I went outside for a smoke break and found a thick fuzzy woolly worm crawling up the wall.
“You know, I once dated a guy who had a mustache just like that,” I remarked to my fellow smokers.
Being rather fond of cute fuzzy harmless insects, I plucked it off the wall and watched as he climbed up my finger. He began frantically chomping away at my skin with his cute little mandibles, and I chuckled. “You can try to bite me all you want, you’re not going to get anywhere!” I said.
Declaritive statements have always been my enemy.
He struck home right at the base of my cuticle. “Ow, you little fucker!” I cried, flinging him to the ground.
“What happened?” asked a smoking bystander.
“I think he got somewhere,” answered another.
“Ew, he spit on me, too!” I said.
I’ve learned something from the experience. One, it’s going to be a hard winter - that caterpillar was fuzzy. Two, things that are cute and fuzzy turn un-cute real damn quick when they attack. Three, Mothra started life as a woolly worm in mid-Missouri, because this evil creature is clearly one of her descendants, and when he someday emerges from his chrysalis he’ll be 60 feet wide and will probably find me and flap his wings and blow me and my house all the way to Peoria in revenge for placing him back on the bottom of the wall after he’d already climbed halfway up it.
I once looked out my front room window and saw literally thousands of lady bugs swarming around. I went outside and sat down on the step and instantly I had dozens of them all over me. I thought it was so cool and sat there with a stupid, giant smile on my face.
Then they started biting me! I had no idea lady bugs could bite! By this time I had them in my hair and down my shirt collar. It was bloody hard to get them off of me. Eventually I ran inside and had my (then) husband help me pick them off.
You were probably attacked by Asian Beetles (Harmonia axyridis), since ladybugs (genus Coccinella) do not, as far as I know, bite or swarm in large numbers.
Last week, our daughter, aged 17 months, was staying at my mother-in-law’s house for the day. While in her backyard, they found a woolly bear caterpillar crawling along. Well, my daughter was fascinated by it and kept petting it gently, calling it “worm”.
Later that day, when they went outside again, the caterpillar was gone. My daughter looked around for it, shrugging and asking, “Where worm?” And then, she started calling for it, in a “Lassie Come Home” kinda way. “WOOOO-oooooorrmmm! WOOOOOO-ooorrrrmmm!” Like it was going to come bounding over to her or something.
She repeated the performance for us when we got home. I almost died from the cuteness.
I saw a large katydid in a parking lot, and called some friends’ children over to see. I put my hand down and let it climb up on me so they could see it more closely, and one of the children said, “Whoa. Do they bite?” I honestly didn’t know, but said, “I don’t think so, I think they… OW! Hey! OUCH!”
Yes. Yes they do bite. Wikipedia claims that while larger ones may deliver a painful bite or pinch, they seldom break the skin. This one not only broke the skin, but drew blood.
When I was a young-un I learned the hard way that I am allergic to wooly bears. I let one crawl all over my hands and arms. It was really cool untill the hives started popping up.
If it wasn’t, I don’t want to know about it. Seriously. I can’t hear you! LALALALALALALALA…
As I was coming in tonight one of the smokers outside the door called out, “Hey, better watch it, that caterpillar’s around here somewhere!” So apparently my status here at work has been upgraded from “new girl” to “that chick that got bit by the caterpillar.”
I encountered a bunch of the cutest hornets a couple days ago! They dive-bombed me, followed me into the house to keep stinging me and then chased me upstairs into the bathroom. Still somewhat swollen and itchy.
Hostile bugs must DIE DIE DIE.
I have also decided that praying mantises are not at all cute. The look they give you as they swivel their heads to check you out says “Hmmm…if I can pull this off, I’ll live like a king.”
