If LOTR had been written by the Teeming Millions

And before we start, yes, I know I’m going to regret starting this thread eventually, but what the hell. Let’s just try to keep it pleasant, okay?

Gollum flapped his long slimy fingers desperately. “Where isssss it. It’ssss gone … my precioussssss.” He searched everywhere to no avail. “Hobbitses took it. Nasty hobbitses …with their nasty sharp knives.” Gollum began to sob pitifully, knowing that having been robbed of his “ring” he would never be able to completely satisfy a woman ever again.

The Lord of the Rings by Jack Dean Tyler

I’m regretting it already.

Brought a tear to my eye.

So what’s with this ring, already? Isn’t it just a way for the imperialist fascist capitalist elite to crush the masses through starvation and depraved indifference in their insane campaign to consolidate their own power and ensuring their ability to keep illiterate foreign children making designer Ranger Boots for 10 coppers a day?

  • Imperialist Despot of the Rings, by Chumpsky

The ring is truly a transparent means of inserting quasi-mendacity of virtual counter-intelligence into the realm of the flirtation of suicidal thought.

  • The Fortuitous Simplicity of Grandiose Virtual Ring Feriociousness by Justhink

“The Ring rightfully belongs to Sauron” said Frodo with a bit of reluctance “Bilbo took the ring from Gollum by fraud (“What have I got in my pocket” isn’t a legitimate riddle), Gollum took it from Deagol by coersion, and ultimately the Ring was taken from Sauron by Isildur by force and it’s immoral to use force to deprive people of their rightful property. Maybe we should reconsider destroying it and return it to sauron…” Frodo’s voice trailed off.

“Fool of a Baggins!” said Gandalf, eyes flashing, “Don’t you realize that Sauron uses the Rings to coerce people? Besides, he lost the Ring after he initiated force against his neighbors AND destroyed their property? The Ring was proper compensation for the damage Isildur suffered, so it’s rightfully his. Once he lost it, it should have gone to his heir.”

“I see.” said Frodo. “It’s all clear to me now. Aragorn?” he said, turning to Isildur’s last descendant.

“Don’t look at me” said Aragorn. “I already said I don’t want the damned thing. It’s yours.”

“I wonder,” asked Boromir “if, before we do something rash, we could discuss the parallels between Gandalf’s insistance to destroy the Ring (which is only a weapon, really) and his stance on magic-control? I firmly believe that the right to bear magic is the right to be free…”

- An Examination of the Ethical Implications of Ring-destruction in Light of Libertarian Principals by Libertarian


PS: Libertarian, this is NOT meant as anything other than being playful. I enjoy and value our discussions about libertarianism…and other topics. :slight_smile:

in General Questions:
How does a Ring of Power make me invisible?

and you know someone would ask for a cite.

MORDOPE!!! and ring toss this February!

in The BBQ Pit:
@#&&*!ing Hobbittses Stole my Precious!!!

Gandalf: You have been warned about information concerning controlled substances. No more pipe-weed posts. Illegal activities are not supported by the Straight Dope.

Suppose you have a game show on which the first prize is a Ring of Power.
The host (not of Mordor!) asks you to choose one of three doors. Behind two of them is something worthless like a broken sword (obviously not Narsil!).
You choose a door (and prepare to say ‘Mellon’!).
Assume the host knows what is behind each door. He opens another door, revealing a tree stump (bad Saruman!).
Do you make another choice?

  • innumerable posters

P.S. Why is abbreviated a long word?

In the Pit, it would wind up looking something like this…


Gandalf: “The ring must be taken to Mordor and thrown into the fires of Mt. Dhoom. That is the only place it can be destroyed.”

Everyone: “Cite?”

You realize, of course, that this will soon devolve into a debate between Elves and Men as to who should control Middle Earth. Some hateful things will be said, and a 76 page, 55,051 posts, 13,009,986,374 views Pit thread will start because someone thought Nazgul was a racial slur.

Tolkien by KayKay

In a hole there lived a Hobbit. And man, that was a real appropriate place for him to live, too! You otta’ see what that little dude could do with his…BANNED/BANNED/BANNED

Blast it! Beaten out by 10 minutes!

I could post a Chumpsky rant about evil Elvish oppressors of proletarian Orcs, but it ain’t worth it. :stuck_out_tongue:

Newbie: So, I’ve got this bet with my brother–what’s the other word that rhymes with “Isildur?”

Cite my furry ass, thought Frodo, fingering the ring in his pocket.
Gandalf hadn’t come right out and said that the magic dingus would make him irresistable to women, but if he could get his hands into Minnie Amplebosom’s blouse he’d be halfway there. And who was to know how short something was if it were bloody invisible?
He’s heard Sam the gardner talking about them at the pub. “Ample” was the word he used. “Like two coneys fighting under a blanket”. He’s best that son of a bitch. Besides, Sam might have an accident. Trip over an invisible ankle, or have his brains knocked out by an invisible single tree.
Frodo was looking forward to the long expected party.

“But Gandalf,” gasped Frodo, “what shall I do with the ring?”

Gandalf considered the young hobbit and informed him that he must return the ring from whence it was forged.

“Where is that?” asked Frodo.

To which Gandalf replied …

I hope that helps, young Frodo."
– Duck Duck Goose.
(somebody was going to do it)

Seen in Cafe Society

“Has anybody read this?”

** Newbie**
Registered: January 2003
Posts: 1

“A few years ago I read this story - a longish one that might’ve spanned a few books. It was about these elves and stuff that were out on this quest to either A. Return this ring to it’s rightful owner. or B. Destroy the ring (as I said, it’s been a while). I don’t remember much about the characters, but there was this dope-smoking hippie wizard in it. Does anybody know what book I’m talking about?”

Look at this! 17 posts and already this thread is WAY off topic. look back at the OP, dammit!

Mods, please move this thread to MPSIMS where they can talk about anything they want.

Mine was on topic!
Do I get a cookie or a coffee mug or something?

So. There was a ring. I had a ring one time, it was pretty and shiny and yellow. I gave it to Soupo to hold one day, and he gave it to Katcha, who promptly dropped it and it ended up being eaten by the dog. But there was a ring. It was powerful. I had a chainsaw that was powerful, but I will tell you that story later. The powerful ring made everyone very upset. I got upset the other day when the vanpool was late. I mean, I am never late for vanpool, but you never know what other people are up to in the mornings, when they’re supposed to be taking your kid to pre-school and instead they’re picking up their drycleaning. I worked for a drycleaner. I found a ring in the pocket one time. It was shiny.

-Rue de Day