I will clarify a minor point in my OP - when I mentioned he asked if I was okay, he didn’t do it in any kind of nice, caring way - more a puzzled “why on earth are you looking so upset” way.
I don’t really get it - I’ve told men I liked them before and had them not return my feelings, but they’ve always been nice and let me down easily. This man has always given every indication of being extremely fond of me as a friend even if nothing else and we (up to now) had grown pretty close.
I realise it isn’t an easy thing to tell people you don’t return their feelings, (I’ve been there too) but I think pretending nothing out the ordinary has been said at all is … bizarre.
On preview, to answer some of the “what made you think he was interested?” comments:
Some examples:
Two weeks ago, he came into the office looking truly awful and obviously in a bit of a state. I took him aside to ask if everything was okay. He said (more or less) not really but then thanked me for asking. Figuring for politeness, I said “you’re welcome” or similar and he leant forward and put a hand on my shoulder and looked intently at me and said “no, I really mean that”.
The next day, he took me aside and thanked me againand that it “meant more to him than I could probably know”.
From last week: his birthday meal with me and the work crowd - his answer to my question about where would you go in a time machine he said he would stay right where he was - he couldn’t be with people he liked more. Again, this was addressed right at me. He also swapped seats at the meal which took him from sitting next to his girlfriend to being sat opposite me.
And, in this context, telling me he was unhappy in his relationship I saw as a reasonably good sign for me. More fool me, I guess.
As QuickSilver points out, it is easy to read stuff into things if you want to.
actually i think his lack of response IS the entire response… that is, he is letting you know that he doesnt have the same feelings AND it’s best not to make it any more an embarassing for YOU by discussing YOUR feelings… in all honesty, imho, it’s merciful!
… moreover, by not discussing your feelings openly with him, it minimizes the awkwardness you both will have as you both move on, particularly you. Perception is key, so let him perceive that you’re doing just fine! Go out with friends and be open about enjoyment at work, preferably in his earshot.
Good for you for having the guts to come out with it, but it doesn’t sound like the timing was right for it. He’s having a struggle right now with his girlfriend; he is in an emotionally turbulent place, and I think you have probably added to his emotional load. At this point, I think you can either play along with his lead and let it drop like a lead balloon, or you can go to him and say something along the lines of how you realize he is in a difficult place right now; “I meant what I said yesterday, but I apologize if I have made a difficult time more difficult for you, and I hope we can remain friends and not let this ruin our working relationship.”
Ok,. right there I just turned into a big pile of goo.
GAH…I’m in love with the guy.
Ok. More details are needed. What does he look like and why do you have the hots for him and why do you think you two would make an Uber Couple?
We’re into you and want you to make a move on us so we don’t have to.
or…
We’re not actually into you, but we’re hoping you’ll do or say something that tells us you’re into us, just to make us feel attractive and awesome.
I have been guilty of both, I admit.
Ok, this isn’t a categorical sweep, but for this guy, it sounds like he’s ENJOYING the flirtation (I’m bet’n that’s extent of his feelings towards Promethea)… as Figaro pointed out, all this dancing around could simply be #2:
“2) We’re not actually into you, but we’re hoping you’ll do or say something that tells us you’re into us, just to make us feel attractive and awesome.”
is this also called mind-fucking??
I disagree. Leave it alone. You said what you meant, right? Your task, grasshopper, is to just be. Wait. See what happens. You did your part. Now it is up to him. He is either into you and this is the right time, or into you, and it is not the right time, or not into you. Trying to backtrack now and say “oh, that wasn’t what I meant” will screw with option one (your favorite) and option two (not bad) and totally screw up your dating karma, to boot.
Be aware that superior-subordinate relationships (or even peer-peer relationships) have the potential to make things really nasty if they don’t work out. Were I in your position I don’t think I would have done anything about it. But now that you have, I wish you the best.
In the future you should live by the saying “Don’t shit where you eat”. It makes things much easier for you, your boss, and your coworkers.
Well, having thought things over, I am not proud of myself for voicing my feelings. I think he desperately wanted to talk to someone about his relationship which has evidently been putting him under lots of stress for months and rather than helping, I just added to his woes. However, I have said it now and while I intend to add nothing more to it, nor am I going to surrender dignity and self respect by pretending he’d misunderstood me and taking it all back.
Shirley Ujest, I don’t really feel like rhapsodising as to why we would make an uber couple/ what he looks like as I never see it happening now and hence it’s painful to reflect on. Suffice it to say we have a lot of things/ interests in common such as a shared overwhelming passion for the ocean, geekish love for Sci Fi, Terry Pratchett novels, Futurama and many of the same films etc etc.
However, to add to the your life is like a film bit, I will add that the reason his problems with his girlfriend have come to a head now is that he is thinking of taking a job abroad and isn’t sure whether to go A) at all B) with her or C) on his own. Did I mention if he did take the job, his boss will be my Dad? This is a lot weirder if I tell you the place I work has 100K+ employees. If I was to actually turn this into fiction, I would work on his responses to me a bit - I think that could use a bit of a rewrite.
He’s out the office today so unlikely to be any updates.
Some of us get it, but freak out and do nothing or act weird, thus warding off the female. Fortunately for me, I was beginning to get over this sort of thing when I met my wife.
I have to agree with this. I’ve seen a couple situations where friends fell in love with and decided to date their bosses. This led to favoritism from the boss, and no matter how hard they tried to conceal it from their co-workers, people eventually picked up on it and there was some jealousy and claims from co-workers that there was unfair treatment. In one of the situations, my friend broke up with her boss and decided to quit because after that, she couldn’t stand to work for him anymore. In the other situation, the other friend is still with her boss, but has alienated her co-workers and is generally unhappy at work.
