Returning to the LOTR musical theme, here’s part of a classic song from Gimli Get Your Axe:
Gimli:
Any orc you can kill I can kill better,
I can kill any orc better than you!
Legolas:
No you can’t!
Gimli:
Yes I can!
Legolas:
No you can’t!
Gimli:
Yes I can!
Legolas:
No you can’t!
Gimli:
Yes I can, yes I can!
Legolas:
Any bow you can shoot I can shoot straighter,
I can shoot any bow straighter than you!
Gimli:
No you can’t!
Legolas:
Yes I can!
Gimli:
No you can’t…
You get the idea…
I know Douglas Adams has already been done, but I had to add this into the fray.
The HITCHIKERS GUIDE TO MIDDLE EARTH is a wholly remarkable book. It has this to
say about the disappearance of the elves:
"Scholars have long disagreed on the exact reason why the elves eventually
disappeared from Middle Earth altogether. The official reason, of course, is
that the Elves were called away, sailing over the ocean in grey ships and now
living in a magical land of peace, harmony and rest. Scholars reject this
notion, and speculate instead that they must have died for some reason. Various
theories have been put forward concerning what might have killed them – a
plague, some have suggested, or food poisioning, other’s reasoned, or perhaps a
dirty lute. No theory, however, has been as successful as the one forwarded by
Ooquag Benderbroont.
"The Elves, Benderbroont claimed, were magical, mysterious, poetic, lyrical,
monogamous, and immortal. The first four qualities were annoying, he continued,
and were the main reasons why they were never invited to any of the big parties.
But it is the last two qualities, he contends, that really did them in.
"Monogamy and immortality, he continues, is a deadly combination. He writes:
"Benderbroont didn’t stop there. He further contended that much of the strife in
Middle Earth can be traced directly to the result of elven marital strife. The
quest for the Silmaril, for example, was the result of a particularly nasty
mid-life crisis suffered by Feanor. Even the war of the One Ring, he claimed,
was a result of the elves just trying to get out of the house…"
From the I Ching
Hexagram 61 - O’hh/The One Ring
The Judgement:
The One Ring. All-powerful ruler.
Binds lesser in darkness.
The Image:
Danger is in beauty.
Thus the superior hobbit
Strives to give up
What others find precious.
The lines:
Nine at the beginning means:
A long expected party.
Secret designs.
The wise hobbit excepts no gifts.
Nine in the second place means:
Nazgul calling in the darkness.
A burden shared.
The perseverence of a warrior furthers.
Fly you fools.
Six in the third place means:
He leaves his friends.
The East brings a storm.
Misfortune.
Six in the forth place means:
Beset from all sides.
Sunrise will not come.
Beware the fortuitous frog.
White is your lucky colour.
Nine in the fifth place means:
Weighty matters overburden the small
A king weeps for his son.
As a tree weeps for the forest.
Anger.
Nine in the sixth place means:
At the end a change of heart.
It furthers to sacrifice one of ten.
Home is no longer.
Sadness and good fortune.
No blame.
Thanks for a good three hours of amusement. Probably the best thread I have ever read.
gah. I had word-wrap on notepad turned on. Sorry for the funky margins…
Sing to me, Muse, the hair-footed hobbit, who journeyed/
so great, when Sauron sought the One Ring–/
who saw cities of both elves and men, and learned their ways/
and suffered many trials of the spirit while in the mountains,/
striving both for his soul and the safe return of his companions.
Homer’s Frodo-iad
No one would have believed in the last years of Middle Earth that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than hobbit’s and yet immortal unlike their own; that as hobbit’s busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a Balrog with a microscope might scrutinise the transient goblins that swarm and multiply in a mine of Moria. With infinite complacency hobbits went to and fro over the Shire about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter. It is possible that the infusoria under the microscope do the same. No one gave a thought to the older worlds of Mordor as sources of hobbit danger, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea of life upon them as impossible or improbable. It is curious to recall some of the mental habits of those departed days. At most Hobbits fancied there might be other creatures in Mordor, perhaps inferior to themselves and ready to welcome a missionary enterprise. Yet across the gulf of land, minds that are to hobbit minds as hobbits are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded Middle earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against them.
………
In another moment Aragorn had scrambled up the earthen rampart and stood upon its crest, and the interior of the redoubt was below him. A mighty space it was, with gigantic numbers of orcs here and there within it, huge mounds of material and strange creatures. And scattered about it, some on their overturned war-beasts, some on the now rigid flying beasts, and a dozen of them stark and silent and laid in a row, were the Nazgul–dead!–slain by the putrefactive and disease-ridden Gollum against which their systems were unprepared; slain as the orcs was being slain; slain, after all man’s and elve’s devices had failed, by the humblest thing that God, in his wisdom, had put upon Middle Earth.
Told through rap…
King, word, wield my sword Narsil it’s long,
Grit my teeth, swing till every orc’s gone.
Got Gondor sewn, armored up spots,
Last thing I sweat’s sucka Sauron’s lot.
Move like the king when I roll, hops,
You try to flex, stab, another troll drops.
We gotta deal with this cause there’s no way out,
Why? Sauron’s evil ain’t never gonna play out.
I got everything to lose, so much to gain,
In my brain, I got a kingly migraine.
I gotta win this tonight, you muthaf*ckin right.
Tighten my grip, check my army, keep my flanks tight.
So many hos on my jock, but I’ve got the morning star.
Big enough, I got a fifty thousand person town.
Bow to Mordor, I ain’t goin for it,
Kiss my ass, bust the ass off the Nazgul.
Cause I don’t wanna hear their crap,
Why? I’d rather be the New King ----- King
Here it is
BAMMM
And you say, Goddamn
This is The Ring jam
But lets define the term One Ring
You think it mean evil now, bling
Here is a true tale
Of the ones that steal
And the One Rings power
Real
You can fight if you wanna fight
For what is right
Try to bring back the light
The problem is The Ring - we gotta’ fix it
Check out the justice - and how Sauron runs it
Killin’, villain,
Dyin’, Lyin’,
Saruman’s power is vying an’
Killin their own, burnin’ homes
Making some shrivel to bone
There are Orcs walkin’ around
You can feel the reach of Mordor far
I’m talking about…war
My One Ring
and I walked through Barad-dur’s doors
casting shadow over lands beyond Mordor
I fought my war, at Orodruin
Most of the fighters there met with ruin
Many warriors there I did fight
When I wear my ring I’m all right
My One Ring kills the man of a foreign land
with ring in hand I cold took command
my One Ring and me both fightin peace
we make a good team my One Ring and me
we get around together, evil forever
we both get glad when we make bad weather
My One Ring…
My One Ring…
My One Ring
It’s not a parody if all you’re doing is changing a name here or a location there. It’s not clever, either.
A parody is when you re-write the story (LOTR in this case), in the voice of another author. Not simply switching pronouns. If I want to read Danielle Steele (for example) I’ll just read Danielle Steele.
I don’t think anyone wants her words re-typed up here, we want to see the things she DIDN’T write, but might have.
A writing style should be fairly distinct, enough that one could imitate the style without typing word for word from the book.
Goe and catch a falling Ring
Get with child the Elven Queen,
Tell my sword to have more Sting,
And Saruman to have less spleen,
Find a balrog that has no whip,
Or at least a ledge with better grip,
And sweare,
That there,
You and I shall someday fare.
If thou believest in wizards’ words;
Can see things others cannot see,
Join the Felloweship of Nerds,
To melt the ring, and make Sauron pee;
When thou return’st, thou willt tell me,
Of all the merchandise they would’st sell me,
And pray,
That they,
Will make a fourth film some day.
If they make it, let me know,
Such a pilgrimage were sweet,
Yet do not, for I cannot goe,
For at Christmas time, our families meet,
Whilst I saw the first three, using force,
One last time would mean divorce,
And she,
Can be,
Meaner than Sauron by a large degree.
per John Donne.Chapter 15: THE COUNCIL OF ELROND
…“So that’s it, then,” Elrond began to stand, drawing the council to a close.
“Ah, excuse me, sir,” drawled Sam from the corner from which he had observed the proceedings. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
There was a surprised murmur around the council table and Gandalf’s eyes flashed in irritation, but his voice was mild as he said "Well Sam, you weren’t invited to this shindig, but say your say.
Sam stood, “Well sirs, it seems to me that the plan for Mr. Frodo to march from here to Mount Doom to destroy the ring plays right into Sauron’s hands. We should use the one weapon we have that he *doesn’t. . .AIR POWER!”
There was stunned silence for a moment, then Elrond said “Sam, that’s a brilliant idea, tell us more.”
There was attentive silence in the Hall of Elrond as Sam outlined his plan.
Chapter 16: OPERATION OVERLORD
“That was close!” Said Frodo as a tree branch came close to knocking him and Sam out of the sky. Beneath them the shadow of Gwaihir the Wind Lord and those of two other Eagles streaked over the fair glades of moonlit Ithilien.
Gwaihir called back to them, “You know we have to hug the ground to avoid the watchers at Minas Morgul, don’t worry boys, I won’t lose you!”
In the distance behind them, Frodo and Sam could see that the horizon was lit by flame. "I guess Elrond and Celeborn are fighting Sauron’s forces at Lorien. With Aragorn feinting an attack with Gondor’s army at Osgilliath, that should keep the Ringwraiths out of Mordor.
Hours and leagues passed as the Eagles flew swiftly, so Mount Doom drew steadily nearer. When they could see the stone platform outside the entrance to the Pit, Gwaihir called back “We’ll be there soon, prepare yourselves!”
At that moment Rogil, the Eagle on Frodo’s left groaned in agony as a dart pierced his shoulder. “Ringwraiths!” shouted Jondir, the Eagle on Gwaihir’s right.
“What?” cried Gwaihir. “Flying wraiths! One of the rangers should have warned us.”
Frodo looked behind Sam and saw two Ringwraiths riding huge flying dragons–all teeth, claws and bad breath. “Well Sam, it looks like Sauron has an air force after all.”
“Right you are Mr. Frodo, but I still think we’ve snookered him, only two wraiths, the others must have been decoyed away.”
While Gwaihir spilled air from his right wing and side-slipped into a dive towards the entrance to Mount Doom, Jondir the Eagle turned and attacked the dragons, slashing one’s wing such that it began spinning toward the plains below. The other wraith dodged Jondir’s attack and flew after Frodo and Sam.
Upon reaching the entrance to Mount Doom, Frodo and Sam hopped off Gwaihir’s back. Frodo made off toward the Crack of Doom as Sam drew his sword to fight the Ringwraith.
After a hundred yards, Frodo saw the Crack of Doom below his feet. He pulled the ring from his pocket and began to cast it into the depths. At this very last instant the Ring exerted all of its power and Frodo froze, the ring used every wile to entice Frodo to put it on, thereby alerting Sauron of his peril. It was a near thing, but because Frodo had only had the ring for a short time (just a week since the Council of Elrond) he was able to withstand the ring’s power long enough to hurl it into the fire.
Immediately the ground began shaking as Frodo turned and staggered out to help Sam and Gwaihir against the Ringwraith. As he emerged from the Pit, Frodo saw the wraith collapse with a wail and dissolve into the air. Sam was bleeding from a cut on the shoulder, but otherwise none the worse for wear.
Gwaihir, returning from destroying the wraith’s steed landed near the hobbits.“Climb aboard chaps, legs up in 10 seconds!”
As they turned toward home, they could see Barad Dur collapsing into a smoldering pile of rubble. Somewhere in the ruins, Lo! lay Sauron, a great and powerful foe, but not a very good tactician.
LOTR by Robert A. Heinlein
“I Think”
I Think wraiths are really a huge problem
I Think orcs are too much on my mind
I Think Rings have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?
Like a black rain, beating down on me
Like a Tolkien line, which won’t let go of my brain
Like Saruman’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
I Think Nazgul are gonna drive us all crazy
And fell men make me feel like a child
I Think Sauron will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do? I said what can you do?
Like a black rain, beating down on me
Like a Tolkien line, which won’t let go of my brain
Like Saruman’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
Like a black rain, beating down on me
Like Saruman’s smile, cruel and cold
Like Tolkien’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
Blame it on Mordor
Courtesy of the Alanis Morissette Lyric Generator at
http://www.brunching.com/alanislyrics.html
If LOTR had been written by lawyers;
The judge would have awarded Sauron the Ring as his claim pre-dated all others.
Saruman The White™ would have sued Gandalf for trademark infringement.
The Nazgul would have been found guilty of stalking and ordered not to go within 200m of Frodo Baggins.
Gandalf would have a passive-smoking suit filed against him for blowing smoke rings inside the confines of Bag End.
There would be a class action by Hobbits for compensation for use of derogatory language eg. ‘Halfling’.
Sam Gamgee would face charges of animal neglect after abandoning his pony outside the mines of Moria.
The Ents would be banned from protesting outside Orthanc and obstructing the legitimite industry of Saruman.
Galadriel would be imprisoned for distributing a performance-enhancing substance (lembas).
Smeagol would be fined for fishing without a license.
The Fellowship would be labeled a terrorist organisation for conspiring to destroy property.
The Fellowship would be ordered to break into smaller groups so as not to take advantage of their monopoly over the Ring.
This is utterly brilliant! the best day ive spent reading stuff worthwhile online; hey I might even be persuaded to read LOTR for the first time just to be able to post a version on here… Id be inclined to do Stephern Donaldson but like someone mentioned, who’d Frodo rape…
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and how I got the Ring of Power, and all that Silmarillion kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, Gandalf and Elrond would have about two hemorrhages a piece if I told anything pretty personal about the Ring. They’re quite touchy about anything like that, especially Elrond. They’re nice and all–I’m not saying that-- but they’re also touchy as hell. Besides, I’m not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything. I’ll just tell you about this madman Ringbearer stuff that happened to me around the end of the Third Age of Middle Earth before I got my goddam finger bitten off by that crazy Gollum just as I was about to teach that phony bastard Sauron a lesson he’d never forget, but then I got pretty rundown and had to come out here to the Undying Lands and take it easy.
~JRR Salinger
01-TOR-54-A
13.4 : Removal of The One Ring
Warning!
The One Ring (TOR) may cause severe emotional distress and temporary invisibility due to Magic Light Refraction (MLR). Skin and eye protection required. Personnel in contact with TOR must abide by the ALARA concept (As Low As Reasonably Able). Keep time to a minimum and distance to a maximum when dealing with TOR. Observe proper Distance to Sauron procedures. Injury to personnel could result.
Caution!
The One Ring (TOR) has TimeLock Variable Weight Distribution (TLWD). Personnel should use proper TOR handling equipment. Damage to equipment could result.
Using multi-digited, opposable thumbed limbs, place TOR in
a properly Flashpoint Reached pile of wood.
Allow TOR to sit in FR pile of wood for approximately 3 minutes.
Warning!
Personnel should use caution when removing TOR from any pile of wood that has reached flashpoint. Severe injury or death could result from the burn potential of the wood. Use only approved equipment for TOR extraction. Injury to personnel could result.
Note
A magnifying glass may be useful in reading or recording small incriptions. Refer to 11-TOR-56-M for DOD authorized translators.
3. Remove TOR from pile, observe incription. Refer to Technical Manual 11-TOR-51-M for proper disposal of TOR.
…
Moby-Souron, or, The Lord of the Ring
Call me Frodo. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having a little ring in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me in the Shire, I thought I would adventure about a little and see the dark part of the world…
- Herman Melville
If the LotR:Fellowship was translated from Quenya through BabelFish (http://babelfish.altavista.com):
[Frodo sees something stirring in the depths of the dwarven mines while Gandalf contemplates which path to take at the pass]
Frodo: The silence from that place dropping me thinks that it tries to go out.
Gandalf (taking his pipe from his mouth): The Gollum is.
Frodo: When he has a chance, pity Bilbo it did not kill.
Gandalf: Pity? The Bilbo’s it was a pity which stayed the hand. It dies and it dies, e it trembled living and by the lifetime when there is a value is a value. It gives Frodo it to they it spreads out, the Yorosi_un_ka? It dies with from judgement to treat, desire eagerly like this eps; Even quite there is not a possibility of seeing the thing all end which is wise. The pity of the Bilbo does not know governs the fate of the many thing. That still glow el there is a E for parts by the discerning eye where to the Gollum burns my heart it is good it is sick for in in me, it talks.
LOTR as by the Dr. Dre:
I just wanna take rings,
all those nights I never had rings,
but now I’m all up in that ring business…
You’s a bad hobbit, gotta flank ya’
gotta thank ya for that nazgul,
explicit, hella-photo-genic…
You can tell the other hobbits
where they can get kicked at
and it won’t get back to Gandolf…
before you steal better contemplate:
he swallowed it,
yeah that hobbit took the whole bait
and let Bilbo hit it and Frodo hit it,
ring wretches-
that’s what I’m talkin’ about,
chicken head, chicked fed
with a ring in your mouth…
Holy cow. What happened? This thread doubled in views since yesterday!
petcat, I dig the Alanis version… nice work! 
Makes me want to come up with another one… hmmm…
The Smeagol - Alfred Lord Tolkien
He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the brink in Sauron’s lands,
His Ring below, where a hobbit stands.
Hot crimson fumes rush from the deep;
To the precipice he creeps,
And with a screeching hiss he leaps.