Ideas For The Next Bond Film

Cafe Society
1

Can’t find the site at the moment, but rumor has it that the writers of the next (as yet untitled) Bond film (who also wrote the last Bond film) are having trouble coming up with a script (supposedly, Brosnan is so adamantly opposed to the current writers he’s threatening to walk unless they’re replaced) I thought we might offer some suggestions here as to what the next Bond movie should be about.

Here’s my idea for what the next Bond film should be, call it The Ties That Bond.

The film opens with Bond in Hong Kong, he’s undercover as a reporter for a British newspaper covering a conference on SARS. One of the top Chinese biologists wants to defect to the West and has information indicating that SARS is actually some kind of germwarfare agent which was inadvertantly released. It was developed by rogue elements within the Chinese government who were being aided by a shadowy figure, known only as “Double Cypher.” As Bond is attempting to extract the biologist, he’s spotted by Chinese agent Wai Lin (you might remember her from such films as Tomorrow Never Dies), Bond realizes that he’s screwed at this point, grabs the biologist, and they try to make a break for it. As they’re attempting to escape, Bond notices that someone besides Wai Lin is pursuing them, he’s informed by the biologist that these are most likely the agents of Double Cypher.

Right as they’re about to board the boat (or whatever) to get them out of Hong Kong and safely into British hands, Bond and the biologist begin taking fire, Bond and the biologist dive for cover, only for Bond to discover that the biologist has been mortally wounded, he looks up to see Wai Lin putting away her weapon, and the biologist, with his/her dying breath tells Bond that he needs to see “Tea Baker” if he wants to know what’s going on.

Bond returns to England, reports to M, and get’s a royal tongue lashing for “allowing” the biologist to be killed. When Bond informs M about the biologist’s dying words, M becomes quite upset. M explains that it’s not “Tea Baker” the biologist meant, but “T. Baker” with “T” being the initial for Thomas. M then confesses that Thomas Baker was, in fact, the original James Bond (Bond being a name assigned to the best agent of MI6, just as letters are to office personnel [note that this only works if they can get Connery to play the villian]). There had been a number of reports that Baker had been setting up his own operation and was planning something big, and it was thought that Baker was behind the kidnapping of various experts in the fields of cloning, longevity, anti-aging, and other medical specialties. M orders to Bond to find Baker, and stop him at all costs.

Bond finds Baker in Scotland (though Spain would work as well), manages to infiltrate his compound, only to be caught by Baker. Baker confesses that he is behind everything, and gives his explaination. First of all, when he retired from MI6, he got the same kind of pension that a file clerk would get. This did not amuse him, since he’d sacrificed so much for his country, most especially the best years of his life. Secondly, he’s bitter since the whole field seems to have gone down hill since he retired. He begins ranting about how 9/11 never would have happened if he’d still been in the service, and that nobody in the intelligence field seems to know what to do with terrorist organizations anymore. His plan is to find a way to reverse the aging process somehow, restore himself to youth, take down the terrorist organizations out there, and claim the fortune that is rightfully his. (SARS was part of his experiments into reversing the effects of aging that went horribly wrong.)

Bond manages to escape, with the help of Wai Lin, who was also captured (she’s been trying to figure out who was responsible for killing the biologist, since she wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger), and kills Baker, who with his last words advises Bond (who, during his earlier interrogation by Baker, confesses that his real name is “Eric Blair”) to get out of the service while he still has some money and isn’t an old man.

A very battered and beaten Bond reports to M that Baker’s been taken care of, and announces his resignation (along with his nuptuals to Wai Lin, who’s decided that she’d better quit while she’s ahead as well). M makes the statement that Bond’s resignation is rejected, and that he’s to report to the office the following morning. The next morning, whatever actor (say, Clive Owen) has been chosen to replace Brosnan, reports to M’s office as Bond. Roll credits.

Whacha think? Anybody got any better ideas?

2

I like it, but I think Bond should only think he has killed Baker. ala a lot of cheesy horror flicks. Then we could have him back later.
Other than that I don’t have any good ideas just off the top of my head.

3

The head of SMERSH (played by Catherine Deneuve) actively recruits Bond for her organization. Turns out every time one of her lieutenants (Largo, Blofeld, etc) has made a grab for power within the organization, she has arranged for them to come into conflict with Bond; he has functioned as their assassin for decades without knowing it. Now, Mme. SMERSH wants to formalize the arrangement (and outfit him with a collarless jacket and fluffy cat) to replace her, as she’s dying. Calll it The Last Temptation of Bond.

4

They could always do a remake of MOONRAKER, since that horrible movie had essentially no relationship to the Ian Fleming book (of same title) whatsoever.

How about: Miss Moneypenny discovers a secret artifact that controls all the world’s nuclear weapons. She, accompanied by James and M the other six 00’s (a party of nine) has to go to the center of Gary, Indiana, to cast this artifact into the flames of … umm… hmmm. Maybe not.

5

But Sean Connery was just IN a movie involving a British former good guy who turns traitor. We don’t want the next Bond film to be the League of Extraordinary Similarity to a Lousy Film That Was Recently In Theatres.

6

The movie opens with Bond in the middle of a mission. The plans for an experimental superweapon, a bomb based on a new quantum theory of gravity and known as the Gravity Relativistic Yield or GRY have been stolen. Bond has recovered the first two parts of the plan, but is having trouble locating the final part of gry. While chatting with a woman at the bar of an elite nightclub, Bond realizes that he and everybody else have completely misunderstood the clue the developer of GRY gave before he died. The final part of the plans are in a compressed and encrypted file hidden in the set language menu of the scientist’s computer.

Bond is called back to headquarters to be congratulated and warned. Q found several other hidden things on the computer. These files are marked with a golden star. Though he can’t break the encryption on all of them, it seems that the dead scientist belonged to a secret organization planning world domination. The organisation, named the Teeming Millions, has also been studying MI6 from the inside.

James sets out, following the clues in the deciphered messages. These messages hint that the the leader of the Teeming Millions is a man known as BiO-Top. Along the way, Bond teams up with computer expert and martial artist Opal Katt. M periodically contacts James, increasingly panicked. His agents are turning up dead or simply disappearing.

Bond is able to track down a TM agent known as Esprit De Corps at a renaisance fair. Unwilling to tip his hand or risk injuring the crowd, Bond is drawn into a mock duel. Two things become clear-Esprit is the superior swordsman, and while Bond’s gear is theatrical equipment, his opponent’s is real and quite deadly. Bond is able to defeat Esprit only by ripping the metal boning from Opal’s corset. But, Esprit starts a large fire and escapes in the resulting chaos. He leaves Bond with the taunt “Your day is ending! Soon it will be the eve of a new day!”.

M calls Bond. They’ve deciphered another message. Bond makes his way to a bright planned suburban development called Sundown Estates. He enters an average looking house on wolf lane. Descending to the basement, he adjusts the meters to the date Tex Avery released his first Red and Wolf cartoon. A section of wall slides back, revealing a squad of goons. They wear black clothing, marked with a golden L, set in a star.

They attack. Bond does well for a time, using several of the gadgets Q had given him. But one goon is close to killing him. Opal saves Bond’s life. They enter the elevator behind the secret panel. It descends quite a distance. Then, it fills with poison gas. After that are several more traps involving lasers, electrified panels and the like. Bond and Katt finally make it to the control room. There, Fenris waits. He is dressed in a custom suit, and old sneakers. He carries a walking stick topped with a silver wolf’s head. On his right hand is a gold ring made in the shape of a star.He seems to know everything about Bond. Including that he’s used up all his gadgets to get this far.

Bond slowly advances on Fenris, expecting a final trap. There is none. But his attempt punch the villain fails. Bond’s fist passes through Fenris as though he were not there. “A hologram, mister Bond. This whole lair was built to gather further information, and to test you. I am now certain that between the hungry wolves I’ve just released from their pens, and the bomb I’ve just armed, that you will not escape.”

Using their fighting skills, and sending the elevator plummeting while they race upward on the cable’s other end, Bond and Katt escape just in time. They call M. There is no response. Bond realizes that the coded messages were just a ploy to draw the best agents away from headquarters.

Bond and Katt arm themselves from an old cache. From surveillance, it is clear a coup has successfully been staged. Our two heroes begin a frontal assault, easily defeating the guards at the front gate. Rather than a second wave attacking them, the guards surrender and lay down their arms. Confused and suspecting a trick, James and Opal make their way inside. Miss Moneypenny waits at her desk. She wears a new brooch, a gold star.

“You?!”
“Me, James. For years, I’ve been invisible here. Every important piece of informarion passed through me, and none of you gave me a second thought. A woman can only be ignored so long James. Now, go in. Our leader is expecting you.”

Shaken badly, Bond and Katt enter M’s office. It has been redecorated. Things are tastefully opulent and luxurious, with a strong art deco and art nuevo influences. Behind the desk sits a woman in a satin gown. Her arms are covered in matching opera gloves. An elaborate, and obviously very valuable, necklace of gold adorns her throat. She types on a baroque keyboard set into the desk. Rather than a monitor, a lorgnette is mounted on the desk. The woman is leaning slightly forward to look into it. Lights flashing within the opera glasses make it clear that they are some sort of computer display. The woman is speaking softly to herself. Finally she stops, and looks at Bond and Katt.

“Ah, mister Bond. I am Eve. After so long a wait, my day is nearly here. You are the final obstacle. What to do? Feed you to piranha? Share a toast of poisoned wine, which I shall chase with antidote? Summon some henchman with a bizarre, but lethal device to dispatch you?”

“I may be the last agent left. But I alone will defeat you. I alone will destroy your organization. Letting me come here so you could gloat face to face was a fatal mistake.”

“I don’t make mistakes. Hmm, I believe I know how I shall dispose of you. Now.”

Katt fires point blank into Bond’s knees. As he attempts to reach his gun, she fires into both of his hands.

Eve stands and walks to Bond.
“No elaborate plot to kill you, no needlessly complex method. Bullets fired by one you trust will do nicely. The play is finished, and so exit.”

Eve takes out a small ladies’ pistol, aims at Bond’s head and pulls the trigger.

The screen goes dark. There is an incredibly loud gunshot. The credits roll.

7

Having just seen that movie for the first time this evening, I’m fully prepared to state that my idea is nothing like that. First of all, Thomas Baker is nothing like the “M” for LXG. He’s not interested in world domination, he still believes in “Queen and country” and is more interested in gaining a fortune, shutting down the various terrorist organizations, and regaining his youth, than anything else. (Plus, having Connery as Thomas Baker, you can have him say such lines as, “Gentlemen, when you catch Mr. Bond this time, make sure you kill him outright. I know how easy it is for him to escape.”) If you have to compare Baker to a movie character, compare him to Travolta’s character in Swordfish.

8

It’s not directly answering the thread’s question but the next Austin Power’s movie should have all the possible former Bond actors band together to battle Austin. The can play former British agents who are after Austin because they feel he is making a mockery out of their line of work … lots of comedic potential there !

9

I’m surprised how nobody’s brought up the recent news that Quentin Tarantino is lobbying to direct the next Bond film. Fewer effects, smaller budget, leaner and meaner. That’s a Bond I’d like to see.

Probably won’t happen, though.