The VA decided my case yesterday, after telling me that sometimes the ‘expedite’ slips fall off of case folders. My back injury has magically healed itself, despite no drugs or therapy, and my shoulder injury has gotten worse. Yet somehow, they find my psychological symptoms ‘moderate’ and say that I wasn’t actually in the hospital, really. I was there a month. They also say I’m employable, despite not leaving the house for weeks on end, and not managing to make my doctor’s appointments—especially now that some of the drugs aren’t working and I’ve stopped sleeping. It’s three o’clock here now. I won’t sleep till it’s light out, if at all. There are people setting off quite large firecrackers. Why bother trying to sleep when those bangs wake me up every time?
So I have another appeal on my hands, one that will probably take another 124 days, same as the last one. I’ve been fighting the VA for almost two years. They have this skeptical attitude toward soldiers that really hurts. What next? Are they just going to declare that if you can’t ‘prove’ what happened, tough luck for you?
I think it is worth pointing out that the VA used to be a lot worse, and fixing it was a major effort that was very much a bipartisan triumph - a Democratic administration and a Republican congress got that job done.
margin, you seem to have mentioned what I think is called “getting your bell rung” - you may have a mild-to-moderate traumatic brain injury from your proximity to the percussion wave from the mortar that detonated near you. TBI in the mild range can present an array of memory and mood stability issues by itself, and in the presence of PTSD, some rather bad clinical synergy can result. You might have your people press that angle.
Yeah, I had a mortar land in front of me during the battle but I’m not sure how close it was. I saw white flares in front of my eyes and couldn’t hear for a few minutes afterward, but my memory of it is fuzzy.
I think you need to move past the VA and the way they are jerking you around and not helping you and focus on getting the help you need so you can recover from this and go on to having a life again. Keep on with appeals and keep trying to get some justice, but you need to deal with what is, not what should be.
On July 16th, I started writing suicide notes, because it seemed perfectly reasonable that people would be happy if I was gone. I cut myself. The next day I drank myself into oblivion after taking a handful of my pills. After I was done throwing up, I called the VA, frightened by what I’d done. They called 911. The VA refused to accept me at their emergency room, so I went to a civilian emergency room. There I discovered something amazing:
Doctors can be nice to you.
They weren’t skeptical, or bitter, or sarcastic. They didn’t tell me to drop my case against the VA, and they didn’t tell me I needed to try harder. They did tell me that the medication I was on can cause suicidal ideation. (I’ve never been depressed in my life before Iraq.) This was of course after I’d been suicidal earlier. Months earlier. A civilian agency stepped in and changed my meds and gave me some help.
Two weeks ago I had some kind of seizure and bit all the way through my mouth. I had to have stitches. They told me to come back in a week and get them taken out, but after having been trained as a combat life saver in Iraq, I didn’t feel that was necessary. I took them out myself with a tweezers and a mirror. I have an inch-long scar inside my mouth and a tiny scar on my chin. I had to clean up the pool of blood on my kitchen and living room floors. As a bonus, I got to intimidate two doctors in the emergency room. One of them was flat out rude to me and I told him he was a jerk. The other one waved two giant needles at me before putting the stitches in and I looked him in the eye and asked him what he was waiting for. That’s ‘bravado’ according to my ex therapist, which is something I wonder if she ever questions the male soldiers about.
I have a lawyer now. The VA rejected my latest suit against the VA, based on the word of this therapist. I have a civilian therapist now, even though I can’t afford to go to him more than once a month or so. He makes me feel much better.
The VA rejected my suit because “this soldier WILL be taking part in therapy this summer and will undoubtedly get better.” This was based on the word of a therapist who I’d fired shortly before the evaluation, who’d told me I had to choose between my case against the VA or my treatment.
They gave me sleeping pills, too. They locked me into my nightmares and so terrified me that I had to stop taking them after a week. The VA greeted this development with silence. There were physical symptoms as well.
I talked to an Army buddy of mine recently. He, too, had been in combat. The VA asked him if he’d had a traumatic childhood. He was given drugs that caused suicidal ideation—and was ignored when he complained of his increasing depression. He, too, was forced into shoddy therapy. He’s still alive. So am I. All I can tell you is that it seems to be that the VA is not helping, but hurting.
My lawyer has found blatant irregularities in the record, including tests adminstered on malfunctioning computers and doctors being incredibly unprofessional. All I can say is, I’m alive. Earlier this year, I didn’t think I’d live to see this day.
margin I don’t even know what to say. I don’t think there is anything I can say that is going to make you feel better or make myself feel better for saying it.
I have no member of my family or any friends that are currently fighting in this war. Until today I can honestly say I have become numb from the news reports that update me.
I am now sitting here in tears. I woke up from my own nightmares, grabbed a cup of coffee and thought I would read some dope to make myself feel better and this was the first post I read.
My problems seem so trival now. The things I take for granted everyday I am now reminded of. I hope you can continue to get real help. I hope your new doctors and your lawyer will fight for you as much as you fought in Iraq. You deserve so much more help then what you have been given.
And you as well. There’s a phrase I learned in Iraq…“Insh’allah.” If God wills it.
Don’t compare your troubles with mine. We’re each different people. Do not use my experiences to discount yours. You did not join the Army. I did.
I joined the Army knowing what I was getting into. But the thing is, I believed what they promised me as well. I’d be a good soldier again if they could just fix me. I miss Iraq. I miss the heat, the color of the desert, the convoys down endless highways, the danger, the faces, the sight of Babylon and Baghdad. All they have to do is fix the damage. I’ll go back in a heartbeat. What I remember most of all is waving, waving, waving at civilians, learning words of Arabic, eating kebabs on the street, and learning to love that country. It’s a beautiful country—or was. The people are lovely. Don’t worry about me. Worry about younger, more vulnerable veterans. The friend I spoke of was fifteen years younger and not nearly as bitchy. Where I live, we’re now up to seven veterans who’ve either killed themselves after being denied medical health care, or have tried to commit suicide by cop. No one knows how many female veterans have been in combat or have tried or succeeded to kill themselves.
Again, don’t discount what you have been through. It’s not a competition. I’m just venting.
I’m not, just bringing them into better perspective.
You have every right to vent. You have been ignored and dismissed by your country. That is not what you signed up for. That is not what they promised.
I am sort of surprised, that is not really the word, interested might be better in how you speak of Iraq. I, of course, have never been there nor do I know anything about the culture.
I wonder if it was the other way around if they would think the same of us.
I have heard people speak of a kinder, gentler nation but I don’t see it here.
I am so sorry margin - I went through treatment for PTSD a number of years ago - all I can say is that when treatment starts it can be very successful, please hold on to that hope and don’t let go.
If you would like to speak more or are feeling lonely, please feel free to email me.
I just noticed this, six months later to the day. A much beated and heartfelt thank you, Mr M. We have had our disagreements, but you’re at heart a very decent man.
Margin, your posts are both beautiful and infuriating. ‘Support our troops’ shouldn’t be a mere slogan, and support shouldn’t end on the soldiers’ plane ride home. I hope you get the help you need.
Wasn’t Romeo Dallaire the general who tried to do the right thing in Rwanda and got thwarted at every turn? He and Hugo Thompson are my heroes.
Catfight, you mentioned ‘on the flight home.’ As it happens we landed in Baltimore after we got home from Iraq. We deplaned and wandered the halls in a daze, stunned by the lack of gunfire and mortars. In Iraq, those are daily constants. When it came time to reboard the plane, the TSA made us remove our boots, our belts, our sidearm holsters, and our blouses, on the theory that we might be hiding something that could be deadly while returning to our plane where our weapons were. They pulled aside our sole black interrogator and…tried to interrogate him. I mean, really, who is more likely to go over to Al Qaeda than a bunch of soldiers who’ve been fighting the war on terror who’ve been set loose in a closed airport that must be crawling with AQ agents? I can only put it down to terrible inadequacy. That sticks with me.
I frankly don’t think video games would be much good in helping me. Myself? I want to go back. Weird but true. I feel lost as a civilian. I have no cause now and no purpose. If I go back I could help to write the wrongs, do some good, and put aside my petty and personal concerns. It’s a relief, those things.
margin, my heart breaks for you. I wish you godspeed in your recovery, and triumph in your case against the VA. In that regard, have you contacted your Congressional Representative about what you’re going through? You might be amazed at what they can get done with a single phone call on their part. They are interested, I assure you. I’ve had mine help with much smaller problems than this. It’s really what we “hired” them to do!
As for wanting to go back and help, obviously I wouldn’t recommend that until you’re well (or at least better), but perhaps you could look into signing on with a private contractor that’s helping with the rebuilding efforts. Maybe talk to madmonk28, who spent 2 years working as a contractor over there, for some guidance. Here are a couple of threads he wrote about his experience there.
I’m a VA employee except I work for the VA Research and Development department. I don’t have human patient contact as part of my job, but I do work here and hear a ton and see a ton and wade through veterans every day. I feel like i have thousands of things to say about this thread as someone who works for the evil empire, but I would have to collect my thoughts and decide what I would be comfortable writing on the internet about my employer. I could possibly answer some questions though.
margin, my heart goes out to you. Having lived through similar situations, though without trying to get help from the VA, I can tell you that it does get better with time. Memories fade and you eventually stop checking the treeline for snipers.
That said, get help, whether from the VA or civilian therapists. I waited too long and paid dearly for it. My relationship with my family is gone. My liver is probably close to shot. I’ve beat myself up over every little mistake for so long, it’s become a way of life (though I’m getting better about it).
Do not go back to the army. Remember, you will have to do as they tell you if you go back in. You will not have the opportunity to “write the wrongs”. Seeing more combat will likely make your symptoms worse. I know how you feel, I wanted to go back too. I still feel like an outsider because of my service, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
It takes a long time to become human again. Find a way to be useful as a civilian. I have, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
That reminds me of a mate who deplaned at Sarajevo as part of the UN peacekeeping force. He and his squad were fully toolled up and the bureaucrat wanted them all to go through the metal detector!
Yeah, my commander looked at these wankstains and said, “Um, you want to interrogate a native speaker of Arabic who interrogated Saddam Hussein? Can I watch?”
Because, really, who’s more likely to switch over to AQ than a bunch of American soldiers who have just been released from a plane to stretch their legs on American soil? I’m sure there was an AQ contact in there somewhere!