I wish to live off the government dole. Tell me how

Lost my job today (trust me, it’s quite OK), so I decided a lifestyle change is in order. Having been told all my life by conservatives like my grandparents, Rush Limbaugh, Reagan, etc, that there are people who are literally paid to not work in America, I have decided my next career path is to be one of those people, someone who lives off of “welfare”.

I have been told by many of the Boards conservatives as well that this is possible, not just in my Nahployment thread, but throughout the years here. Posters such as @octopus, @Jasmine, @D_Anconia, @UltraVires, @eenerms and other have asserted this is true, hell, even my grandmother would look at disdain those people who lived off of welfare (as she called it) and would preach the Gospel of Self-Reliance, telling me the last thing I ever wanted to do was to live off of hard-working taxpayers.

And, like a fool, I believed her.

Anyway, my needs are relatively minimal - I have a small mortgage, live by myself, if I just want to exist and not grow any assets, I can get by on $2.5-3k/month pre-tax. I just want the government* to pay my mortgage, handle my utilities, health insurance, and buy me food. I’ll take care of the rest.

Now, here’s the situation:

  1. I’m fully able-bodied
  2. Not collecting unemployment. But that’s irrelevant, right? UE runs out, I’m looking for some of that sweet, sweet, permanent welfare. I don’t want to get a job just so I can get fired from it, I want to just not work and get paid for just not working, like I was told millions of people do here in America.
  3. Nowhere near old enough for social security (he too-loudly asserts).
  4. Live in Texas. I’m sure you can find a way with our overly generous social safety net
  5. I do not want to lose my house.

I will be willing to move. You have to explain how I can receive enough from the government teat so I can afford the same relative standard of living - if I move from TX to CA, I’ll still want a 1,500 sf ranch house just for me, all paid for by “welfare”, for example.

Guys, I gotta tell you, I’m excited! This new pathway has come about from a lot of reflection and introspection about where I am and what I’ve done, and I’ve decided that I just want to kick back and catch up on all the TV I’ve missed over the past 30 years. Do you know I’ve never even seen an episode of Deadpool? Or The Big Bang Theory? In many ways, I’ve been working since the age of 4, 50 years now, and I am so looking forward to finally completing at least one game on my Wii, I am almost shaking with excitement.

So, please, conservatives, help me: I wish to live off the government dole. Tell me how. Make this happen for me. And non-conservatives, I’m sure you are welfare masters yourself, let me in on your secrets, your tricks of the trade, and maybe, possibly, I’ll be able to finish season 6.B of The Sopranos.

Thank you,


*I don’t care which government. Hell, if the Department of Transportation of the State of Idaho wants to pay my mortgage, who am I to stop them? Just tell me how.

What a complete mess of a post.

Deadpool is a movie franchise, not a TV show.


LOL, you’re right, I meant Deadwood. Dammit.

If there were a way to get that kind of money from the gov’t, I’d join you.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re probably going to have to sell at least one of your Ferraris.

Marry me and when you’re 66 you can get half of my Social Security. Shoot, you’d bring down almost $467 a month with one simple ceremony.

I didn’t think so.

Let me down easy. This is the first time I’ve proposed to anyone.

Pshaw! Everyone knows “Welfare Cheats” drive Cadillacs!

Seriously, SSI will pay you around $800 a month, virtually forever,. If you don’t qualify for Social Security. The house might be a catch, but it might work to transfer it to a family member. Apply for disability, and convince them that you fall in that gray area between too crazy to work but not in need of institutionalization.

I know several people who have been on SSI for decades.

That just shows how much working has kept you out of touch with popular culture and deprived you. :wink:

Well, you could run for office. But then you would have to do some work.

Sell the house for starters. Any comfy bridges close by that you could sleep under? Perhaps you could sell the house, buy a van, sleep in the van. Then you’d only have gas to pay for. Maybe a cheap BBQ for cooking, a small fridge running off a generator or maybe the van.

Did you read this?

I know a number of people, including family members, acquaintances, and neighbors, who are on SSDI. None are disabled. They don’t get much money from it, but they also work side jobs and under-the-table work to being in more money.

Obviously not. But that’s the rub. People scraping by on the bare minimum don’t have mortgages. They often have never been in a position to be able to have a house. In a way it is easier to live on little money if you have always lived that way.

This government Dole is almost 100 years old. Go to Kansas and see if you can live off of him.

Being a complete ignorant about US and particularly Texas’ law I cannot give any advise, but I sure wish you success in your endeavour. Whatever the conservatives yell I am sure your country is rich enough to be able to afford your modest necessities, just like mine is able to pay for those refugees.
Good luck!

I’d suggest you have a kid. When we had out first kid we were both unemployed (technically working unpaid at my first start up) we got Medicare, WIC and food stamps. Since we had previously been wealthy we had a chest freezer so we could go to Costco once a month a spend out foodstamps on meat the rest of the money we spent on vegetables and starch at the local grocery store.

Honestly, it was a pretty good life our unemployment paid for gas, internet, and the mortgage on our condo and we ate well and had steak most nights. We had to apply for jobs each week but no one was hiring in the oil field or mining so applying was easy and there was 0 chance of landing a job. After ~6 months we landed and job and moved on so not forever.

On the other hand I’ve read that being long term unemployable can qualify you for SSDI so that would probably be your transition long term. I’d owned that condo for a while so our mortgage was only $600 per month and we had both of our cars repossessed but we were able to buy a new car with cash from out savings.

you can either have a child while living in poverty, or adopt a bunch of foster children. that’ll get you some money.

If you can be declared disabled that’ll help too.

Those seem to be the two main paths to perpetual welfare. have a child while poor (or adopt foster kids), or be declared disabled.

You could also become a defense contractor.

You should have read the handbook on being poor.

Step one is, sell all assets of value, cars, boats, houses, summer homes, investments, etc, to hang on to ‘normal’ as long as you possibly can.

Until you complete step one you will not be qualified for any relief for the ‘poor’.