If handy wrote LOTR:
Guy throws ring into volcano.
LOTR as described with signs and labels…
In Hobbitton:
Low Clearance
On back of a Ringwraith’s horse:
My other steed is a fire-breathing dragon.
In Moria:
Falling Rocks Ahead
On Sting:
DIRECTIONS: Wait for blue glow. Hack nearby Orcs, Goblins, etc. until glow ceases. Sheath sword until blue glow returns. Repeat.
On Orc T-shirt:
I’m with Stupid
On Palant’r:
WARNING: Objects in Palant’r are More Evil than They Appear
At Helm’s Deep:
Maximum Occupancy: 1000
In Shelob’s Lair:
Do not feed the animals
At Mount Doom:
WARNING: Contents Hot!
On The One Ring:
DANGER: May cause insanity and loss of appendage.
Very clever, DrFrasierCrane.
I’ll add this one to your list:
In Lothlorien:
SURVEILLANCE WARNING: Your thoughts may be monitored.
LOTR by Quentin Tarantino
Frodo
If you wanna play blind man, then go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fucking open.
Sam
What the fuck does that mean?
Frodo
That’s it for me. For here on in, you can consider my ass retired.
Sam
Frigging Valor!
Frodo
Don’t blaspheme!
Sam
Goddamit Frodo
Frodo
I said don’t do that
Sam
you’re fuckin freaking out!
Frodo
I’m telling Gandalf today I’m through.
Sam
While you’re at it, be sure to tell im why
Frodo
Don’t worry, I will.
Sam
Bet you Bagend he laughs his ass off.
Frodo
I don’t give a damn if he does.
Sam turns aroud, Sting casually in his grip.
Sam
Gollum, what do you make of all this?
Gollum
Man, I don’t even have an opinion,
Sam
C’mon Stinker. Do you think God came down from heaven and stopped that sipder?
Sting leaps up and goes straight through Gollums eye. He gurgles blood and dies.
Frodo
What the fucks happening?
Sam
I just accidently stabbed Marvin in the head.
Frodo
Why the fuck did you do that?
Sam
I didn’t mean to do it. I said it was an accident.
Frodo
I’ve seen a lot of crazy ass shit in my time
Sam
We got to get off the road!
Frodo
Where too? This is Mordor, Sam. Gandalf don’t got no friendly places in Mordor.
[I don’t know if anyone already did a Titanic version. I saw Titanic for the very first time a few nights ago on TV, so here goes.]
ARAGORN (leaning over the bow of the ship): “I’m the King of Gondor!”
If you want to add something, and you have no time to find if a subject was done already, check the index of this monster thread here:
http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/
Some recent additions are not added yet though, so do some searches in the last pages before posting.
I think the Burma Shave parodies, around page 32, are good.
“The Lord Of The Rings” as done by Gerry Anderson In Supermarionation!
http://www.fanderson.org.uk/fanderson.html
Which pod will Thunderbird 2 carry to Minas Tirith?
Close, but he needs to lean out over the edge where Denethor fell to his death, and shout that.
don’t know if this has been done,but I ain’t searching 41 pages of replies:
By Thaidog:
One Ring in a box? I burning they Warg!
It was a well known fact that Bilbo Baggins had gotten his ring from someone. He had claimed from some ugly toad of a creature gave it to him, but everyone knew that it was really made of cheap metal that turned your finger green. Well, it did that but it also had very evil powers. After while of having the ring, Bilbo gave it to Frodo and made off to some place with fancy elves. Frodo often stared at the ring, poked it and then put it up. After awhile, Gandalf came with fireworks. Two nosy hobbits set some on fire and got blown up. Merry and Pippen lived. Gandalf visited Frodo and saw the ring.
“Ah…Let me see that ring Frodo’h!” Gandalf turned Frodo’s name into an exclamation as he smacked his head on the low ceiling.
“Err…Here you are.”
Gandalf rubbed his head and looked over the ring.
“This is a very evil ring.” He said at last."
“Why?”
“Because it was made by Sauron.”
“Why?”
“Because he wanted to talk over Middle Earth.”
“Why?”
“Because…I don’t know.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t!”
“Why?”
“OH SHUT UP!”
“Yes sir.” Said the cowering Hobbit.
Gandalf turned and left shortly thereafter. Frodo looked down at the ring, it’s evil was already taking ahold of him. He was becomming gassy.
ELLESSAR’S SHIP TROOPERS – Robert Heinlein
(Sorry, I had to have a go, last part only makes sense if you read his later stuff)
Aragorn’s andurilblade sliced yet another Orc throat, it’s tempered Numenorite edge cut through dirty orc sinew like a laser through leather. Again he thanked his lucky stars that he was descended from a technologically advanced breed of supermen. But still the Orcers kept coming, as he readied himself his mind went back to the wise words of his Father Arathorn, the previous commander of the Dunedain Academy.
“Son the Orc, he ain’t like you or me, he don’t appreciate the beauty of the trees, the glory of the sunset or the freedom to pay your own way. All he wants is filth, blackness, orders and handouts of gruel from a nebulous higher authority. Remember son, Orcers aint folks, we are.
An earsplitting note rang out over the battlefield, it was Boromir’s sonic siren and it meant he was in deep trouble.
Meanwhile Gandalf rose upwards, ever upwards out of the dark, into a grey fuzziness. Could it be over he thought, done in by a blackhearted balrog after all these years of serving the light?
He thought of all the sweet things he had known in life. The craggy mountains of middle earth, the beautiful trees, the two rounded hills of Galadriels bosom rising and falling as she dropped her robe to the floor – not bad for 6000 years old he smiled, the sweet touch of Arwen’s lips on his body, what was it that made you so irresistible to Elfwomen as you got older he wondered, it must be that same charisma and gravitas that accrues to elderly and infirm writers.
As he entered the light, the realisation dawned “can I come back he asked? Will my colour be different? This time can I be a woma….
ALL YOUR RINGS ARE BELONG TO US
Hey! I just joined and haven’t had time to read 42 pages of posts yet… Anything a la “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” yet?
Don’t recall whether Buffy’s been done…There’s an index of sorts in this link: http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/index.html
Enjoy!
Yes, Buffy’s been done. Look on page 39 of this thread.
If you liked “The Wish” episode of Buffy, then you might enjoy reading chaptes 3 and 4 of “Legsy the Orc Slayer” on page 39 of this thread. It’s my twisted spin on that Buffy episode, LOTR-style.
"When telling the story of my friend Frodo’s life, it’s impossible to separate the fact from the fiction."
“Did you weally thwow the Wing into Mount Doom, Unca Fwodo?”
“Yes, Elanor, I did. I also met Dwarves, Trolls, Elves, giants and ghosts, and charmed everyone by opening my big blue eyes as wide as possible.”
Middle Earth, by Tom Stoppard
Rivendell. An open hall, with a marble table. A snail sits on the table, perched meditatively on a volume of Elven poetry. Frodo sits on an uncomfortable chair, trying to adjust his belt. An elf enters.
Elf: Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger . . . (he sees Frodo) . . . can I help you?
Frodo: Probably not.
Elf: All right. (exits)
Elrond enters.
Elrond: Mr. Baggins. May I . . . (notices the snail; to the snail: ) Hello, Lightning. Arwen’s been looking for you.
Frodo: About the ring . . .
Elrond: Of course, Mr. Baggins. Gandalf has asked me to summon all of our guests to a council this evening to discuss what is to be done with that fascinating artifact your uncle uncovered. It will be held in the gazebo - heaven knows what the dwarves would do to the marble in the hall. With any luck, we will not be subjected to another recitation of Legolas’s poetry while we wait.
Frodo: I saw his book. I thought I might pick it up wihle I waited for you, but it’s got . . .
Elrond: Metaphors that would make the Eldar weep?
Frodo: Slime.
Elrond: Exactly.
Frodo: No, I mean - slime. The snail’s been sitting on it for the past hour.
Elrond: It’s time for his walk anyway. Will you excuse me? (calling, as he exits left) Arwen, have you remembered Lightning’s leash?
Arwen: (from offstage) I hung it on the theodolite! (she enters right) Where’s father?
Frodo: What’s a theodolite?
Arwen: Haven’t a clue, actually. Who are you?
Frodo: My name is Baggins. Frodo Baggins. I’m a hobbit.
Arwen: You’re just in time for the council.
Frodo: Or the council’s just in time for me.
Arwen: I don’t go in for all that predestination stuff myself.
Frodo: You believe in free will?
Arwen: No, I just haven’t finished the equations yet. Coming?
Frodo: Who is?
Arwen: You. Are you?
Frodo: Am I?
Arwen: To the council.
Frodo: Ah. Yes, I think so.
Arwen: Excellent.
(she begins to exit, Frodo follows her)
Follow me . . . try not to fall in the ha-ha.
Frodo: (offstage) What’s a ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Arwen: (offstage) Oh dear.
The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of Middle Earth
by James Howard Kunstler
Do you have this problem? You walk out of The Prancing Pony on a rainy evening after a day of schlepping your weed-smoking hobbit posse across the tilt-up utopia of Second Breakfast Nation… and you forget where you are going?
Where the fuck am I? Rivendell? Gondor?
Oh, thank God, there’s the Eye of Sauron. Whew, that’s a load off my mind. Now I can march barefoot for months across the toxic waste, social alienation, and odious popular culture of the middleplex to Mordor.
Actually, I have a theory about the promiscuous deployment of Sauron’s orb. It’s a sort of supernatural totem, meant to protect the bearer against harm and distract us from the spectacle of ugliness and banality that we’ve created in this high-entropy society, protecting our sensibilities against the suspicion that we have become a land of wicked, self-destructive slobs.
If LOTR had been written by Don Marquis…
archy of the ring
hello, boss, just back from my vacation
mehitabel and I been to middle earth
to see wot all the fuss was about
big doings all over the place over
some ring everybody had the hots for
mehitabel says it the ring that is
was much too plain needed a diamond
on it she never goes for anything
less than two carats as if she would
ever be offered such a rock but still
she remains toujour gai toujour
gai nonetheless
so we ran into some short guys
with hairy feet and rode along
dodging a septet of nasties i never
saw em but frodo the one with the
ring he said they were most
unpleasant i took his word for that
then there was a strider character
who didn’t strike me as much better
but the short hairy footed guys took
to him like mehitabel takes to catnip
suddenly we were in this fancy place
with lots of odd looking ducks and
then it got real cold mehitabel said
she didn’t much care for that and
your humble correspondent was
forced to agree with her but still
it was better than that cave we was
lost in for a few days mehitabel got
a bit peckish since nobody remembered
to bring along any milk for her
damned inconsiderate of them i
opined and she was forced to agree
with my assessment of the situation but
toujour gai toujour gai says she
and so she was as best she could be
given the circumstances
there was some fighting here and there
and before long a couple of the short
hairy footed guys went to toss the ring
in a volcano which is a mountain with
a bad smoking habit seemed like a
waste of a perfectly good ring even if
it don’t have a diamond on it and once
again mehitabel found it in her heart to
concur with me
so now were back and mehitabel has
all the milk and catnip she can handle
and once again i archy your humble
correspondent can batter his brains
out on the keys of the old remington
as in days of eld the way a good post
soul transmigration vers libre poet
should i’ll sign off now and give the
keys a rest until tomorrow night
Boromir Costanza is sitting at a table in a cafe. Aragorn Seinfeld enters.
Boromir Costanza: What are you doing here? Where’s Frodo?
Aragorn Seinfeld: He left.
Boromir: He left? Whaddya mean, he left?
Aragorn: He left! He’s on his way to Mordor with the ring.
Boromir: What??
Aragorn: Ya know… Sam went with him.
Boromir: SAM?? He took Sam? Why didn’t he take me?
Aragorn: shrug
Boromir: I’ve gone to all this trouble to help him out, and he just leaves? Without a thank you or anything? getting agitated What kind of gratitude is that? Who does that? Was it something I did? Something I said?
Aragorn: Why’d you have to go and try to take the ring, you stupid idiot??
Boromir: Hey, we’re out there busting our humps so the rest of you can live in peace! We deserve that ring! We–
Aragorn: Orc behind you.
Boromir: Huh? dies
Aragorn: That’s a shame.
Much later, in Queens…
Denethor Costanza: (shouting) What happened to my son??
Aragorn: He, uh, he got killed by some orcs.
Denethor: Orcs?? Why didn’t you protect him?
Gandalf Kramer: You know, my friend Bob Saruman–
Aragorn: Wait a minute, is this the same Bob Saruman who turned out to be evil?
Gandalf: Well, yeah.
Aragorn: With the palantir, and the orc armies?
Gandalf: Yeah…
Aragorn: Ya know you can’t trust that guy!
Gandalf: Well, I think you’re wrong!
Aragorn: Gandalf, he imprisoned you on top of his tower!
Gandalf: What kind of society do we live in where we can’t forgive and forget, huh? Is that the kind of world you want to live in? Come on, Denethor, let’s go find Bob.
Denethor: Lemme go get my seeing stone.
Gandalf: Giddyup!
Aragorn: rolls eyes