Um, well I don’t really drink milk much at all anymore. And I had a frozen pizza at lunch (why is it that I can eat an entire frozen pizza and not feel full, but will eat a sandwich and some carrots and feel REAL full?), and added some extra cheese on top to see what happened.
So far? Nothing. I’ll keep you posted.
You are a male, aren’t you? Why would you want to stop farting?
This could be what Zenster is referring to. If you drink milk as a baby/child but switch to other drinks, your body stops being able to process milk. Trying to go back to it will produce “issues”.
Lubs ya Diane!
I just recently have come to the conclusion that I’m lactose intolerant. I don’t know how this has happened either. I have always eaten tons of cheese and milk and everything else that calls itself dairy. I have to get those lactose pills. I haven’t tried them yet to see if it works. I’m very upset by this.
Another person of northern European ancestry (Norwegian) who can wallow in oceans of milk, cheese, etc. here.
Connor, I think it’s your GIRLFRIEND who ought to have an “M.D.” after her name. Good call on her part.
Yup, and don’t forget that it’s often used as a “filler” in prescription medications, IIRC.
Ok,(I fart) we were reading this, (I fart) and after the first paragraph me and hypergirl started adding “I fart” after every phrase. (I fart)[Yes, she’s spending the night at my house;(I fart) no, we’re not sleeping together. (I fart.)] It makes for a great new amusement. (I fart.)
I too an among the lactose intolerant, and I’m NEVER without my lactaid. I tried cutting dairy completely out of my diet, but it was just too darn hard. I couldn’t give up the cheese. The lactaid helps, but doesn’t stop the reaction totally, so I’ve found lactaid + moderation = quiet butt. 
You may want to try some of the “veggie” cheese slices they have on the market now. If your in a metropolitan area, you should be able to find them in grocery stores and natural food stores. They’re a great substitute for the Processed Cheese Food slices, and they even melt like Cheese Food. (NOT like cheese, like Cheese Food)
Another great milk-but-not-really food is the Tofutti line of ice"cream". they’ve got some killer ice-cream-sandwich-like things called tofutti cuties that ROCK.
I am reminded that there are some other diseases that act like lactose intolerance, so please, see your Doctor and do the tests.
Also, the degree of lactose intolerance can vary widely from person to person. AND people who become lactose intolerant later in life can do so whether they habitually eat dairy products or not. In many cases, it’s a genetic thing.
That being said, I’m afraid I must now chastize you for not paying attention:
As Myron and I both told you earlier, being lactose intolerant doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t eat cheese. You’ll have to establish the facts of your own situation yourselves.
But, if you still aren’t convinced, it seems that there are lactose-free cheeses available.
Please see the following website:
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/stevecarper/nolacche.htm
(same guy I linked to before.)
I have no direct knowledge of these products, as I said earlier, I eat cheese pretty much with impunity.
Does this read as pompous to you as it does to me?
DUDE!!! If I could fart for 72 seconds I would NEVER want to stop trying to break my record!!! Its almost like your trying to give up your Super Power… don’t do it!!
LOL Whammo, true, true. I can’t imagine being lactose intolerant. Most of the fun in my day comes from milk. I don’t have very fun days.
–Tim
“Diseased nature
oftentimes breaks forth
In strange eruptions”
–Henry IV, Part 1, Act 3, Scene i
My lactose intolerant buddy and I went skiing once. Toward the end of the day, we stopped at the chalet for something to eat. He had apfel strudel (we were in Austria) with a big dollop of ice cream.
That evening he was positively orchestral. It’s my guess that the hotel room we had was uninhabitable for days after we left.
You’re just hanging with the wrong crowd. Spend some time with some TVP poppin veggies who treat farting with respect.
Here is my story. I love my farts, I even asked Santa for one of those fart suits. For all of you who haven’t heard about them, it is like an astronaut suit with a very subtle difference: its internal atmosphere is provided by your ass, that is, you breathe your own farts. It is an enclosed environment so you don’t have to worry about your farts escaping into the outside. Can you imagine it: total solitude between you and your farts, gotta love it! Hope Santa finally puts those damn elves to work and manufacture one for me. After all this years of sending him the schematics of such an engineering masterpiece alongside my letters, I think I deserve it, goddammit!
Regarding Connor’s “problem,” I too was a big time farter when I was a kid. I drank a lot of milk and ate a truckload of beans. I have stopped consuming both and have noticed an unfortunate decrease in my farting proficiency. I always assumed that the cause for the untimely diminishment observed in the frequency of my anal emanations obeyed to the absence of beans in my diet. It is until now that I am considering that not drinking milk could have also played an important factor in my “anal impotency.” Needless to say, I will definitely start consuming more milk in the hope of restoring the farting potency of my ass to its previous unsurpassed glory.
** Connor:**
Can you will your farts into existence, that is, can you fart just by wanting to? A couple of friends can, damn they are so lucky! If I were an X-men, I would love it if my mutant power was an unlimited control over the fart. I will be like Storm, but even more powerful; instead of sending conventional hurricanes against my enemies, I would fart 500 mile per hour winds in their direction. If their kinetic energy didn’t destroy them, its fatuous odor would, by means of asphyxia, render them powerless. Being such a swell guy, I might even consider sparing their lives if they bow before the magnificent power of my ass and pledge eternal loyalty to it. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?
For all the kids out there:
Fart proudly!–Benjamin Franklin. Thanks, Connor.
Ah, the miracle of transubstantiation! The body and blood of Christ contained in a tiny, round wafer. When communion takes place, the Jesus-encapsulating wafer is swallowed, digested and…farted! O.K., now: Jesus is divine, He is an invaluable component of farts, can all of this mean that…Farts are divine? In the name of all that is holly…WTF?
Moral of the story: never, under any circumstances abort a fart. You might be keeping Jesus prisoner in your ass. Somehow, I don’t think He would appreciate that.
Its the cheese. My brother (the non-doctor who was told “don’t do that” up above) had a Christmas party this weekend. There was a great deal of cheese present. Being in the cheese mood (aren’t we all?), I heartily partook of the frommagy goodness.
Yesterday was not exactly a floral arrangment of odouriferous goodness. In fact, it stunk. More accurately, it stunk about once every 11 seconds.
Time to go to Target and get some lactaid.
Oh, and thanks for all the replies, folks. Any more lactose intolerant comments are more than welcome.
Okay, that’s about the sickest thing I’ve read today.
Issues…
My hubby, my eldest son and I are lactose intolerant. I purchase Lactaid milk and that’s about it. I rarely eat ice cream. The amount of cheese I use is negligible and I enjoy yogurt about twice a month. And, if I’m not mistaken, the cultures (enzymes) in yogurt destroy lactose anyway.
Now, my hubby, that’s a whole different story. He is as gaseous as, oh say, Jupiter! I’m convinced he has a dairy allergy. He can be downright unbearable after a glass of 100% lactose reduced milk!
I try to avoid foods that make me gassy or at least take a counter measure. He, on the other hand, drinks milk shakes like they’re going out of style. It’s very yucky when I put my head under the covers at night and I’m immediately thrust into consciousness due to the odiferous atmosphere created sub-blanket!
HeeHeeHeeHeeHee! Oh SOMEbody’s gotta appropriate that for a sig line.
…and who’s working on those audible smilies? Maybe a good rip to go along with this: