My firm opinion on ice is: it depends.
I’m mostly fine with room temperature drinks. Except at my mom’s - her ice maker and well water make the perfect ice for iced tea, and I don’t know why. It’s not perfect for soda or lemonade or whatever, but it’s perfect in sweetened iced tea, which I basically only drink at my mom’s. And there’s a local convenience store chain that has what they call “chewy ice,” which is small pellets of extruded cylindrical ice that must be aerated during the freezing process. If I ever win the lottery, my first luxury purchase will be one of their machines.
Meanwhile, I need to ice all of my creaky joints this evening, because I just spent the day moving the second to last and LAST SOFA MY MOTHER IS EVER ALLOWED TO BUY! The boy was supposed to help, but forgot. No worries - Ma and I have moved plenty of furniture together, albeit when both of us were younger. So I bring my truck, hitch up the flatbed trailer* **, and it’s no big deal to move the (1972, gold velvet sofa from the living room to the trailer. Ma doesn’t like ratchet straps, so she ties it down with cotton rope. Not ideal, but it’s not a huge issue. We take it to town and deliver it to The Boy’s frat house, where the 1972 sofa will probably live out its days.
Get to the sto’ with the new sofa. The feller there was slow, and not very adept at spatial relationships, so we basically told him how to load. (For liability reasons, he couldn’t just borrow me his hand truck.) He still managed to get sort of backwards, but it was all manageable. “No, thanks, we’ll do the tie-down. 'preshiate it.” Followed quickly by “No Mama, we aren’t driving 20 miles of bad roads*** with that behemoth tied down with cotton thread. I have good ratchet straps, and enough logging chain to put you in the back until we get to your house. Hold that S hook and shut up.”
Made it safely to the homestead. At which point my mom grabbed a yardstick and said “hang on, let me measure this.” That’s seriously a bad sign, you know? The narrowest bit of the furniture was 34.5 inches horizontally, and 37" vertically. No big deal for the door onto the porch. Big annoying deal for the 32" door into the house.
We made it work after I explained - forcefully - to my dad that he needed to GTF out of the way and shut up. Bless him, I think he means well, but he’s BLIND blind (as in zero vision in one eye = no depth perception, and 20% in the other,) plus has heart muscle damage that means his lower legs have terrible circulation, plus he’s always been constitutionally incapable of thinking his way through a barrier versus just getting a bigger hammer. And he feels helpless, because he really is, and belligerent, because he is****.
So I yelled at the man. I’m not proud of it, but my exact words were “get your ass back to your recliner and get out of my way.” And Ma and I managed. But I told her to enjoy her last sofa, because that sumbitch will come out with a chain saw if I have to do it. I don’t mind doing, but don’t make it harder on everyone, you know? Measure the sofa first! I’m fifty and Ma is 70, and she has watched me disassemble a bleeping sofa 25 years ago when we had a Long Dark Teatime of the Soul moment with her sofa. I did it with a screwdriver then, but I’ll use a chainsaw the next time.
I’ve decided to have a therapeutic drink tonight, while I ice my poor shoulders******.
- Bless him, my dad didn’t think I could look at a weather forecast, so he was certain that the open trailer wouldn’t work for moving upholstered furniture on an 80° F day with a zero% chance of rain, as though tarps don’t exist. Knowing that Number One Grandson has my furniture trailer for his band, Dad wanted the kid to empty that equipment and use my/his trailer. I had to sort of lie and tell Dad that the closed hauler belongs to someone else now. Technically it does. It belongs to the band - an incorporated entity. Never mind that I hold the lien. I wasn’t going to ask the kid to spend his day off emptying the trailer, moving furniture, refilling the trailer, and skipping homework.
** Hitched to my dad’s trailer. The hitch lock wouldn’t engage. Jacked it back up, crawled under the tongue. There’s at least two broken welds, allowing two parts of the lock to spin. I asked. “Oh, I couldn’t make it lock, so I just used the smaller ball.”
***Nestor came through this weekend. Lots of welcome rain. But the dirt roads are awful, and Ma and I live on dirt roads. Dumping several inches of water on very dry red clay topped with a sand layer is just plain ugly.
**** Not denigrating my stepdad. He has his areas of expertise that I can’t approach. But furniture moving isn’t one of those areas.
***** If my shoulders feel like this, I hope Mama has two wine coolers tonight. We have some hereditary bullshit will shoulders and collarbones, and if mine feel like this at fifty, I don’t want to think about 70. I’ll just be a crazy perpetual drunk. Seriously.