I think I know what it's like to be Wally

Yesterday, my wife and I were looking at houses. Found a couple of really nice ones and went to the realty office at the front of the neighborhood. Unfortunately, the main realtor was out for a few minutes, so the assistant said she would send her down to the house if we wanted to wait there.

We get back to the (empty) house. I feel the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I figure I have a couple of minutes to urinate. The plumbing works so I decide to go for it. Unfortunately, the bathroom door is off of the hinges which means my privacy is at stake. Not an issue with my wife around, but I am in a strange house so it would have been nice. But, I plow ahead undaunted.

I kindly ask my wife to stand somewhere near the front of the house to warn me of an impending arrival. Apparently, my wife took this to mean “Hey honey, while I am standing here open to the world why don’t you go wander into the back of the house to look at closet space while I teeter on the brink of indecent exposure.”

Needless to say, I am about halfway through with my brief sojourn when I hear the front door open and the real estate lady says “Hello? Anybody here?” At this point I freeze. As any male doper will attest, it is less than comfortable to come to a screeching halt in mid-stream. It is akin to a hot poker covered in tabasco sauce. Unfortunately, I am not in the position to move or make a sound. I can see the realtors shadow around the corner and I am about as well hidden as a skyscraper in the desert.

Thankfully, my wife finally speaks up and says “Back here in the master bedroom.” The realtor strolls to the back of the house leaving me the chance to quickly finish up, while wishing that flushing was a silent experience. Thankfully, that didn’t give me away and for all this realtor knows, I was up in the attic checking structural support.

Did ja walk into any spider webs making an ass out of yourself in front of the neigbors?
Did ja leave any dead hamsters in your wake?
Did ja introduce your daughter to the SDMB, exposing her to countless innuendos?

I know Wally. You’re Mully, don’t let the double-L-Y fool ya.

Nope, you don’t know how it is to be Wally even a little.

Nothing happened. You pulled it off, Mully. You’re in the clear.

I can only guess at the scenario that would have unfolded if I were in your place.

I don’t even want to think about it.

Let me take a stab at this:

If Wally would have been involved here, the story would have ended one of two ways:

  1. A large, uncoverable pee stain on his clothing, from his neck to his knees; or,

  2. His zipper gets stuck, he tries to make a run for it to another room with a door before the real estate agent sees him. In the hallway his pants fall to his ankles, he trips and falls in a loud crash, and the real estate lady comes around the corner to see him, nowhere near the bathroom, with his pants essentially off and his johnson in his hand.

(Can I be a writer on “The Wally Show?”)

Nope, Milo.

The real estate agent enters the bathroom. Wally, turns and extends his hand for a shake, thereby distracting her glance. His bladder relaxes so he proceeds to unintentionaly piss on her skirt.
Embarrassed, he grabs a handful of toilet paper, falls to his knees and begins to blot the stain.
Mrs. Wally takes this opportunity to return.
Divorce procedings ensue.
Mrs. Real Estate Agent is married to Mr. Banker, so not only doesn’t Wally get to by the house, his credit has been revoked and the newly seperated Wally can’t find any suitable accomodations.
He hitchhikes to Las Vegas, hooks up with kellibelli following the Dopers Gala, and moves into her Canadian trailer.
He becomes ShitBoy II for running up kelli’s phone bill.
She evicts him.
Amy returns from university, finds Mom shaced up with recent emmigre ColdFire and proceeds to post the whole sordid mess.
TubaDiva empithizes with Amy and bans Wally.
Amy posts the whole sordid affair, runs off with Guano Lad and they are voted “favorite SDMB sweethearts” in next year’s Poster Poll.
Amy’s thread becomes the “most linked to thread” 'cause everyone wants to know, “Where’s Wally?”

Then I go to bed 'cause it’s late and I, apparently, am very tired.

I had to stop reading this thread about 20 times before I finally was able to control my laughter. My colleagues think I’m mad! Well, they did that before. It’s just that now, they seem to have a good reason to think so.

But I have to agree that Mully didn’t pull a true Wally here. It was very funny, but it ended well. What can I say - keep practising, Mully :wink:

So, does shacking up with the former mrs. M7 mean I can’t flirt with Amy anymore? I guess that WOULD complicate things a bit, eh?

If I wasn’t at work, I’d be laughing hysterically. As it is, I think I’m turning purple from trying not to.

I hereby nominate ChiefScott and Milossarian as scriptwriter for the newest Hollywood blockbuster:

** * Wally: The Movie ** *

Any seconds?

I’ll second the above. But I just want to know one thing: Didn’t the realtor hear the flush? Please tell me you flushed…


There was a flush, but I had the fortunate combination of the realtor being in the closet with my wife (that’s just begging for a joke from someone) and a pretty fair distance between the two rooms.

And yes, I do know this doesn’t quite reach Wally level, but for that brief shining moment when I could see the shadow and I had the flow stopped, I knew what it was like to be on the verge of disaster in Wally’s World.

Nah, I’ve already given up on the screenplay. Hollywood’s too cutthroat.

Instead, I’m going to manufacture http://www. bracelets.

What Would Wally Do?

Every time you look at it, you’ll crack up. Only $9.95.

No Canadian orders, please.

Those were, of course,

WWWD bracelets

Holy shit, man. I don’t even know if I could’ve stopped. The fear would’ve probably just caused an even bigger flow.

Or a pants soiling.

Sheesh I almost peed myself laughing here. Thanks guys!!! What a bloody hoot!!

Milo, I work in the US… can I order one from work?

Only make mine a T-shirt, if possible, please.

A great big ol’ W W W D on a t-shirt - that’ll get 'em asking questions.

Actually, wouldn’t W W W P* be more appropriate?

*Where would Wally pee?

Here’s how you pull a “Ukulele Ike” if you’re caught in the above situation…

Swing around, so your back is to the open door.

Look over the shoulder at the real estate agent with a suave smile and a big wink.

Announce that you’re “Just checking the water temperature.”

All right.

This thread is too goddam funny to let a post of MINE kill it. I’m bumping it back to page one.

You didn’t tell me you had removable leg prostheses, Uke. I coulda sworn those gams were the real deal.

As an update, we went to the house again tonight and I had no urge whatsoever to use the bathroom. However, my wife decided to go but decided to go with the master bedroom toilet which has about 3 doors between it and the entrance to the house. I tried to round up a bunch of neighbors to come in and surprise her, but she was too darn quick.