks for Christmas, so she’ll be disappointed and feel patronized to boot. It’s just trading one way that you both feel kind of bad for another way that you both feel bad, which really doesn’t put you any further ahead.
(I really can’t imagine what on earth was going through her head when she bought you skin care stuff that wasn’t suited to your skin type, or a robe that was three miles too big. That’s way beyond well-meaning-but-clueless and well into have-you-ever-met-me? territory. The t-shirts, though…any chance they would fit her? You know, the old “look, honey, I got you a new bowling ball” deal? Also, is there any chance she’s been reading relationship books? Some of them suggest you buy your partner the sorts of clothes you’d like to see them in to nudge them out of their rut. I think that’s a recipe for disaster, myself, but I can see how some people might think it was a good idea and translate it into such gifts. Pitiably misguided people, but I digress.)
At any rate, while I often agree with you about gift cards, sometimes I think they’re actually very thoughtful gifts for people you’ll be seeing on the actual holiday. I love getting gift cards to Lowe’s or the fabric/craft store, because I love the whole process of shopping in places like that. Especially the fabric store–I could easily kill half a day wandering around fondling the different bolts and idly playing with putting different colors and patterns and textures together and thinking about what I’d like to make. If you can give someone the gift of an experience they’ll love, what’s thoughtless or lazy about that?
Both my husband and I had socks on our Christmas wish list this year. My son was lovin’ his since he needed them and didn’t have the cash. I received a few pair of those big warm fuzzy kind to walk around the house in silly neon colors. They were awesome!
lobotomyboy (and other posters thinking there’s something machiavellian about this behaviour,) it’s more innocent than that.
She’s just got a bit of blindness in certain areas. To her, certain items are simply unisex, and I think for ther the process of semiosis doesn’t go any further than “type of article.” She has a remarkable insensitivity to colour - she’s not colour-blind, but (even when dressing herself) she often makes completely inappropriate colour choices. When I told her that I couldn’t wear the scarf, she seemed surprised, because she thought it was “masculine,” by virtue of being predominately grey. Grey is “masculine,” and the pink and burgundy (not to mention the tassles) didn’t really register for her at all.
Similarly, t-shirts are (to her mind) unisex garments. She has a sort of symbolic illiteracy that prevents her from seeing how her choices are often inappropriate for men - they’re just “nice pictures,” and she doesn’t get that they’re frequently images designed specifically to appeal to women. (eg, iconography of women to project a pop art version of feminist empowerment, like a winking woman in campy western garb, holding crossed “suction cup dart” pistols, with the slogan “CREATIVITY,” rocker girl with the slogan “LOVE MACHINE,” another with “GLAM DIVA,” etc.) The whole connotation of “graphic t-shirt as medium of self-expression” thing, for her, exists somewhere in the infra red spectrum – it just isn’t there.
The last couple paragraphs read a little condescending - it’s not like she’s a special ed case, she is bright and intelligent and IMHO much smarter than me in some of the most important departments. We all have our lacuna, though.
There’s really no malice in her at all – this is frustrating in its own way, because she really does mean to please and is palpably disappointed when she misses the mark. I’m also treading more carefully than usual, because her already-sensitive nature is a little bit amped up, since we’re expecting our first baby in (ohmygodohmygodohmygod) less than three weeks. I went to bed too abruptly one night last week and triggered some heart-rending sobbing. I understand that this is fairly normal, and am trying my best to be extra-sweet to her.
Yeah, but big fuzzy neon socks aren’t exactly everyday socks, if you see what I mean. Slipper socks and novelty socks with reindeer and shit on them are time-honored Christmas presents. I lurve me the silky, fuzzy chenille ones, though for some reason I never think to buy them for myself, so I’m always tickled to get a pair at Christmas.
But white athletic socks, or plain black business-wear socks? You get those from the same people who buy you underpants for Christmas. (And I ain’t talking about the red-and-white thong that says ho ho ho, either.)
You know, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you can’t have it both ways, here. You can’t say, “I don’t want a wishlist because I want the gifts to be thoughtful and from the heart,” and then be upset when the gifts that your wife chose on her own are crappy and not what you wanted. It sounds like she just doesn’t grok your style of gift-giving. This doesn’t make her a bad person, but it does mean that you are going to have to either start giving her more specific instructions for what to get you, or you are going to have to accept that her gifts are going to be subpar for your standards. (Or just stop exchanging gifts entirely, if that works for both of you.)
The nice thing about a wishlist is that you can populate it with a bunch of stuff, some practical and some frivolous, and then the person can pick and choose things from it as they please, and it’s not so much like “Here’s my list of stuff for you to go buy me for Christmas.” Additionally, if you use a third-party site like TheThingsIWant (there are others, also), you can make a generic entry like “Gourmet coffee.” This leaves the gift purchaser a lot more discretion as to what exactly to purchase.
I think you do need to sit her down (maybe right now is not the best time for this, considering the pregnancy and the storm of hormones that will ensue post-birth; but sometime) and explain that you are not going to use a face product that makes you break out, and this does not mean you don’t love her or don’t appreciate the gift. It just means that you’re not going to use a face product that makes you break out.
Yes, but his post would have been significantly less funny if he hadn’t done so.
I hereby encourage dopers to actually reduce their quality of life to humour us.
I didn’t mean to condescend—I assume you’re referring to me—and if it came off like that, I apologize. You mentioned you were about 40, I assume she’s about the same, so senility is off the table.
Still, it reads as wacky to me (and I’ve already given you a whiff of my past issues, so I could be over-reacting) that people who genuinely want to please someone will ignore explicit wishes, e.g. no gift cards.
I am genuinely confused. Your explanation says:
*she’s not good at this
*she’s not malicious
*she red lights your wishes
*she’s hormonal because of the impending birth
Possible scenario: She’s always been like this and you knew so all along. So I guess I don’t get why you’re pitting her. Why not gently (post-partum) say, “Baby, I love the fact that you want to buy clothes for me, but I’m finicky (even though you aren’t)…please let me do that.”?
You’re absolutely right that we all have our blind spots. I could never buy clothes for a woman, for instance (like I’m up on the latest fashions?), so I wouldn’t even try. But c’mon, the bathrobe that doesn’t fit by a longshot? If I did buy something for a woman, like a dress, and it fit like a tent, I would be able to tell.
I say this without snark or sarcasm or anything: something is off. And when she needs constant reassurance that you love it and it fits just fine and it’s perfect, I’m concerned for her. How does or doesn’t this match up with her behavior pre-pregnancy? If this is a departure since the pregnancy, I wouldn’t pit her. I assume she was like this before, which brings me back to “Why the pitting?”
Some people are bad even with a detailed wishlist, and somehow I worry the OP’s wife may fall into the same category. They get into the “close enough” mindset and grab the item which is wildly inappropriate for some reason they haven’t perceived yet. My husband’s sister has screwed up twice going off a wishlist - once getting the wrong size of shoes (not to mention wrong color and style as well, but that’s not as mind-bogglingly inappropriate as getting the wrong size of shoe when it’s all written down for you), and another time getting the pan-and-scan version of a DVD when “widescreen or letterbox” was written down and her teenage son was insisting to her that it was not the right version. She’d blown him off, saying it should be “close enough.” (Meanwhile, he saved the gift receipt for my husband.)
It seems like some people think that “it’s the thought that counts” means that any of their thoughts about what might work as a gift are equally appropriate, and also that if other people’s suggestions are used, that somehow doesn’t count. Giftlists are an intrusion to them.
I generally like gift cards, depending on where they’re from. EB Games? Great! I have an excuse to buy that game I’ve been drooling over. Wal-Mart? Just give me cash instead. It’s about as sensitive and I can choose where to spend it. They’re good if you know their general tastes but not specifics, but on the other hand some places just scream ‘I have no idea what you like’ when seen on a gift card.
On the other hand, if you’re giving a gift-card, there should be some consideration as to what the person is likely to buy there. $10 at a bookstore is fine–I can get a paperback for that price. $10 at EB Games is a horrible gift though, it’s not enough to get anything more than cheap accessories or bad used games.
No, no - I meant the last two paragraphs in my own post seemed condescending towards her. “Bless her heart, she doesn’t know any better.” I was just trying to qualify & clarify that.
I don’t suppose it’s really a pitting of her (despite the title) so much as venting about a frustrating situation. I know she means well, and I need to be careful not to hurt her feelings. If I don’t find a way (for example) to wear the ludicrously oversized robe, it will hurt her feelings. (She’s a little bit babyish that way.)
I needed to vent a bit, because for past two weeks I’ve felt obliged something in the morning that limits my mobility and impairs my ability to do the things that I usually do in the morning: Make coffee, apply cream cheese to a bagel, arse about on the internet, wash a couple dishes, etc. I am cranky in the morning and I’ve found that I’ve been stewing about this in the shower pretty consistently - the struggle with the robe puts me onto the subject and while I’m in the shower my thoughts run more-or-less as outlined in the OP. At the same time I recognize that there isn’t really anything to be gained by bringing it up and trying to “resolve” it – this would hurt her feelings and, ultimately, it’s a pretty trivial thing. I did need to express it, though – just so I could let it go.
The robe is in the laundry now – this morning I wore my old robe and honestly can’t remember what I thought about in the shower, but it didn’t have anything to do with any of the issues in this thread - I think I’m properly exorcised. (Thanks, SDMB!) I won’t put the new robe back on until (as silly as it is,) I’ve had the sleeves shortened by about 10".
Ah, I see. Well it will be interesting to see how parenthood agrees with you two. I’ve never had kids but I understand it will turn your world upside down.
Again, JMO, but when the recurrent nature of this (and how it affects your mood) means it’s something to be addressed. Yeah, wait till after the baby and yeah, don’t think you have to solve the problem all in one day. FWIW we all get on each others’ nerves and sometimes gentle conversation can make a big difference.
One day when I was 18 (?) my sister said, “Do you have to do that?!” Uh, do what? I was sort of Kramering the door—open with one quick motion and burst into the room. She said it always startled the hell out of her. If she’d never told me, I’d never have realized I was even doing it, you know?
It sounds like your Mrs. needs to be reassured that she’s a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny human being whom you love. If you address that at the root, the other symptoms may go away of their own accord.
Good luck!
My mother once got my wife a mop for Christmas.
My mother does this kind of thing too. I think she really does remember incorrectly, but it’s still disappointing.
One year I specifically asked for Bend it Like Beckham on DVD for Christmas. It was a new release at the time and would have been readily available just about anywhere. I didn’t get it. I asked again for my birthday, and then the following Christmas, but no luck.
Instead on each of these occasions I received a totally different DVD. One was a movie I’d mentioned in passing as one I had liked at age 12 but had since realized was not very good. (My mother said “I remembered you said you liked it!”) Another one was a movie I had mentioned in passing as something that looked horrible, which was a shame as I usually liked the star. (My mother said “I remembered you said you liked this guy!”) Another was a season of The Bob Newhart Show on DVD. My mother apparently selected this at random. The Bob Newhart Show was on TV before I was born, and I don’t think I’d ever mentioned it in conversation with her in my entire life.
What made this so disappointing was that on each occasion I saw the gift-wrapped DVD box and felt sure it was what I’d asked for. Then once the wrapping was off I had to pretend not to be let down. If she’d gotten me a sweater or something instead then at least my expectations wouldn’t have been falsely raised.
Oh, after the second Christmas we both went to a sale at Target, and I said I was going to check the DVD section to see if they had Bend it Like Beckham. My mother said, “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted that.” Somehow she (partially) remembers off-hand comments I made about other movies, but totally blanks on my specifically requesting the same movie three different times.
I no longer ask my mother for specific items. I gave up asking for CDs as a teenager after a similar incident (I got an album I’d never mentioned by an artist I had no particular interest in). If I say “I could use a nice new sweater” then she’s capable of picking out something suitable, but if there’s a particular item I want then I know I’m just going to be disappointed.
Seconded!
Worst gift ever?
A guy I was acquainted with decided that the best, most special birthday gift he could get for his wife (who worked full-time and did all the housework to boot) was:
A roast beef for her to cook for the family.
When his proposed gift was met with hoots of derision (from his fellow ironworkers no less than me) he seemed genuinely bewildered: “But I like roast beef! Why wouldn’t she like it?”
“Put another log on the fire”?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/tabs/m/misc_country/put_another_log_on_fire_crd.htm
:smack:
Jeebus. And I thought the thread by the woman who wanted to give her sister (who had never expressed any interest in such a thing) a menstrual cup for Christmas had the worst gift idea ever. I stand corrected.
Argh, my mother does the same thing. I mention something offhand and then, fifteen years later, it shows up in a box with a ribbon on it. A few years ago she gave me a frilly pirate shirt for Christmas “because [she] had remembered I wanted one.” Yes, when I was 12 and going through a pirate phase. Not at age 28. Last year I got a mortar and pestle, because apparently, once, probably when I was going through my Wiccan phase at 13, I had said I wanted a mortar and pestle. Which was SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO, MOTHER DEAREST. And it’s not like I was pining for such a thing all these years, either.
(That’s another mystery. Your kid says she wants something, and you don’t give it to her that year or the next, but 17 years later. What was the thought process behind that? So odd.)
She has some weird mental block when she buys clothes for me, which I have told her dozens, if not hundreds, of times not to do because I never like what she gets. Oddly enough, she has great taste in her own clothes, but she invariably buys me something tacky, lacy, slutty, all three (like that tight shirt with the navel-grazing v-neck covered with a panel of sheer lace, WTF?), or totally the wrong size. She’ll call me up from a department store to tell me what an excellent sale they’re having, I’ll literally plead with her on the phone not to buy me anything, and without fail, the next time I see her she’ll have a bag full of clothes she’s bought for me. I feel like a spoiled brat for getting upset with her over this (she honestly thinks she’s being kind and generous), but it upsets me that she doesn’t listen to me. And, yes, I’ve told her this! Many times! Nothing can stop her!
It’s the cheap prices that are her weakness, I think. If I ask for something specific, she’ll almost always give me something similar that’s much, much cheaper. And I respect her ability to save money and not be spendthrifty, but if I want something specific, that’s what I want, not whatever was on sale. (Usually I buy what I want myself, too – I don’t like or need to get gifts in general.)
Right now, I’m wearing a cheap tin ring she gave me that’s turning my finger green, because she had bought it for me when she went to Argentina. She had asked in advance what kind of souvenir I would like and I had said I’d like a silver ring that’s got an interesting design or maybe has a pretty stone. She got me a tin (or aluminum…whatever it is, it’s not silver) ring with a fake gold-plated metal X in place of a stone. Because it was cheaper. This was in Argentina, when the American dollar was strong – it may have cost less than US$1. It looks like something from a vending machine. I’ve kept it in the box for months and only put it on today because I saw it while house-cleaning and felt a pang of guilt, and now my finger is green and tonight it will go back in the box for good.
I think lobotomyboy nails it:
That’s the card she plays when I complain – look how generous she is with me, and look how ungrateful I am in return. I’ve told her time and time again I don’t want gifts from her, so I don’t know how to stop her from being “generous.” Sometimes, she’ll give me something I like, and in those cases, I am genuinely delighted and grateful. My mother is a generally manipulative person, so I can’t discount the idea that she’s being a jerk on purpose, but in this case I think she’s truly hoping for that delighted response whenever she buys me crap. Like, “Oh my goodness, a mortar and pestle! I’ve wanted this for years! Bless your heart for remembering!”
Now I’m afraid you’re all going to say, “Shit, do you know what I’d do for a mortar and pestle? You’re an ungrateful ass.”
(It was a very small one of very poor quality, btw. The box still had a clearance sticker on it.)