If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
442

XD I’ll try! Here goes…

Forget “Forth Eorlingas”–I give you…
We’re Going to War!

Gandalf: (Marching to the front of the Golden Hall) Then it’s war!
(Rohan trumpeters raise their horns) Then it’s war!
(Fanfare!) Gather the forces!
Harness the horses!
Then it’s war!

Theoden: Rohan is going to war!
Aragorn: Both peasant and lord will grab a sword!
Theoden: And run away to war!
(Wormtongue: Oh crap. Exits)
All: At last we’re going to…
Arm the guard where is stone is hard for…
WAR!

Legolas and Gimli: At last the Rohirrim are going to war!
All: It seems the Rohirrim are going to war.
Theoden: That’s right, the Rohirrim are going to war!
Aragorn: This is a fact we can’t ignore.
All: We’re going to war!
This is a fact we can’t ignore!
We’re going to war!

Gandalf: In case you haven’t heard before
I think they think we’re going to war.
All: WE’RE GOING TO WAR!

Gimli: I think they think I’m too short for war!
All: He’s too short for war!

Legolas: We’re going to war!
Rohirrim: We’re going to war!
Legolas: I said that before.

All: To war, to war, to war we’re gonna go!
Aragorn, Legolas, + Gimli: Yo-del-ay-hi, Yo-del-ay-he-hoo!
Yo-del-ay-hi, Yo-del-ay-he-hoo!
Yo-del-ay-hi, Yo-del-ay-he-hoo!
We got armor
We got horses
And we got our swords, of courses!
Ohhh, Dear Rohan!
Oh, don’t you cry for me,
Coz I’m going to the Hornburg
With a broadsword on my knee!

All: Ohhh, Dear Rohan!
Will we tomorrow see?
Coz we’re facing tens of thousands with a hundred men times three!
To war, to war
we soon will say goodbye!

Gimli (tearfully): Oh, how we’d mourn for Aragorn
His death would make us so forlorn!
All: A might man is he!
Legolas: A man of brawn who’ll carry on
Till dawn of…
All: VICTORY!
With him to lead the way
(Theoden: Hey!)
Our conviction will not sway,
Until it’s safe to run away!

Theoden: Now to Helm’s Deep we go!
All: We go, we go, we go, we go,
We go
We go
We GOOOOOOO!

443

Goddam was spared, out of Pity. “What a pity, I’ve run out of bullets!” remarked Dildo…

I’m under 40 and I’ve read it. GREAT BOOK!

444

Hey thanks Qadgop! I never dreamed it would into the monster that it has. The imagination and the quality of the writing in this thread is simply incredible. You guys are something else, I tell ya. :wink:

Sadly, my wife does not visit me very often. She is still mightly pissed at my decision to battle Melkor one-on-one. I never told her about it before I left. I just said I was going out to pick some berries. Next thing she knows, she is hearing about me dying at the hands of the supreme Dark Lord! I don’t blame her, I would be pissed too!

And yes Qady, they do allow conjugal visits over here. In fact, that is what most of the Elves do around here to kill time. The bodies are slapping all over the place! :wink:

445

GLENFRODO GLEN ROSS

<A cadre of Uruk-hai sit in a room in the undercaverns of Orthanc>

Uruk 1: “What kind of fuckin’ foolishness is this? A meeting? Tonight?”

Uruk 2: “The chief Nazgûl flew in this afternoon. Wants to talk to us about something.”

Uruk 1: “Great! We’re not eating any manflesh, now we gotta listen to some Ringwraith shoot his mouth off. Buncha fuckin’ nonsense…”

Uruk 3 (muttering to himself): “I can’t find them! I don’t know where their hidey-holes are… I don’t know… I can’t find them!”

Uruk 2: “Of course not! None of us can. We need the good leads: the Glenfrodo leads.”

<Outside the room, the Witch-king speaks with Saruman>

Witch-king: “Are they all here?”

Saruman: “No, Lertz never checked in…”

Witch-king: “Screw it! I’m going in anyway…”

<The Witch-king stalks to the head of the room. All Uruk-hai turn toward him as he begins to speak>

Witch-king: “All right, gentlemen. Let’s talk turkey…”

Uruk 1 (interrupting): “What a minute! Hey, what the hell is this? Lertz is on top of the big board so he doesn’t have to be here for this crap?”

<Saruman appears at the door>

Saruman: “Sit down, Grishnákh, and pay attention!”

Uruk 1/Grishnákh: “I don’t have to sit here and listen to this!”

Witch-king: "Oh yes you do, pal, because I’m here as a favor to Sauron! That’s right, I’m here from Murray Sauron downtown. He personally asked me to come down here and give you a little news: we’re adding something new to this month’s contest. As you know, first prize is a brand new hobbit slave. Know what second prize is? Second prize is a set of flensing knives. Third prize is you’re thrown to Shelob…! Oh, do I have your attention now?”

<The Witch-king notices one of the orcs eating something that looks like a haunch of meat>

Witch-king (shouting): “Put that thing down!”

Uruk 3: “I was just…”

Witch-king: “You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you… Horseflesh is for closers. Your name’s Uglúk, right?”

Uruk 3/Uglúk: “Yeah.”

Witch-king: “You call yourself an Uruk-hai, you fucking elf-lord? All of you! You bunch of worthless bums! You bunch of women! Hunting hobbits is a goblin-man’s job. If you can’t cut it, then step aside for someone else who can.”

Uruk 2: “But our leads are no good! We need the new leads: the Glenfrodo leads!”

Witch-king: “What, these?”

<The Witch-king brandishes some scrolls>

Witch-king: “These are the new leads. To you, they’re like gold, but you can’t have them. Giving them to you is like… throwing them away. Murray Sauron paid good money for the leads you’ve got, gentlemen… Use them!

Uruk 3/Uglúk: “But they’re old! I can’t… I can’t find them! The elves are helping them… the trail is cold!”

Witch-king: “Screw you pal! Your excuses are your own! I can go out tonight with the leads you got and hunt down six or seven hobbits… tonight!”

<Uruk 1/Grishnákh laughs>

Ringwraith: “You, Grishnákh. What’s your beef?”

Uruk 1/Grishnákh: “Who are you, huh? You’re such a big badass? If you could do that, then why are you here wasting time with us hard luck cases?”

Witch-king: “Who am I? I’ll tell you who I am…”

<The Witch-king approaches Grishnákh and whips out his Morgul knife>

Witch-king: “You see this blade? This knife costs more than your life. That’s who I am. I flew over here on a winged serpent and you rode here on a warg… a flea-bitten, ratty-eared warg with a bad leg that you probably borrowed from your mother. Last year I terrorized more than 3,000 halflings. What’d you clear last year? Huh? As for why I’m here, I’m doing this because Sauron asked me to as a favor to him. I said, ‘If you really want me to do you a favor, then let me shoot Grishnákh in the hand with an arrow and run him through with a Rohirrim spear because a loser is a loser…’”

<The Witch-king moves over to a blackboard and begins writing on it>

Witch-king: “A… B… S… A: ‘Always…’ B: ‘Be…’ S: ‘Searching…’ Always Be Searching. ALWAYS BE SEARCHING! Hobbits are using half-starved ponies, hiding out in filthy, run-down dwarven ruins, and taking advice from senile, graying wizards! They have a collective death wish! They want to give you their scalps! Are you going to take them? Are you man enough to take them? If not you’re gonna be cleaning up after my steed! Think you’re a big goblin-man? Big deal! Like to strangle smaller goblins for waking you up outta the mud pool? So what! Hey kids: Fuck you! Go to the Shire and shoot off some fireworks!

<The Witch-king’s tone becomes more condescending>

Witch-king: “Years from now, you’ll have gone over to Rohan’s side… buncha losers hanging around Edoras, changing Théoden’s diaper, helping kids cross the street, saying ‘Oh, yeah. I used to work for Sauron… tough racket.’ Mark my words, gentlemen, lest this be your fate.”

<The Witch-king leaves. Uruk 3/Uglúk shakes his head>

Uruk 3/Uglúk: “We’re doomed.”

Uruk 1/Grishnákh: “Don’t worry about it. He’s fulla shit…”

446

Saruman Deus. By J.R.R. Shelly

I MET a Grey Pilgrim from an antique land, 
Who said, "One vast and sorcerous shaft of stone 
Stands in Isengard. Near it, on the ground, 
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, 
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, 
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read, 
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, 
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed: 
And on the pedestal these words appear: 
"My name is Saruman, of many colours. 
Look on my works ye Mighty, and despair!" 
No thing beside remains. Round the decay 
Of that Colossal Wreck, boundless and bare, 
The green and ancient Fangorn stretches far away.

MoFo

PS the Milton one is still my favourite… hurl’d down into perdition indeed! :cool:

447

Der Ring der Energie (The Ring of Power)

Who rides so late through night and gloom?
It’s three hobbits, in search of Mt. Doom
One holds the One Ring tight in his arms
He clasps it snugly to keep it from harm.

“Frodo, why hide you your face with such fear?”
“Can’t you see the Nazgul, Sam? Merry? They’re near!
The nine riding Nazgul with swords and black hoods!”
“Frodo, it’s just shadows deep in the woods.”

‘Come back! Come back! To Mordor we’ll take you.
Wherever you run, we shall follow too;
You’ve something of Saurons and he wants it back,
So give us the One Ring or we shall attack.’

“Aragorn, Aragorn and can you not hear
the Nazgul, whose threats fill me with such fear?”
“Calm down, Frodo. Wounds have made you not well.
I hear only the wind as we near Rivendell.”

‘Give back my preciousss, it belongs to me
It was stolen by another Hobbit, you see.
This journey is madness, it’s only a ring.
Instead, just destroy that glowing sword, Sting.’

“Samwise, Samwise can you not see,
the visage of Gollum, who stands before me?”
“My Frodo, my Frodo, I see it just fine.
It’s not Gollum, but a forest of pine.”

'I want you, your cleverness charms me, of course.
If you’ll not relent, then I’ll take it by force."
“Boromir, Boromir, you’re hurting my arm.
I must slip on the ring to vanish from harm.”

The fellowship struggles, they come with great speed,
The horn of Gondor sounded and they must take heed.
They rush to their fallen companion with dread,-
The stuart of Gondor, Boromir, was dead.

448

I’m 35 and I know about it. One of my friends was reading it in @ 1984, when we were in High School. I remember him being particularly taken with the twisting of Gollum into “Goddamn”.

449

I think this loses the essence of Lewis Carroll, but WTF… I enjoyed writing it anyway…

THE HACKERJOCK

'Twas Gimli and slimy orcs
Did battle and grumble in the way
All flimsy were the Hornburg doors
And in the end, they gave

“Beware the Uruk-hai my dwarf!
The sword that strikes,
the voice that bellows
Beware the crebain bird,
and shun
The wizard he follows!”

He took his mighty axe in hand:
Long time Legolas’ count he sought
So rested Gimli by Hornburg’s walls,
And stood awhile in thought

And as a gruffish dwarf he stood,
The Uruk-hai, with torch aflame,
Came marching up with rams of wood,
And roaring as he came!

One, two! One, two!
And through and through
The mighty axe went snicker-snack!
He left them dead,
with count of head
He went brazenly back.

“And hast thou slain the Uruk-hai?
Come to my arms, my dwarvish boy!
O fabulous day!
I think I’m gay!”
Said Legolas in joy.

'Twas Gimli and slimy orcs
Did battle and grumble in the way
All flimsy were the Hornburg doors
And in the end, they gave

450

A little Freud might help this thread along nicely.

It is clear that the fascination with the ring of power is merely a compensatory act. It goes straight back to the argument about which man’s club is bigger or as the crude might say it, who has the largest penis. This is what has commonly become known (largely thanks to my writings) as penis envy. It is clear that what Boromir is truly after is not the power to save and preserve his people, but rather the ability to prove that he has the largest libido. This is also clear as the only people who turn down the ring are either (in the case of Faramir) a well-balanced youth who does not need such toys to feel confident in his sexuality, or old to the point that sex is no longer a large concern in their lives (Gandalf and Galadriel). In the case of those that do not need this status symbol, they wish for it to be destroyed so that they can promote their sexually repressive society with fewer interferences. Gondor and Lorien both seemed to thrive in the absence of this ring and perhaps their rulers have come to the conclusion that chastity is the secret to order in a rapidly modernizing world.

451

Upon it’s arrival at the platform which abutted the bank of the river, the barge disgorged several passengers, among them a tall gentleman, noble of bearing and appearance, who strode upon the planks in a way which marked him, along with his various and sundry accoutrements, as a man of war and the various martial arts and disciplines. Our friend was a tall fellow, his mustaches full and flowing, his face untouched as of late, by the steel of a blade. He was also rather hirsute, as befits a person of his bearing and avocation.

As he stood to gather his bearings, from the crowd of well-wishers and others who made up the confabulation of the dock, there stepped a tall and very striking lady, clad in shimmering robes and dress. She was of excellent disposition, her toilet being one of exquisite preparation and sublime effect. She strode upon the deck in a manner that was almost, one could even venture to say, purposeful. As she approached him, he thought to make a declaration, but, seeing the uncommonly serious and even stark expression she carried upon her visage, he hung fire.

“Strider, my dear. It is so good to see you again,” she declared to him, her voice a pleasing lilt, as she smiled in an ever so gentle manner upon him. “My Father sends his regards.” The young man could only barely contain an inward reaction to the effrotery with which it must have taken the elderly gentleman to entrust his beloved Daughter to pass this missive along to him. In his heart of hearts, Strider had begun to approch a belief that this gentleman had little regard for, and even a marked lack of respect, for him and his feelings, which were of the deepest and most sturdy sort, for his Elfin Daughter. It was widely rumored among those who trafficked in such scurrilous matters, that the old gentleman had even caused it to be arranged in his will and testament that Strider was to come into none of his Daughter’s gold, nor any of her vast lands and properties, upon the Father’s demise…

452

umm… I thought about it some more and realized it would be funnier to have Hob Dylan singing

“To be stuck here on top of Orthanc with the Minas blues again”

(Memphis… Minas… Get it? Oh well…)

Thanks, lastin, I would love to accomplish that but it will take a lot of thought. “Subterranean” is so lyrically intricate.

Now, I’ll be the first to say it. We need a good Harlan Ellison parody. Anybody feel up to that? Maybe “Repent, Bombadil!” Said the Morgulman … or From Tinco to Úre in the Chocolate Tengwar …?

453

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by tiernadris *
**JiHymas, your P.G. Wodehouse was hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing!
Also the Cremation of Sam Gamgee was great too… mind if I copy that? It was brilliant…

I’d be flattered!

454

LOTR by Stone and Parker
Balrog: Roar! Roar!

Gandalf: Mmumm mmum mmmm mumm muummm mummm

Balrog grabs Gandalf and bites off his head.

Frodo: Oh my God! You killed Gandalf!

Aragorn: You bastard!

455

“I Have Round Ears But I Must Love An Elf” ?

456

This actually got re-released. It’s in a very nice paperback edition you can pick up at any bookstore.

I still have my battered copy from the 70s. It’s hysterical. Must reading for anyone interested in Tolkien!

That line: “Pity I’ve run out of bullet”! Damn, every time I see FOTR, that line runs through my head. LOL!

457

By “Whistler”. Not me. Unfortunately.

GREEN EGGS AND LEMBAS

Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS
by Dr. Seuss

(Scene: Bag End, after Bilbo’s party)

GANDALF:
That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam!
I do not like that Samwise-Sam!

FRODO:
Would you like some bread and jam?

GANDALF:
I do not want your bread and jam.
I’m busy being mad at Sam.
He likes to sneak. He likes to spy.
I’ll grind him up for hobbit pie!

FRODO:
Oh, do not grind him up for pie!
He is a pretty handy guy.
He mows my grass. He paints my gate.
He is my friend. We both are straight.

GANDALF:
Well, then, I will not grind up Sam!
Bring me bread, and bring me jam!
We’ll talk about another thing.
Tell me, do you have the ring?

FRODO:
I have the ring. I have it here.
But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
I fear the ring is very bad,
The golden ring that Bilbo had!
Tell me, will you take the ring?

GANDALF:
I will not take that evil thing!

FRODO:
Would you, could you, by the fire?
Would you, could you, in the Shire?

GANDALF:
I would not, could not, by the fire.
I would not, could not, in the Shire.

FRODO:
Would you, could you, in a tree?
Would you, on the road to Bree?
Would you, with an orc or troll?
Would you, in a hobbit-hole?

GANDALF:
I would not, could not, in a tree.
I would not, on the road to Bree.
I would not, with an orc or troll.
I would not, in a hobbit-hole.
I will not take it here or there,
I will not take it anywhere!
For it is bad. It’s as you say.
You’ll have to take that ring away
And throw it in the Cracks of Doom!

FRODO:
I’ll need a friend. But who, or whom?

(Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying)

SAM:
Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here!
He’ll wash me down with beer, I fear!
I do not wish to be a pie!

GANDALF:
I will not eat you, little spy!
But I will send you far away.
You both will go away today.
You’ll go to Bree. A man is there.
The man looks foul. The man feels fair.
He’ll lead you both, if all goes well,
To meet the elves in Rivendell.

SAM:
Oh, Master! We will meet the elves!
We’ll get to meet the elves ourselves
And hear them sing their elven songs!
We’ll hear them bong their elven-gongs
And strum their elven loola-lutes!
They’ll hoot their elven hooty-toots!

GANDALF:
I hope you’ll hear those loola-lutes
And hear the hoots of hooty-toots!
But go with care. To be a pie
Is better than to meet the Eye!
The Eye is mean. The Eye is red.
He rules nine Riders. They are dead.
They’ll try to make you dead, as well.
But will they catch you? Time will tell!

FRODO:
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess!
We’ll have to fix this mess, I guess.
So we will go, just Sam and me.
And what will happen? We will see!

(Fade)

458

OK, I got it done. Here’s a song from Hob Dylan’s album Strawhead on Strawhead :wink:

Oh, Saruman draws circles
Up and down Isengard
I’d ask him what the matter was
But I know that I’d get scarred
And the Dwarves treat me kindly
And furnish me with cram
But deep inside my heart
I know that I can’t scram
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Well, Gandalf, he’s in the attic
With his pointed hat and his staff,
Speaking to some Uruk
Who say I make them laugh
And I would send a message
To find out what Baggins has got
But the Pony has been raided
And Butterbur has forgot
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Ferny tried to tell me
To stay away from the Greenway rail
He said that all the half-Orc Men
Just drink up your blood like ale
And I said, “Oh, I didn’t know that,
But then again, there’s only one I see’d
And he just smoked my helmet
And smote my pipe-weed”
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Denethor died last week
And now he’s buried in the rocks
But everybody still talks about
How badly they were shocked
But me, I expected it to happen,
I knew he’d lost control
When he built a pyre on Rath Dínen
And smote Beregond full of holes.
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Now the Witch-King came down here
Showing ev’ryone his sword
Handing out free tickets
To the crossing of the ford
And me, I nearly got punctured
And wouldn’t it be my doom
To get caught without a ticket
And discovered beneath Balin’s tomb
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Now Saruman gave me two cures
Then he said, “Go right ahead”
The one was Orkish medicine
The other was just lembas bread
And like a fool I mixed them
And it muddled up my lore
And now Olog just get uglier
And I have no miruvor
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Beruthiel says come see her
In her Belfalas lagoon
Where I can watch her Springle-Ring
'Neath her Harondorian moon
And I say, “Oh, fie on you
You must know about my Nimrodel”
And she says, “Your Nimrodel just knows the woods
But I know the Bay of Bel”
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

Now the stonework on Rath Celerdain
Where the sable soldiers marched
It’s all built there so perfectly
It all seems so well arched
And here I sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what spell
You have to know to get out of
Going through this doom so fell.
Oh, Gwaihir, can this really be the end
To be stuck on top of Orthanc
With the Minas blues again

459

Lord of the Rings as written by Emily Dickinson
[all that remains is this fragment, found in a diary]

A hobbit, a mere hobbit
That ventured far from the shire
Entrusted with –
the keeping of
– a ring of power
Found adventures beyond his dreams
– where Death was unknown
– he made acquaintance
of creatures great and terrible
ever still holding on–
to the ring of power–

Ali
Where Wonderland meets reality: http://stormy-night.org
Archivist, JoeStories Archive: http://stormy-night.org/joestories.html
“I used to be Snow White, but then I drifted.” - Mae West

460

Oh my. Very impressive work. I like.
(And I’ve throughly enjoyed everyone else’s efforts, too!)

461

Who’s hill this is, I think I know,
He’s traveling to Elrond’s though;
He will not see me stopping here
To show the ring to young Frodo.

The hobbits all must think it queer,
To stop without a party near,
Down by the Shire’s only lake,
With the best food served of all year.

Sam, hiding, makes the shrubbery shake,
And 'cross his head my staff I break,
The only other sound’s his weep,
And his complaint of strong headache.

The Shire is lovely, dark and deep,
But we have promises to keep,
And miles to go before we sleep,
And miles to go before we sleep.

–Stopping By the Shire on a Desperate Evening, Robert Frost

(My apologies if anyone else did Frost and I missed it)