I used to like Star Wars....

Cafe Society
#1

Warning: anti-Star Wars diatribe ahead. Not to be taken seriously by anyone. Young Jedis and/or Siths lacking in boo-koo quantities of the Force read at their own risk.

Warning this is your last.

Seriously; last warning.

I got cable TV for the first time in my life in early 2007. I was not impressed. One of the stations was HBO and during the first few months or so it seemed that every time I turned the TV on HBO was broadcasting one of them stupid Star Wars movies, and by stupid I mean episodes I, II and III.

I was 9 years old when Star Wars Episode IV came out (of course it was episode only at the time). I have never been big on movies and didn’t give Episode IV much thought at the time. Then a year or so after the movie was out of the theaters and without knowing anything whatsoever about the plot or the relationship of the characters I had a dream about the movie (and I wasn’t even taking BP meds at the time like I am now). So then I got a hold of the comic book version of the movie and was hooked even though the actual movie was nothing at all like my dream.

By the time the 3rd movie came out (episode VI; the way he counts you’d think Lucas had worked for the government) I had a fairly sizeable collection of Star Wars toys, but I did not add anything from the 3rd movie.

I have never been able to stomach the Episode I movie- Jar Jar in front of the camera acting and Lucas behind the camera directing. Neither have I ever seen Episode II or Episode III all the way through (and I don’t plan to see VIII).

However, when my local paper provided a plot summary for all 6 episodes when Episode III came out, I couldn’t help but have questions.

  1. What’s with all of the weird character names in Episode I and II and III? Names like Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo and even Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett sound half-way natural. But, who in the Death Star came up with Padme and Palpatine? Was Lucas simply dreaming up crazy characters so he could sell more action figures? Or was Padme and Palpatine what the cast ended up doing to each other at the wrap party?

  2. If Vader knew that Luke Skywalker was his son, why did it take him so long to catch on about Leia?

  3. When Episode II came out I heard something about Jedi Knights not being allowed to fall in love. I bet Solo wishes someone had told Luke that when he was putting the moves on his own sister in Episodes IV and V.

  4. Does Yoda use a full-size light saber?

  5. In Episode I Obi-wan told Luke that Vader had helped the Emperor hunt down and kill all of the Jedi Knights. But, at the end of that movie, when Obi-wan and Vader meet on the Death Star, Vader says “It’s been a long time” as if he had gotten lonely and missed his old chum Obi-wan. Considering that Obi-wan had spent the past 20 years or so living on the same planet that Vader had grown up on, why didn’t Vader know where to look?

  6. Vader supposedly built 3PO when he was a child. I know that 3PO was always scatter-brained, but surely he could remember where he came from. And if he couldn’t remember why didn’t R2D2 tell him?

  7. And speaking of coming from, Vader was a supposedly born of a virgin. Just who does Vader think he is? Nero?

  8. It’s sort of disappointing to know that the Empire and the battle for the universe began simply as a trade war. It wasn’t about truth and justice and the American way after all. There really was no noble sentiment about all men (and whatever Jabba was) being created equal; nothing about no taxation without representation or jury trials or the pursuit of happiness. It was just a trade war. But, I guess this is to be expected since Episode IV began as a trade war- between Stars Wars and Battlestar Galactica.

  9. If the Force was so strong in Luke Skywalker, why did he not know a thing about it until Obi-wan explained it to him in Episode IV?

  10. And just who decided that Luke was to be raised by a dirt-farmer, while sister Leia was raised as a princess?

  11. And speaking of princesses, how does a Republic have royalty?

  12. Was anyone else as disappointed with John Williams’ effort for Episodes I II and III as I was?

  13. Let me see if I have all this right: Darth Vader had a daughter he did not know about. Luke Skywalker had a father he did know about. Leia spent almost 2 whole movies lusting after a brother she didn’t know about. And Luke has endured the death of his father and 2 mentors. I can’t wait for Star Wars Episode DCCCIX- Therapy.

#2

The name Palpatine was used in the original trilogy’s EU material. It wasn’t something invented for the prequels.

She’s not as strong in the Force and isn’t named Skywalker.

Who was going to tell him? Obi-Won’s Force ghost had higher priorities.

Yes. Why wouldn’t he?

Finding one person on an entire planet is hard enough when he’s not actively in hiding.

There’s no supposedly about it. He did build him.

Bail Organa had him mindwiped.

Who says R2 knows?

Again, there’s no “supposed” about it… It is explicitly stated in the film.

Owen and Very deliberately shielded him from learning about the Force.

Bail Organa.

The Principality of Aldreaan is a sovereign state within the Republic. The Republic is a confederation, not a unitary government.

No she didn’t. What movie did you watch?

#3

Life in the intergalactic projects is tough.

Po Pos? C3PO? The analogy is RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!

#4

It seems like your complaints are that the prequels ruined a lot of things.

I don’t think you’re going to find a lot of dispute on that.

#5

I don’t believe you ever liked Star Wars.

#6

Except, I’ve heard it argued that John Williams did a typically strong job with his scores, and this in fact was the best-realized part of those movies.

Not that this is a reason to watch them.

#7

Why would Vader go back there? Leave aside that it’s the place where he was a slave. Leave aside that it’s the place where his mother died. It’s covered in sand. And let me tell you this: he does not like sand. I could list reasons.

#8

Sadly, his not liking sand is probably the strongest explanation as to why

  1. Tatooine was chosen as the hideout
  2. He never got wise as to the location of his son
#9

I was actually anxious to hear the music any chance I could get long before I had any interest in watching the movie.

#10

Here are some things I’ll add to what has already been answered:

In the movie, Beru says “He has too much of his father in him.” It’s hard to know just how much this is an aunt’s comment about a teen and how much might have a deeper meaning. If we give it a deeper meaning, Vader was recognizing “himself” in Luke, and Leia didn’t have those same traits to be as easily recognized.

Why would Vader look for Kenobi at Vader’s home? Kenobi’s only reason for being on Tatooine was Luke, and there’s no real reason for them to pick Tatooine. In fact, reading between the lines, they probably picked it because Vader had bad memories about Tatooine and would probably choose not to return to it if he had a choice.

A theory that involves a little fan-wanking and EU material: Yoda hid on Degobah next to a cave that was full of the dark side. Kenobi hid on Tatooine not far from where a young Anakin slaughtered a tribe of sand people including women and children. Perhaps the way to avoid detection is to find a place where something evil can mask your presence?

As explained, C3PO had his memory wiped periodically. R2 did not, so it could have said something. What would R2 have gained by saying anything to anyone?

Besides that, R2 speaks in a language the audience doesn’t understand and is often spoken to dismissively by C3PO. For example, as Luke is repairing the droids in the first movie, C3PO says “but with what we’ve been through, this little R2 unit has become a bit eccentric.” In the same scene, R2 denies playing the hologram of Leia. So there, you go: 1) R2 conceals his past, and 2) C3PO ignores him even when he tells the truth.

You seem to have forgotten the entire first half Star Wars. Owen and Beru tried very hard to keep Kenobi away from Luke and to keep Luke away from the Force. When Luke asks about Kenobi, Owen becomes angry and says “That old man’s just a crazy old wizard.”

At the end of the conversation Beru says “Luke’s just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.” Owen replies “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

I suspect the original intent was for Kenobi to train Luke from a young age, and that Owen had his own ideas and said no. So Kenobi chose to wait and Luke remained ignorant. None of that is stated in the movies, though.

No. It’s just you. :slight_smile:

But, seriously, the soundtracks were the best parts of the prequels and easily on par with the original tracks.

#11

The name Palpatine technically predates the first movie. It was used in the novelization, which came out a few months before the movie.

#12

There was no trade war, Palpatine was behind both sides, he formented a crisis so he could usurp power.

#13

While Star Wars is full of plot holes and inconsistencies, hiding in plane sight is not one of them.
Now, Obi-Wan going by old Ben and wearing the same robes is one of them.

#14

Hiding Luke with Vader’s own family always seemed like the biggest plot hole. I mean, I guess they lucked out and Vader never bothered to check in on his step brother’s family, but it seems pretty crazy that Kenobi and Organa just assumed that he wouldn’t do so.

#15

The blade is full length, the hilt is small.

#16

  1. What’s with all of the weird character names in Episode I and II and III? Names like Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo and even Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett sound half-way natural. But, who in the Death Star came up with Padme and Palpatine? Was Lucas simply dreaming up crazy characters so he could sell more action figures? Or was Padme and Palpatine what the cast ended up doing to each other at the wrap party?
    I mostly agree with you. Place name and character names were always a little out there. Want to cringe? Find the actress audition tapes for Leia. Only Carrie Fisher sounded at all comfortable saying Lucas’s stupid lines full of nonsensical proper nouns.

  2. If Vader knew that Luke Skywalker was his son, why did it take him so long to catch on about Leia?
    Leia wasn’t strong enough to create a disturbance. Vader could sense the presence and found out the name later, but he was so divorced from his previous self the Emperor had to tell him it was his son.

  3. When Episode II came out I heard something about Jedi Knights not being allowed to fall in love. I bet Solo wishes someone had told Luke that when he was putting the moves on his own sister in Episodes IV and V.
    Luke wasn’t even close to being a Jedi Knight in episodes IV and V.

  4. Does Yoda use a full-size light saber?
    The handle is at least half the length of most others. The blade is also shorter.

  5. In Episode I Obi-wan told Luke that Vader had helped the Emperor hunt down and kill all of the Jedi Knights. But, at the end of that movie, when Obi-wan and Vader meet on the Death Star, Vader says “It’s been a long time” as if he had gotten lonely and missed his old chum Obi-wan. Considering that Obi-wan had spent the past 20 years or so living on the same planet that Vader had grown up on, why didn’t Vader know where to look?
    I don’t know if it’s canonical, but the former Anakin hated his home planet so much it created a total blind spot for it. This allowed Ben and Luke to hide in plain sight. But really, it was a stupid idea to have it be the same planet. And completely unnecessary. Anakin should have been introduced as a young adult without delving into his childhood directly. Lucas had developed an obsession with showing his characters as kids starting with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

  6. Vader supposedly built 3PO when he was a child. I know that 3PO was always scatter-brained, but surely he could remember where he came from. And if he couldn’t remember why didn’t R2D2 tell him?
    Again, a stupid idea that would have been left out had anyone been able to tell Lucas, “No.”

  7. And speaking of coming from, Vader was a supposedly born of a virgin. Just who does Vader think he is? Nero?
    It’s part of the “chosen one” mythos Lucas was aiming for. Supposedly, Darth Emperor or whatever sent cosmic mitochlorian sperm to Anakin’s mommy.

  8. It’s sort of disappointing to know that the Empire and the battle for the universe began simply as a trade war. It wasn’t about truth and justice and the American way after all. There really was no noble sentiment about all men (and whatever Jabba was) being created equal; nothing about no taxation without representation or jury trials or the pursuit of happiness. It was just a trade war. But, I guess this is to be expected since Episode IV began as a trade war- between Stars Wars and Battlestar Galactica.
    Yup. Another stupid Lucas idea for the prequels. The simple black-vs-white hero’s journey that made the original so successful and easy to follow, despite the convoluted universe, was cast aside to watch legislative sausage being made. A pivotal plot point in Ep.I is a vote of no confidence, for crying out loud. Fortunately, in Ep.7 all the muddy politics are background at most, like it was originally.

  9. If the Force was so strong in Luke Skywalker, why did he not know a thing about it until Obi-wan explained it to him in Episode IV?
    Who would have told him? It hadn’t manifested yet anyway.

  10. And just who decided that Luke was to be raised by a dirt-farmer, while sister Leia was raised as a princess?
    A decision made between the productions of the 1977 film and Empire Strikes Back. The two were not siblings to start out with. In-universe, Jimmy Smits was loyal to the Jedi and his wife wanted a daughter. Luke sent into indentured servitude with a moisture farmer? The Jedi-CPS only had so many foster parent options at that point.

  11. And speaking of princesses, how does a Republic have royalty?
    It’s a republic at the galactic level, not at the planetary level. The whole elected-queen on Naboo was pretty stupid. Just leave the family as benevolent royalty and not try to shoehorn in modern democracy.

  12. Was anyone else as disappointed with John Williams’ effort for Episodes I II and III as I was?
    Actually, I think its some of his better work. Duel of the Fates is absolutely amazing and is paired with the best part of the movie (and best lightsaber duel of the entire series).

  13. Let me see if I have all this right: Darth Vader had a daughter he did not know about. Luke Skywalker had a father he did know about. Leia spent almost 2 whole movies lusting after a brother she didn’t know about. And Luke has endured the death of his father and 2 mentors. I can’t wait for Star Wars Episode DCCCIX- Therapy.
    We don’t really see much lusting from Leia. She treats Luke rather coldly in A New Hope until consoling his disappointment with Han leaving. She kisses Luke on Hoth only to rile up Han. The rest? yeah, the family is a Shakespearian tragedy.

Overall, the irritating clumsiness and boredom of the prequels ruined Star Wars for me, too. The new movie is really fun, though. Back to the roots (maybe too much, but what the hell). Give it a shot and remember the prequels only in context of the hilarious reviews and analysis they spawned.

#17

I never liked it, my wife does and is the only reason I even watched them but I think their corny. So don’t feel bad if you no longer like it. It’s just a movie, the only thing stupid is to take it so seriously that you have to question faults in the story.

#18

As far as Vader knows, his children are dead. He has no reason to go looking for them, or to check up on his dead mom’s new husband’s kid from a previous marriage.

#19

Plus it’s reasonable to think any disturbance in the force caused by Luke’s wet dreams, or whatever, would be blown off by Vader as some echo from his past.

Say what you like, but hiding in plain sight is a well established tactic.

#20

He doesn’t know he has a kid(s)*. But it still seems kinda ballsy to assume he wouldn’t look his relatives up, or ask someone who’d recently been in Tatooine about them. Or whatever. They don’t even bother changing the kids last name. You wouldn’t think it would be that hard to find a different couple somewhere.

And presumably the plan does backfire. Vader finds out Luke is his kid off camera, but presumably he does so because he searched the house of his step-brothers and put two and two togeather.

*plus this is dependent on the fact that Vader falls for the ruse.