[i]That[/i] was the twist! (Joe Millionaire)(spoilers!)

Cafe Society
41

After the big “surprise” all I could think about was…let’s see with federal taxes at 39.6% and an assumed 8% state tax, of course there is French income tax to pay but I’ll ignore it for now…the net per person was in the neighborhood of 270k not considering deductions.

Would I willingly debase myself before the entire nation as a witless “penis dipped in spray-on hair?” (thanks Eats_Crayons)…or, if I was of the other persuasion, would I be willing to be portaryed before all single men as a money grubbing bimbo for only a quarter of a million? I have more pride than that, right?

Then I had to pay my credit cards and quickly came to my senses.

42

IF is the main phrase there :D. There is no evidence that the check will be made out to Evan and Zora (that was just done for the show).

43

I knew that was the twist from day one.

44

Maybe they can get the money in installments like a lottery prize.

45

$1 per year for 1,000,000 years? :wink:

46

“Wasn’t that just a fake check for the show?”

I hope so, otherwise Evan could sign it & Zora could cash it & keep his share :slight_smile:

That was funny Zora planning to sell that jewelry to benefit her relatives, I bet that’s what shes going to do with her dough.

47

This close enough? I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of Here!

48

Well, I LOVED it when she said that the $50 million was sort of a turnoff for her. Because I kind of believe it. If nothing else, it may have turned her off just because she had to watch how it turned all those women into fawning two-faced bitches. It’d make me sick, too.

I know the ending was predictable and I’ve been thinking Joe was an unbearable lunk, but I was happy with the ending. When Evan was being himself, no longer the guy uncomfortably wearing someone else’s life, he was a lot more likeable. Not my type, but likeable.

49

He still looks like a mountain gorilla, though.

50

I doubt they’ll stay together. Evan seems like WAY too much of a player.

51

He was on the Caroline Rhea show last week and they had the following exchange:

Rhea: What do you think the biggest misconception about you is?

Lunkhead: That I’m not a millionaire.

Now, to any moron who can untangle that oh-so-complicated web of double negatives, he admitted to being a millionaire a week ago. And with this smug look on his face like “This is the first time I’ve ever tried being clever…”

Let’s keep in mind that every time you see Lunk on a talk show, or Mad TV, or basically anywhere on television that isn’t news, he gets paid for a personal appearance. So while he might not have been a millionaire before the show (they never DID explain why a heavy-equipment operator makes so meager a paycheck), while he might not have been a millionaire after taxes get to his check, he probably will be by the time his 15 minutes are up.

Got bless America.

52

They also have some show that I saw while flipping channels on E! about a dating show with washed up actors. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the show but they had Gary Colman and the girl from Love Boat as dates. I didn’t watch much but I want to know how to get on there as I would have dated the girl from Love Boat.

As for Joe Millionaire, the look on Sara’s face was pretty funny. I thought she was actaully hurt but I guess not.

53

It’s called Star Dates. I’ve never watched it, but I know they had episodes with Gary Coleman, “Tootie”, the kid from the Munsters (or Addams Family, I forget), and “Screech” from Saved By The Bell. I swear they must play those four episodes on a constant loop, I see one of them every time I’m flipping by E! on my way to Comedy Central.

54

On the show they didn’t, but in several interviews, he’s said that he made $19K last year, and it was because it was a bad year for construction and he only worked part-time.

55

Well, someone else already mentioned it but I think it would have been a better ending if after Evan confessed, Paul would have given her the choice of either staying with Evan or getting a million dollars. That would have been a great ending.

56

"Paul would have given her the choice of either staying with Evan or getting a million dollars. "

I bet they thought of that idea, but might have dropped the idea after discussing just how they would have to enforce that for the future.

57

How I woulda done it:

[Zora shows up in the ballroom for the last time. She’s clearly not happy. Evan, who looks just a tad nervous, is already there. In saunters probably the lone voice of reason on this show, Paul the butler.]

Paul: Glad you actually came here, Zora. I had my doubts as to whether you’d actually show up.

[Some conversation about what’s gone on so far, how Evan was living a lie all these times, etc.]

Paul: Now, as you both are well aware, this is the last day of our little adventure. Needless to say, we’re all expecting Zora to reveal her decision.

Zora: Well, it was a really hard decision for me, and I’m still…

Paul: Oh, you needn’t decide just yet. That should wait until you’ve heard my side of the story.

Evan: Uh…okay, go ahead.

Paul: Thank you. Now, I’ve taken a keen interest in your interactions with each of the lovely ladies in this chateau. And I must say, nearly all of them were indistinguishable in many ways. But the one girl…excuse me, woman. Sorry, force of habit. The one woman who really stood out was Zora. Just the way she carried herself, how she always kept her head up, and how she seemed so much nicer than everyone else. Why, if I had to pick someone to start a meaningful relationship with, she’d be a ludicrously easy choice.

[Evan lookin’ a little nervous; he can sense that this could be going somewhere he doesn’t like.]

Paul: Well, Zora, somewhere in that voluminous contract you had to sign to get on this show, you may have noticed a part that explicitly guaranteed that you would meet a real-life millionaire.

Evan: What the…is this true?

Zora: Yes…it was in there…somewhere. It was really long. Actually, I’m not sure if that part was legitimate.

Paul: Oh, it was quite legitimate, trust me. And now, I suppose you’re both wondering, now that Evan’s secret is out, who that real-life millionaire is.

Zora: Yeah, definitely.

Paul: [dramatic pause] You’ve been living with him all this time.

Evan: What the…oh my god, you’re not…

[Some of the producers sweep into the ballroom and hand Paul an impressive-looking check. For a million dollars.]

Producer 1: Congratulations, Paul. Thanks for being such a good sport about all this.

Producer 2: Hey, you deserve this more than anyone. This should help in building that retirement fund, eh?

[The couple is speechless. Gasps of disbelief "Oh my god no"s, etc.]

Paul: Now, Zora, here’s your decision. You can accept Evan’s proposal, knowing the truth about his humble life…among other things. Or, you can start over with me and my newfound wealth. Of course, if you choose me, you might have to compete for my affections with the 19 girls…excuse me, women…who didn’t make it to this point, and probably many others. Although, thankfully, I’m more particular about the female company I keep than the Fox Network is.

[Pause to let it sink in.]

Paul: Evan chose you over Sara. Now you get to choose who you want to be with. And you can take as much time as you want to make that decision.

[Paul casually strolls out of the room, leaving a reeling Evan and Zora behind.]

Producer 1: Okay, that’s it. Time to get packing.

[Switch to a pull-away exterior shot of the chalet.]

Evan (voiceover): Oh…MAN.

THE END

Why couldn’t it have been like this? Why can’t there ever be a reality show where the “winner” isn’t any better off than anyone else? And expose the silliness of these things? What better than Joe Millionaire, which is absolutely silly to begin with?

Disappointment all around…

58

Maybe on next week’s “aftermath” episode, they’ll throw another twist at us:

Not only did Evan not inhert 50 million dollars, that check for a million bucks given to Evan and Zora wasn’t real either! And all their jewelry was worthless pieces of colored glass.

59

(You have to picture me here as a cartoon bulldog wearing a visor and sitting in front of an old, mechanical adding machine.)

“Talentless lunkhead gets picked from obscurity for no reason.”

(tap-tap-tap-tap-tap, crank)

“Lunkhead gets French chateau, butler, and a group of gorgeous women whom he lies to.”

(tap-tap-tap-tap-tap, crank)

“Women fight over lunkhead.”

(tap-tap-tap-tap-tap, crank)

“Woman and lunkhead get one-million dollars.”

(tap-tap-tap-tap-tap, crank, look at paper)

“It just don’t add up!”

60

The Munsters kid is Butch Patrick. There have also been episodes with Jill Whelan (Vicki from “The Love Boat”) and Phyllis Diller.