I Want A Computer Hacker Like In Movies/TV Shows!

It seems like in every movie/TV show, all you need to do is find a guy who looks funny and has played video games for a decade; he can:

  • Hack in to your bank and transfer funds into your account from a large corporation.
  • Sneak into your company’s computer and up your salary and add vacation days.
  • Get video from every surveillance camera on earth, just to see what’s going on.
  • Get yourself a PhD from Harvard officially put in their records for anyone to verify.

I want that hacker to come to my house for a day or so - there is a case of free beer and unlimited Cheetos in it for ya - hell, I’ll even spring for pizza.
Let me know when you can stop by.

You missed out on “Create a 3D simulation of the most likely outcome, in half an hour” and “Enhance blurry pixelated images into perfect clarity with a click of one button” all while never touching a mouse.

If anyone can hack me a phd from harvard, ill top his offer… two cases of beer, pizza of your choice, and you can have your way with me

Don’t forget to have him hack into a casino and then you walk away with the big bucks.

Why do I envision our hacker hearing your offer and saying, “Hmm…TWO cases of beer?!”

And stop trying to hack my hacker! I called dibs first.

When you’re done with your hacker, can I borrow him? There are some enemies of mine whose credit ratings I’d like to ruin.

I have donuts!

Oh my god! They’re hacking my firewall! I’ll have to break their encryption algorithm and reformat their database! types really fast Whew! They nearly logged my IP and brute-forced my protocols!

First, you’ll have to secure one of those computers with really big fonts.

… y’all don’t know a lot of IT folk, do you?

Hey dude! I got your choice of Mountain Dew, Coca Cola or Super-Sized Expreso!

Ugh why WHY am I having flashbacks to that horrible episode of NCIS where they were ‘tracking’ some ‘hacker’ who was killing people? It was full of technobabble that sounded good, but to anyone with any IT knowledge at all it was random buzzwords all thrown together.

you need someone who can say “come on!” and tap their foot impatiently while the hacker virus uploads and the badguys are approaching them with guns.

Uploading, 74% --------
“come on! come on!”
Uploading, 78% ---------
"come on! come on!
Uploading, 94% --------------**
“come on!!!”**
Uploading, 99% ----------------
(badguy rounds the corner. Computer seat is empty and slightly askew)


I supossed if you hit the hacker over the head he would instantly become unconscious, but you wouldnt have to worry, 'cause if you threw water on him he’d be OK again.

I remember reading a book by Robin Cook who writers medical thriller (His most famous was Coma)

Anyway in it he writes about some woman and their friend trying to break into a computer guy explains how this is traceable and in every turn this computer guy explains it well. So the girls get hired on there, and Mr Computer Guy informs them of what they need to do and how they’ll be traced. And I was impressed at how well he recognized how it wouldn’t work in real life. It was funny at the end the girls are done in because they steal a key card and don’t realize that the key card is, well traceable… LOL And it recorded all their movements.

If you have an iMac, you can hack into an alien’s spacecraft and upload a virus.

Forget your funny-looking guy, I want my hacker to look like Mary Lynn Rajskub. (Or Angelina Jolie.)

Just don’t forget that your modem must support v.Everything.