If I ignore my biological clock, will it go away?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve always thought I didn’t want to have kids. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot over the years, and the concept has never appealed to me. I’ve even had reoccurring nightmares about pregnancy, having a baby that I hate, and even killing my baby. My husband and I talked about it before we got married and decided it was not going to happen. Everything has been fine.

Except, all of the sudden (like the past month), I kind of want a kid. This is maddening, because I still think the whole child care thing sounds like a pain in the ass (but also, lately, kind of fun), and we agreed, dammit, and it isn’t fair for me to just change my mind.

We’ve been married 8 years, stable relationship, enough money, good insurance (military). I’m 28, he’s 32. We’re both nice people and people tell us all the time how great we would be as parents.

We’ve talked about it. He’s not happy about my new thoughts, but is willing to have a kid if I really want one. I feel like I’m betraying my promise about the no-kids thing, though when we started dating he assumed he would eventually kids. He’d be a great dad.

I just don’t know. Has anyone ignored it and had it go away? One of my friends said it did for her. Any advice? Thoughts on pros and cons of kids? I feel kind of crazy here. Did you change your mind and have them? How’d it work out?

2

I’m having the same problem only in a far different situation.
I’m female,36, never married, the last 15 years of my life suffering from chronic mental illness. Have not wanted a relationship - hell I couldn’t bear to be touched even and suddenly I’m all “I wanna baby” “I wanna husband” and “I wanna be loved”. Ignoring it is not working for me at the moment (it’s giving me nightmares). know it is in no way remotely feasible (Hello - don’t like to be touched, no relationship, chronic mental illness does not meld with good parenting generally) but it is still driving me nuts.

Anyway back to you - this is all just my opinion of course - People change as they grow older. You are not the same person you were before you married. You know more, have experienced more of life and have grown in ways only you could know. You can change your mind because you have changed (or not) I don’t see it as a betrayal (have you asked your SO if he thinks it is?) you will feel what you feel of course. Talk to (IRL) people with kids (who you trust) ask them how they felt before kids vs after, make your own pros and cons list with everything that comes into you head (do I sound like someone in the recovery process yet :))
I can’t think of anything else to suggest so I hope things resolve in whatever way soon for you. Good luck

3

The important thing to remember, is that when you change your mind, your mind is changed. You feel different about your choices in life. When before having kids felt like being pulled, or stepping, in a cruel trap Mother Nature set up, when you have changed your mind, having kids will feel like a enriching, wonderful possibility Mother Nature gives out. (only for you, your mind isn’t changed yet, but it is changing)
And of course, having kids is both those things, and neither. If the opinion of about 3 billion people having kids after the invention of reliable birth control is any indication, a lot of them went on to have even more kids after they experienced caring for a first. So the experience can’t have been all that bad. :slight_smile: And then again, also billions of people lead rich fulfilling lives without ever having kids. “Nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”, are wise words.

It is harder for your husband, but I think he’s okay with it. If he really panicked at the thought of having kids, he would have tried to talk you out of it more fiercely.

4

Oh, madrabbitwoman, I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. That must be torture. Thanks for your input–we’ve talked about it a lot and he doesn’t feel betrayed. It’s just such a 180 (not that there’s any middle ground with having kids vs. not) that he’s a bit shocked. Adjusting, but shocked. We’re going to be moving off Okinawa (finally!) in a few months and we don’t know where we’re going yet–could be another overseas tour, could be back to the Sates–so nothing’s going to happen until we know something, but it’s definitely on my mind a lot.
Maastricht, I’m definitely more terrified of the possibility than the husband. All the things that can go wrong! Gah! He says he’s not scared, just sort of grieving for the absurdly expensive sports car he was going to buy :).

Thanks for the thoughts, guys, and all the best for your future happiness, madrabbitwoman.

5

A suggestion: Why don’t you think about why you want to have kids? Is it that you really want to have one, or are you looking around at all of your friends who have kids, and all of the attention they are getting, and feeling a little envious? Because even I felt that little bit of an urge and I am vehemently against having kids. It’s just, mothers get so much stuff and attention! But I’m since over it. :slight_smile:

6

I was in this EXACT situation a year ago (except we’re a lesbian couple). My partner was surprised and not thrilled, but said “Ok, give it 6 months. If you still feel like this, we’ll seriously consider it.” It was a good solution as it kept us from making any rash decisions and allowed me to just let myself feel that way without fretting about the future.

As it turned out, my new-found and deep-seated need to spawn only lasted about 3 months. I’m back to my old position of “kids are cool but I don’t want to have one of my own!”

Good luck!

7

Suggestion: Google Fertility Preservation - freezing eggs so that you can extend your fertility window. With recent advances in technology, the rate of successful thaw and reimplantation is going up to the point where in some cases it rivals IVF. It is pricey and an investment of your time and your body, too, since they put you through a modifiend hormone cycle or two to generate the eggs they preserve.

Doesn’t answer the OP but might provide more time to consider options.

Oh, and disclaimer: IANADoctor but work in the Fertility medical sector; my company is not currently involved in fertility preservation although some of the physicians we provide services to are…

8

FWIW, my timeclock up and LEFT the second the rabbit died. It didn’t hang around for the diapers, childcare, or 2 am barfed-in bedsheet swaps.

Good thing I wanted kids anyway, but I’m just warning you, hormones expressing your genetic desire to procreate are fickle…and temporary.

9

Oh, no, not at all. I don’t like to be the center of attention, to the point where I eloped to get married because of all the gifts and attention and crap. I hate baby showers and avoid them whenever possible.

It’s really the family aspect. Babies don’t really appeal, although I guess I’d survive, it’s the long term relationship that seems cool. I have a great relationship with my own mother and her huge extended family, and it just seems like people love their kids SO MUCH, that maybe I’d be missing out on that deeply human experience, if that makes sense. And the idea of seeing a new person become whoever they’re going to be…it’s just sort of neat. But then, what if who they’re going to be is a nasty individual? That would suck.

FWIW, I’m a painter and work from home, so I wouldn’t be massively interrupting my career or anything, which is also nice.

Wordman, no worries about that yet, I’m only 28 and have a few years.

Thanks shy_kat and unintentionally blank. I’ve got an IUD now (which I’ll miss desperately if we decide to “try”) so nothing’s going to happen for the next 6 months or so at a minimum. I’m trying to just relax about the whole thing and see what happens, but it’s nice to hear others’ experiences.

10

Have you considered getting a pet? They are hard to care for when they are babies (well, dogs moreso than cats), they mess up your schedule, cost money and give you unconditional love.

Yes, they only live so many years, which is a total bummer. If you get a pet the things you feel might be fulfilled. And if they’re not, you can still have a pet and a kid at the same time.

11

We have three dogs and three cats, and foster puppies and kittens frequently. LOVE pets.

12

You’re only 28. I would wait at least a year and see how you feel then.

You might also consider adoption if pregnancy isn’t your cup of tea or just not important to you. But since the adoption process is often costly and lengthy, it’s definitely not something either parent should be ambivalent about.

13

In the end it’s up to you but it’s a 20 year or longer commitment you are making in the hopes that eventually you will get an adult you get along with out of it.

Myself, I tend to lean towards “don’t have kids unless you’re both really, really sure”, but that’s me.

But I’ll say what I say for all life changing experiences, tattoos, piercings, dogs, cats, babies - WAIT a year and see if you still feel the same way. Wait two years if you can, for a baby. As you say, you’re still young enough to have a little time.

14

I think this and Anaamika’s recommendations are sound. Definitely take the time to think about it first and think about why you want one. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with changing your mind - as stated earlier, you can hardly be expected to think exactly the same way as you experience more. Also, if you decide you don’t want a kid but enjoy playing with babies, are there any friends or family members in need of a night out who could lend you one for a few hours, assuming you’re both comfortable with the idea? Sometimes that alone is enough to dissuade you from the babymaking. :slight_smile:

15

For the OP: Please also take the time to think about all the possibilities and the various worst-case scenarios…

What if your child is autistic? Or physicall handicapped and confined to a wheelchair? Could you handle accommodating that, for the rest of your (or your offspring’s) life?

You mentioned wanting “the long-term relationship” that develops. What if your child is born with mental retardation or is developmentally delayed or whatever you’re supposed to say these days? What if you *can’t *have a relationship in the way you’re envisioning now?

What if your marriage falls apart? Or if your husband (God forbid) would die? Could you handle being a single parent?

I’m not trying to be a pessimist. I just think that weighing these kinds of things falls into the “only have kids if you reallyreallyreally want one” category.

16

And remember, we live in a fear based society. All these what-if’s casually ignore that 99.999% of everybody you meet are the results of a successful childbirth.

Sometimes the best way to see if you’ll survive a trail by fire is stepping into the fire.

17

There is sort of a middle ground about having kids. You could be a foster parent or host an exchange student or be a mentor in a program like Big Sisters or guardian ad litem. People who are willing to do those things wholeheartedly are badly, badly needed. If your desire to have children doesn’t directly relate to passing on your genetic material, there are many ways to get involved in raising children without making a permanent commitment. Sometimes those relationships last and sometimes they don’t, but that is also true of biological children.

18

Depends if you are on GMT or not

19

Not when discovering that you don’t survive that trial very well means you’ve created a living, breathing human being who is, at least for the first decade or so, completely and utterly dependent on you to, in fact, survive that trial very well.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be harsh - I’ve just seen the incredible suffering that’s created when people who aren’t cut out to be parents go out and become parents. The fallout can be horrific.

I realize now that my first post sounded alarmist. I didn’t intend for it to sound that way. It was just a few potential scenarios to consider, ALL of which are very much within the realm of possibility, to get the OP thinking about all angles of the situation.

For the OP: if you were a kid, would you want you as a parent?

The thing about having kids is, it’s the single thing in life you cannot undo. If you take a new job, and then realize you hate it, you can quit. If you move, and then realize you don’t like your new city, you can move back or on to another city. If you get married, you can get divorced. But once you have a baby … that’s it. You can’t undo that, so you better be damn sure that’s what you want to do BEFORE you do it.

Please consider **Harriet’s **well-written post about integrating kids into your life in other ways, too. It might provide a way to fulfill your desires in a different way.

Not that I’m saying the OP *shouldn’t *have kids, if that’s what she and her husband decide, together. Just that decisions this major and life-altering should be made rationally. Hormones, while urgent, are rarely rational.

20

A flip side of the coin if you will…

Much like madrabbitwoman, I suffer from mental illness, the only difference being my age (41) and that I’m married. I’d been pretty much very vocally against having kids my entire life because, instead of assuming my child would be the next US president or some such, I was frightful they’d end up in a bell tower somewhere with a rifle and a scope screaming “Hi Mom!” :stuck_out_tongue:

Anyway, add that to not wanting to pass on any mentally defective genes and we chose to forego the possibility. But around my late-ish 30s, I began to wonder. Then shortly thereafter I suffered some severe female troubles and opted for a complete hysterectomy. I thought it would be an easy choice due to what we’d already decided but lately I’m not so certain.

It seems that now that there’s no way I’ll ever reproduce (plus I’m about out of age range regardless), I’ve gone about bonkers from the loss of it all. And not for some of the reasons mentioned up thread, but because of what great things I’ll miss. Like you, I wonder about the person who my child might have become and the life we’d have shared together because I have so much to give. :frowning:

However, since I’d have been remiss if I’d done anything different, I know the outcome is for the best. I would change it if I could though. But if you’re both healthy, have given this considerable thought and time for the idea to ferment, then I’d say it sounds like you should stay true to yourself now. Not how you were almost a decade ago. There are some positions that after tested measures are tried (babysitting is one good idea suggested), jumping in is all that’s left to do.

No matter what you decide, best wishes to you and your husband.