[QUOTE=featherlou]
I think you need to move past the VA and the way they are jerking you around and not helping you and focus on getting the help you need so you can recover from this and go on to having a life again. Keep on with appeals and keep trying to get some justice, but you need to deal with what is, not what should be.
[/QUOTE]
On July 16th, I started writing suicide notes, because it seemed perfectly reasonable that people would be happy if I was gone. I cut myself. The next day I drank myself into oblivion after taking a handful of my pills. After I was done throwing up, I called the VA, frightened by what I’d done. They called 911. The VA refused to accept me at their emergency room, so I went to a civilian emergency room. There I discovered something amazing:
Doctors can be nice to you.
They weren’t skeptical, or bitter, or sarcastic. They didn’t tell me to drop my case against the VA, and they didn’t tell me I needed to try harder. They did tell me that the medication I was on can cause suicidal ideation. (I’ve never been depressed in my life before Iraq.) This was of course after I’d been suicidal earlier. Months earlier. A civilian agency stepped in and changed my meds and gave me some help.
Two weeks ago I had some kind of seizure and bit all the way through my mouth. I had to have stitches. They told me to come back in a week and get them taken out, but after having been trained as a combat life saver in Iraq, I didn’t feel that was necessary. I took them out myself with a tweezers and a mirror. I have an inch-long scar inside my mouth and a tiny scar on my chin. I had to clean up the pool of blood on my kitchen and living room floors. As a bonus, I got to intimidate two doctors in the emergency room. One of them was flat out rude to me and I told him he was a jerk. The other one waved two giant needles at me before putting the stitches in and I looked him in the eye and asked him what he was waiting for. That’s ‘bravado’ according to my ex therapist, which is something I wonder if she ever questions the male soldiers about.
I have a lawyer now. The VA rejected my latest suit against the VA, based on the word of this therapist. I have a civilian therapist now, even though I can’t afford to go to him more than once a month or so. He makes me feel much better.
The VA rejected my suit because “this soldier WILL be taking part in therapy this summer and will undoubtedly get better.” This was based on the word of a therapist who I’d fired shortly before the evaluation, who’d told me I had to choose between my case against the VA or my treatment.
They gave me sleeping pills, too. They locked me into my nightmares and so terrified me that I had to stop taking them after a week. The VA greeted this development with silence. There were physical symptoms as well.
I talked to an Army buddy of mine recently. He, too, had been in combat. The VA asked him if he’d had a traumatic childhood. He was given drugs that caused suicidal ideation—and was ignored when he complained of his increasing depression. He, too, was forced into shoddy therapy. He’s still alive. So am I. All I can tell you is that it seems to be that the VA is not helping, but hurting.
My lawyer has found blatant irregularities in the record, including tests adminstered on malfunctioning computers and doctors being incredibly unprofessional. All I can say is, I’m alive. Earlier this year, I didn’t think I’d live to see this day.