If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
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81

Scene: Barad-Dur

[Flourish. Enter Gil-galad, Elendil, Isildur.]

Gil-galad: Se’en years, hath we laid siege to the dark tower. And e’en yet the dark lord himself now approacheth.
Elendil: Yay, forsooth. The host of Mordor hath we lain waste, and all orcs and trolls hath their liege forsook.

[Enter Sauron]

Sauron: Of minions now have I no need. Mere elf-lords and lowly men shall quail before the wrath of the maia uncloak’ed.

[They fight. Gil-galad and Elendil die.]

Isildur: Araunt, lord of darkness. For the life of my sire, thou shalt pay dearly.

[They fight. Sauron falls]

Sauron: Unseamed am I from nave to chaps. Seek me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave fellow–fingerless, bereft of that jewel which once held all in its sway, all is lost. [dies]

Isildur: For weregild shall I claim this. It shall be an heirloom to my kingdom.

[Exeunt]

82

A meara! A meara!
My kingdom for a meara!

:smiley:

As a closet Eddings fan, the Belrond one had me giggling madly.

Lots of other great adaptations, as well.

How about:

Did you ever wonder just what is it with rings? You’ve got those nine wraithmakers, for example. You’d think the dummies would read the Steward-required warnings: “May cause gulness. Wear at your own risk.” And the seven midget…er, dwarf rings. How much brainpower does it take to figure out that carrying your gold around in your underwear so it can’t be stolen is kind of sick? Only the Elves managed to cop to the Dark Lord’s plan…and believe me, they aren’t going to let you forget it!

-A Few Ages with Andy Rooney

83

The Little Ring by Hans Christian Andersen

Once there was a beautiful golden ring that had been made by a terrible lord. This wicked lord wished to be the king of all the world. He made the little ring to help him gain power over the many good kings and queens who ruled in the lands about him.

The little ring was very proud that he was such a splendid ring. He knew that all who saw him wished to own him and be as powerful as the wicked lord. He saw many ride in battle to try to overthrow the wicked lord, but none ever succeeded. “I must be a wonderful thing!” thought the little ring, “I am coveted by all!”

But one day, there was an awful battle, and the ring was cut off the hand of the wicked lord! The little ring felt himself picked up by a mighty king. He was glad, for the mighty king had a great army and glorious banners. The little ring thought he would be very happy with the mighty king, and that he would live in a grand palace and be the most prized possession of the kingdom.

Alas, it was not to be, for the mighty king was killed and the ring sank to the bottom of a river. He was very sad, for it was lonely and cold there. “I wish I could see the banners of a splendid army again,” he thought.

After a very long time, the ring was found by a strange little man who took him for his own. At first the ring was glad to be out of the river, but he did not like the little man, who talked to himself and had no army, nor even a house to live in. The little ring had to live in a damp old cave that smelled of fish.

Then the ring was rescued by another little man, who was much nicer than the first, but who had no palace or army, either. Finally he came into the hands of yet another little man, who brought him before a council of great lords. “At last I shall have the recognition I deserve,” thought the proud little ring. “I have lived much too long in a river and a cave! That is no life for such an important ring as I!”

And so the little ring went on a rather strange and long journey, carried by the last little man. The ring understood that he was being taken back to the lands of his first master, the wicked lord, so he did not mind that there was no great army and splendid banners to accompany him. “Soon I shall enjoy life again!” the ring thought.

O, but the ring little suspected what was in store for him! He saw that he was fought over, and felt proud, but then he was falling, falling into a great fire! He heard a great clamor of armies and thought of the splendor of battle. “O, 'tis past! 'Tis over, all over! Never again,” said the poor little ring.

In the spring, the earth bloomed again. All over the land, the grass grew over the battlefields where once the little ring had been so proud. However, those days were over and the ring was gone, and so every tale must end at last.

84

1 And the Five went unto Rivendell, which is called Imladris by the Elves.
2 And with Frodo were Meriadoc, and Peregrin, and Aragorn son of Arathorn, and the Gardener Whom Frodo Loved.
3 And they went unto the House of Elrond. And Elrond summoned a great council, and summoned elves from Mirkwood, which was Greenwood before the reign of Thranduil. And also men from Gondor, and from Dale, and Dwarves from Erebor unto the Lonely Mountain.
4 And Elrond spoke, saying, what shall we do with this Ring?
5 And Gandalf spoke, telling all of Gollum, and of Saruman, and the origin of the ring; and they slept. And they said, Gandalf, shut up.
6 And Gimli sayeth, shall we not leave the ring with the Elves? And Elrond grew wroth and rent his garment.
7 For Gandalf spoke, saying, verily verily I say unto you, the ring must be destroyed.
8 And Frodo at last spoke, saying, I shall take the ring, though I do not know the way. And they were glad.

  • – The Gospel According to Frodo*
85

What, me - the c3 Sicilian player?
The one who pressured your K-side relentlessly?
Who finally overcame your determined resistance with a double threat of fork and pin?

Dunno anything about that! :wink: :cool:

Yes, I use the same username all over the Internet (of course there may be imitators!).

I joined the UK Tolkien Society a long time ago (though my membership has lapsed).
I remember laughing out loud at a Society preview of the Bakshi cartoon film, when the Elf rides up to Frodo just before Rivendell and introduces himself as … Legolas (though it does make cinematic sense to drop Glorfindel).

86

I can’t take credit for writing this one, something I’ve had in my email archives, lo these many years…

G

Lothlorien Rhapsody
Written by Freddie Mercury
(As told by Dionysus, performed by Frodo and the Sweathogs)

(Frodo)
Is this the real life?
Is this High Fantasy?
Caught in a land war.
No escaping my destiny.

(Sam)
Open your eyes, look up to the sky and see…

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit, I need no sympathy.
These Rings are easy come, easy go, Little high, little low.
Anywhere these Rings go doesn’t really matter to me, to me…

(Eowyn)
Mama, just killed a wraith,
Put my sword up to his head,
Ran him through and now he’s dead.

(Gollum)
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.

(Frodo)
Mama, oooh, Didn’t mean to make you cry,
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, as if these Rings don’t really matter…

(Sauron)
Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

(Bilbo)
Goodbye, ev’rybody, I’ve got to go…
Gotta leave you all behind and face the West…

(Gollum)
Mama, ooooh, [(Frodo) Anywhere the Rings go…] I don’t want to die.
I sometimes wish I’d never found this Ring at all…

(Cool guitar riff.)

(Hobbits)
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Saruman! Saruman! What will you do with Frodo?
(The Nine Wraiths)
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very fright’ning- me!

(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry and Legolas) Gandalf-eo, Mithrandir…
(Gollum) Smeagol…

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit and nobody loves me.
(Fellowship)
He’s just a Baggins, from a Shire family.
Spare him his life of this Ring bear-r-ring.

(Gollum)
Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) No, I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me goooo!..
(Fellowship) No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Bilbo)
Mama mia, mama mia!
(Gollum)
Mama mia let me go!

(Frodo)
The Loooord of Mordor has a Ring-Wraith set aside for me…
For Me…
For MEEEEEEE!!!

(REALLY cool guitar riff.)

(Sauron)
So you think you can fool me and spit in my Eye?
(Gollum)
So you think you can use me and leave to die?
(Sauron and Gollum)
Oh, Frodo! Can’t do this to me, Frodo!

(Frodo and Sam)
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here…

(Even more cool guitar…)

(All)
Oohh Yeah! Oooh Yeah!

(Galadriel)
These Rings don’t really matter, anyone can see…
(Elrond)
These Rings don’t really matter…
(Gandalf)
These Rings don’t really matter…
(Galadriel, Elrond, Gandalf, Bilbo)
To me…

(Frodo)
Anywhere these Rings go…

87

Any Poppy Z. Brite fans here?

"On their last night before entering Mordor, Frodo hummed a tune he heard from a techno-goth band in Bree, and gazed at the sleeping Samwise. Sam’s nose ring glistened in the moonlight and his tatoos shimmered like a woman’s ass. Frodo reached down and took a drop of spit from Sam’s mouth and tasted it. It was sweet, faintly tasting of pipeweed. What am I doing, he thought, tasting hobbit spit when we are about to enter Mordor. Tomorrow, they might be captured by Orcs and slowly tortured, their blood drained, their skin flayed and roasted and fed back to them. But tonight they had only each other, and Sam looked so very beautiful and perfect in the night. He crept up from the stuffed Elf head he was using as a pillow, and slowly reached his hand into Sam’s breeches…

88

I’d love to do a Stephen King version of the end of Return of the King, but taking the potential profanity out would shorten to to about four sentences. :slight_smile:

89

This story is about Middle Earth. The time was the Third Age, a different kind of age, a watershed age where one era was ending in Middle Earth and another beginning. It was the year The Shire decided to directly interviene in the epic affairs of obscure and distant Mordor. It was the year we went to war. In the broad, traditional sense, that “we” who went to was was all of us, all of Middle Earth, thogh in truth at that time the larger majority had little knowledge of, less interest in, and no great concern with what was beginning so far away.
So this story is about the smaller, more tightly focused “we” of that sentence: the first of the Fellowship, who boarded First Era-era ships, quested to that little known place, and fought the last major battle of a conflict that would not drag on.

We Were Hobbits, Once…and Short and Fat
Lt. Gen. Frodo Baggins (Ret.) and Samwise L. Gamgee

90

This story is about Middle Earth. The time was the Third Age, a different kind of age, a watershed age where one era was ending in Middle Earth and another beginning. It was the year The Shire decided to directly interviene in the epic affairs of obscure and distant Mordor. It was the year we went to war. In the broad, traditional sense, that “we” who went to was was all of us, all of Middle Earth, though in truth at that time the larger majority had little knowledge of, less interest in, and no great concern with what was beginning so far away.
So this story is about the smaller, more tightly focused “we” of that sentence: the first of the Fellowship, who boarded First Era-era ships, quested to that little known place, and fought the last major battle of a conflict that would not drag on.

We Were Hobbits, Once…and Short and Fat
Lt. Gen. Frodo Baggins (Ret.) and Samwise L. Gamgee

91

BWAHAHA!!!

The Hans Christian Anderson one was brilliant too, waiting for someone to do a Brothers Grimm.

My contribution:

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as “the nine” were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terroist safe haven known as “Lothlorien” several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangereous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously resif\ding in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foriegn affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

“We will act in our utmost to bring these terroists to justice” President Sauron declared today. “These terroists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lords minions will be strong and resolute.”

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terroists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwaves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as “Mithrander”.

“I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race” President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. “These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists, they do not speak for hobbit kind”.

Agents also believe that these terroists have strong links to the group that assasinated the Foriegn Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terroist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defences the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. “How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that theres a group of orc killers roaming the countryside” a concerend mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

– written by CNN correspondant, Saurman

92

No sorry, wrong game, wrong glee, my mistake. :wink:

Hehe, small world huh? I loved your Austrailian version! Fantastic!

93

There’s the ring that comes in a Cracker Jack box, which only costs you half a dollar,
And there’s the ring you find in laundry that lingers around the collar.
There are rings that come with diamonds that are used plight one’s troth,
And there’s a ring round planet Saturn – or is it Jupiter? – or possibly both.
But whatever ring you have, there’s one type of ring that admits no tomfoolery
And that’s magic jewellery.
For as soon as you put it on, you’re sure to disappear abruptly
And whatever you were doing before, you’ll soon be doing it corruptly
And it doesn’t matter whether you’re a dwarf or a human king,
Sooner or later, you succumb to the ring.
As it happens, a particularly nasty specimen of finger jewellery fell into the possession of a plucky young hobbit named Frodo,
And before long he was being chased across the countryside by Nazgul, who were trying to kill him dead as a dodo
For which the only cure was to fling the cursed thing into the lava pits of Orodruin
But that wasn’t the only trouble bruin
Because Saruman and Sauron were waging a war with goblins and Uruk-Hai and orcs
Against which the hobbits didn’t have much chance, being less familiar with swords than they were with spoons and forks.
So Frodo and his companion Sam
Left the rest of their Fellowship and went on the lam
Encountering along the way a creature known as Gollum
Who pretended to help them on their way while actually trying to stallum.
On and on they went, fighting orcs and spiders and fatigue
While the forces of evil busied themselves with mayhem and intrigue.
At the end, Frodo decided not to destroy the ring, but as he lingered
He suddenly found himself nine-fingered
While Gollum fell into the magma with a final ‘poof’
Proving that even the best magic rings won’t make you lava-proof.
Frodo and Sam, having thus disposed of both the ring and Smeagol
Decided that they deserved a nice vacation, and flew off to the Bahamas by eagol.
And Aragorn and Arwen got married and ruled as King and Queen
And Gandalf and the elves sailed into the West and were nevermore seen,
Which, considering the rather bleak way this tale’s been wending,
Is about as much as one could ask from a happy ending.
That being said, it seems to me that to accept a ring from the likes of Sauron
You’d have to be a mauron.

94

Can someone do a Jack Chick version? I wouldn’t do it justice, I’m afraid.

95

At the Sign of the Prancing Sheep

“Draw me a nazgul.”
“What?”
“Draw me a nazgul.”
I jumped on my feet as though I’d been slapped by an invisible Baggins, and rubbed my eyes. The most extraordinary hobbit watched me gravely. I’ve drawn a picture of him, but it isn’t anywhere near as charming as the original. It isn’t my fault. I was discouraged from my career as an artist at age six by the big Numeoreans. I’ve never been able to draw anything except cross sections of orcs. And for that, I’ve used swords. “What are you standing there for?”
He watched me gravely, and said, as if it were a matter of great concern, “If you please, draw me a nazgul.”
I said I was a ranger who studied geography, and history, and rings, but that I didn’t know how to draw. He answered, “I must know. Draw me a nazgul.”
I drew as best I knew how, producing something like an orc that had swallowed a dwarf.
“No! No!” he said. “Not a vivisected orc! I need to know what a nazgul looks like!”
I drew a picture of a horse.
“What kind of nazgul is that?”
“It’s riding its horse. It’s been decowled.”
He tilted his head, and toyed with a golden ring. “Oh, yes! I think I see!”
That’s how I made the acquaintance of the prince of hobbits.

J.R.R. de Saint Exupery

96

What, no detailed descriptions of Hobbit architecture? :stuck_out_tongue:

97

Field Guide to the Large Winged Creatures of Middle Earth by Roger Tory Peterson:

Eagle
Thoron Wingspread up to 180 ft.
Largest bird in Middle Earth. Sometimes known to carry Wizards, dwarfs and Hobbits, either in talons or on back.
Voice Speak Westron, Quenya.
Range Mountainous areas of Middle Earth, esp. Misty Mountains, Vale of Anduin, Wilderland. Sometimes hunts far from mountains.
Similar Species Only flying creature of similar size is Winged Nazgul (see).

Winged Nazgul
Ulari Hideous flying cretures. Can be told from Eagle at a distance by longer neck (suitable for hacking off head), lack of feathers. Closer up, foul odor and prescence of undead Ringwraith on back is diagnostic.
Voice A harsh croak
Range Mordor and surrounding mountains and areas, to Field of Pelennor (1 report). Very rare, if indeed it still exists.

98

A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering Middle Earth on the Eastward Trail (by Bill Bryson):

I waited for Sam for three-quaters of an hour, then went looking for him. Finally, I rounded a bend and there he was stumbling toward me, wild haired and nearer hysteria than I have ever seen a grown hobbitt.
It was hard to get the full story out of him in a coherent flow, but I gathered he had thrown many items from his pack over a cliff in a temper.
“What did you get rid of?” I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm.

99

A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering Middle Earth on the Eastward Trail (by Bill Bryson):

I waited for Sam for three-quaters of an hour, then went looking for him. Finally, I rounded a bend and there he was stumbling toward me, wild haired and nearer hysteria than I have ever seen a grown hobbitt.
It was hard to get the full story out of him in a coherent flow, but I gathered he had thrown many items from his pack over a cliff in a temper.
“What did you get rid of?” I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm.
“Heavy fcking sht, that’s what! The rope, the pots and pans, the little box from Galadriel, I don’t know what all. F*ck!”

“The food from Farmir?”
“Flung”
“The water bottle?”
“Flung”
“The lembas?”
“Flung far!”

This was begining to sound a trifle grave…

100

LOTR by Dave Barry:

"Once upon a time, there was a hobbit named (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!) Frodo Baggins. He lived in Middle-Earth, where people spent a lot of time drinking ale and smoking some kind of strange weed in a pipe, which is undoubtedly why his parents gave him a name like “Frodo.” (“Hey, babe, pass the bong, and turn up the Iron Butterfly… oh, and let’s name the kid Frodo.” “PFFFFFFFFT! Sure, sweetie… and do we have any more Doritos?”).

Now, life got complicated for Frodo because of his uncle Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo. Sorry, I just like saying “Bilbo.” Bilbo. Anyway, be that as it may, Bilbo.

Sorry, that won’t happen again. Anyway, years before, Bilbo had traded his cow for a bunch of magic beans, climbed up a beanstalk, killed a giant, and stolen his magic ring. Ha ha! No, I’m just kidding of course- that was Rapunzel. But Bilbo got a magic ring from this guy named Gollum. Gollum was slimy, foul-smelling and lived in a cave. He was sort of like Newt Gingrich, only a little more charming. Gollum ate nothing but raw fish… which reminds me of a letter I got from Mrs. Elsie Hammerdingle of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who sent me this clip from the Daily Bugle. It says that hundreds of people in Maryland have snakehead fish coming up their toilets and biting them on the buns.

Now, clearly, this is a job for the Pentagon. As long as they’re spending $5 trillion per toilet seat, they could at least invent one with heat sensors and laser guided snakehead fish killers. That way, if Gollum tried to swim up Frodo’s toilet and bite his furry tushie, he’d be toast.

Bilbo. (Sorry, I couldn’t help it!)