I think what makes your story so spectacular is the fact it was a substitute teacher and the fact that you vomitted all over him. (as opposed to a random splash or two on his shoes).
Wow, this makes all the usual substitute teacher pranks (paper planes, signing the attendance sheet “Dick Hertz”, etc) pale in comparison.
And phouka, you seem to be an understanding and concerned substitute teacher. When I look back on my schooldays, it always irked me that most of the substitute teachers were detestable. Let’s hope you and others like you can change the substitute teacher image.
Look at what’s happened to me,
I can’t believe it myself.
Suddenly I’m on the floor of the John,
It should’ve been somebody else.
Believe it or not,
I’m barfing up chunks,
I never thought I could feel so si-ick.
Barfing up chunks on the dumb substitute,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.
It looks like the pizza I had this morning,
coming back up from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the daze I was in,
Making all of my friends go, “EEEWW!”
Believe it or not,
I’m barfing up chunks,
I never thought I could feel so si-ick.
Barfing up chunks on the dumb substitute,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.
I teach classes at a university, and it amazes me how many students feel like they need to ask permission to leave if they need to use the restroom. I get embarassed for them even if they don’t.
For my freshman classes, I have included the “you don’t need to ask permission to leave the room” speech as part of my introduction to the class the first week of class. However, I do ask that they leave discretely if they need to leave so that they don’t disturb the rest of the class.
I too think it’s ridiculous that kids should have to ask to go to the bathroom. I have a friend who used to have serious errr… “bowel problems” when he was younger. As a result, he spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Apparently some teachers find this behavior “suspicious.” Poor kid… He had all kinds of problems.
Sung to the tune of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
[sup]With apologies to The Police[/sup]
Sub teacher; the classroom
And START both do detest
He’s feeling, so badly
This pizza won’t digest
Inside him, there’s rumblin’
It’s gonna make him pay,
Chunks buildin’, - he’s so close now
This dude is in the way
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
He’s feeling, so nauseous
You know how bad it gets
Sometimes it’s not so easy
To hold back the wretch
Digestion frustration
He thinks it’s gonna fly
Wet Sub now, he’s dripping
His shirt is pizza-fied.
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
Lose lunches, the whole classroom
To hurl they try and try
Strong smells from, the staff room
These shoes ain’t gonna dry.
It’s no use, his legend
It STARTs to grow untrue
Just like ol’ John Belushi
That START dude sure can spew.
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
Don’t stand, don’t stand in,
Don’t stand in front of me.
Oooh! Why didn’t I think of vomiting on my misbehaving students on days when I didn’t feel well! Wow! What a story to share in the teachers’ lounge.
Seriously, sorry you were sick and that the sub was such a butthole about it.
I don’t know what your school is like, but in the school where I taught, if students could leave to go to the restroom at will, there would be steady traffic in and out of the room and utter chaos in the halls and bathrooms. I don’t know what the situation is in private schools, but public school teachers are accountable for the welfare of their students. We can be suited if something bad happens to them while they are in our care. That’s why we have to exercise some discretion about letting students leave the room.
If a substitute is discouraged by a little vomit, he would never last long in teaching. I know teachers who work in a school where part of their duty is to clean their students’ bottoms after they defecate. And I could give you other examples from regular schools.
Enjoy your memory, START! It’s yours for a lifetime and one that your grandkids will love hearing about someday!
I’ve always heard it called “The Screaming Twirlabouts.”
START, throwing up in front of a group of one’s peers is usually painfully embarrassing, but you, sir, carried it off with class. I salute you! (Hope you’re feeling better, BTW.)
I was not feeling well, raising my hand and my teacher kept blowing me off. I finally got up and walked to her desk and she still kept ignoring me. I couldn’t hold off any longer and puked right in front of her desk. I don’t know why I didn’t just walk out of the class as soon as I felt it coming on. So she tells me to go to the restroom. As soon as I walk in the door of the bathroom I puke and then I finally make it to the toilet. A few minutes later she comes walking in the bathroom and slips in my puke. She didn’t fall down, luckily, but she did end up with vomit in her shoes, between her toes, no less. She had on some of those high heel open toed shoes (the 70’s). I felt terrible for her. She handled it all very gracefully. Especially that slip slide into the vomit.
What Left Hand of Dorkness said. Curse my slow typing.
I can only applaud you START but you have to tell us what has happened since. Are you now officially the “guy who puked on the Sub”? Maybe they erected a puking START fountain? I know you deserve it, and by deserve I mean fortunate enough to have a potentially embarrassing situation pull a 180 and make you incredibly cool through very little effort of your own. Oh yeah baby!
I have not yet been back to school, that’s why I am home right now but since you want to know I can tell you what I have been told from my friends.
The editor of the Yearbook supposedly wants me to reinact the scene using a stand-in for the substitute and spitting out some chewed up food…I say supposedly because I’m not quite convinced that is true I think my friend was joking.
But I do know that the substitute has not been stopping anyone from getting up and going into the restroom since the incident and that somehow the story of my little vomit incident has made it over to the nearby Junior High.
Man, when I was a kid I thought we were doing good when we could make a subsitute or a student teacher cry. START, you are the wind beneath my wings.
While I never vomited on a school official I remember a particular vomit episode. I think I was in first or second grade and got kind of queasy in class. The teacher sent me to the nurse’s office which was about fifty yards away across a lawn with a long straight concrete walkway. Coming the other way was the principal, Mr. Wessner. He gave me a big smile and a hearty greeting. All I could do in response was look up weakly and…BLORRRCH!
My projectile hurl didn’t quite reach him but made a hell of a mess on the walkway. His smile melted and all he could say was “well… do it on the grass next time.”
FWIW film directorand all around weird guy John Waters, who is known for his realistic puke scenes, says that creamed corn and ketchup makes the best stage vomit.
