Who is “he”? Ms. Whatsit told a story about her grandmother having wht Ms. Whatsit speculated was 2-3 indulgent meals or snacks per week, and how she would feel the need to excuse herself for her choice. I assumed, based on my own experience and observation, that Grandma felt the need to excuse herself because she felt judged for her choice.
I’m certain that Billfish doesn’t care at all about Ms.Whatsit’s Grandma, alive or dead, and his ignoring everything that isn’t actively about Grandma losing weight is not about his not wanting her to die, not least because she’s already dead.
And once again: (I JUST posted this today!) obesity didn’t cause Grandma to die. I assume from her story that Grandma died of complications of diabetes. Obesity doesn’t cause diabetes, either. Type II diabetes and obesity are very frequently observed to exist simultaneously, lending credibility to the idea that the same forces are working to cause both diabetes and obesity.
Being fat doesn’t kill you. Some things that kill you also make you fat.
So yeah, his making everything about Grandma’s weight loss or lack of it is irrelevant, especially to what i was pointing out: the fact that Grandma, a presumably intelligent, experienced, 70 year old woman, felt the need to make excuses to those around her for her decision to have some of Aunt Janice’s pie or some chocolate. And the only thing that billfish found worthwhile to consider was whether the judgment was making her fat (no) or whether her excuses were helping her lose weight (no).
Which is not that unusual. But for the sake of the people in billfish’s life, along with others who think like he does, I would hope he would try to get beyond his personal issues with weight (and death, for that matter) and any urge he might have to scold or shame or judge anyone in his life for what they eat, whether they weigh 500 pounds and have diabetes and heart disease, or not. Because scolding, shaming, and judging is 99.7% useless, and instead of helping Grandma or anyone else live longer, it is actually just going to reduce the quality of Grandma’s life by contributing to her shame and fear.
For those who may be thinking: “Well what am I supposed to do when someone I love is fat and diabetic and old and still insists on eating pie and chocolate??” I’ll tell you: sit down with your loved one, and have an open conversation with them. Something like:
"Grandma, I want you to know how important you are to me, and how happy I am that you are in my life. I want you to be healthy and happy and comfortable, and I want to do everything I can do to make sure you are.
I know you know what you’re supposed to do to manage the diabetes and improve your health, and I know you understand the risks you face. I trust you. I trust your doctors. If you want me to help you in any way at all, please ask me, because I really do want to help you.(Then, so it isn’t an ampty offer that leaves it up to Grandma to figure out what she needs, you come up with genuinely helpful ideas, like spending a couple of afternoons with grandma experimenting with her favorite recipes and ways to make them more diabetes-friendly: you help her and spend some quality time wiht her to boot!) But if you don’t, I understand. I respect you, I respect your choices, and I’m not going to give you a hard time about what you eat or anything else you do, because I don’t think it helps to try and make you feel badly over your choices. So I’m not going to play policeman over your diet. I hope you will do your best to choose to take the best possible care of yourself that you can, because I want to keep you around; but your happiness is what I want most of all."
And then shut the fuck up and enjoy being with your grandmother. If that means she wants to spend her weekends making pies for everybody and eating them too, and it makes her happy, then that’s what it means and you aren’t making her life happier or better by giving her shit about it. I’ve known more than one person who decided that the sacrifices required to extend their lives reduced the quality of their lives to such a degree that the extra time didn’t seem worth it. It’s their call.