From one TMQ addict to another: This is pure genius! Bravo!
If “Lord of the Rings” had been written by Bill Gates.
It was a beautiful day in Bag End as Bilbo prepared to celebrate his birt–
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
crash
(reboot)
… to celebrate his birthday. He was happy to have a secret that he was going to spring on everyone when all the Hob–
FATAL EXCEPTION 0C: STACK FAULT
crash
(reboot)
(Text lost)
It was a beautiful day in Bag End when Bilbo looked out his windows
BLUE SCREEN
A Very Brady Fellowship
Here’s the story
Of the Hobbit Frodo
Who was bringing this One Ring into Mount Doom.
Also there, the wizard Gandalf.
Until that bridge went ‘boom.’
Here’s the story
Of a man named Strider
Who was busy on a questing of his own.
Elves and dwarves, they all had cities
But humans had no throne.
Till the one day when the Hobbit met with Strider
And they knew it was time to take a trip,
That this group would be Sauron’s undoing.
That’s the way we all became the Fellowship.
The Fellowship, the Fellowship.
That’s the way we all became the Fellowship.
Mr. Cheatem,
After consulting with my client, I am now given to understand that the aforementioned robbery was perpetrated by the leader of a large contingent of trespassers and, in fact, took place on his at his very doorstep. I was previously unaware of this tortious conduct because my client, after a lengthy period of reflection and consultation with his spiritual advisors, had decided to forgive the malefactors and, so, chose not to prosecute his rightful claims in tort against them.
However, since you now appear determined to force my client to revisit these awful and emotionally distressing events, we have no choice but to address them. It is my client's contention that at the time that this gang of hoodlums trespassed upon his property, assaulted not only himself but his entire household,\ and robbed him, he was peacefully attending to the education of the underprivileged races he had magnanimously taken into his care. He found it necessary to shelter these poor beings due to the inveterate and unconscionable racial discrimination they suffered at the hands of men and elves outside the boundaries of the Principality which he is honoured to administer.
At no time didmy client, by any action or inaction, cause said trespass or in way provoke the aforesaid aggression on the part of Isuldur and his gang. As such, we stand firm in our conviction that his possession of the item of personal property in question - and that of any subsequent takers - was in fact unlawful.
We are confident that, should it become necessary to litigate this matter, we will have no difficulty persuading a jury of fair-minded citizens that any witnesses you may bring to impeach my client's character can and will be shown to be motivated primarily by the very racial animus against which he has fought for so long. Ample evidence exists, after all, that your client, his uncle, and the majority of their intimate associates are in fact brigands whose fell deeds, including but not limited to multiple homicides of members of "undesireable races", are as notorious as they are odious.
The credibility of any such witnesses will therefore be so low that we are doubtful that the jury will give much wieght to any testimony they may offer as to ancillary matters. Insofar as you have no means - apart from the dubious testimony of such ruffians and murderers - by which to prove your assertions as to the manner in which Mr. Baggins came into possession of my client's property, we are entriely confident that the court will render a judgment in our favour. However, as I have repeatedly said, it is our sincere hope that no such unpleasantness will be necessary. Despite his advanced age and medical infirmity, my client has bent over backward to be reasonable, even offering to pay any expenses associated with the return of his property. I expect your prompt and affirmative reply by return mail.
Sincerely,
Grima Crebain,
Attorney at Law
cc: Johnny Cochran, Associate Counsel
Pucky :applause:
IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single wizard in possession of a great power must be in want of a ring.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering middle earth, this ring is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding beings, that it is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of the inhabitants.
My dear Mr. Frodo,'' said Gandalf to him one day, have you heard that Barad Dur is let at last?’’
Mr. Frodo replied that he had not.
But it is,'' returned he; for Mr. Gollum has just been here, and he told me all about it.’’
Mr. Frodo made no answer.
Does not he want to know who has taken it?'' cried Gandalf impatiently. You want to tell me what to do, and I have no objection to hearing it.’’
This was invitation enough.
“You deserve a longer letter than this; but it is my unhappy fate seldom to treat people so well as they deserve.”
-Jane Austen
Boromir’s final song, as performed by Twisted Sister.
We’re not gonna take it
No! We aint gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it to Mordor!
We’ve got the ring of power
Now lets get back to Gondor
Save our own life, write our own song
We’ll fight the hordes of Mordor
Back to that ol big black door
Give me that ring, it wont take long
We’re not gonna take it
No! We aint gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it to Mordor!
Sauron is not all that bad
I’ll give the ring to my dad
He’ll know just what, what we should do
Your life don’t have to end here
Get back to your dear shire
Give me the ring, I’ll run you through!
Oh… Oh…
Three Rings (Elves!)
Seven More (Dwarves!)
And Nine (Men!)
The One (All!)
We’re not gonna take it
No! We aint gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it to Mordor!
(repeat)
Spoken: Orcs are worthless and weak!
- Driving Theoden mad: One Grima
- Leading Denethor to dispair and suborning Saruman: Two Palantirs
- Creating the Nazgul: Nine Rings
- Dominating all that lives: Precious!
Some peoples in Middle Earth are free.
For everyone else, there’s MasterRing!
Amicus Curiae Statement from Tom Bombadil:
Zem, HBergeron, it is clear that this case is going to be decided in the trenches of jury selection and the battle over jusridiction.
For instance…were the case tried in Fifth Circuit Court, Minas Morgul before Judge Wormtongue and a jury of Uruk-Hai and Orcs, we might expect a verdict in favor of complainant, incorporeal or not.
OTOH, Third Circuit Court of Rivendell, presided over by Judge Elrond (if he were not forced to recuse himself) and a jury of Elves, Hobbits and Men, would likely find for the Hobbit.
On yet another hand, the Tenth Circuit Appeals Court in Denver, with a jury of retards, retirees and unemployed trailer park dwellers would probably be instructed to find that the Ring go into recievership until the several millenia of back taxes were paid.
I fear this matter, though, will be decided outside court
Through action, not by law or precedent or or tort.
As for myself, I’ll dance down flowered secret paths
all your contentions soon forgot, and sing a song so merry,
and soon bring gifts of herb and laughter to my dear Goldberry.
More haiku…
The Two Towers
Book Three
The Departure of Boromir
Goodbye, Boromir.
Frodo and Sam have left us.
Let’s all hunt some orc!
The Riders of Rohan
See Aragorn run.
They meet with Eomer’s band-
Orcs slain; hobbits gone…
The Uruk-Hai
Hobbits are kidnapped;
Orcs fight, ambushed by Rohan.
Hobbits then escape!
Treebeard
Do not be hasty-
Ents are walking, talking trees.
Hoom, hm, hoom, room tum.
The White Rider
Pursuing hobbits,
Three hunters enter Fangorn,
Where they meet Gandalf!
The King of the Golden Hall
Theoden possessed;
Saruman’s power banished.
Grima Wormtongue flees.
Helm’s Deep
Massive battle fought;
Legolas: I’ve killed twenty
Gimli: Twenty-one!
The Road to Isengard
Not much happens here;
All journey to Isengard,
Where they meet old friends.
Flotsam and Jetsam
Hobbits find pipeweed;
They tell what happened to them.
More explanation…
The Voice of Saruman
Saruman charming,
Almost convinces Gandalf.
A wizard no more.
The Palantir
A fool of a Took
Looks into the palantir,
Eye almost finds them.
Book Four
The Taming of Smeagol
Hobbits are lost.
Gollum promises to serve,
Swears by the Precious.
The Passage of the Marshes
Don’t look at the lights!
Dead soldiers in the water,
Hobbits will join them.
The Black Gate is Closed
Can’t get in Mordor-
Front door is guarded by orcs.
There’s a secret way.
Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit
Smeagol always helps.
The hobbits meet Faramir.
Sam sees Oliphaunt.
The Window on the West
Faramir curious:
What is this Isildur’s Bane?
Frodo will not tell.
The Forbidden Pool
Gollum is bitter;
He no longer trusts Master.
Faramir leaves them.
Journey to the Cross-Roads
Hobbits are walking,
They sleep, they wake, they sleep, they wake,
Not much else happens.
The Stairs of Cirith Ungol
Ring growing heavy;
Sauron’s army emerges.
Frodo and Sam climb.
Shelob’s Lair
Were it up to me,
I wouldn’t go into there!
I can’t stand spiders!
The Choices of Master Samwise
Thinking Frodo dead,
Sam decides to bear the Ring.
He hides from the orcs.
Der Ring by Karl Marx
And so we see the historical coalescence and atrophying (Verkümmerung) of the traditional forces, centres of power, long securing their control in “middle earth” and thereby usurping the natural wellsprings of ingenuity and creativity for their own gain, thence suppressing the most potent stopgap to their power: Human Will(1). Take for example the elves, ever-increasingly drawing away from the “greedy” dwarves and the “foolish” hobbits, ensconcing themselves in their sylvan castles while nonetheless utilizing the other species as a kind of “human ammunition” in their hegemonic war of the Ring against the “evil” Sauron; either the Ring will be destroyed and the elves the victors, or Sauron will capture The Ring and destroy the elves.
This is of course ridiculous; the Ring and the war is used merely as a means to distract and manipulate the great majority of society while maximizing the benefit and minimizing the loss to the respective ruling cultures. Have there been wars fought over the Ring before? Of course there have, ending not in the destruction of one or the other, but rather ultimately promoting the status quo, albeit with a moderate shift in the balance of power. Will there be future wars for the Ring? That we can be sure of, this underlined by the giving of the Ring to one of the most unlikely of creatures, a hobbit. Will the Ring be destroyed? Hardly likely, indeed truly a laughable prospect, considering the renowned lassitude and weakness of hobbits. True, the Ring might fall into Sauron’s hands, thus ostensibly increasing his power in respect to the elves (though indeed it is more likely that the Ring will merely be “lost” once more); but this is secondary to the need to suppress the greater danger presented by an unfettered populous.
But it is exactly here that we see written the end of both the elven society (and thus ultimately too their hobbit middle-men) and Sauron’s realm (Reich); for even within the respective societies the centralization of power advances, this much more advanced in the “dark lands” with only Sauron and his henchman Sauroman holding sway over the downtrodden orcs of the land, but inevitable as well among the elves, whom we see already have retreated to merely a handful of outposts, increasingly jealous of their privacy and security; both are in fact marginalizing themselves, preparing the day of their own irrelevance, when peoples of their own creation will simply sweep them away into the dustbin of history.
- This construction is not meant to solely apply to humans; indeed, this common formulation is indicative of the societal mores constructed to support the unnatural coalescence of power.
Man this thread ROCKS!!
someone should archive all the posts properly…
I lack the talent to do it myself
But anyone wanna attempt a Dean Koontz take on LotR??
Tad Williams?
Baggins looked out into the darkness, the cold rain churning the ankle-deep mud in the street. The white horse on the sign above him seemed to shine in the darkness, its whiteness a joke in this miserable little town.
“This is all so much bullshit” he muttered to the rain as he turned back into the bar. The old man hadn’t shown. Not that Baggins was surprised; somehow he had known that it would end this way. Somehow his being right didn’t comfort him in the dark interior of the dive, miles from the home he couldn’t return to and clueless as to what his next step would be.
It suddenly hit him again, the itch in the back of his brain telling him he was in danger. Not from the color in the bar; he had jived the mark on the bar when he came in, someone’s joe-boy to be sure, but nothing he couldn’t handle. This was different, bigger, the sense that someone, something was groping for him, seeking him out in the night. The pressure swelled in his head, his panic becoming almost palpable. He fingered his ROP, wishing nothing more than to jack in, to loose this place, this scene. “Sit down, Baggins,” he said to himself, “just move the legs and go.” Somehow he found an empty booth, collapsing into its high-backed seats with a sigh.
From nowhere a man slid into the seat next to him, large and leather-bound, the stench of horses and days on the road rising from his cloak. “Strider,” he said, extending a calloused hand across the table. Baggins ignored the gesture, fixing instead the man’s eyes with a stare. How had he not seen this man when first coming into the bar? “Strider, right. You make that up, or someone give you that handle, Strider?” A quick grin crossed the mans face as he slowly withdraw his hand. “There’s nothing wrong with a little anonymity, right, Mr. Underhill?”
This stuff is all too highbrow for me, so i’m gonna take it down a couple notches. First off: LOTR as told by Goofus and Gallant of Highlights for Children:
Instead of destroying it in the cracks of mount Doom, Goofus gives the One Ring of Power to Saruman so he can easily rule all of middle-earth.
“It’s really no trouble. I was heading that way anyways,” says Gallant.
And the thing we all fear most (or I do anyways), FANFICTION
“Hello!” Says frodo to the other hobbts standing around. “what’s happening?”
O NO! BOROMIR IS DYING SOMEBODYSAVE HIM BEFOR HE DIES SCREMED MERRY.
“I will save him!!1” I said.
“Falco? What are you doing here? ANd how can you help?” proclameed teh wizzard, who i saved earleer by killing bad balrug with a spirt bom taht GOKU tot me
dont you see i asked, ASH ketchum is hre to help us all’!! i told all the ppel
and then he told pikachu to zap all the orcs and he did and said PIKAPIKA
"Oh Falco, says ashketchm, "I don’t need pikachu anemore you can have him!!!1
“Horray! I said, I know all about the ring thing and i am here to help you!!!
‘rilly?’ said froddo? 'how can falco help us kill teh evel ring?”
I have the transformer OPTIMUS PRIME to hlep me sometimes!!!and he can fly us to mount doomy!!!
OH WOW YOU ARE SO COOL FALCO ALl the hbbits sed and legolas and gimli too
and then bormir got up and said "i don’t wont the ring annnemore, i will go and be happy somwhere else.
YAYY said spongebob who was also with me, NOW WE ARE ALL FRIENDS, EVEN GOLLUM
TEH END!!!
sorry
BTW, really liked the wesley willis one, how about LOTR as a cake song?
Frodo’s Bad High School Poetry
The Ring
The ring is my soul
Burnt and lonely
And cast into fire
Without you
Mordor
On and on I go
To mordor and death
DeatH!
To lie in blackness ever still
Ever on strange symbollic journeys
I am alone alone
And none shall know my burden but me
loved it!!! so nabokov!!!
adapted from ‘The Ring of Fire’ – Johnny Cash
performed by Gandalf The Gray in Bag End, private session for Frodo Baggins.
Sauron’s a guy who’s mean
And he makes a fiery Ring
Bound by one desire –
but wound up in the Shire.
Cast it into The Burning Hill of Fire.
Throw it down, down, down,
deny desire,
Let it burn, burn, burn,
The Ring in fire, The Ring in fire.
The taste of power is sweet
And Men, they long for it.
They fell for it like a child
and then The Ring got wild.
It fell into a river near the Shire,
it went down, down, down,
and Gollum’s it admired.
It was found, found, found
and spread desire, and spread desire.
Cast it into The Burning Hill of Fire.
Throw it down, down, down
despite desire,
Let it burn, burn, burn,
The Ring in fire, The Ring of fire.
Far from the Shire (and fade)
Wow. 20 pages, 1000 replies.