Lost my job today (trust me, it’s quite OK), so I decided a lifestyle change is in order. Having been told all my life by conservatives like my grandparents, Rush Limbaugh, Reagan, etc, that there are people who are literally paid to not work in America, I have decided my next career path is to be one of those people, someone who lives off of “welfare”.
I have been told by many of the Boards conservatives as well that this is possible, not just in my Nahployment thread, but throughout the years here. Posters such as @octopus, @Jasmine, @D_Anconia, @UltraVires, @eenerms and other have asserted this is true, hell, even my grandmother would look at disdain those people who lived off of welfare (as she called it) and would preach the Gospel of Self-Reliance, telling me the last thing I ever wanted to do was to live off of hard-working taxpayers.
And, like a fool, I believed her.
Anyway, my needs are relatively minimal - I have a small mortgage, live by myself, if I just want to exist and not grow any assets, I can get by on $2.5-3k/month pre-tax. I just want the government* to pay my mortgage, handle my utilities, health insurance, and buy me food. I’ll take care of the rest.
Now, here’s the situation:
- I’m fully able-bodied
- Not collecting unemployment. But that’s irrelevant, right? UE runs out, I’m looking for some of that sweet, sweet, permanent welfare. I don’t want to get a job just so I can get fired from it, I want to just not work and get paid for just not working, like I was told millions of people do here in America.
- Nowhere near old enough for social security (he too-loudly asserts).
- Live in Texas. I’m sure you can find a way with our overly generous social safety net
- I do not want to lose my house.
I will be willing to move. You have to explain how I can receive enough from the government teat so I can afford the same relative standard of living - if I move from TX to CA, I’ll still want a 1,500 sf ranch house just for me, all paid for by “welfare”, for example.
Guys, I gotta tell you, I’m excited! This new pathway has come about from a lot of reflection and introspection about where I am and what I’ve done, and I’ve decided that I just want to kick back and catch up on all the TV I’ve missed over the past 30 years. Do you know I’ve never even seen an episode of Deadpool? Or The Big Bang Theory? In many ways, I’ve been working since the age of 4, 50 years now, and I am so looking forward to finally completing at least one game on my Wii, I am almost shaking with excitement.
So, please, conservatives, help me: I wish to live off the government dole. Tell me how. Make this happen for me. And non-conservatives, I’m sure you are welfare masters yourself, let me in on your secrets, your tricks of the trade, and maybe, possibly, I’ll be able to finish season 6.B of The Sopranos.
*I don’t care which government. Hell, if the Department of Transportation of the State of Idaho wants to pay my mortgage, who am I to stop them? Just tell me how.