It was on early in the morning (don’t sleep real well) and I swear I saw the outline of a human with the words “How much of your weight is feces?” (or fecal …something like that, anyway) superimposed on the screen.
Huh?
“That’s a great way of asking someone, ‘how full of shit are you?’”, I thought to myself.
But I SWEAR it was a diet commercial, because I saw a little pill bottle with a free 30 day offer and an address.
So anyway, I started giggling and fartin’ because it reminded me of something my old TI, Sgt. Hite asked me one day in Basic: “Craig, how much you weigh?”
“Sir! 175, Sir!”
Nothing.
“Sir! May the maggot ask why Sir?”
“So I’ll know how much to shovel off and save your worthless life if you ever fall in some shit! Now drop and gimme 30!”
God we loved that man, and when Basic was over, I had to stay at Lackland for some further training and he took me for a beer one night. Never forget it.
Where was I?
Yeah, is that a real commercial? Have y’all seen it?
I wouldn’t be surprised if it was real. Probably one of those bogus “colon cleanse/detox” things, I bet, where they claim your bowels are packed full of lots of crap and undigested food.
It’s called Colon Cleanse or something? Colon Blow? I have seen it and Raisin Bran works fine for me. I read that the colon cleansings don’t really do much good. As long as your on a low fat, high fiber diet you should be fine.
My mom gets pamphlets from Prevention magazine, vitamin emporiums, and Kevin Trudeau scam things advertising remedies for emptying your full o’ crap colon. Apparently food you ate months ago can still be stuck up there! These pamphlets are tastefully (really) illustrated with subtle drawings of all that waste (not photos, thank god).
Yeah, mom - Colon Blow is about as helpful as drinking a slug of vinegar in water every day, or 9 raisins soaked in gin to cure your arthritis.
I am glad to know it wasn’t a dream y’all, because I have some doozies!
If you saw the commercial too, did they say (as I thought) “how much fecal weight are you carrying?” Because if they did, my reaction to that would go a long way toward convincing me I still have a sense of humor!
When you have your first colonoscopy, you will know exactly how much of your weight is technically outside your body. I think it was over five pounds for me.
(I would strongly recommend going fully vegan for several days before. And be very diligent about your two servings of vegetables with every meal before that. And they aren’t joking when they tell you to stay hydrated.)
I have seen this commercial. The name of the product is ColonFlow, which is just a tiny little bit too close to the classic Saturday Night Live fake ad for Colon Blow cereal. And yes, they do say just how much poo you have stored away up there (more if you don’t do #2 every day). It almost makes me miss Head On.
