It’s not obvious at all that it’s what they had in mind. They might in fact have intended the opposite : leaving other relatives in blissfull ignorance while they might have prefered to share the burden a bit.
ETA : I voted “yes, I want to know”. Of course, as mentioned by others, that’s not a right I have.
When I think of it, there’s worst : not telling the patient he’s terminaly ill while the family knows.
If a loved one was definitely going to die in the near-ish future, I’d want to know that rather than being led to believe they were going through hopeful treatment. That kind of lie just seems cruel, even if I do understand why someone might do it. I don’t need details and I’d do my best to respect their wishes if they don’t want people to make a big deal or treat them too differently.
That being said, if I were the one dying, I don’t know who or how much I would want to tell. I don’t know how I’d balance my reserved nature with feeling obligated to let the people that love me prepare for the inevitable.
I’m lucky that the only deaths I’ve dealt with in recent years have been situations we had time to come to terms with ahead of time. It doesn’t make it easy, but it does take a lot of the shock away that could make it so much worse.
Same.
Unless I am the closest relative or, possibly*, lover, I am NOT ‘entitled’ to a person’s prognosis.
Or even symptoms, for that matter.
Yes, It might be nice to know, but you have no ‘right’ to such info.
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- even a lover has no legal right to such knowledge. This was a major issue for Gay Marriage - there were some really ugly ‘blood relatives who hated him’ v ‘friends and lovers here and now’.
On reflection, it does seem like some of my poll options were poorly worded. Sorry about that. I never meant to imply there’s a legal right involved; obviously that’s not the case. It’s more like – I don’t really know how to describe it – a moral/ethical thing, I suppose.
I don’t really understand why someone who’s terminally ill would want to keep their condition private; but having never been terminally ill myself, maybe some people do feel that way. It’s certainly nothing new. What I hope is they don’t think they’re making things easier on others by hiding the truth from them. Now I know some people here have said that after time had passed, they realized it was all for the best, but the fact is I’ve been through this kind of situation before and I don’t feel it was ever for the best at all.
I do note that so far, nobody’s chosen the “don’t tell me anything” options (for what my crappy phrasing is worth) so that’s probably significant.
This was a plot point in the Tennessee Williams play / Elizabeth Taylor movie Cat on a Hot Tin Roof – the doctor told Big Daddy’s family that he (Big Daddy, not the doctor) was terminally ill, but said that “medical ethics” prevented him from telling Big Daddy himself. Was this attitude really ever a thing??
But even on a moral/ethical level, do you really feel like her responsibility to make this easy for you trumps whatever makes this easier for her?
I had a good friend who was dying and his wife didn’t tell me. She told a mutual friend but asked him not to tell anyone else. I did visit him in the hospital on what turned out to be his last day and was able to say goodbye. He died of some kind of pneumonia, not cancer, and had been in poor health for some time.
One result of this is that I have not kept up any relation with his widow, since I feel she was not close enough to me to keep me informed.
Another friend is dying right now (cancer, complicated by dementia), but his wife keeps us informed regularly. Bummer.
I had a very serious cancer last year. I would’ve been terminal without intervention. I didn’t die, but I very easily could have. I told very few people: my Mom, my SO (who were caring for me) and two close friends. That’s it. It wasn’t “sparing” people. It was because it was the easiest for ME. I could barely deal with what was happening myself. I didn’t have the mental or physical capacity to deal with how someone else would react, no matter how well-intentioned it would’ve been.
I’m sure your aunt knew you would’ve visited and that you loved her. I susp[ect she just couldn’t handle your emotions.
I’m so sorry you lost her. Hugs.
Because those options imply “don’t tell me anything” regardless of the circumstances and regardless of whether the terminally ill person wants to tell you. It’s strictly about what the not-terminally ill person wants. There wasn’t an option for “don’t tell me anything- unless you want to”.
Would I want to know?
There are about 4 people in the world who’s impending death I’d want to know.
It turns out I was about 1 mile from a fellow (I’d known and liked 30 years ago) when he was dying.
Kinda glad I didn’t know he was that close and that far gone - how do you react?
Hi Sam - long time! How ya doin’? Oh yeah - about that…
I’ve never heard that from a doctor, but yes, there are patients who don’t want to know, and families who don’t want the patient to know. Our idea that the patient should know is actually a pretty new one, historically speaking. In the past, it was almost universal across cultures that the family should know, but spare their loved one the burden of worrying about their impending mortality. It’s actually still pretty common in many immigrant families in the US today. It’s something that’s so common, it’s taught in medical and nursing school as part of delivering compassionate, culturally sensitive care.
Conversely, I don’t know if I would tell my family, considering how nosy they are. My mom didn’t tell anyone for a long time that she was dying. Someone took it upon themselves to tell me. I was then stuck in a dilemma. Clearly she did not want me to know. What exactly could I do with the info?
I still don’t know if I did the right thing. She’s dead now, so it’s moot.
The OP is confused. He himself has a terminal condition right now. It’s called “being alive.” So what is the OP telling his friends and family about his condition? How is he living his life now that he has this info?
In the OP it says “Now it turns out that a year ago, she and my uncle were told that she had no more than six months to live, even with treatment.” And the OP also says the woman is still (at that time) alive.
So a year ago she was given 6 months max and lived at least 12. This is the central conundrum of a “terminal” diagnosis: even for very severe diseases the timing is highly and unpredictably variable.
IOW, they knew *what *would kill her. But not when. And even then something else could have popped up first. Cancer patients have heart attacks apparently at random sometimes, just like non-cancer patients do. Or they get hit by buses while crossing the street.
Terminal illness, especially cancer, is an exhausting marathon for the patient and everybody close to them. Pulling inwards is a very natural reaction as the effort grows and the strength wanes.
This would be how I would handle it as well. Yes, I understand other people want to know, but I’m the one dying. I want the time I have left surrounded by my friends and family acting normally rather than sad, sobbing, and talking around me in whispers. Everyone left will have years to get over not being told sooner. I’m an introvert and generally uncomfortable being the center of attention. Dealing with everyone’s sympathy would be overwhelming and stressful no matter how well intentioned it was.
Think about if everyone knows you’re dying. No longer is a dinner just a dinner, a happy-hour just a happy-hour, or hanging out just hanging out. Everyone will always bring up your illness and make that a major part of the discussion. Even if they don’t talk about it, it will have a strong effect on the mood of the gathering. If you’re the type who needs to talk about their problems, that can be great. For for someone who is more introspective, it doesn’t necessarily help to always have other people so involved in your life.
So when you find out someone hid their illness from you, know that they did it because that’s how they wanted to handle it. It’s not that they thought you were too fragile to handle it. Rather, they know you and everyone around them would rally with support and, to some people, that can be uncomfortable and overwhelming.
He died this morning and his wife called in the early afternoon. Bummer.
Yeah, same here, as it happens. (Except the wife part…)
Yes, I would want to know.
I was estranged from my mother when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She’d always loved playing games and was really into emotional blackmail. She chose not to tell me but instead wrote me a note on a scrap of paper saying that her solicitor had advised her to let me know I was no longer in her Will.
She died two days later of a stroke. I may be wrong but I think she was hoping I’d get the note and make contact with her. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance.
sometimes, it is unavoidable that you* will* know. Age related conditions such as alzheimers or age related organ failure in a parent or grandparent kind of make it difficult to not know. But, it is so much more painful watching someone you are close to live their last days, knowing that those are their last days. Been there, done that, I’m sure it’s inevitable that it will happen again. The unexpected deaths are much easier to deal with in my opinion
Your aunt may not had want people making a fuss over her , when I was a health aide I had a client that was dying and her son was crying all over his mom and she told him “To get up and stop it!” And I agree with others, people don’t have to let family member know they’re dying , this can be a very private matter to some peoples and you have to respect this. When my best friend was dying of a brain tumor at age of 40 yo she didn’t want anyone to visit her , she only wanted her family. This was very hard on me but respected her dying wishes .
I was a little harsh in my post above. Learning how to deal with terminal illness in others is a process. A process most of us screw up the first time we go through it.
Some of the routine needs of life carry on just as always, others stop completely, and others are changed in ways weird or mundane. It’s a real mind-fuck for the patient and for the immediate caregivers. And just as you reach some equilibrium with what’s happening, the disease process throws another joker on the pile.
Having different distant friends and far-extended family dropping into the patient’s bizarro world for a couple days then leaving again can be very disorienting for everybody. And that’s assuming there’s no mental deterioration involved.