I want to write a romance novel

Cafe Society
1

But don’t actually want to have to read one first. A while back I found Lester Dent’s guide to writing adventure stories (although I can’t find the link now dammit). It was as paint-by-numbers as you can get: X words of this, then X words of this and finally in the final X words, these things have to happen.

Is there something like that for romance novels? The stories I read in the back of Cosmopolitan couldn’t have taken more than an hour to write and I doubt if the rest of the novel took the rest of the weekend. Given that these damn things* are 50% of book sales (or so I read), I figure there’s a) a need for more and b) good cash money for anyone who can knock them out as fast as Walter Gibson or Don Pendelton.

  • I don’t mean to say that romance novels are entirely without literary merit - again, I’ve never read one - but something so obsessively marketed towards dumpy housewives and middle-aged lonelyhearts doesn’t seem like there’s a premium on quality.
2

I’ve read a few several years back, and the basic formula as I recall it seemed to be:

Lead female character is self-assured and successful in her career, but is unfulfilled personally. She may have a love interest in her life but if she does he is probably weak.

Lead male character is the LFC’s inferior in some way that matters to her and society but not to him. He works with his hands, or makes less money than she does. He’s the “wrong choice” who turns out to be the right choice for her, society be damned.

Secondary male character, may be a love interest already in her life (see above) or may be a competing love interest who arrives at the same time as the LMC. He has some power over the LMC (i.e., he owns the company that’s hired LMC as an artist to paint a mural in the headquarters, or he owns the house that LMC’s been hired to renovate).

LMC and LFC should initially meet away from their common sphere and then meet again at the instigation of SMC. At some point they need to have sex (at least twice), LFC needs to be all conflicted and torn between LMC and SMC, SMC needs to find out about the sex and screw over LMC (probably by firing him) and LFC needs to see that act of pettiness and ralize LMC was the right man for her all along.

3

In addition to Otto’s excellent summary, may I also suggest that LFC’s ex-husband/boyfriend appear. During a moment when LFC is conflicted about her budding relationship with LMC, she has sex with recently-returned XH (the sex was always good; they’d broken up over other reasons, possibly because XH couldn’t tend to LFC’s emotional needs or he was irresponsible or some other failing). Compared to XH, LMC starts to look pretty damn good, especially when it’s revealed that XH only reconnected with LFC because his latest 20 year-old chippie just abandoned him. In contrast to XH’s boorishness (but try to keep this subtle, or else there is no real emotional cost to LFC dumping him), LMC is quirky but funny, stable but not boring. XH was a bad boy, but part of leaving him behind forever in favour of LMC is part of LFC’s emotional maturing.
Now excuse me while I clean the vomit off my keyboard.

4

Many people believe this, and as I’m sure you’re going to discover if you actually attempt this, they are all wrong.

5

The one area I am possibly an expert in and it will not be coherent. I blame society.
With all due respect to our learned Otto, in the some 20+ years of turning my brain to utter and complete slush by reading romance pert boobies! novels I have never read a story about a guy tumescent manhood! who made less money than her. The subliminal message of *every * romance book is to Marry Up, even when his pockets are to let.

Unless naturally, she was an heiress and his dead father squandered the family coffers and bankrupted the estate…but there was the last ditch effort ( selling a favorite horse or family jewels…-not those family jewels - ) investing in a risky upstart shipping company …that in the end of the book…will always come into port despite months of NO NEWS.

Mind you, my mind has been in the gutter with Regencies for the last decade, I have eschewed Westerns and Civil war (the north wins but the stories are always in the south. I hate that!) and I cannot tolerate anything set in Scotland because o’ da’ burr, lassie! Give me Regencies, Contemporaries, Paranormal or Time Travel. I want the utterly impossible, just like my life!

Contemporary stories are usually one of the following:

1.Billionaire Man falls in love with some hairdresser from Akron. He is surly. She is perky. Somehow it all works out in the end and he can’t live without her quaintness.

  1. Same story as above, but it involves a Sheik and some hot chix from TX. She’s probably a librarian. (TX is a huge state for Romances to be set in. I have no idea why.)

  2. All the female characters in contemporary stories are either bookstore owners, florists, librarians, hair dressers or school teachers. Nothing that could complicate the plot too much. The men are all fabulously good looking, well hung, richer than Croesus or Bill Gates and command world respect. And they are interested in some chickie from Des Moines. HAH! How can anyone resist? I mean, really?

Romance Novels have evolved considerably over the last 40 years. Really.

The men’s careers are usually whatever is the hot sector on the TV and Silver Screen. Spy, solider, Private Eye, Investment banker, tycoon. And of course, the ever favorite, military guy.

The women have evolved from completely and utterly co-dependant flakes. Perky and beautiful, but flakes none the less. The I might be fiesty, but I really need a man to tell me what to do!* to I have an opinion and I have faults and so do you…lets work them out and have some sex while we are at it.

I picked up an older romance novel of someone really famous whose works that are out now that I like ( which I cannot remember.) this book was written in the early 80’s and the amount of verbage written for how well the hero drove the car ( and it wasn’t an escape-chase scene, it was just, y’know, driving.) and how masculine his hands were…made me want to puke. Then I realized it was the heroines car. Well, hell, suddenly with a dick around she is incapable of driving. GAH! The rest of the book wasn’t nearly so sexist and retarded, but it shows you just how quietly things change.

I had the opportunity (and a dime) to purchase a wad of Harlequins that were printed in the 60’s (of which after they were read, were doled out during one of the SD White Elephant Exchanges. Just sharin’ the love) and those books …holy shit…the women could barely make a decision for themselves. it was interesting and scary in an anthropological kinda way.

As a reader and a writer ( unpublished, but Baker likes the 3/4 of a story I set her so that’s gotta rate!) of this genre all I have to say is what Epictus said a long time ago: If you wish to be a writer, write. But, shirley’s amendment to that is, If you wish to be a good writer, you must read.

If you ever want suggestions in authors, may I humbly suggest The top 100 romance books as a starting point. The list is about 8 years old and there are some fantastic books written since then, but once I found this list it changed me from being an inactive reader to active one.
I hope this made sense, my kids are badgering me…

6

If you haven’t read romance novels, and you don’t love the genre, it’s extremely unlikely that anything you write will be publishable. They still say “write what you know,” and if you don’t know romance, you aren’t going to be able to write it successfully.

You can learn the formula, but you’d just be writing a formula, without the love of the genre that will make your work rise above the crap. (And if you think romance novels are crap, remember: many, many worse romance have been submitted and never saw the light of day.) Even worse, you’ll just be reinventing the wheel: writing weak versions of stories that better authors have already published.

It’s sort of like saying, “I never watched or played a game of baseball and don’t want to start now, but I think I can play in the major leagues.” Not bloodly likely.

Spend six months to a year reading nothing but romance novels before you try to write anything.

7

I challenge you to try this. The plot and characters are not so hard to come up with. It is opening strong and engaging the reader in the first paragraph, writing and setting the scenes, establishing and resolving conflict and naturally, having a happily ever after that makes the reader want to buy your next book.

8

Shirley’s got the right of it.

Generally, the men are rich and successful or, if not, they are sorely misunderstood and a rake.

Sometimes all of the above.

The woman will have some crazy idea about love/sex/marriage/children/money/good works that the man will sneer at. Later one of the pair will decide the other was absolutely right the whole time!

The men are generally tall, dark, and handsome. If you can make him a duke, so much the better. :smiley:

9

You have to use phrases like “heaving bosom” and “throbbing manhood”. The man and woman will never just get it on: there has to be a long scene beforehand full of touches heavily laden with meaning and dithering on the woman’s part as to whether he likes her(he does) and if its a good idea that they have sex(its depends, but they’re going to anyway). When you actually get to the sex, it will be hot and steamy and the best they’ve ever had, complete with multiple simultaneous orgasms.

10

I will certainly bow to the greater knowledge and experience of Shirley, but I know at least one of the books I read featured the heroine dumping the wealthy asshole for the poorer but in all other ways superior guy. Maybe it’s not so common as to be a viable formula but it does happen.

11

And if I don’t find out how the story of Hanna and Joseph ends I’m gonna haunt you!

12

You are officially in deep doo doo with the Romance Writers of America. They will send a squad of enforcers over to your house, and you will wind up having a throbbing bosom and a heaving manhood.

Seriously, they don’t write 'em like this any more. The romance field is carefully and precisely cut up into tiny segments of reader interest, with far more subcategories of publishing than either f&sf or mysteries. Looking through a copy of the Romance Writers Report, I see the following: contemporary, historical, chick lit, inspirational, romantic elements, P/TT/F, RS, Regency, erotica/spicy, women’s fiction.

The Harlequin (H) empire - which includes Mills and Boon (M&B) as well as Silhouette (S) - includes the following lines: H. Books; H. Superromance; H. American; H. Intrigue; H. Next; M&B Medical; M&B Tender; M&B Modern; M&B Temptation; M&B Historical Romance; S. Romance; S. Desire; S. Special Edition; S. Intimate Moments; S. Bombshell; and also Steeple Hill Love Inspired and Love Inspired Suspense.

Each one of these has its own audience, its own rules, its own level of sexuality.

There’s no such thing as a “romance novel.” Those days are long gone.

“Throbbing bosoms.” Try pulling the equivalent of that one in a Star Wars or Harry Potter thread and see how long you last. :smiley:

13

And I meant most of the scorn to go to Chairman Pow, BTW. I just couldn’t help myself when I read Typically Sunday’s line.

14

Just wanted to add my two cents:

Not too long ago I (an amateur writer with high hopes and little motivation) concluded something similar to the OP.

My intention was to pound out a romance novel or three (in my defense, I have been told by more than one female that I should, though that is hardly sound career advice), figuring that at least one of them should be publishable under a pseudonym, thus enabling me to get a foot in the door so I could then write the novels I wanted to write for a living.

As I am not yet wealthy or a professional author, as you might deduce, I was not successful in my original plan. It’s harder than it looks.

15

A line that begs for horrible, though apt, comment…

Nah. Too easy.

There are romances and romances. The cheesy glut in romances is not completely unlike any other penny-dreadful publishing spasm. Many of the lines are notoriously ‘easy’ for eager newcomers, especially since Harlequin et. al. made such an industry of it. Unfortunately, the crank-it-out market never paid muich even before the dams broke. A few savvy, inspired, hardworking writers used it as a gateway to much bigger–and sometimes even better–things.

The formulaic, almost over-the-transom, romance market isn’t an entree to riches. If the earnest, fanatic homegrown competion doesn’t kill ya, the draconian contracts will.

Unless you can invent a fuzzier, warmer, hornier mouse, don’t bother.

16

I have to agree with **Veb **. I’ve read a couple of historical romances (cloistered girl leads a secret life as a female pirate to avenge her family, and ends up falling in love with the rogue who ruined her father…lots and lots of references to salt spume) but to make a meaty romance, you need a twist.

The Outlander by Diana Gabaldon is an excellent example. I’ve seen this book in bookstores and libraries filed under both romance and science fiction, because it comtains elements of both. There’s lots of detail about the lovemaking, but there’s a lot of humor thrown in, so much so I’ve had to put the book down because I was laughing so hard I was crying. Also, I’ve had to put the book down because I was crying so hard.

But if you want to try your hand at cheese, go for it. It might be fun to see how it turns out. If I can throw in one recommendation, LFC has to hate LMC on sight, before she “gets to know him” and “learns the truth about his past” while “realizing her own shortcomings that ultimately lead her down the correct road.”

17

Ooooooooooh, maybe I’ve missed those books, Otto. I’d love to read them.

Throbbing bosoms Band Name!

18

You need The Romance Writers’ Phrase Book by Jean Kent and Candance Sheton.

I haven’t actually written anything other than a few unpublished short stories and lots of regionally published parenting articles but I did find the book at a garage sale a few years ago and have been quite amused by it since.

The book contains phrases like, “all her loneliness and confusion welded together in one upsurge of devouring yearning” and “she dropped her lashes quickly to hide the hurt.”

Very funny stuff.

19

Gays, and lesbians. OTTOMH, I can’t remember the names of the companies involved in these. I was upset that somebody had already done a series or romance novels based on the Universal Studios Monsters. I kid you not, ----- The Darker Passions (just insert Dracula, Frankenstein, etc in the blank.)

20

I think we need to do a SDMB communal Romance novel. :slight_smile:

I’ll start:

                               "Driven By Desire"

by a whole bunch of Dopers (I hope.)
Tawny glared at the BMW in front of her. “Come on, come on,” she muttered, checking her watch for the fourth time. If she wasn’t back at the shop in twelve more minutes… What kind of a moron needs ten minutes to place an order at Joe’s Burger Shack? What the hell was that driver doing? Ordering for an army? Eleven minutes left. She couldn’t afford to lose another job, not now!

The silver car sat there, smugly blocking the drive thru lane. And sat there. Nine minutes left. Okay, I give up, no lunch for me today, Tawny thought. She looked behind her at the growing line of cars and realized she was trapped. Until the moron in the BMW moved on she couldn’t even leave. And the BMW remained stubbornly motionless…

Frustrated beyond bearing, Tawny did something she’d never done before. She honked her horn. Not just once or twice. Not polite little beeps. She slammed her clenched fist onto the button and held it there, the blaring of the horn substituting for the scream of rage she really wanted to utter.

Then the door of the BMW swung open, and the driver got out and started towards her. Tawny froze, forgetting even to take her fist off the horn. The driver was tall and broadshouldered and might have been good looking except that his face was twisted into a scowl.

He reached her car, and swiftly bent down to thrust his head close to her open window. Through gritted teeth he said, …

Next?