I think my house tries to kill me

I’m either very clumsy these days or my house tries to kill me.

Last week I found this bruise. I have no idea where I got it. Three days ago I cut myself with pruning shears in my left indexfinger. Yesterday I cut myself with a knife in my left middlefinger.

And today I hit the peak so far. I fell down the stairs and hit every single step with my butt and my spine, bruised my ankle, broke off a fingernail and again cut myself. This time its my right indexfinger.

At least I can play the sympathy card for the stair-incident so I don’t have to clean the livingroom and pick up the apples in our garden.

I’m almost out of band-aid.

It’s only our yard that has it in for me. If I’m not being poked by hard, pointy trees or shrubs, I’m falling down. I take one good tumble every summer. Last year I fell down the shallow steps into the back yard. Right knee went into plants, left knee went into concrete. I had blood on one knee, grass stains on the other–I looked like a horizontal traffic light. Rocks like to drop on my feet, the shears for pruning/cutting prefer to attempt pruning my fingers. I’ve tripped over nothing, and I’ve tripped over actual objects. I’ve poked myself in the face with more than one rhododendron. I really don’t think clumsy people should try and do yardwork.

A month ago I cut into my finger with the pruners again. It’s now scarred and tender. I know it’s my crappy coordination. I learned to not do things that can result in disaster after I’ve had a few klutzy incidents that day. I always do scissors and cutting objects on good days, and try to remove distractions so I don’t loose a finger. I don’t try to clean up a mess on the bad days, because I’ll cause a bigger mess and get injured. Have you ever tried to pick up something and dropped it 10 times in a row before it was back on the table? I now try one pick up and leave it if it fails. As soon as the shoes are off, I whack my toes into a door jamb of table leg. i bet you didn’t relies you can get a bleeding injury from running into the light switch as you walk by. I make sure all doorways have no nail heads popping out or I will rip open my arm for sure.

The thing with the pruners is I see what is going to happen but i can’t stop myself to prevent the injury. Inside my head I’m screaming NO!!!, but my hands don’t stop for a second.

Well, as long as your house isn’t as nasty as this one

I was showering one day when somehow I managed to knock my head on the washbasin and fell to the floor. Don’t ask me how it happens. It just happened. Damn surreal.

I once had my shower try and kill me, CrazyChop, you’re not alone.

I’d found this marvelous little storage caddy thing that hung over the shower head, two shelves for shampoo bottles and such, and the bottom with four nice big hanging thingies poking out. You could drape a washcloth there, or hang the shower poof to dry, just straight rods jutting out of the bottom of the caddy.

As you can imagine, I’m showering away one day, turned to the back of the shower as I rinse suds from my hair and then I spin around to grab the conditioner. The non-skid tub got all skiddy with the suds and suddenly I’m sliding forward uncontrollably, heading towards what now appear to be shishkabob skewers at eye level. Somehow, the part of my brain that wasn’t busy with the panicking threw up my arms on either side of my head and I came to a halt, with my quivering eye about an inch shy of being pierced.

On the bright side, if you’re going to wet yourself in fear, the shower’s a handy place to do so. The caddy was immediately removed and my eyeballs remain whole to this day.

On Saturday I almost fell backwards into the roses in Olbric Gardens in Madison. Somehow I stopped myself, but it was close. You’d might as well laugh at yourself, or you’ll be the only one not enjoying the day.