I think I found out something quite aweful

Ok. A little background.


I’ve had gas since 4th grade. Seriously. Can’t stop farting. I stand up, I fart. I sit down, I fart. I get in the car, I fart. I work out, I fart. I ask my brother the doctor why I fart so much, I fart. He tells me its probably just diet, I fart. I ask him what kind of diet, I fart. He replies that he has no idea because he eats the same food, I fart.

Then my girlfriend tells me I might be lactose intolerant. She’s not a doctor, she’s in public relations, which as far as I know, has absolutely nothing to do with my gastrointestinal system.

So this month, I cut out all dairy, to see if maybe that makes a difference. No cheese, no milk, nothin’. By the way, I LOVE cheese. Regardless, I cut it out.

Guess what? I have yet to wake up my girlfriend in the middle of the night. I have yet to gross anyone out by going to the bathroom and emitting a 72 second long eruption. My pants bottoms are the same temperature as the rest of my pants.

I will no longer tolerate the lactose. I am now lactose intolerant. Call me a bigot, call me racist, but if there is one thing I will not put up with, its tolerating lactose.

Now what do I do?

If you’re lactose-intolerant, you can join the club. :slight_smile:

Isn’t there something you can take for that?? I seem to recall a cheesy (sorry) TV commercial featuring women buying ice cream cones (“Next time, my treat!” sappy smiles, fade to product)
What kinda Dr is your bro anyhow?? sheesh!

[Dr Nick Riviera] Hi everybody! [/Dr Nick Riviera]

The best part is that my brother is Internal Medicine. Here’s another great example of his out-of-hospital helpfulness:

Other Brother: I hurt my arm playing basketball. Now it hurts when I lift my arm above my head like this. ::lifts arm above his head:: What do you suggest?

Dr. Brother: Don’t lift your arm above your head.

I mean, c’mon! He had been offered fellowships, and graduated in the top 5 of his class, fer God’s sake!

Ya, there are enzyme supplements you can get to help digest lactose. Brand names include Lactaid, Lactrase, and Dairy Ease.

Well, Connor, m’boy, I too am lactose intolerant. However it seems that when cheese is processed, it loses much of the milk sugar. You may be able to indulge yourself in cheese; I do and have no problems with it.

Were I to drink a straight glass of milk, however, it would sit in my stomach for two days, simmering, gurgling and producing vile miasmae. Guess that’s what you get for drinking baby food when you’re and adult!

Hi Doctor Nick!!!

(well… no one else said it…)


Well Conner, me lad, you might be somewhat lactose intolerant, but if all you’re doing is farting, take heart, it could be much worse. I myself am severely lactose intolerant. Does the expression explosive decompression paint any pictures? How about projectile defecation?.

Seriously, it’s a much more common ailment than many people realize. Your doctor, the one who gets paid to be helpful, should be able to arrange for you to be tested. Or, you could just do what my doctor had me do when I developed symptoms: Pick a day when you don’t have anything else to do, and when you get up in the morning, drink half a glass of milk, nothing else.
If you have a reaction, then you have a pretty good working hypothesis. Hie yourself to the local apothecary, or grocery store, and purchase some of the tablets mentioned by degroof, above, for further testing.

For more information on the web, you can use this site as a starting point: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/stevecarper/answer.htm

A few further points:
Manufacturers of food products put milk sugar in everything. Look at the ingredients list for lastose, milk sugar, or whey. They really like that word for some reason.

Like Myron I can eat cheese with little or no ill affect, but be cautious; Everything that looks like cheese isn’t necessarily cheese. It might be a “more cost efective” cheese-like product. It’ll get ya’

Good luck.

“I’ve had gas since 4th grade. Seriously. Can’t stop farting. I stand up, I fart. I sit down, I fart. I get in the car, I fart. I work out, I fart. I ask my brother the doctor why I fart so much, I fart.”

—Goddam. WHY do they always have girlfriends?

Huh. Weird. I came to the conclusion a few years ago that I’m lactose intolerant. But I’m the opposite–I can drink 2% milk (albeit in small quantities) and handle ice cream, but certain cheeses will make me violently ill. Mostly the soft ones. Strange.

And after all the help I gave you for your Scooby-Doo article! Just for that, I’m going to watch “Dumb & Dumber” over and over this weekend until I both know every single line, and force it (shudder) to be my favorite movie.


Excuse the vile humour but that was hilarious


By the way: My condolences to all of you lactose intolerant ppl.

I’m not lactose intolerant, so much as lactose indifferent.

This is what all of you pansies get for swilling your sodas and chugging coffee by the quart. Having been raised by Danes (rhymes with wolves) I have always had milk and cheese as a component of my diet. No nasty problems for this little black duck. I could eat a wheel of Brie without a single trouser peep. It turns out the children in the USA now drink more soda than milk. So rest assured that all of you intolerants will soon be having a lot of company. All you need to do is stop eating dairy for six months or so and you become permanently lactose intolerant.

Saaaay… maybe this explains the global warming problem. It ain’t them cows and their methane, it’s alla youse!

Zenster, I’m afraid you have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve probably eaten a block of cheese a week since I was 4 years old. It has nothing to do with my soda intake.

Your description of your lactose bombarded bowels sounds like an old Gilda Radner sketch:

“Mr, Connor of Fort Wayne, New Jersey writes, 'Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, I have a problem with gas <lurid description deleted> ’ Connor, you sound like a real attractive guy”

Where is your brother? I’m looking for a good internist, I need a doc.

Hey, don’t let this little lactose problem get you down. At least there is something you can take (lactaid) and still be able to eat normaly. I on the other hand am discovering new and interesting ways to eat bland chicken and rice (or a similair equivalent). I had thought I was lactose intolerant also, until I found out it was Crohn’s instead. :frowning:

On a lighter note, reading your OP reminded me a lot of that commercial where the chick gets into the car for her first date with this guy and she farts big time as she gets in and he walks around the car. Then she turns around and realize there is another couple in the back seat and they heard and smelled all. :slight_smile:

I don’t know what I’d do if I was lactose intolerant…

I love milk, cheese, etc…actually, I LOVE cheese.


Conner, would it help you any if you ate your dairy products with a lot of other foods? I noticed that if I drink a big glass of milk, I get sick. But if I were to drink this milk or eat ice cream with a big meal of other items, it doesn’t affect me as badly.