If equality within the couple was not possible, which would you prefer?

That’s my situation exactly except that I make more than 100k. The great part about it is that I know for a fact that I really value the contributions my wife does make, even though they’re not monetary or if they are don’t amount to much. Also, even though, objectively, her life is distinctly a little bit easier than mine day to day, I don’t resent it because we love each other and are incredibly happy.

Flipping that on its head and marrying some new hypothetical rich genius lady is pretty scary. One of my best friends is in the middle of a divorce and a huge part of the reason is she felt her husband wasn’t ambitious enough and wasn’t motivated to get ahead or do better. The poor guy earned about $70,000 a year and as much as I like my friend I hope he’s happier single. (just to be clear, in my personal opinion anyone earning $70,000 has nothing at all to feel bad about and doesn’t need to “get ahead” unless it’s something they really want.)

Or in short, I know how hard I want to work at life. Being with someone more successful wouldn’t hurt my ego, but I wouldn’t like taking the chance of being with someone who might decide it’s not “good enough”.

Not fighting the hypothetical, but I’m a bi male who wouldn’t mind a smarter, more successful mate.

Dang … didn’t include bi options! Sorry. No that is not fighting the hypothetical, it is simply my not having been inclusive enough. If you want to answer just pick one arbitrarily I guess. Trans though should answer by whichever they experience their gender and orientation to be, no matter where is the process they are externally.

I’ll explain what had inspired this poll and what I was thinking I’d see after we get some more numbers up. I do not want my explanation to influence the responses

Straight male, prefer smarter more successful. I guess, that was my first reaction anyway, my wife’s been pretty smart and successful herself in recent years and I don’t mind it at all. Maybe I’m just old enough to be shaped by the ancient conventions.

Straight male with a preference for a smarter/more successful partner.

We’re dooooooomed.

Straight male. Until my current gf I was always the better paid in my relationships. I’m really happy with her bringing home bigger bags o’ cash, and would love if they were even bigger. Takes some of the pressure of me.

Straight female; I prefer my husband to be the smarter and better paid (although jsgoddess’ “security and independence” points are good ones).

I was once married to a guy who made less money, had less drive, and less sense than myself, a pretty low bar! I’m currently married to a guy who makes way more money than I do and has more drive and work ethic than any one person needs…I can tell you I’m a lot happier running to keep up with this guy, than I was trying to drag the ex around.

The problem is thus: I don’t have a great deal of drive, and a middle of the road salary is fine for me. I don’t have kids, so it’s just myself to pay for.

So since I don’t have a huge amount of drive, I don’t feel the need for him to have a huge amount of drive, either. neither of us defines ourselves by work.

But by the very definition of not having a huge drive and not caring if he does or not, I will probably never be making 100K.

It’s an interesting predicament.

Oh, and your friend is kind cray-cray. $70K is just fine and it’s more than either of us make. : shrug :

SM. This is my reasoning as well.

I assumed that “smarter” and “more successful” were being judged on merits other than my spouse’s choice of spouse.

Oh, I forgot you two were together. The series of posts came off like jsgoddess being sarcastic that a man, wanting a woman smarter and more successful than him, would doom the world.

I thought you were making a broader point! :slight_smile:
That being said, really, I don’t get anyone who cares who brings home more money. Bringing home more money, in a GOOD relationship, equals more money in the house! Win-win!

Sorry for the confusion. In summary, I already have a wife who is smarter, and at least as successful, unless you count some of her poor relationship choices. :slight_smile:

Agreed, though I get why having a huge disparity in incomes can cause some people concern over feeling beholden to or a burden on their higher-earning spouse. Hopefully, a good relationship and good communication can keep that from happening.

I’ve been married twice, in both I made less, and had I stayed married to my second I’m sure I would be making WAY less now. In my first marriage she way quite smart, but only about certain things. I was fine not being ‘as smart’ as her, but what I hated was that she thought I was stupid for not understanding the things she could. I don’t get chemistry, that was what she had her Ph D in. My second wife was smart, but we were about equal I’m sure.

I’d be fine with a wife that was smarter then me and made more then me. What I wouldn’t want is someone that looks down on me because of it.

I think it depends a bit on how you interpret the hypothetical. If I assume I meet someone who is compatible with my values then I’d be totally on board with her being more successful and wealthy. But a key part of my values include not judging other people for not being driven and in my experience that’s difficult for driven people to do.

Besides the first friend I mentioned, I have another friend who probably makes about $70,000 working for his dad’s business. When his dad retires he should make about triple that if he can do as well as his dad.

Meanwhile his wife is a surgeon who resents how much free time he was to relax and enjoy his life. They get into fights because she feels they should spend her limited free time together. That might sound somewhat reasonable but he ends up resenting that his schedule is dictated by her career choices. Plus she tends to be so burnt out that although she wants his company, she’s not really up to do anything fun.

As for my other friend I agree judging someone negatively for “only” making $70,000 makes you at least cray-cray, if not a big asshole. Personally I started out really ambitious and driven and I’m really glad I got it out of my system early.

Straight dude. I’d rather her be smarter/more successful. I did it once the other way and that didn’t work for me at all. I still get pissed when I think about it.

My wife currently makes more than I do, but I edge her out in savvy, so I guess I prefer that!

Yeah… in real life I’ve only met three people who were a lot smarter than me, and the only man in that trio has unfortunately passed on so it’d be…interesting to marry a man much smarter. Hopefully I wouldn’t bore him or vise versa.

As for making more money, hell yeah let him be more successful there. I’m not doing badly for a woman my age given my per capita income is just a few thousand shy of the median household income, but I wouldn’t want to be the one making a significantly greater income if my income is to stay what it is now.

Okay.

The idea for this thread came from a thread that was disappeared due to its having apparently been opened by a sock, in which an apparently fictional young man was bemoaning his love life prospects.

In that thread I had speculated that we might be in a time in which women are much more often going to be more educated and more economically successful than many men their own age are, yet we still possess some ingrained biases that make some women, relative to men, less comfortable with a partner significantly less than her equal in some combination of intellectual, educational, economic, and status level, and conversely make some men, relative to women, a bit intimidated in a relationship in which they are significantly less than the equal of their partner, and less uncomfortable than women are with partners who are significantly lower levels than they are on each.

I know that is worded awkwardly but I think the point is clear. For the purposes of that thread I speculated what that possibility would mean for relationships in the 20s and in the 30s but the initial speculation is still just that.

I based this thread on the presumption that this is a more progressive than average crowd but I hypothesized that even here we might see evidence that more women are comfortable with a partner higher in those metrics than are they than are men, and conversely, more men are comfortable with a partner lower in those metrics than they are than are women.

So far that hypothesis seems to be being supported: 22 to 17 straight males preference to being the higher level one in those metrics compared to the opposite direction for straight females with 16 to 8 preferring a partner being the higher level in those metrics.

Gay males have too few reporting to make a meaningful conclusion and no gay females answered at all.

Honestly I had not expected in this particular subculture for the divergence to be that dramatic. I was thinking it would be marginal. Boy, if this rather “enlightened” crowd has that magnitude of difference than the difference in the broader population is likely much higher.

I do not judge it. We are unavoidably products of our cultures and our upbringings and those do not change on a dime even as the realities on the ground change quite quickly. I also note that despite my constant making fun of princess stuff my 14 year old daughter only half jokingly this year stated that her career ambition is to be a socialite. Oh I know that she will turn out to be a strong independent successful woman maybe partnered in a relationship and will end up comfortable I hope with the possibility of being the larger breadwinner and better educated one if/when that day comes. But dang … a socialite? This is NOT how we raised you girl!

Does the above have an impact on how happy young well educated, intellectual, economically successful females are with their romantic prospects with their age cohort? Of course moving up an age cohort to find available males closer (or above) to their equals in those metrics is an option and one that many females are comfortable with and that society in general has always found to be normative.

Does the above have an impact on how happy young, less highly educated, less intellectual, less economically successful males are with their romantic prospects within their age cohort? Males who might also be less than comfortable moving up an age cohort in romance and who might not be all that appealing to those women either.

Anecdotal I know but it seems in my personal life all the women I know that are more successful by a significant margin in comparison to their husbands seem to be unhappy in their marriages and relationships and often end up leaving the guy. It seems like that shouldn’t be a problem in this day and age but gender stereotypes continue to exist and I’ve known a lot of women who were the breadwinners who basically treat their husbands like they are their bitches.

I consider myself to be reasonably smart and I make reasonable money. Currently my husband has different smarts to me (I couldn’t honestly say which of us is smarter because of the different types of smart) and makes less than me. Given the choice, I’d be very happy to live with someone who is smarter and makes more money!