Well, this gets weirder and weirder.
I went in to clear the air/ apologise this morning and make sure that the way ahead for us to continue to work together was clear. I said that it was wrong of me to add to a difficult time by burdening him with my feelings and that I understood it must have been awkward and embaressing for him.
He accepted my apology whilst saying I’d done nothing to apologise for; that I shouldn’t feel bad about saying what I was feeling. That he really appreciated me listening and giving him support at a difficult time and that he was aware as my Line Manager, even this wasn’t quite right of him, but still. He said he hoped could still talk to me as before. He added that he thought I was “funny and attractive and that’s as much as I feel I can safely say bearing in mind the Department’ s harrassment/ diversity courses.” I figured he was being a bit patronising here, frankly.
More or less as I was about to leave, he said he was worried that I still seemed a little uncomfortable or upset by things and was anything the matter? As this was a carbon copy of the ending of Monday’s conversation, I turned round in some small exasperation and said “[Name], Expressing such deep feelings and finding they are not returned ispainful. Not in the long term, sure but in the short term, it is embarressing and stings a bit. That’s all - I will be fine, but right now I am less than fine”. Or words very close to that effect.
Here’s the maddening thing - he turned round and said - “I didn’t tell you I was rejecting you.” Whaa??? He went on to say that he was my Line Manager, first, last and always. I told him flat out that this was a really annoying tack to be taking with me, but he refused to be drawn any further except to look quite stressed and reiterating that I worked for him and that was that. i did ask would changing the line mangement chain make any difference and he looked thoughtful for a few seconds before realising that the answer to that question was impossible without revealing more than he wanted to. I then apologised and acknowledged that having stated I wanted to apologise for pressurising him, I was now doing it again. He smiled gratefully.
The conclusion is I guess he pays close attention to the “don’t get laid where you get paid” memoes that I cheerfully ignored (and wished I hadn’t, now). But jeez! How bloody bloody annoying. Alternative is that I’m being jerked about by a master manipulator of women’s feelings. Or that he’s too gutless to do the “I like you, but not in that way” spiel that is the socially acceptable way out of these things.
AAARGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
For what it’s worth, Airman Doors, I Promethea hereby promise to never, never EVER get mixed up in anything like this ever again.