I won my case against the VA. It took three years, eight appeals, five hospitalizations—one due to incorrect medication----a US representative, a US Congressperson, a Governor, internet friends, and a video, but I did it. The bad thing is that I’m still not well. I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d be all better all at once. I thought that the paperwork would have a magical effect. I actually crashed so bad that I wound up back in the hospital.
The therapy still sucks, and that’s saying quite a lot. When I finally worked up the courage to tell the VA about an ‘incident’ in Iraq where a senior NCO tried to, er, get better acquainted with me the VA put me in a therapy group full of men. Very sexist men. Many of whom had committed sexual assault, by their own admission. Others wanted to talk about their hatred of women, minorities, and other cultures. Which was interesting, because the therapist allowed it.
They put me in a new therapy group two weeks ago. Women. Except it was for personality disorders. No groups for combat veterans who’re women, I guess. Why not? This war has been going on for four years. Women veterans are invisible.
They didn’t have anything else to offer me. At least now I don’t have to brave the haphazard transportation system. I sat there and listened to a woman describe how she was trying to work up the courage to ask her boss to call her by her first name. Then they asked me why I was there. I told them bluntly, and the other patients went to the therapist and complained about what I’d said. So how is that therapy again? That was it for me. If I can’t talk about what I did and saw, what am I doing there again?
I think I’m just going to design a therapy group myself, for male and female combat veterans. A lot of vets deal with guilt, feeling responsible, feeling like they did something wrong. Veterans are committed, motivated and idealistic. Even if they can’t work, they can help others, and often want to. You have no idea how awful it is to be able to function under the most horrible of conditions one day and then be helpless in peace time the next. It guts you. You’re in need of help yourself, and you’re used to being the one that does the helping. I think connecting veterans to the community is a good idea. I think veterans need that connection, that feeling of once again being a doer and a helper.
I found myself looking at the glass memento case at the Womens’ Center in the VA. It featured teddy bears and barbies in dress blues. There were photographs from previous wars. There were toys and stuffed animals for kids in the waiting room—but not in the mens’ waiting room. Not a single piece of desert camo anywhere, much less any acknowledgment that women are in combat. Women in war for the VA ends at nursing, WACs, and WAVs.
Still, I won. I’ve heard people say the process is so debilitating that they wouldn’t do it while ill. Well, if I’d done that, I’d have been homeless and/or dead by my own hand by now.
If there’s any veterans out there, you can do it. Don’t give up.
I applaud you for your courage under fire, both from where it sounds like in the Sandbox, but especially here at home. It takes guts and serious gumption to pull off the near-Holy-God-miracle you seemed to have.
You’re right: the VA is a bureaucracy that I’m sure certain members of the public would like to be shelved or kept quiet about. It’s underfunded, understaffed, and mis-understood. I’ve seen firsthand just how quickly they’ll move to take care of “Their War Heroes” (i.e. a close friend of mine got hit, bad–EFP to his Humvee, which damn near killed him. If the medic didn’t reach into his leg to pinch the artery, “Joe” would have bled to death. It shattered his leg and took off one of his left fingers. Over a year later, he still isn’t walking perfectly, but he’s at least still on active duty. Walter Reed does do miracles for the “obviously wounded”). But, I’ve also heard and seen those who aren’t obviously wounded who get lost in the shuffle or mismanaged. It is a travesty we ask our gals and guys to go forth and expose themselves to the unimaginable, but then just kind of hush them up and shuffle them aside when they return.
But for you to stand up and not accept the unacceptable is awesome. I’m glad you invoked your Congresspeople and Governors. That’s what they’re there for.
From one vet to another, I thank you, and I congratulate you for fighting the homefront. PM me if you want to vent some more.
I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did, and I wish there were a way to just wave a magic wand and make it all better. But what you do for yourself is a thousand times more powerful than what others do for you, and you are blazing a trail for others in similar circumstances.
If you have the physical, mental, and emotional resources to start an outreach program for veterans, go for it. Have you considered creating a website and publishing your story?
Thank you for continuing to serve your country and your fellow vets (lest I confuse, I am not and cannot be one) by not accepting bad situations where you frankly shouldn’t have to.
Is the VA willing to pay for private therapy sessions?
Have you tried to find other veterans who are survivors of rape? From what I have read, there are more than a few. (Other things I have read suggest that the military is trying to conceal this.)
The VA just wants soldiers to come back dead. The paperwork’s simpler. Everybody wins, then. People get to feel good about themselves as they salute a flagged coffin, and then they slap a yellow ribbon on their SUV and forget about it. It’s all Saddam’s fault. I could sit down and have tea with an insurgent; there’s still the culture of manners in the Middle East, in a lot of ways. But I felt like I didn’t exist when I got home. Women aren’t in combat! I had conservatives who’ve never broken a sweat at any place but a health club jeer at me when I demanded to know by what criteria they found me wanting—you know, how dare I criticize the war I’d fought in! They’d approved of it, that was the important thing. That happened over and over. I had people go, “But you’re not as much fun as you used to be!” You try so hard to hold onto your humanity and that of others in war that it’s a shock to come home and find your allies, your countrymen, toss it aside gladly and casually. Iraqis had died to try and help us. Seems like when we came home, very few people gave a shit, but especially if you had the sort of injury that isn’t visible. I’ve never felt terror like I did when I started having panic attacks and I looked around and couldn’t find a single face that returned my look.
There's six or seven suicides since I got home; doubtless others that haven't been reported, or the small town family conceals it. Twice, I almost became one of them---once because the VA ignored repeatedly my complaints about what their meds were doing to me.
There’s no way to put into words what I feel about the Army without sounding like, you know, a brainwashed recruitment poster, but damn I do love the Army. I loved the idea that I had strength, that I was human before I was female, that I could make people respect me, all it took was hard work. All lies, when you deal with the VA. Don’t get me wrong, individual people are nice, in the VA, but when you have to call the director because the staffers just won’t listen to you something is horribly wrong. And let’s face it----I’m a bitter old hag, according to some, old enough to know better and too pissed to care----and I can fight. You know what? A lot of these kids respect authority, even when it tells them to wait six months till there’s a bed in psych.
The whole process of the VA is all about losing your self respect till you accept the shreds they dole out. And often they’re stupid enough to put it in writing and then you get to read it. If that doesn’t kill you, little will. VA doctors are some of the most unscrupulous and unethical I’ve ever come across. You know what the good thing about almost killing myself was? I went to a public emergency room. They were nice there. <i>Nice.</i> I’d forgotten doctors were like that. At the VA, you routinely get berated by doctors, therapists, or other patients.
Erm, yeah, I didn’t mean to let off steam. Still angry. The older folks like me’ll do fine, I think. But the kids, the twenty somethings. They think these people want to help them.
Yeah, I’m not angry at all. But thanks, Tripler. I know what you mean. I appreciate it.
I wasn’t, you know, <i>raped.</i> I got away, and then he retaliated and did everytihng he could to make sure I got injured for the next couple of months. Everybody loved this guy—except women. So I feel like I don’t have any right to complain, and I sure as hell won’t file a complaint with the military. They’ll go after you and if there’s no witnesses and shit you’re so fucked it…Well, would you like another dose?
I can handle in a way the idea of rapists in the military if it weren’t for all the guys who stand by and go, “Oh, it’s okay that he uses words like pussy and cunt and bitch and whore and…” Well, you know that? The guy who did that attacked me, big shock. You think it might have had something to do with his attitude toward women? These are nice guys turning away. That hurts. And you know what else? When a rapist <i>did</i> prowl through the camp one night, and another of our troops was attacked, he blamed <i>her</i> instead of the guy who went through camp, looking for a woman to attack. Quote: <i>“That bitch should have locked her door.</i>” And no matter what she’d done, he’d find some way it was her fault. In real life, he was a cop.
It’s not war that hurts so bad; it’s betrayal. When your enemies and your allies act the same, where do you go? It’s up to us troops, that’s what you do.
I am routinely reminded that there are people I know and love, that just don’t get it; that “the war” [sub] in little quotes[/sub] is something happening “over there” “on the TV”, as if it’s some magical reality show going on for it’s fifth season. These are people that live in their magical little bubble that for whatever reason–our capitalistic, boob-tube, couch potato culture or just sheer head-in-the-sand ignorance–don’t understand that there is an entire other world out there. A world where people get hurt and die. But so long as their latte is hot in the morning and Everybody Loves Raymond is on at 8:PM, their little world is okay.
But it’s the exposure to ‘outside the bubble’ that you and I share, and other Dopers on this board too, that we fit into a group of people that have to deal with the mess that others either A) want to but cannot, or B) just don’t want to. I thank the former, and despise the latter. Apathy kills, and in my view, there is nothing worse in this world than an overdriven, apathetic blowhard who wants all of the fruits of this world, but are too damn lazy or proud to pick up the shovel to plant a friggin’ tree.
It’s those people that routinely end up in positions of power (like the VA) where they can do the worst damage. The first thing we can do is break them, and make them work to support those that deserve help, and make them earn their pay.
Folks like you, I, and quite a few other Dopers are able and willing to shoulder some of the dirty work in this world. And there are those that support us. It’s through that work that we, and those that support us, are better people. Remember that. Remember that it’s an “us” versus “them” mentality–there are people that are willing to work, and those that aren’t. At least that’s how I picture the world. By your own admission, you’ve done your good work. Now it’s time to heal up, and reap what you’ve earned. Sock it to 'em, ma’am!
I love the Air Force. I love the work it’s offered me, I love the skills it’s taught (and is teaching me–I’m at EOD school now), and I love the variety of people I’ve gotten to meet. I also love the friends I’ve lost. A few weeks ago, one of my college friends died in the B-52 that went down at Guam–I’ve also lost others over the years. I miss them, but we’re all brothers and sisters. That being said, don’t ever feel ashamed about how proud you feel about the Army. Even those that have only served for one tour did their job (which they didn’t have to do, since we’re an all-volunteer military). You’ve done good work over there. And now, reading your OP, you’ve done good work over here too.
Let it out, sister. This is one of the few places on the Internet that intelligent people can understand and sympathize. Suicide is not an alternative. I want you here on these boards. I don’t know you at all, but I can tell you that the more intelligent, good voices in the choir, the sweeter the music.
I am sorry to hear the VA sucked–but I have come to expect it. You’re more than welcome here, though.
Tripler
C’mon back. The SDMB is open 24/7 last I checked. And you only have to post what you want to say. . . no more, no less.
Just wondering, are these people in the VA still in uniform or is it in a military city?
I just got back from the VA in Long Beach. It is all civilians and they always treat me well, with concern, and as soon as possible. There are some delays getting appointments but when you get in, they are very nice.
Today, they gave me a form to fill out about my military experience and my general health. One of the question was something about if I was ever sexually touched or harassed while in the military. They also had some questions about PTSD and any shock or trauma I may have.
The nurse went over the form line by line checking it. I did not check yes so I am not sure what happens next but it was thoroughly checked.
Also the LB VA hospital has an area for female vet issues. I walked by it and noticed the posters showing women in uniform etc. They had one of those cut-outs that you see in the movie theaters with a women in her Air Force uniform.
I hope you find what you need from the system! Good luck
My brother is one of hte ones that don’t get it. He called me a traitor and loftily informed me that he knew more about Iraq than I did, what with him having two twenty-five year old college degrees and me being a liberal with ‘just one tour’ in Iraq. Oh, yeah, and we should 'kill ‘em all’. Because we’re not there to liberate them. They’re all terrorists anyway. Yeah, terrorists. If there’s one thing I’m glad of, it’s that serving in Iraq permanently opened my eyes about Islam and Muslims and Arabs. Shame it took a war to do it. I’m embarrassed about that. It’s kind of…humbling…to realize that I had to go through this PTSD to understand what it’s like. I can’t close my eyes any longer.
Don’t apologize for rambling. My dad and his father before him were soldiers, and Maman’s family goes back to Napoleon and beyond. You know what? It was the Army that taught me my mother’s language and that of the land her great-great-great-great-great grandfather invaded, and I got to stand in his footsteps and use words to communicate. I been in a * long long time.* Hell, I been here at the Straight Dope a long time, too. I’m the feminazi you’ll find pointing out that *reported * rapes don’t mean shit, because the FBI itself estimates that no more than one in five or ten is reported.
When we first came under fire, one of the first things I thought was…“Now I can look my father and my uncle in the face.” Dad was WWII, long gone now, and my Uncle Eddie was a big tough guy who shoveled snow…from his wheelchair. My uncle was so proud when I joined the Army. Dad turned red and watery-eyed and quoted Churchill and Shakespeare at me.
PKD88 VAs in different parts of the country are…different. Mine has teddy bears and Barbie dolls representing women in uniform, and no programs for female vets who’ve been in combat. All their resources are directed, it seems, for men. After all, women aren’t in combat.
Dealing with the VA is a soul-sucking experience intended to kill you off before any benefits are disbursed. It not just the military. This entire country runs this way. You are to part with your money in the form of withholding taxes before you even have any access to it, yet when it comes time for the government to do its part you experience nothing short of assassination inspiring behavior. My support, at this point in the game, leans to those who “go postal”.
margin, I’m very glad to hear that you’ve won your appeals to get the service you should have been getting all along. I agree it’s been a betrayal to you, and any other service member who has had to put up with that crap.
The thing that bothers me most is that your experience with the VA and mine are so different. My problems are mostly pre-existing, things that were going wrong long before I ever got into the military. I never suffered any of the privations you did during my active duty time, and while I have a legal right to the VA services that I receive now, I can’t say that I believe that the VA owed them to me because I got messed up during my service. Alone of all the public assistance programs I’ve dealt with, the VA was always there for me, offering more help than I was often willing to take, and even getting me a disability pension. Mental health issues seem so often swept under the rug when I tried to deal with the State. The VA kept trying to hook me up with more programs to help me.
I am particularly disgusted that my experience has been so different from yours. You, and the people you are talking about, should be getting at least the same sort of aggressive care I got. I believe that you and others in your situation deserve it more and that the VA has an absolute moral obligation to provide it, in a timely manner.
It shouldn’t take Congressional action to get the VA to do its job.
I suspect the biggest single factor that has made things different for me is that the VA clinic I’ve dealt with has been the Canadaigua, NY facility (Or a daughter facility that’s run through the Canadaigua administration.) - which has been under the threat of being closed for the past decade, it seems like. So the bureaucracy there has a real incentive to try to make sure that they’re serving plenty of veterans in the area.
I can’t tell you how good it is to hear that things are going better for you. I don’t think I posted in your original thread about your panic attacks and the problems you were having treating them, but the rage and the strength in there moved me greatly, and I’ve thought of you often since.
You should think about getting that rant out where more people can see it - send it as a letter to the editor, or photocopy it and paste it to the VA walls. It’s a remarkably revealing image of how someone who is tough and competent can get backed into a soul-destroying nightmare.
As a former service member and also an officer, I must say two things:
1/ I salute you for standing up for your rights. It takes a lot of heart to be able to face that sort of pressure and I am sure “bullying” to get you to stand down. Endurance in the face of confrontation is a great form of bravery, especially when you are defending your own rights. Congratulations for your victory.
2/ As an officer, I am ashamed of the current state of the VA. Our service members (and I am including USMC, US Army, AF, and Navy and all the Guards and Reservists doing the job) deserve a lot better treatment that is being offered. The paperwork grindmill is bullshit, and I wish it were better. Soldiers should not have to endure the bureaucracy to receive benefits they earned while serving. It is truly a disservice to our fighting force.
I, as well, had to suffer what I refer to as “The Good Ol’ Boy System”, but unfortunately, I lost my battle. But I did good to my soldiers, and that is what is most important to me.
Congratulations. If they don’t have the services you need, find a good group or therapist outside, then lean on the VA for fee basis payment. I’ve worked with several vets who have had to go outside the VA for therapy appropriate to their needs.
