Aside from all of the normal reasons for why I could never be president (too liberal, too impatient to put up with stupid bullshit about American flag pins, too atheist, too female), I recently discovered another.
I had to get a new driver’s license, so I dug into ye olde file folder and found the copy of my birth certificate that proves I’m a US citizen.
…OR DOES IT?
That’s right, I have a Certificate of Live Birth! I do not have a birth certificate!
oh em gee. I wrote to my parents and demanded to know if I was actually born in Kenya instead of California, as I had always previously believed. They said no. They are, of course, obviously lying.
Thanks a lot, mom and dad. There go my presidential dreams.
Luckily, I have a picture of when I was born that shows the address of the hospital and the doctor delivering me has two sets of ID on his coat, and I reached out and touched the camera lens with my hand so a bloody fingerprint is also visible on the picture to prove it was me, and there was a reporter for the daily newspaper waiting in the hallway and you can see the date on the newspaper he is reading.
Don’t let that stop you! Of course you can be president. Once you’re the nominee and the party takes you under their wing, a decent forgery will be whipped up in no time. Look at our current president, a majority of the sheeple bought into it, and somehow managed to sweep his Kenyan birth under the rug. The same can be done for anyone, and no one will be the wiser.
No one, that is, except for a select few wise men on the internet. You’ll have to watch out for them. Only they will know the truth, and see through the deceit. Through the power of blogging and typing in CAPS and misspelled protest signs, they are the only ones who can stop you.
Funny you should mention that…the picture was printed by a drug store that went out of business seconds after my picture was dropped off to them, and they stamp every picture with a code that proves it could only have been developed at that drug store and nowhere else. The company that made the paper that the picture was printed on stopped making that type of paper as well, coincidentally, at the exact same moment the drug store went out of business. And then, I happened to use that picture as a sample during a workshop on carbon dating and the picture and I are exactly the same age. I guess the company had to stop making that paper because they used radium as part of the developing process or something. And then, during bankruptcy hearings, the owner of the drugstore mentioned my picture so there’s a record of that as well.
Luckily I was born on the floor of the House of Representatives in the U.S. Capitol during the State of the Union address in full view of the President and his executive staff, both Houses of Congress, and the assembled Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States.
Or you could just get a million dollars and hide it like Obama! I would suggest hiding it with the WMDs. Those apparently exist but can never be found so your birth certificate issue would be golden.
FYI - in California they used to default to providing the Cert of Live Birth and NOT a Birth Certificate. You have to ask for the full Birth Certificate. We discovered that the Cert of Live Birth is insufficient to register your kid for Little League, nor can you use it to get a passport.
They’re just trying to keep out the Zombie Little Leaguers. You get too many on a team and you can’t hit for power. They can bunt okay, but they can’t run it out.
What, really? It’s been awhile since I got my first passport (I’ve gotten subsequent passports with the previous ones) but I definitely had to make a last minute trip to San Francisco because I couldn’t find it when I was applying to get it. IIRC, I didn’t do anything different in getting the copy that I used to get my passport than I did in getting the one I have now. I would have sworn it was just the same. This would have been in 1997 or 1998, I guess.
(I’ve moved like eight times in the last ten years and I keep losing birth certificates and having to get new ones.)
I just last month got a passport for my baby son, using his California Certificate of Live Birth, which was the only form of birth certificate I have. (He was born in December 2009.) It was accepted, no problem.
I know you guys think you are kidding, but I was in the supermarket the other day and the Globe had a big headline with proof that Obama was born in Kenya - they have a photo of his Kenyan birth certificate.
The mainstream media may be ignoring the story, but I expected my fellow Dopers to go by the FACTS and EVIDENCE.
One of the people commenting at the Globe site says:
How is he getting away with this? Even Scotland Yard knows the truth!
For years I and my parents thought the piece of paper I had called a “certification of birth registration” was my birth certificate. Every official I ever showed it to in New York accepted it as my birth certificate. Then I moved to West Virginia when I was about 25. When I went to get my WV driver’s license, they wouldn’t accept it as being a birth certificate. Luckily the village clerk of the place I was born sent me something called a “certification of birth” for $5 with surprisingly little fuss. So little fuss, in fact, that I’ve often wondered how many other people ordered certified copies of my birth certificate for $5. But I can’t complain. If they hadn’t sent it to me, I probably would have been deported years ago.
It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? Since our births are a matter of public record, there’s really nothing to stop anyone from getting a hold of all of those records. To see my birth certificate, all you need is $14 and a stamp*. (Fortunately for me, apparently the San Francisco Department of Public Health won’t issue a certified copy intended for proof of ID without a notarized signature. That should stop anyone who wants to steal my identity!)
*Okay, and a lot of personal information about me and my parents.