If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
282

More Shakespeare! I find this a particularly moving soliloquy:

Piplet III.i

Piplet, Prince of Tookmark:
To eat, or not to eat: that is the question.
Whether 'tis healthier for the stomach to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous hunger,
Or to take arms against a lack of meals,
And by opposing end it? To feast: to dine;
No more; and by a dinner to say we end
The tummy-ache and thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a second breakfast
Devoutly to be wish’d. To feast, to smoke;
To smoke: perchance with pipeweed: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that cloud of leaf what dreams may come
When we have finished with our tea and cakes,
Must give us pause: there’s the leaf
That slows the pain of such long famine;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of misséd meals,
The ranger’s ignorance of elevensies,
The pangs of empty stomachs, the lembas’ taste,
The scarcity of pints and the spurns
That hungry hobbits of the unworthy take,
When they themselves might their hunger slake
With a full luncheon? Who would Ent droughts drink,
To quench one’s thirst but have nothing to chew,
But that the dread of something after fasting,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No halfling e’er returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather eat those apples we have
Than look for mushrooms that we’d rather have?
Thus cravings do make cowards of us all;
And thus the standard of six meals a day
Is sicklied o’er with this stupid quest,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment,
Like getting rid of that annoying ring,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the chance for supper.

283

Hobbits in Love, by D. H. Lawrence

Sauron knew himself to be evil; he knew himself to be the equal, if not far the superior, of anyone he was likely to meet in Middle Earth. He knew he was accepted in the world of evil and of power. He was a Dark Lord, a medium for the spreading of evil. With all that was highest, whether in society or in thought or in public action, or even in forging magic rings, he was at one, he moved among the foremost, at home with them. No one could put him down, no one could make a mock of him, because he stood among the first, and those that were below him, either in rank, or in wealth, or in high association of thought and progress and understanding. So, he was invulnerable. All his life, he had sought to make himself invulnerable, unassailable, beyond reach of Middle Earth’s judgement.

And yet his soul was tortured, exposed. Even in his tower of Barad-Dur, confident as he was that in every respect he stood beyond all vulgar judgement, knowing perfectly that his appearance was complete and perfect, according to the first standards, yet he suffered a torture, under his confidence and his pride, feeling himself exposed to wounds and to mockery and to despite. He always felt vulnerable, vulnerable, there was always a secret chink in his armour. He did not know himself what it was. It was a lack of robust self, he had no natural sufficiency, there was a terrible void, a lack, a deficiency of being within him.

And he wanted something to close up this deficiency, to close it up forever. He craved for his ring. When it was on his finger, he felt complete, he was sufficient, whole. For the rest of time he was established on the sand, built over a chasm, and, in spite of all his vanities and securities, any common hobbit of positive, robust temper could fling him down this bottomless pit of insufficiency, by the slightest toss of the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom. And all the while the pensive, tortured Dark Lord piled up his own defenses of orcs, and Nazgul, and palantir-visions, and disinterestedness. Yet he could never stop up the terrible gap of insufficiency.

If only the ring would form a close and abiding connection with him, he would be safe during this fretful voyage of life. It could make him sound and triumphant, triumphant over the very wizards of Middle Earth. If only he could claim it! But he was tortured with fear, with misgiving. He made himself frightening, he strove so hard to come to that degree of fearfulness and advantage, when he should be so convinced. But always there was a deficiency.

The current Ringbearer was perverse too. He fought him off, he always fought him off. The more he strove to bring the ring back to him, the more the hobbit battled him back. And he and the ring had been lovers now, for years. Oh, it was so wearying, so aching; he was so tired. But still he believed in himself. He knew the hobbit was trying to destroy the ring. He knew the halfling was trying to break away from its hold finally, to be free. But still Sauron believed in his strength to recapture the ring, he believed in his own higher power. His own power was high, he was the central touchstone of evil. He only needed his conjunction with the ring.

Followed by 450 more pages of navel-gazing, self-important characters who never really do anything but talk to eachother…

284

Thank you! I read this entire thread, and was about to write a Robert Jorden one just because no one else would! Thank you thank you!

:slight_smile:

By the way, I think this entire discussion is absolutely fantastic. I just stumbled in from theonering.net a bit ago and read through all of the posts. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

~Limmenel~

285

is!
()Anarwa na Vanye(): In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. That’s not to say that all hobbits live in holes in the ground, or to deny this because this particular hobbit the habitat he throuroughly enjoyed. Hobbits could as easily live in large homes and estates mostly anywhere they wished. Being a hobbit, Bilbo was vertically-challenged and heavines-endowed (note that this did not make hobbits inferior to the taller or less-obese peoples of Middle Earth, or even that all hobbits are so socially challenged. On the contrary, Bilbo’s condition was a product of his diet and environment, and not a limiting factor in the least.)
–A Politically Correct ‘Hobbit’

286

OK, this is a work in progress and I hope others will join in and help me with it…you don’t have to keep going in order, just add what strikes you as apt!

The Lord of the Rings: The Rock Opera
with music (so far) by The Who, the Beatles, Blondie, Queen, Jerry Lee Lewis, and the SHangriLas.

Act One: The Fellowship of the Ring

Scene I: Gandalf Arrives:

Hobbit Chorus sings:
He’s a damn good Wizard
He’s always got a trick!
He’s a shit disturber
With his magic stick…
We ain’t seen any like him
Comin’ to the Shire–
That grey bearded old guy
Sure wields the Secret Fire!

Scene II: A Long Expected Party

Frodo to Bilbo:
You say it’s your birthday
Well it’s my birthday too yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time …

Hobbit Chorus:
Yes we’re going to a party party
Yes we’re going to a party party
Yes we’re going to a party party

Frodo to Sam:
I would like you to dance with Rosie (birthday)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (birthday)

Sam to Rosie:
I would like you to dance (birthday)
All:
Dance!!!

Scene III: The Shadow of the Past
Frodo:
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Even though I’m not have the height I ought to be,
And a Shadow’s coming after me
I’ll take the Ring and go away…
Yesterday, the Shire was the place for me to play,
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Scene IV: The Black Riders

Ringwraith # 1 begins:
One way or another I’m gonna find ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I’m gonna win ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha

All wraiths chime in:
One way or another we’re gonna see ya
We’re gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
We’re gonna meetcha, We’re gonna meetcha, We’ll meetcha
We will ride past your house
And if the lights are all down
We’ll see who’s around…

Frodo:

One way or another I’m gonna lose ya
I’m gonna give you the slip, a slip of the lip or another
I’m gonna lose ya, I’m gonna trick ya
One way or another I’m gonna lose ya

Merry, Pippin and Sam chime in:
We;re gonna trick ya trick ya trick ya trick ya
One way or another We’re gonna lose ya
We’re gonna give you the slip

Scene V: Bree

Wraiths, standing over hobbits’ beds and stabbing:

Dum Dum Dum, another one bites the dust,
Dum Dum Dum, another one bites the dust,
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust…

They realize it’s not the hobbit and let out a shriek and exit

Scene VI: Amon Sul
Chief Nazgul, stabbing Frodo:
Now I’m gonna get ya I’m gonna win ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha…

Aragorn, leaping at them with a torch and dispatching them one by one:

Reprise:
Dum Dum Dum, another one bites the dust,
Dum Dum Dum, another one bites the dust,
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust…

Hobbits:

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

Scene VI: In the Wild

Arwen to Strider: What’s this, a Ranger caught off his guard?

Pippin to Merry [spoken]:
Is she really going out with him?

Merry to Pippin [spoken]:
Well, there she is. Let’s ask her…
By the way, where’d you meet him?

Arwen (singing again):
I met him up at Rivendell…
[speaking again] But we don’t have time for that now! I’ve been seeking you for two days! Where have you been?

Merry, Pippin and Sam sing to Arwen:

We met them up at Weathertop!
They hunted us and stabbed our friend–
You get the picture?

Arwen: Yes, I see!

Strider: That’s when he fell to–The Leader of the Naz!

Hobbits:
The wraiths were knocking all of us down (down down)
Arwen: The Nazgul come from the wrong side of town
Hobbits: Whatcha mean when ya say that they came from the wrong side of town?
Arwen: MORDOR!
Hobbits: Strider TOLD us they were bad
Frodo put on the Ring, it drove him mad,
That’s why he fell to…the leader of the Naz!

Arwen: It’s time to find someone new
To heal your Frodo or he’ll be through
Hobbits: Whatcha mean when ya say that ya better go find somebody new?
Arwen: My dad, Elrond!

Sam:
I cried “Frodo, Frodo, Frodo!” (do, do)
But whether he heard, I’ll never know!
Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!
I felt so helpless, what could I do?
Remembering all the things we’d been through…

Frodo (weakly):
I’ll never forget him–the leader of the Naz!

287

(this post was pointed out to me by a friend… had to add my two cents, heck, this is my first post!)

Franz Kafka:
And so here was the enemy, free and fresh, in festive garb, with a small gold ring on his finger, probably the Dark Lord’s own ring, and with a fearless intention of trying above all to destroy this ring. All seven gentlemen were already his friends, for while the men may once have had or perhaps merely pretended to have certain qualms about him, they now could probably find absolutely no fault with Frodo after the harm done to them by Sauron. One could not deal severely enough with a man like the Hobbit, and if Sauron could be reproached for anything, it was for failure to subdue Frodo’s recalcitrance in the course of time- enough to keep him from daring to face the Dark Lord today.

Now one could perhaps assume that the confrontation between the Frodo and Sauron would fail to have its effect on human beings such as it would appropriately have before a higher tribunal, for even if Sauron managed to attack, he might not necessarily go through with it all the way. A brief flare-up would be enough to make his nasty character obvious to this Fellowship- Gandalf wanted to make sure of that. By now, he was already casually acquainted with the shrewdness, the weaknesses, the whims of these individuals, and in this respect the time already spent here had not been wasted. If only the ringbearer had done a better job of standing his ground, but he seemed utterly incapably of putting up a fight. Had Sauron now been thrust out to him, the Hobbit would no doubt have pummeled that hated skull with his fists, yet he was probably unable to take the few steps separating them. Why had Gandalf not managed to forsee something that could be forseen so easily- namely, that Sauron was bound to show up eventually, if not of his own accord, then at least to protect the ring…

Robert Heinlen

Most of Helms Deep Square Black One was as flat as the prairie around the Shire, and much more barren. For this I was thankful; it gave us our only chance of spotting an Orc coming from below and getting him first. We were spread out so widely that between waves of a fast sweep was as tight a patrol as we could manage. This isn’t tight enough; any one spot would remain free of observation for at least three or four minutes between patrol waves- and a lot of orcs can come out of a very small hole in three to four minutes. Magic can see farther than eye, of course, but it cannot see as accurately. In addition we did not dare use anything but short range selective weapons- our mates were spread around us in all directions. If an Orc popped up and you let fly with something lethal, it was certain that not too far beyond that Orc was an Elvish archer; this sharply limits the range and force of the frightfulness you dare use.

288

The Lord of the Matrix

Orc lieutenant: I dispatched a band of Uruk-hai. Eastward across the plain. They’re bringing the hobbits back now.
Saruman: No, lieutenant, your orcs are already dead.

Bilbo: Have you ever had that feeling, Gandalf? Where you’re not quite sure if you’re just spread out like butter over too much bread?
Gandalf: Yeah, all the time. It’s called Ring-bearing. It’s the only way to fly. Hey it sounds to me like you just need to unplug man, you know? Get some R&R?

Aragorn: [on a cell phone, calling from the other side of the Pracing Pony] Do you know who this is?
Frodo: Strider.
Aragorn: Yes. I’ve been looking for you, Frodo, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They’re coming for you, Frodo, and I don’t know what they’re going to do.
Frodo: Who’s coming for me?
Aragorn: Stand up and see for yourself.
Frodo: What? Now?
Aragorn: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
[Frodo sees 3 Nazgul at the door.]
Frodo: Oh shit!
Aragorn: Yyyyeeeessss.

Aragorn: Ooh, squiddy’s sweeping in quick.
Frodo: Squiddy?
Aragorn: Nazgul, ringwraiths. Killing machines designed for one thing. Search and destroy.

Gandalf: Bilbo? The Bilbo? The one who beat the crap out of that dragon Smaug? Jesus.
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: I just thought… you were older.
Bilbo: Most wizards do.

Gandalf: Most of my fellowship you already know. This is Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir. The little one behind you is Gimli.

Balrog: The great Gandalf. We meet at last.
Gandalf: And you are?
Balrog: A Balrog. Agent Balrog.
Gandalf: You all look the same to me!

Galadriel: I’d ask you to sit down, but you’re not going to anyway. And don’t worry about the mirror.
Frodo: What mirror? [Frodo knocks Galadriel’s mirror off its table, spilling water everywhere.]
Galadriel: That mirror.

Boromir: Not like this. Not like this.

Saruman: Have you ever stood and stared at it, Gandalf? Marveled at its beauty? Its genius? … Evolution, Gandalf. Evolution. Like the Ent-wives.

Gimli: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Legolas: Arrows. Lots of arrows.

289

Notes from Underground, Being the Diary of Rodion Smeagolnikov

Part One: Crime
Friday
I’m not sure when it came to me that I wanted to bite the finger off this hobbit who stole my high school class ring. It might have been when my friend Kirilov, who’s a nihilist, told me to read Nietszche’s “Beyond Good and Evil”, and I realized that I was really a Superman, not just plain old Rodya Smeagolnikov, a meek, poor computer student living in a dank old hole and going nights to Stoorville Technical Gymnasium. Why shouldn’t I? I mean, rules are for ordinary people, not Supermen, right? Why should I let Frodo Drogovich get away with it?

Monday
I’m going to do it, I’m going to bite off Frodo Drogovich’s finger! Then everyone will see how great I am, maybe I’ll even get a job offer from Barad-dur Technologies!

Wednesday
Dream about a horse. I think I have epilepsy. They want me to take another pill. Maybe I’ll just go off the Ritalin and Prozac. Supermen don’t need medication!

Friday
OK, I ran into some snags. That slave-mentality goody goody greasy haired frat boy named Aragorn Arathornovich grabbed me and made fun of my Superman costume, so I nixed that. But I got away from him and found some Frodo Drogovich and his pal Samovar Samwisovich and I DID IT, I bit the finger off Frodya! Broke a tooth ‘cause the dude was wearing my ring. Shit.

Part Two: Punishment

Saturday
The thing is, to be truthful, it was gross biting off a finger, not fun, and now I feel GUILTY so I guess I’m not a Superman after all. My brother Alyosha and my sister Sonya were right. You shouldn’t do bad things. This cop’s been following me around, telling me if I agree to go back on my meds, get therapy and lay off the Nietszche, he can get me a shorter sentence at Siberia Juvie. But what kind of life is that? I’m just going to take the finger, my ring, my copy of “Beyond Good and Evil”, and jump in the River!

Epilogue
Somebody pulled me out. I ended up in Juvie, but I’ve found Jesus thanks to this priest, Father Zossima, and now everything is great with me. Well, OK it’s not, nobody buys this epilogue. Actually I drowned but that’s so downbeat.

290

If Bill Waterson took on Lord of the Rings

Calvin and Hobbes.
A quest thought the house to get to the cookies while avoiding the baby sitter.
Calvin: Frodo
Hobbes: Gandalf
Roslyn: Sauron/Saraman

Open on Calivin’s bedroom, again unfairly sent to bed by Roslyn just after his parents leave for a night out.
Alone in bed Calvin looks out the window and makes a wish on the first star he sees.
Calvin: I wish there was a way I could get past Roslyn without getting into trouble like last time, but she took away my Stupendous man costume.

The door bursts open. A tall dark shadow stand in the door holding a staff and wearing a pointy hat. Calvin, wide eyed, pulls the covers up under his chin.

The drama is broken as the figure reaches up and switched on the light. It turns out to be Hobbes in a paper hat holding a toilet brush.

Hobbes:“Neato effects huh?”
Calvin: Who are you, Peter Jackson all of a sudden?

Next strip.

Hobbes standing next to the bed in his paper hat holding onto the toilet brush.
Hobbes: Roslyn sent you to bed at six o’clock?”
Calvin: Yeah! She’s still mad about me locking her boyfriend Chuck in the basement last time and not telling her. She needs to stop living in the past.
Hobbes: Well I think I’ve got an idea that will cheer you up.
Calvin: If you hid sardines in the bed again you’re going to get it and how.

Next strip.

Hobbes sitting on the bed in hat with brush in his lap. Calvin staring at him in astonishment.
Calvin: A quest? Like what? To foil an evil alien invasion? To save the world form over education?
Hobbes: Better than that, we’re going to destroy a ring!
Calvin: Oh no, count me out. Mom won’t let me anywhere near her jewelry box ever since that little incident with the buried Pirate treasure in the toilet.

Next strip.

Same scene.
Calvin looking at a small object in his hands: What is it?
Hobbes: It’s a Ring of Power. With it you can turn invisible!
Calvin: What does the inscription say?
Hobbes: It is written in the black speech of Odor, but in the common tongue it is a most terrible curse!
Calvin: It looks like it says “Roslyn, class of 2004.”
Hobbes: Fool of a Mook! Do not speak the black speech here!

Next strip
Calvin’s bedroom door. Calvin to one side, Hobbes to the other. Calvin peers out the slight opening.
Calvin: So you’re telling me that if we destroy this ring Roslyn’s powers as a babysitter will be destroyed as well?
Hobbes: Yup! And you’ll be free to sit up and eat cookies and watch TV all night long!
Calvin: And she’ll have to do anything I say?
Hobbes: Right again!
Calvin: Look out video store, here we come!
Hobbes: Vampire Vixens of Venus at last!

Next strip,
At the foot of the stairs, Calvin and Hobbes look around the corner and see Roslyn sitting on the couch reading with headphones on.
Calvin: This is going to be a snap! If I put the ring on it’ll make me invisible and I can walk right past her to the kitchen and drop it into the garbage disposal!
Hobbes: Oh no! You can’t put it on! If you do her evil radar power will pick you out and we’ll be done for for sure!
Calvin looking shocked: What kind of a stupid ring of power is that? Why not just have a foghorn on it and shout as we walk into the mouth of doom!
Roslyn getting up from the couch and taking the headphones off: Calvin? If you’re out of bed I’m going to tie you to the bedpost!
Hobbes pushing Calvin: Quick! Into the basement! It’s our only chance!

Next strip: Sunday full color.

Artwork: The fellow ship walk down a flight of stairs. Calvin as the Ring bearer.
Voice over: We walked the dark and lonely caverns of Moria, the bodies of fallen dwarves surrounding us. The threat of attack looming ever present. The stink of Orks hangs heavy in the air.

Artwork: The fellowship stand at the crossroads in Moria, Gandalf aka Hobbes pauses to try and remember the way.
Voice over: The quest to destroy the ring and seems cursed at every turn. Trapped here in the darkness we can only wonder at what evils the dark lord is causing on the outside world.

Artwork: The great hall of the Dwarven city
Voiceover: We gaze at a place long forgotten; in Awe and sadness, yet we press ever onward. But in the darkness unseen eyes track us.

Artwork: The fellowship look around in a panic as the sound of drums thunder in the air.
Voice over: Our luck was stretched to thin! Now the hordes will soon be upon us by the thousands and all will be lost in the city of the dead!

Artwork: The Barlog with the army of orks along side it rear up out of the darkness. The fellowship flees for their lives.
Voice over: The Creature of a time before time has come! A great fiery apparition as tall as a mountain lumbers through the great hall after the heroes. Doom seems certain! There is no fighting and no escape!

Artwork switches from fantasy back to reality.
Hobbes: It’s only the furnace coming on!
Calvin: Forsooth, I knew that! Now help me get out of the Dryer! I’m stuck!

Next strip

Hobbes holding a flashlight shines it up an old set of stairs: Hey, this must be the storm cellar door outside! We can get out here!
Calvin: Great idea, then what? Wait around outside until Mom and Dad get home and try to explain what I’m doing out in the dark in my pajamas with my dumb tiger?
Hobbes: Well it’s either out this door or we stay here and you starve.
Calvin: What do you mean me? You haven’t got anything to eat either!
Hobbes gives Calvin the “predatory” grin.
Calvin: Ok, give me a boost will you? The bottom step is broken.

Next strip
Outside the storm cellar doors.
Calvin: Ok Mister Wizard, we’re outside, now what?
Hobbes: I dunno, I’m tiered of doing all the thinking on this quest. You think of something.
Susie Derkins looks out her window and sees them both. She opens the window and calls to them.
Susie: Calvin? What on earth are you doing outside?
Calvin in a panicked voice: Egad! It’s the Elf Witch! She’s come to get us!

Next strip
Outside between Susie and Calvin’s houses, Susie is talking to Calvin from her bedroom window.
Susie: So you got locked in the basement and didn’t want to get in trouble so you came out this way?
Calvin: Forsooth and verily. The Wizard tiger and I are on a quest!
Susie: Yeah, right. How are you going to get back in?
Calvin eyeing the drainpipe of his own house: The wizard tiger is going to cook up a flying spell and we’re going to go back in through my bedroom window.
Susie walks away from her window: Right hang on a second.
Susie returns to the window: Here, You parents gave my parents a spare key for emergencies, just give it back tomorrow before anyone knows it’s missing.
Calvin Bows gracefully: Zounds, thou art truly a fair and just queen of the Elves and we are honored by your gifts.
Suzie: What ever, I just don’t want to be waken up by an ambulance coming to take you away after you fall off the roof.
Hobbes now animated since Susie is gone: Heh heh. Smoochie smoochie with the elf lady eh?
Calvin: Oh shut up.

Next strip
The back door to the house, in the kitchen.
Calvin: This is great! We can ditch the ring in the garbage disposal and destroy Roslyn’s babysitter powers before she knows what’s happening!
Hobbes: Lucky break for us! Then it’s cookies and tuna for everyone!
They open the door and start to sneak in. Roslyn steps around the corner she was hiding behind.
Roslyn: Ha! I got you now!
Calvin: The Ring! Quick where is it? We can turn invisible and get away!
Hobbes: you had it! I gave it to you!
Calvin: No you didn’t you bumbling old half-wit wizard!
Hobbes: Yes I did you half pint little…
Fight ensues, Roslyn sighs.

Next strip
Same scene
Roslyn reaches down and picks up a struggling Calvin and an inanimate Hobbes breaking up the “fight”.
Ros: I don’t know what you’ve been up to or why you were outside but I just know it’s going to be as bad as the superhero bit!
Calvin: But… How did you know? We didn’t put on your ring!
Ros: So that’s why I found it on the floor next to the basement stairs! I thought I just left it in the bathroom! What were you going to do with… Never mind I don’t want to know.
Last frame: Calvin and Hobbes in bed looking disgruntled.
Calvin: Now what?
Hobbes: Either the land will be covered in an age of darkness or she tells your parents.
Calvin: I’m hoping for the darkness thing.

End.

291

Excerpt from:
“The Lord of the Rings” by Marian Keyes

Walking alongside Aragorn, Frodo would have looked rather small if Arwen had been there to see. From a distance she would have looked at the two and wondered if Frodo had been sent through some sort of shrinking machine (as found in many a science fiction film).
Behind them dawdled the other hobbits, Merry and Pippin. Despite the lack of female presence, life continued for the four males. At least, though, they were on their way to Rivendell, Arwen’s primary residence. With the three hobbits and the one man, Arwen would have wondered whether they had all been put through a shrinking machine, or if Aragorn had, in fact, been sent through a growing machine. Arwen wouldn’t have cared though, as long as Aragorn was close to her won height. She couldn’t stand men who were short. It was such a problem, her being an elf and all. But when she hit 3000 and still wasn’t married, she realised she’d better stop being so fussy. Although she had forever to find a man as she was immortal, she didn’t WANT to wait forever.
Arwen slept in loneliness night after bleak night in Rivendell, forced by her restrictive father to stay, and not to wander into the hazards of the outside world. When one day her love of long ago, Aragorn Valentine, arrived in Rivendell, she almost didn’t know what to do with herself.
His unchained masculinity and knowing glances of remembrance tore at her very essence until she just couldn’t take it anymore. She decided: this was the man she would marry, whether her father liked it or not! She whipped immortality out the ivory-framed window and whisked herself into Aragorn’s arms.

292

Ha! Myth, that’s the best!
Gandolf: It was the year of fire,
Sauron: The year of destruction,
Aragorn: The year we took back what was ours.
Halidir: It was the year of rebirth,
Frodo: The year of great sadness,
Boromir: The year of pain,
Eowen: And a year of joy.
Aragorn: It was a new age.
Galadrial: It was the end of history.
Elrond: It was the year everything changed.
Gollum: The year issss…the year I losstss my Preciousss again. Filthy Hobbitssses. Losssst!
Treebeard: The… place…, Middle… Earth

~Lord of the Babylon Rings. (or something)
J. Michael Straczynski

293

Ragsdale, loved your e.e.cummings! One thing though: e.e. never uses capital letters. You might want to change that.

:slight_smile:

294

Just for fun :stuck_out_tongue:

Mario Puzo (The Godfather)

 "Saruman, you are a powerful man with powerful friends. You are a man to be respected. And so it is on this day that I come to you, in friendship, with all respect, to seek your council.

 You see, my young friend, Frodo, he has a problem."

Saruman nodded understandingly.

"He has this ring, a beautiful ring, but I feel it is an evil ring."

Saruman sipped his wine, stroked his chin, and began to speak.

"And you want it destroyed?"

"Yes, yes! You understand everything. Can you help me, my oldest and most trusted friend?"

"This, I cannot do --"

"Saruman --"

"Now you understand, it makes no difference to me what a man does with his belongings, or his time, unless they should conflict with my own.

Join me, Gandalf. And if an honest man such as yourself should have enemies, then they would become my enemies, and then they would fear you."

"Saruman, i knew you as a mean of integrity, a man of wisdom, but most of all a man of reason."

"Gandalf.. you're nothing to me now, not a wizard, not a friend. You broke my heart, Gandalf."

                                              ***

Frodo Baggins sat at the Prancing Pony tavern sipping on his ale. Suddenly a moth flew to him and landed on his lap. He asked Strider what it meant.

"It is an old Wizard message; It means Gandalf the Grey sleeps with the eagles."
295

Some suggestions for alternate LotR versions:

Based on Literary works

Walker Percy, the story set perhaps in Feliciana Parish, Louisiana, with the Ring = Heavy Sodium; or, for an even tougher challenge, in the sardonic multiple-choice question and answer “self-help book” style of his nonfictional “Lost in the Cosmos.”

Bulwer-Lytton (this would obviously have to begin with “It was a dark and stormy night.”)

Hamlet’s soliloquy “To be or not to be.” Yes, a humorous take on this has been posted, but I can envision a serious one with Frodo/Hamlet near the Cracks of Doom musing over whether or not he should destroy the Ring–and, most likely, himself in the process.

William Hope Hodgson’s “The Night-Land”

H. Rider Haggard (a la “King Solomon’s Mines” or “She”)

Ian Fleming (“My name is Baggins. Frodo Baggins.”) Perhaps it’d be called “The Man with the Golden Ring” or “Gold-ringer”.
Other popular media:

What about “Star Trek: The Next Generation”? It’d be great if you could work in the Borg (Sauron/Borg King: “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.”) and maybe Q. Of course, you could alternatively set it as an adventure on the Holodeck, which would have one of its notorious malfunctions. Just casting this could be fun: Picard=Aragorn or maybe Gandalf? Legolas=Data? Worf=Gimli? (Let’s leave Wesley Crusher out of the picture, though, ok?)

Doonesbury (This one could be fun, I think)

MASH (I prefer the TV show to the movie)

And, that (tongue in cheeck) classic of TV classics: GILLIGAN’S ISLAND!!! Let’s, see, Gilligan, Skipper, Professor, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and (what’s her name? Ginger?)–that makes 7. Not quite enough for the Fellowship. Oh well. Maybe you could thrown in a few guest stars.

How about a Time Magazine man of the year piece on Aragorn or Frodo?

296

This is the greatest thread ever.

Someone please please please do an Anne Rice one. If i get some time later i will try myself.

297

ARAGORN: Hey Gimli?

GIMLI: What?

ARAGORN: What do they call a Big Mac in Erebor?

GIMLI: A side of bear haunch.

ARAGORN: Man, you dwarves are f***ed up!

GIMLI: That ain’t nothing. We call a quarter pounder a Mega Mithirel.

ARAGORN: What?

GIMLI: Yeah, we use the metric system or s*** like that.

ARAGORN: What do you call a Whopper?

GIMLI: Don’t know, never been in a Burger King.

298

Sorry, guys! It was bound to happen!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

From the red book, ‘Journal of Whills’—
Many ages ago, in a world not
so far away. . .

                    THE
                   LORD
                 OF THE
                  RINGS
               EPISODE I
  'FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING'

Years have passed since the fall of the Dark Lord. Since
Sauron’s death, many have felt that the threat from Mordor
was nullified, and not something to be feared again.

Unbeknownst to the planet, a Ring, forged by the
Dark Lord to preserve his power and enslave the world,
was stolen from his hand, and eventually found by a
decrepit being, Smeagol.

As the Council of Elrond endlessly debates over these
late affairs, Gandalf the Grey is sent to Hobbiton, on a
mission that could secure the One Ring, and bring peace
once again to the world. . . .

299

I’ve only been able to come up with the beginning of this, which could probably stand improvement:

(Trumpets: dat dah dat dah dat da da da…)

Smeagol was a selfish thing,
And he found a magic ring.
Bound by wild desire
He fell in to the Crack of Fire.
…

300

PROLOGUE:

Two Towers, both in same dark reverie,
In Middle Earth, where we lay our scene,
From ancient war, One Ring’s new mutiny,
Where Entish blood makes wizard hands unclean.
For thus the fatal eye of Sauron sees -
A pair of star-cross’d Hobbitts Mordor seek;
While piteous Gollum with Elvish rope is towed
To flaming end will Smeagol’s life still creep.
On fearful passage do the Rohan go,
And the constancy of a shield-maiden’s crush,
Which, but for Faromir, would have no end,
Means now that Aragorn must stanch his lust;
And Arwyn’s bed at later date attend.
What Tooks shall miss, Gandalf shall strive to mend.

:smiley:

301

Mythew, did you see Get Fuzzy a few weeks ago? Great stuff there.