I haven’t looked for it yet, (just watching the all-Forensic-Files-all-the-time channel). I live on the west coast so it’s on tape delay for us anyhow.
My mother agreed to take care of my cat while I’m gone and clear all of my bottles and brewing stuff and such out of my house before I come back. She left me a copy of the AA book, which I’ve read some bits and pieces of. It’s worldview is obsolete and pre-scientific when it comes to how addiction works, and I’m certainly not interested in understanding God, but there’s some good stuff in there.
I agree, much in it could/should be updated. Yet much is spot on. AA saved my ass. I tried many other ways and could not stay sober. Now I attend meetings regularly, as an atheist who has faith that the fellowship of other drunks working to keep sober helps me do things I couldn’t otherwise do. I take what I can use and leave the rest.
And for me, spiritual principles mean I’m working to live closer to my ideals: More honest, more patient, more forgiving, more accepting, more charitable.
Lots of folks in the 12 step programs express views similar to mine.
Ditto what QtM said. Imagine how I feel reading the chapter on “wives.”:smack:
People in AA have really different takes on the official literature. Some quote it constantly, some rarely if ever read it. Part of the reason you can go to an AA meeting anywhere around the world and find more or less the same thing–just like McDonalds!–is that not much changes and nothing changes quickly. One of my meetings is currently undergoing a “group conscience” discussion regarding a relatively minor aspect of the meeting. For some months now we’ve talked about it every now and again, and I don’t expect a lot of action any time soon. It’s not a big deal, but because there are a few different views on the matter, we’re hoping to get closer to consensus.
Let me, too, join the chorus of way-to-goes. Before your seizure, when you were planning on detox and rehab, you had already made the first step to recovery: you started paying attention to your drinking. You were practicing “mindfulness”. That’s something, and not a small something, either.
How has your mother reacted? When you posted that you were worried about telling her because you had lied to her, I thought “She might be his greatest support.” If she was an addict, she knows how it works. She also knows that addicts lie about their addiction. I hope she, and your sister, can be a good support for you.
She was very understanding. She said she wished I’d told her sooner before I started losing control, since it’s a road she’s been down. I had planned to tell her tomorrow after talking to my GP about it, and it was a relief to finally tell her. I’d told her a few days ago I needed to see her to tell her about something important, and she told me today that she thought I was going to tell her I was gay or something.
She told me that, after I get out, to call her whenever I’m feeling tempted.
I’m glad your hand got forced in a way, especially since it hasn’t killed you! Best of luck and don’t hesitate to be in touch with all of us when things get hard, which of course they will. You can do this and the hardest part (deciding to do it) is over.
I didn’t have any significant hallucinations overnight (once I heard a voice tell me to go to sleep but that was it). At times my bed felt like it was swinging back and forth like a theme park ride, but the doctor says that can be a side effect of the Librium. The doctor is very optimistic and thinks I’m past the worst of the withdrawal. He’s going to arrange for me to see a psychiatrist and get in touch with some outpatient resources, and it’s looking like I’ll be discharged tomorrow at the latest.
Back at home now. Didn’t get a chance to see the psychiatrist today due to a backlog, but the doctor felt my CIWA scores were low enough and I’d been responding well enough to the Librium that I could continue the process at home. He gave me a prescription for Librium to last me through the next five days, and for Prozac as a preemptive measure until I have a chance to see a shrink.
The appointment I was supposed to have with my doctor today is happening tomorrow now. She’ll likely be referring me to a therapist, and I’m currently looking at starting outpatient rehab sessions at a center associated with the hospital I was in.
My mother was kind enough to swing by my house while I was in the hospital and get rid of all my alcohol and alcohol accessories. There’s nothing in here to tempt me right now, and the only thing I’m craving right now is a pepperoni pizza. (The hunger aspect of not drinking all that booze is really getting me today - I ate as much hospital food as they would allow me to order and I was still starving.) I could’ve stopped at the store on the way home and bought a six-pack. I didn’t. And I won’t tomorrow either. And when I go back to work tomorrow night, and get off, I won’t buy one then either.
Been reading some more of the AA book, in particular the “We Agnostics” chapter. I’m a strong atheist, and that’s not changing one way or another, but I think I can see how the “higher power” and “God as we understand Him” things aren’t necessarily incompatible with that. The author argues that without God life and existence is random and meaningless, and with that I emphatically disagree; the workings of the universe itself are a thing of unimaginable beauty, and while they may be indifferent and lacking any inherent purpose, it is through those powers that all things were made, that the human race was able to evolve, to learn to work together for the common good of all, and learn to crack the universe’s secrets, and that it became possible for the human race both to succumb to temptation and find a way to defeat it. To paraphrase Neil Armstrong man may be powerless to control his addiction, but mankind can achieve working together what no individual can. There’s your higher power; human unity.
Sounds like you have made an excellent start on your recovery. You’ll have some low days, but they’re nothing you can’t get through. And remember to take it easy on yourself - addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. You are not your addiction - you’re a lot bigger than it.
I only experienced it a few times myself. Only once did it actually have any words to it - it was a young woman’s voice saying “go back to sleep” into my right ear. It sounded like something that was actually in the room rather than just imagined, but as soon as I opened my eyes I was able to confirm there was nothing there.
The other times it was just a sound like a moan or a “c’maaaaah” or of a dog barking. In every instance it sounded like it was right next to me, as opposed to being in the distance or in another room.
A lot of people get hung up on the higher power thing. As an atheist/agnostic (depending on which day you catch me) I get it. I also, back before I wanted to quit drinking but was getting pressure from people to quit drinking, used it as an excuse.
The big book states ‘a higher power of your understanding’. For me that was biology. Biologically, I was built to be an addict. My body processes alcohol in such a way that if I drink, bad thing happen. Simple enough.
A phrase you will likely hear, assuming you go to A.A., is ‘Take what you need, leave the rest’. It is a handy piece of advice.
Tonight was my first night back at work since the seizure. And it felt great. I can’t remember the last time I went to work and wasn’t nursing a hangover - I was in a much better mood, I was much more productive, and I didn’t have to keep chugging Alka-Seltzer and Mountain Dew to keep myself going. Dunno if the Prozac is doing its thing yet (I’m told it takes awhile to really kick in), but I felt a lot more upbeat and optimistic than I normally do. Stocked up on fruit juice so I have something to sip on at home while I’m doing the stuff I would normally have been drinking during. Just as a precaution, I told the clerk at the customer service desk not to sell me any alcohol if I try and fall off the wagon.
Saw my doctor yesterday - she sent a referral for me to a local outpatient treatment facility, and I’m supposed to give them a call if they don’t call me by tomorrow. I’ve been looking at the local listings for AA meetings, figuring I may as well pop into one and give it a try, but the names of the different kinds of meetings all seem like they’re in a foreign language and the site doesn’t make any effort to explain what the various terms and abbreviations mean. I’m seeing a couple with “agnostics” in the name that sound like they might be up my alley in terms of the “not getting all Jesus-y about it” area, but aside from that I don’t know, so I suppose I may just poke my head into one on my next day off and see how it goes.
And another thing - nobody warned me how hungry I was going to be. I guess it makes sense - I must have been taking in about 2000-2500 calories a day from the alcohol I’ve been drinking, and now I can’t seem to eat enough to stay full. I figure going heavy on carbs ought to help fill the void while my body learns to adjust.
I think on the bottom of the page there is a big legend as to what the symbols mean.
Since you’re a fan of the message boards (Being on this one and all) I wrote an article for work on Reddit’s Stop Drinking page. It’s the same basic thing that you’ll find here (encouragement, a place for you to check-in, etc.) but it’s literally geared towards recovery.
