And I’m saying many people that never wanted kids found they could do it and do it well.
Parenthood’s about the only big life commitment that requires no license or training. As far as there being no undo, where do the kids come from that are put up for adoption? There are always options. And nobody grows up free of scars.
It is our responsibility to provide a fair and reasonable response to the OP.
Parents make mistakes. There’s no manual. But if a person sucks up and is responsible for their actions, they’ll do okay.
Just don’t expect any help from that biological clock. Once it’s bell is rung, it’s gone.
Here’s my fire, fear, and brimstone:
NOTHING has tested me like parenthood. Nothing has proven the depth of resolve I have like staying up with a child in the ICU. Nothing has demonstrated my stamina like being there with a dangerously dehydrated kid that shits and vomits if you put more than a tablespoon of water in him every 15 minutes. Nothing scared the crap out of me like signing papers for surgery, as legal guardian, of a person I hadn’t known a full week.
But to leave it with the bad, ignores the good. The first real giggle at recognition of Dad, knowing your son is REALLY happy (because he swings is left arm just so when he’s running and happy), seeing your child learn how to ride a bike then seeing the gears in their mind when they realize how much larger their world is. There’s plenty about raising kids that’s worth it.
I’ve got a kid, my husband didn’t want any more - now he wonders why we didn’t have more.
I think the other posters advice to wait a while & see if the bells are still ringing in a year or so is good. Really you need him to be pretty gung ho about it - you’ll be holding the baby.
One thing you might try to separate out is whether you want a child or you want to be a parent for 20 years, come hell or high water.
Wanting a child is biological. Making a commitment to be a parent for 20 years is a decision. There are many more fulfilling the biologic drive than the consequent commitment.
You can ditch an inadequate husband in an adult fashion and with a clear conscience. You cannot do that with a child. If, for instance, you have a child to fulfill a companionship need and the kid is an autistic loser, you don’t get to bail. For some even a marginally functional child fulfills them. For others it’s a PIA for life.
Since I seem to have been born with zero parenting instinct or even the desire to procreate I’d like to ask…what was it like? Did you just wake up and suddenly desire a child? The whole concept just seems foreign to me.
Yeah, and this board leans a bit doom and gloom, I think. I’ve been surprised at how few have chimed in here to say that having kids can actually be a good thing. You frequently hear how people wouldn’t trade their kids for anything in the world, but to read this thread you’d think that 90% of the time parenthood is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.
I’m a really optimistic person, so this kind of freaks me out.
I’ve actually thought about this. If it was just me, I’d probably adopt, but hubby says he wants to make his own. We’re overseas right now and moving soon, but if we decide not to have kids, I’ll probably look into a mentoring program when we get back to the States.
Greenwich Mean Time? What?
Actually, yes, I would want us as parents, absolutely. That’s the one thing I have no doubt about–we really would be great parents. The debate is more whether having kid(s) would enrich our lives, or drive us crazy. Probably both, I guess, but is it worth it?
See, this is what I worry about. You only have so much time to make this decision. (And I know that times isn’t up for us, but we are the age where we need to be making it.) I really worry that, after it’s too late, I’ll wish I’d gone ahead and built a family when there I could.
Thanks for this. I do know that if we do this, it’s going to be hard. Really hard. But so many say (well, not here that it’s worth the effort. I know my parent’s lives would not be better without children. My husband’s parents would not have been better off. No one thinks it’s easy, least of all me, but is it worth it?
Yeah, lots of people told me so. Worse things in life than being wrong, I suppose. How are you feeling about the baby thing now, by the way?
No, it’s been gradual. I used to find babies crying in the supermarket extremely annoying, now I hardly notice. I never though little kids were cute, now a lot of them are. Teenagers used to seem like a blight on humanity, now they look more like almost-there people. I think I’ve mellowed a lot.
I’m still not feeling a strong craving for a baby. I’ll just be cooking and imagine teaching a little girl how to help, or imagine my husband playing with a child, and it just seems nice, and right.
Thanks so much for the responses, everyone. I’ve been surprised how defensive I’ve felt reading some of the responses, like I don’t want to be talked out of it, which is really interesting, and maybe telling (or maybe not).
Rest assured the decision will be made thoughtfully, and not based (completely) on hormones.
If anyone did decide, even with some reservations, to take the plunge and it didn’t completely ruin their lives, I’d love to hear about it.
Guy, 32, with a 9 week old at home checking in. My partner turns 31 this year.
Approximately 3-4 years ago, I told my partner that I had decided I never wanted kids, which looking back on it now she took very calmly. This obviously concerned her as it was something we’d never really discussed before and after about a year on from my declaration, she pulled me aside and told me that she didn’t think the relationship could continue due to her knowing that she wanted kid/s to be a part of her life in the near future. Faced with this information, I was forced to do some rapid evaluation to get to the heart of why I said I didn’t want to have kids, which came down to several things - my history of depression, being annoyed easily by screaming toddlers, financial insecurity etc etc.
After thinking long and hard, I realised there was a very strong chance I would regret not having kids, let alone with a person who I knew and is currently proving to be a brilliant mother. My depression is no longer a concern (in fact in some ways it has helped), screaming toddlers/other people’s kids are NOT the same as your own, plus the financial insecurity thing I realised was bullshit. Financially speaking we’re doing ok and I realised that to be truly secure would take many years past the point we could realistically have kids.
Taking all this into account, we agreed to start trying when my partner turned 30 (last September) and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant first go. I was nervous of course, but I can say in all honesty that my feelings towards having a kid really did do a complete 180 and I’m so glad that I did because we now have Grace, a happy, beautiful, rewarding human being that will give me an opportunity to grow just as much as she will in the process of trying to raise her.
Nothing prepares you for parenthood, no nieces or nephews, no pets, no babysitting. Nothing. Parenting is so primal, so basic to our nature that nothing else compares. I can’t think of anything I’ve done that compares to being a parent.
Think about it. Then think again. If you think you can handle, and that you two can be competent parents, then you won’t know unless you do it. There is no middle ground. There’s always the chance that either way you will regret it.
Back then, I was very much in your position. It’s now three years later and my baby son started walking last month.
This is going to sound odd, but really, for your happiness and your husband’s, it doesn’t matter much what you choose. It even doesn’t matter much, if you decide to try for a child, if you get a perfect baby or an autist loser kid from hell. People always severy underestimate their ability to adapt to any situation.
Here is one of those prof’s holding a lecture on lineon this subject. Look it up. It is important for your decision.
Having kids can be a good thing and although my daughter drives me up the wall at times, I wouldn’t trade her for the world.
That said, it is a huge commitment, so nobody wants to advise you to rush into anything. This sentence from the OP “He’s not happy about my new thoughts, but is willing to have a kid if I really want one.” sets off major alarm bells for me. He needs to be more into it than that. This is not a hobby or small business venture that he merely needs to tolerate and provide moral support for. If he isn’t 100% onboard there is a chance he could end up resenting you and the baby for the changes that come with parenthood. Even as someone who wanted kids, the first few months were a bit of a shellshock.
I guess I added my own doom and gloom but that sentence really struck me. I love being a parent. I love watching my daughter learn new things and try to apply use her own brand of logic to figure out the things she doesn’t know (my wife and I apparently need to get married again to have that little brother or sister that she wants). It has been amazing watching her grow and although she is only 3, I still feel like it is going by so fast.
I am sorry. I am not trying to tell you parenthood is the worst thing in the world. But as a child of TWO sets of bad parents, and having been abandoned by one set, and the second set raising me only as part of their “duty” I’m always a little leery of people who don’t think through having kids.
When you have kids, then go ahead and talk to all of the people who tell you what a wonderful experience it is - then you may need it! But for the moment, we are telling you the possible negatives of having children since you may not be thinking of them yet.
Having kids is absolutely wonderful. I loved it so much the first time, I’m doing it again!
But, having a child was also the single biggest shock to my life I’ve ever experienced. The lack of personal space, sleep, suddenly not being able to do whatever I wanted, the absolute terror I felt the first time he got sick - there’s nothing that could’ve prepared me for that. And that’s just the first few months. The complications of having a kid morph into other ones as they age. Sometimes, it’s simply a thankless job.
However, that thankless job (for me anyway) is frequently punctuated by nearly transcendant experiences that make all the rest of the crap you put up with worth it.
So, yes, being a parent is a truly wonderful thing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But at the same time, I’m glad we waited until we were sure we wanted kids. I would say I’m glad we waited until we were ready, but there’s no way in hell I could’ve been ready for the reality that is my son.
I agree, that really worried me, and you have to not only take some time to examine your feelings, but he also has to be very honest with himself and with you about what he thinks.
My husband and I went into our marriage knowing that he would like to have a kid but wasn’t committed to that, while I did not want children but honestly told him that I would leave my mind and heart open to the idea of having one someday. It worked the other way - he decided that he absolutely no longer wanted one. Even though he thought he wanted a child years ago, I would expect for him to be utterly stunned if I did an about-face and said that I wanted to have a child, and would possibly even head to counseling to deal with the emotions and situation, both individual and couple.
I also have a friend who had never wanted a child, and then suddenly, boom, wanted a baby desperately. That “hormone burst” wore off dramatically after about 3-4 months of really wanting to be a mommy but agreeing that thinking about it is a good thing. It hasn’t come back.
I agree with those who are saying give it some time! You have plenty of time yet to have a child.
Almost every parent I’ve known has said more or less the same thing: having a child tests one severely, but there is nothing like it and it is worth it.
This Saturday I was at the beach with my 3 and a half year old son; for the first time, he really “got” swimming; then he chased me around with a water gun; and last we built a sand-castle together - and he made the moat. That night when we put him to bed after his stories he told us that he loved us very much - “… even more than the cat”.
Looking back, it was the perfect day, the sort I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I’ll also remember the gut-clenching terror of rushing to the hospital last year when he had his ashma attack.
Sure, there is the possibility of disaster and heartbreak. Moreover, no kid is perfect - they throw tantrums, behave badly, demand your time. But is it worth it? The vast majority of parents would say that it is, totally.
That being said it is obviously a very important decision and not one to be undertaken lightly.
Renee, I’m going to be another vote for “sit on it.” You’re not even 30 yet–plenty of years to get pregnant without additional risk without getting to it right this second.
The first time through, I didn’t read Google as a verb, and I was quite surprised at how much they’re branching out these days.
Thanks for those links, they’ve given me a lot to think about. I hadn’t been to TED before, and have been listening to a lot of the lectures there. Awesome site, thanks! And I loved reading about the joys of parenthood in the first thread–I remember reading it back when it was active and not “feeling” it at the time.
Your son is completely adorable, by the way, congratulations!
Thanks again for all the advice and stories and well-wishes, everyone. My husband (doesn’t he look like he’d be a good dad?) seems to have relaxed about the idea, though obviously no decision has been made yet and nothing will be done for at least a year.
Anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on what we decide ('cause I know you’re all on the edges of your seats about it). I’d love to hear any other stories anyone would like to share.
Me too. Except for the surprised bit. It seemed like an almost logical extension of their franchise, if you consider eggs as containing tonnes of encoded information.
To answer purely the question in the title, and not make a recommendation to you one way or the other: my biological clock spontaneously started ringing around age 28 or 29, and my brain has forced me to think about having and long for a child every. single. freaking. day. since. I’m 33 this month, so I’m secure in saying that mine won’t go away anytime soon.
that it’s worth the effort. I know my parent’s lives would not be better without children. My husband’s parents would not have been better off. No one thinks it’s easy, least of all me, but is it worth it?
But for the moment, we are telling you the possible negatives of having children since you may not be thinking of them yet.