Yeah, that’s it. Bring some cobras. And then you bring some badgers to get rid of the cobras And then…
Scylla has not met our skunks yet. He does not know what trouble is…
My husband has the receipe for exploding paper, but I guess that would be too impractical.
Never read Watership Down I see 
::snorts with laughter::
The really bad thing is I actually didn’t see that one coming, even though I’ve reread the thread twice, before you posted.
::Cuts up his Doper Inside Joke membership card and throws it in the trash::
Also, this:
Win.
ETA: Anyone having any luck digging up the original Evil Nazi Groundhogs topic?
“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Wile E. Coyote, genius. I am not selling anything, nor am I working my way through college. So lets get down to cases. You are a Woodchuck and I am going to kill you. Now, don’t try to get away. I am more muscular, more cunning, faster and larger than you are. And…I’m a genius, while you could hardly pass the entrance examination to Kindergarten.
So, I’ll give you the customary two minutes to say your prayers…”
Dinsdale…?
I’m so sorry to hear that tensions between the rodent nations and the House of Scylla have flared up again.
The good news is that since your last battle with the hairy/hoary forces of doom, Dopers have re-discovered a weapon so powerful, it should certainly find a place in your arsenal of weapons of marmot destruction.
This weapon had been lost to the history books, oh, about 88 years ago - as I’ve been told, sometime between the 1910s and the 1930s. It’s a weapon so nice, they named it thrice.
For the record: I for one welcome our new woodchuck overlords. Hail, Punxsutawney Phil!
Zactly.
I HAD him!
Coming home, I got changed and spied a groundhog patrolling near the driveway. I snuck downstairs and loaded up my .22. This was the one that ripped up my wiring harness. Don’t ask me how I knew. I knew.
You should have seen me. Stealthily, I opened the back door and chambered a round. I dogtrotted silently the long way around the house, coming in with the wind in my face, the sun at my back and a tree between us. All I had to do was crest the hill, step out from behind the tree and take him!
I had him. Oh you should have seen me, oh so sly and slick, I made less noise than a silent movie placing each side of the ball of the foot and rolling forward, I oozed menace. Death was a thunderbolt nestled into my shoulder, my cold chilly chilly eyes squinting along the iron sights and down the barrel as I stepped sideways flicking the safety off.
And I had him. He was fifty yards away, eating obliviously.
I breathed deep, exhaling fully, left leg extended, left arm a perfect cradle for my weapon. I opened my mouth, and stuck my toungue firmly into the roof of my mouth and made a loud “click click” sound the bastard couldn’t fail to hear.
On cue he stopped eating looked up and stood on his hind legs. I had the rifle aimed over the center of his back and as he stood up into my sights we stared at each other and my aim was placed perfectly in the center of his chest, right between his little rodent arms.
squueeeeeze the trigger.
CRACK!! goes the the rifle.
PFFUUUIIIII goes the bullet.
POOOF! goes a little cloud of dust an inch to the left of where that hairy little left wing scumbag wirechewer was standing.
I missed! My sights must be off.
For a moment he’s dumbfounded, failing to connect the poof of dust and the crack of the rifle with my silhouette.
Hastily, I chamber another round, as he puts it together. As I aim, he takes off running away from me at an angle. I’m compensating to the right faster than Bill O’reilly and for a split second before he disapears into the corn I have him again.
And he’s gone.
Nothing in either trap.
Crap! I suck! My marksmanship is for shit.
Well, there’s nothing like a thread celebrating cruelty to animals to separate the people I want nothing to do with from the people I might.
I’d just like to add:
Is probably the most macho assemblage of words evar.
And now he knows you’re after him.
I’d check the wiring every time I get in the car.
“Why do they always want to do it the Hard way…!?”
I wonder if you will still feel the same when you wake up in the middle of the night to find that a groundhog has snuck into your bed and gnawed your leg off while you slept.
I stand on a wall. I defend my family, my country and humanity from these groundhogs. I am not interested in your criticisms on how I do this job, Lt. Caffey. I would just prefer you said “Thank you.” and went on your way.
Jesus fucking christ, they’re rodents. Go flex your muscles in the mirror, tough guy.
cricetus, this is the Pit so I suppose a certain amount of thread-shitting is to be expected. But if you don’t recognize humor when you see it, I pity you.
And what you said, “Well, there’s nothing like a thread celebrating cruelty to animals to separate the people I want nothing to do with from the people I might.” works both ways. Now we know to avoid YOU.
I would suggest that the rest of us ignore this poster, from here on out, and get on with the business of a fun thread.
So’s a wolverine.
Groundhog’s can get up to thirty pounds. They are nature’s perfect rending machines. They have claws like rakes attached to powerful legs, and they can tunnel through ground you can barely break apart with a pick. They can climb trees and drop on you when you’re not looking. A big one can outrun and outfight a good sized dog. They can undermine a field to such a degree a tractor will fall in. Horses break their legs in their holes.
They have claws that catch and teeth that bite “snickerty snack” my beamish boy. They can drink you under the table, and they’ll fuck your wife while you’re at work. They’ll bite you through steel-toed boots while you stand there in uffish thought.
Beware the Jabberwock, my son, and shun the frumious bandersnatch, and fear the whistlepig.
They don’t call them “Ground Grizzlies” for nothing.
Good victims don’t come around all that often, you know?
A wolverine is not a rodent. If you can’t tell the difference between a rodent and mustelid, I hope you can tell the difference between a rodent and the neighbor’s dog.
Both grammatically and factually incorrect.