If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

My name is Baggins. Frodo Baggins. 00Hobbit, license to quest.

Oh Frodo! Last night was magnificient! Stay with me here in Lothlorien forever.

I cahn’t Galadriel. The Grey Wizard, G, gave me an assignment to infiltrate Mordor, & destroy the One Ring.

I know, and when I take the Ring from your corpse, I shall rule in glory, and all shall love me and despair. Last night was Heaven, Mr. Baggins. Now go there.

BANG-BANG-BANG!

ARRRGH!

Galadriel, a Double Agent. Well, well, well. Too bad. But, I always preferred my elves shaken, not stirred. And certainly not shot.
No. not e.e. cummings. Guess again. :wink: :smiley: :cool:

Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast
Of that Forbidden power, the long and
Arduous trek, thru’ fiery, blasted plains
With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts
To Chaos’ edge, and there to cast the One
To endless fire and eternal death:
Sing Heav’nly Muse, that in Rivendell did’st
First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,
In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron
Brought into the world from fiery depths
Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into’t
His Malice and his Evil; I now
Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song
That struggle as it might to take to th’air
Though will I drag from bottomless perdition
Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime
And justifie the ways of men to Elves.

LotR, by John Milton

The Lord of the Rings

*Starring Humphrey Bogart and Marlene Dietreich

Directed by Howard Hawks*
http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/Tolkien/Movie/lotr.mov
:slight_smile:

OMG, Fingolfin, that’s AWESOME!

And now, LoTR, by an anonymous japanese poet:

Ring of great evil
Small one casts it into flame
Bringing rise of Men

I haven’t read a Piers book in recent enough memory to get his style down, but I know there would have to be a much more in-depth examination of the Hobbits’ nudity after they escaped from the clutches of the barrow-wights, not to mention a thorough investigation of elvish attitudes towards sex with mortals (Arwen and Aragorn).

o/ Wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraith-eree, A Nazgul's as nasty as nasty can be. Wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraith-eroo, your luck will run out when I'm looking for you. So give me the Ring, or you're Nazgul, too! o/

o/ Just a spoonful of lembas helps the athelas go down, the athelas go down, the athelas go down. Just a spoonful of lembas helps the athelas go down in a most delightful way. o/

o/ Feed the orcs, tuppence a bag, tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. o/

o/ Oooh...taurelilomeatumbalemornatumbaletaurealomeanor, if you say it too slow then you won't make it to dinner. Unless you've got some time on hand don't say I didn't warn ya. taurelilomeatumbalemornatumbaletaurealomeanor. o/

-excerpts from Merry Poppins, P.L. Travers & Walt Disney.

Someone right one in lawyerese

err, I mean write, cough cough.

People were always asking me, did I know Gollum.

“AAAIEEE!”

With a crazed and deformed Stoor clenching his jaw on your finger, you only speak in vowels.

With my finger, I can feel the half-chewed fish stuck behind his tongue. I totally forgot about the whole Ring destruction thing for a second and I wondered how clean his teeth were.

The cave we’re standing in won’t be here in three minutes. You take an ancient evil Ring of Power and add a 98-percent concentration of flaming lava. Explosion. I know this because Sauron knows this.

This is our world now. Two minutes.

Two minutes to go and I’m wondering how I got here…

Fade to a support group: “Remaining Hobbits Together.”

–Openning of Chuck Pahlaniuk’s LoTR

LotR by George Orwell:
“I cannot read the fiery writing,” said Frodo.
“There are few who can,” replied Gandalf. “It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:
‘All rings of power are equal,
But some rings of power are more equal than others.’”

LotR by Dave Barry:
At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that ‘Shards of Narsil’ would be a great name for a band.

LotR by Matt Groening:
Frodo suddenly reappeared, bleeding from the hand.
Gollum triumphantly cried, “Hmmmm…hobbit finger with ring of power garnish.”
But as he danced in victory, Gollum slipped and fell into the pit of fire. The Cracks of Doom echoed with his last despairing cry of “D’oh!”

We were 20 steps from the exit when the giant flaming Balrons first appeared over our heads. These weren’t your normal giant flaming Balrons but some sort of interdimensional Maia that would sit and spin in mid air before dissolving before your very eyes and sneaking up behind you. Gandalf had the pipe and I had the ring which, so far, I had been able to resist trading to the local drug lords for another package of white. Gandalf was shouting random Macrohydration spells while simultaneously trying to not trip over his robes and fall face first into the local pools of goo. Legolas took another drink from his flask and, once again, began explaining how elves were different than humans and much, much mellower.
- Hunter S. Thompson

Bosda: Ian Fleming? :wink:

*“The Halflings, cap’n, they will na take the strain”

“Strider, we’ve got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?”

“Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn’t be unknown.”

“Cap’n, we’re in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie.”

“Captain, what are we going to do?”

“Boromir, put on that red armour.”

“Cap’n, she can’t hold much longer…”*

Legolas allowed himself the luxury of allowing himself the luxury of a stray thought. What new treachery is this? he mused at the form coming slowly toward them through the world-haze. He reached out with senses sharpened by years of Elvish training. It looks like … no! That cannot be! It must be a vision. Nazgul spies must have poisoned my lembas.

But the self within himself knew that his lembas was uncorrupted, that the vision that he saw now was not merely of a possible future but of an inevitable future. Yet still it strode closer, and closer, its pointed white hat contrasting sharply with the dull oceans of unbroken forestland and mountainrock behind it.

Galdalf lives!

“I am no longer Gandalf the Grey,” the wizard intoned, his white stillrobes glistening in the day’s heat. “Through the Trial of the Balrog I came close to death, but now the sleeper has awakened! I shall now be called … Gandalf-Muad’Dib, the Mithrandir, the Lisan Al’Maia!”
– from Ring Messiah, by Frank Herbert

Someone really ought to report this thread to threadspotting!

The Dr. Suess version is perfect. The Milton is also eerily excellent. James Joyce, anyone?

The trouble with writing an epic, I find, is knowing just where to begin. So here I am, quill and parchment at the ready, a full bowl of pipeweed and, dash it, have great difficulty in beginning! That’s the trouble with epics, as I suspect old Treebeard himself would say, and wasn’t he a one for insisting that every story begin at the very beginning - of time, that is, and it takes all one’s memories of school training to be polite to the old boy when you’re rushing to catch an Eagle.

I brought this up with Gandalf when he dropped by yesterday. “Gandalf”, I said, “Do you remember that old ROP we dropped into the crack of Mount Doom?” He did, of course. It was one of those rectangular - no, I mean rhetorical - questions. How could one forget? It was a tale to freeze thy blood, to make one’s hair stand on end like quills upon the fretful porpentine - though I’ve never understood why one says porpentine when you mean porcupine. Something to do with elves, no doubt. I had been thinking of making a start by putting one of the elven marching songs on the title page, but all I can remember os ‘Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, I hurry along’, which would never do. Elrond would never approve.

So Gandalf applied himself to the task at hand - and that’s a sight to see that makes strong men gasp and the ladies swoon. You could see the blood whizzing through that magnificent brain of his, chock full of all that health food he grazes on with Tom Bombadil. When there’s a problem to be solved, just slip a few nuts and berries to old Gandalf and stand back, I say. Frightening, really.

So after a good think, Gandalf suggested Bilbo’s eleventy-first birthday, and I knew right away I held the winning ticket, cash for life with no taxation. “Perfect” I told him. “That’s just precisely where I’ll set the starting post. You have hit the n. right on the h.”

P. G. Wodehouse

I’d do LotR by Stephen Donaldson, but I can’t decide who Frodo would rape.

On this particular evening, something changed hands quietly in the back of a hobbit-hole in the Shire many miles from the dark realm of Mordor. A small, metallic something. Something which could be accurately described as a circular loop of shining metal.

The land of Middle Earth was almost oblivious to the change of ownership, which was wonderful for the two parties concerned. The trade went unnoticed among the citizens of Rivendell, it escaped the Nazgul completely, and even the dark lord himself continued straight on with his day without noticing. This was a pity for him, because it was exactly the thing he had been searching for all these years.

– from The Mostly Harmless Ring of Power, by Douglas Adams

In summer, the scorching sun above Middle-earth sears the land. Perched high on the dome of the sky, it bakes everything down, forcing the Hobbits, the Elves and the men to do their work quickly and retreat to their homes, staying in the cool shade while the orb of light attacks them from overhead. During the winter, on the other hand, the sun only climbs above the horizon for a few hours each day, and then dips back and plunges the world into darkness. The snow drives downward, the winds howl, and everyone, men, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, and Orcs, can feel the chill penetrating to their bones.

Frodo had set out from his home in the Shire, hoping for a chance to see the real Middle-earth. While his official purpose for the journey was to destroy a magic ring in the fires of Mount Doom, he had really accepted the invitation to join the quest because he viewed it as an opportunity to experience the genuine outside world. He had heard stories, of course, about how Hobbits who left the Shire, although naïve and ambitious at first, would eventually turn against the other cultures with scorn, and would long for their cozy hobbit-holes, their elaborate tea parties, their pipes of tobacco before second breakfreast. “Is it true what they say about hobbits who journey eastward, that we all eventually lose the spirit of adventure and just want to return to our cozy homes after a few months,” he asked Gandalf once as they sat around the campfire, but the wizard declined to provide a direct answer.

Regardless, he had remained inquisitive during the flight from the Nazgul and the stay at Rivendell. But as each day passed and the winter grew colder and more ominous, the dark bulks of the Misty Mountains loomed on the horizon up ahead. Their peaks seeming to be lost in the cloud cover, the mountains dwarfed everything, blotted out everything. Their massive bulks weighed on the members of the Fellowship, and the swirling snow seemed to wrap around them, cutting off and suffocating them. There, on the slopes of the Caradhras, Frodo suddenly felt small and insignificant, as if nothing that a little Hobbit could achieve would ever amount to anything more than that, snowflakes whirling in a storm.

from A Passage to Mordor, by E. M. Forster

I don’t have the talent to write it, but if I did, it would be by Homer. :smiley:

Thomas Hardy

–Insert reams of thick prose and endless paragraphs here—

And Frodo never got in to Christminster and all his children died in difficult circumstances.

Merrin