I received a letter from Jesus!

[Sophistry_and_Illusion]

One of the perks of being a philosophy professor is that you receive, unsolicited, correspondence from some of the world’s best and brightest individuals. Why, just yesterday, I received a personal letter from Jesus Christ. The letter begins

@Jesus

I am Jesus sending you personally and free of charge or any restrictions whatsoever on its use, a handwritten document composed of four (4) dated letters which I thought to be wise [sic*] not to widely distribute.

Since there are no restrictions on its use, I thought I would use it to lord my superiority over all of you inferior, non-correspondence-from-Jesus-receiving Dopers.

Now I know what you are saying. You’re saying, “Hey, you’re not the only one in touch with Christ–sometimes I feel Jesus’ presence, and sometimes He sends me signs.” Sure—but does he send you personal correspondence? Ha! I didn’t think so.

You are no doubt wondering what great wisdom is contained in these letters. Well, you are probably not worthy, which is why He wrote to me and not you. But perhaps I can share with you a nugget of Christ’s wisdom:

@Jesus

When you find yourself being caught between what we usually describe as a figure of speech as a ROCK AND A HARD PLACE (it falls in these categories), I guess in the end, you choose a less taxing solution.

Ah, ranks right up there with the Beatitudes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some gloating to do.

• Give the guy a break; His native language is Aramaic, not English.

[Sage_Rat]

Sounds like a reasonable enough answer to me. If life is going to suck either way, might as well go for the option that requires the least effort.

What else did Jesus recommend?

[Mangetout]

Just out of interest, what area was the letter postmarked from?

[Sophistry_and_Illusion]

@Sage Rat

What else did Jesus recommend?

Well, I’m reluctant to share too much with you since, as indicated above, you are clearly not worthy. But here is another bit of advice:

@Jesus

When YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS FAILS YOU, you do either thing, either resist till the end or literally drop dead. (In both cases, it you don’t resist or if you resist, evil will get the best of you–Especially in the last case, you usually have to make a quick decision and in both cases, you have to think who you really are!)

Enough advice–how about some metaphysical reflections?

@Jesus

It is always you who sets the criteria for what you perceive from the outside. You are the judge. This is obvious. In other words, you are yourself the last arbiter to test the tests coming from the outside, implying at the same time that some of these tests are not false.

[Sophistry_and_Illusion]

@Mangetout

Just out of interest, what area was the letter postmarked from?

Artaba, Lebanon. I’m not sure precisely where that is, but it seems like at least the right vicinity for Jesus to be hanging out in.

[chiroptera]

What was it written on?
He sent me one written on a pancake once, but I ate it.

[Sophistry_and_Illusion]

@bonobo_jones

What was it written on?

Handwritten on regular lined paper. Jesus is old school–he doesn’t need any modern contrivances like computers. And I guess postage would have been too expensive on a stone tablet. Such is life when you are committed to poverty.

[twickster]

Reminds me of the old joke:

The Pope calls an urgent meeting for all the cardinals; when they’ve all gathered at St. Peters, he says, "I have some good news and some bad news.

“The good news is that Jesus has returned to earth – in fact, I spoke to Him on the phone this morning, and I’m convinced that this is Our Lord Incarnate, returned.”

Well, much hubbub and ado, of course – but the Pope asks for silence.

“Wait – the bad news…”

He takes a deep breath.

“The bad news is, he was calling from Salt Lake City.”

[Who_me_1]

Ha! Big deal, I’ve gotten several things from Jesus. As a matter of fact, the latest one I got was a late notice for my lawn care bill.
d&r

[LouisB]

Did he mention his mother’s appearances on tunnel walls and other unlikely places?

[Sean_Factotum]

@Sophistry and Illusion

Well, I’m reluctant to share too much with you since, as indicated above, you are clearly not worthy.

But if you have been selected as His chosen vesel for disseminating his wisdom, then you’re really screwing up by not giving us the goods. I mean, since it was a handwritten missive and not e-mail, obviously He needed someone with Internet access to get The Word out.

[Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor]

Did it come postage due, like the last one?

[Plynck]

@Sophistry and Illusion

Well, I’m reluctant to share too much with you since, as indicated above, you are clearly not worthy.

Understood. However:

@Jesus

When you find yourself being caught between what we usually describe as a figure of speech as a ROCK AND A HARD PLACE (it falls in these categories), I guess in the end, you choose a less taxing solution.

April 15th is approaching, and any less taxing solution would be most welcome, especially from someone with high connections.

[Ponder_Stibbons]

Sophistry and Illusion, I’m glad to hear Jesus is doing OK. You should write back and ask him how His family’s doing. Does He have any pets nowadays? That sort of thing.

[ShibbOleth]

This thing had to have been posted almost 2000 years ago… talk about your dead letter office mix ups!
Kind of freaky that he knew exactly where you’d be once you got there, though, wasn’t it?

[Sophistry_and_Illusion]

@ShibbOleth

Kind of freaky that he knew exactly where you’d be once you got there, though, wasn’t it?

Not only that, but He wrote it in a language that didn’t even exist yet!

[Anastasaeon]

@Sophistry and Illusion

Artaba, Lebanon. I’m not sure precisely where that is, but it seems like at least the right vicinity for Jesus to be hanging out in.

Aw, man. He moved. I used to send him letters at the North Pole.

At least… I think that was Jesus.

[Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor]

@Plynck

April 15th is approaching, and any less taxing solution would be most welcome, especially from someone with high connections.

Hrumph! :dubious:

IRS is patroned by the Other Guy.

Go apply in…“the basement”.

[Lissa]

Did he say anything about the twenty bucks he ows me?