Now, before you all start chiming in with your smartass comments like, “But m’lord, you are a lower form of life!”, let me explain.
I was watching something on the Discovery channel the other night about the mating habits of some species of deep sea fish. The female wants to mate, so she waves her dorsal fin. The male sees this, and reciprocates. She waves it one more time, and the male goes to work.
Why do human mating habits have to be so much more complicated? Why do we have these stupid things like the Three Day Rule? Can’t things just be simpler?
Actually, a lot of animal mating rituals are just as stoopid as human rituals. Probably the sparrow that sits in a tree chirping loudly all Spring is thinking, “Sheesh, this is idiotic. Couldn’t I just post a personal ad?”. Certain female fireflies mimic the flashing of other species so that when a horny male shows up, it’s dinner time. Birds such as peacocks carry useless and heavy displays of plumage that consume energy and make it difficult for them to elude predators. Salmon have to fight their way upstream for miles and miles past dams, rapids, and hungry grizzlies in order to mate. And then they die.
None of which is to say that I haven’t often envied the simplicity of the amoeba’s reproductive life.
You’ve never heard of the Three Day Rule, World Eater?
Apparently when you get a girl’s number, you call her three days later. Too soon, you look too desperate. Too much later, you look like you’re just looking to get laid and are therefore an asshole.
Oh I wish I was a lower form of life,
I wish I was a lower form of life,
Just a happy little fella
Giving syphilis and rubella,
Oh I wish I was a lower form of life.
I always thought it would be nice if evolution put some LEDs on our foreheads that lit up when we were attracted to the person we were talking to. Or dorsal fins, whatever.
I always thought it would be nice if evolution put some LEDs on our foreheads that lit up when we were attracted to the person we were talking to. Or dorsal fins, whatever.
If a guy waited three days to call me, I’d figure he’d been trying to date somebody else first and I was the back-up plan. Don’t put too much stock in rules.
