If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1022

Someone requested Dr. Phil…

Dr. Phil: Welcome, all. Today, we’ll be talking to a sad case. A small boy, who insists he’s grown, with a frightening case of paranoid delusions that caused him to run away from home with his mother’s wedding ring.

(audience gasps)

Dr. Phil: I know, I know! His name is Philip, but he insists on being called 'Frodo". We’ll humor him for the moment, because I understand he’s become violent a time or two. Let’s bring him out…Frodo?

(Frodo comes out…audience applauds)

Dr. Phil: Welcome, Frodo.

Frodo: Thank you, Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: Now, Frodo, you know why you’re here, don’t you?

Frodo: Well, Dr. Phil, my friend Gandalf thought that it might be a good idea for me to come and talk through my experiences with you, because I’ve been a bit depressed lately, since returning from Mordor missing a finger…

Dr. Phil: What’d you do to your finger, son?

Frodo: I didn’t do anything to it! Gollum bit it off! And after I’d been so nice to him, too!

Dr. Phil: Son, I think we all know there is no “Gollum”

Frodo: Huh?

Dr. Phil: And this “Gandalf” person that you mentioned…that’s really your father, isn’t it, Frodo?

Frodo: No! Gandalf’s not even a Hobbit!

Dr. Phil: A what?

Frodo: A Hobbit…that’s what I am…Gandalf’s a Wizard, so obviously, he can’t be my father!

Dr. Phil: Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Son… Now, then…let’s talk about Sam.

Frodo: Sam? My gardener? He isn’t why I’m depressed! In fact, he cheers me up!

Dr. Phil: Isn’t Sam actually your brother, Frodo?

Frodo: My brother? No…if anything, he’s my cousin, but that’s way way back on my great-grandmother Took’s side…

Dr. Phil: And didn’t you attack Sam, Frodo?

Frodo: Well…yes…but it was The Ring! It wasn’t me!

Dr. Phil: The ring attacked Sam?

Frodo: Well, no…yes…well…

Dr. Phil: Frodo, I think what we have here is a classic case of sibling rivalry…and you’re just gonna have to face facts, Son. Let’s bring Sam and Gandalf out, now.

(Sam and Gandalf enter, audience applauds)

Dr. Phil: Welcome, welcome…Sam…it must have been very painful for you when Frodo attacked you. Tell us about it.

Sam: Well, Sair, I was just trying to make sure that he didn’t step off that ledge, and next thing I knows, I’m on the hard stone floor, with him on top of me, wild-eyed, with a sword pointed at my throat!

(audience gasps)

Sam: I had to say “Mister Frodo!” a couple of times before I think he even recognized me!

Dr. Phil: It’s so sad when sibling jealousies erupt into violence, isn’t it, folks?

(audience makes noises of agreement)

Dr. Phil (to Gandalf): Sir, why don’t you tell us why we’re all here today…it was your idea to come in, wasn’t it?

Gandalf: Yes it was, Dr. Phil. Ever since Frodo came back to us, I’ve seen him pulling inside of himself, deeper and deeper…he’s just not the carefree loving boy he once was…I blame myself.

Dr. Phil: Sure…it’s hard to be a parent…But sometimes, there’s an underlying illness…You can’t blame yourself.

Gandalf: (heavy sigh) you’re right, Dr. Phil.

Frodo: Underlying illness?? It was just The Ring!

Dr. Phil: Yes, let’s here some more about this ring…where did you get the ring, Frodo?

Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me! It was my uncle’s ring, but when he went away to Rivendell…

Dr. Phil: Rivendell? Is that in New Jersey?

Frodo: No…Rivendell, where the elves live.

Dr. Phil (clearly humoring him): OH…where the elves live…uh huh…go on…

Frodo: So when Uncle Bilbo went away to Rivendell, on his eleventy-first birthday…

Dr. Phil: His which birthday?

Frodo: Eleventy-first.

Dr. Phil (humoring him still): uh huh…go on…

Frodo: after the party, then Gandalf came to me and gave me The Ring and asked if I could read the writing on it. At first I didn’t see it, but then all of a sudden, there it was. I could see it, but I couldn’t read it.

Dr. Phil: Now isn’t that sad? I always think it’s so sad to hear about someone who’s illiterate in this day and age. Frodo…I want you to tell Sam that you’re sorry you attacked him.

Frodo: I already did! But okay…Sam, I’m sorry I attacked you.

Dr. Phil: now you boys hug…go on now…hug…don’t be afraid of it.

(Sam and Frodo hug tentatively…the audience oohs and applauds).

Gandalf: So, Dr. Phil…what do you recommend?

Dr. Phil: Oh, medication, definitely.

Frodo: WHAT?

Dr. Phil: Thanks for coming, everybody. Tomorrow on “Dr. Phil”, we’ll have the story of a love triangle, between a woman who calls herself a “shield maiden”, another woman who says she’s an immortal elf, and a man who thinks he’s a prince…but don’t we all? Until then, folks, have a great day! (theme music comes up as two men in white coats come and drag a bewildered Frodo away; Dr. Phil and Gandalf stand talking; and Sam finds the caterer’s table).

1023

Coolio
“Gollum’s Paradise”

As I walk up the path to the Crack of Doom
I take a look at my life and realize that I’m a great big foo’
Cuz I was wearin that ring for so long
That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone
But I aint never crossed a man that didnt deserve it
Tried to steal my precious, you know that’s unheard of
Frodo better watch how he talkin and where he walkin
Or him and his Samwise might be lined in chalk
I really hate to trip, but I gotta, Loc
I feel old, I see myself in the ring of gold, fool
Im the kinda dude the little hobbits attitude is like
“Stay on your knees, Gus
and shut up about precious”

Chorus:
Been spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise
Been spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise
Keep spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise
Keep spending most of my life living in Gollum’s Paradise

Power and the precious, precious and the power
Minute after minute, hour after hour
Frodo and Sam is runnin, but neither one is lookin
At whats goin on, they’re so dumb
I think I’ll bite Frodo’s thumb
They say the ring ain’t mine, but they really can’t make me
If it wasn’t for that fucker Bilbo no one could reach me
I guess they cant
I guess they wont
I guess they front
Thats why I know my life is outta luck, fool

Repeat Chorus

Tell me why they all can’t see
That the precious does belong to me
Tell me why they all can’t see
That the precious does belong to me

1024

Hmmm. I’m not sure that LotR is complicated enough for Martin, but here goes…

*Frodo lay in his bed, wishing the servants would just leave him be. All this fussing about was making him feel impotent. But he allowed them to minister to him. It being the anniversary of his wounding at Weathertop, he was overcome by the memory of agony.

The pain always reminded him of another trip, far more painful in its way. The return to Minas Tirith, after Aragorn had announced himself. With Denethor gone by his own hand, Aragorn’s uncle and his brother had made competing claims for the throne. And Frodo found himself in the very middle of it, armed only with Sting and the steady companionship of Samwise Gamgee.

The worst was the day that Aragorn’s sister came down to Minas Tirith, bringing her son, only a toddler. She had been unaware of the dispute over succession, thinking only that she would foster young Bran with Aragorn. To Frodo, that memory always came in sharp, slashing images without attendant motion. Bran, walking bouncing from one uncle to another, feeling happy and safe for the first time in some weeks despite the omnipresent sense of dread that hung in the air at the banquet. The archers coming in from the anteroom. The screams. Bran - a threat to the claims of three men to a throne their family had not sat upon in three millenia - now a broken husk, wrapped up by his mother as she lay dead with no less than three arrows protruding from her back.

And the knife. Always the knife. He couldn’t get the knife that killed poor Bran out his mind’s eye once his thought turned to it. Would anyone connect it to him? Would Aragorn, his reign now stained with the blood of innocents, seek to dress those wounds by mounting a deeper inquiry. Or would he put it behind him and turn his attention to the newer threat in the castle atb the mouth of the Anduin - the Pretender and his rogue wizard and who knew what dark arts. This anniversary would pass with the night, but the fear and dread embedded in those questions would haunt Frodo forever.*

1025

The Blues Hobbits :

Lothlorien Nazguls ! … I hate Lothlorien Nazguls !

1026

Ring in Black

Frodo: Oh come on Gandalf, when do I get a big walking stick and big explosions and stuff?

Gandalf: When you’re grown up.

Frodo: Oh… whipes his eyebrow with his middle finger in Gandalf’s direction

Gandalf: Do you realize what we have here? Do you know what seeks a plain gold ring which shows text only after being heated in a fire?

Frodo: Damn man, that was Final Jeopardy at the pub last night…

Gandalf: Imagine, a giant form of pure evil parading through Middle Earth and the Shire, terrorizing people and controlling them all. Does that sound like fun.

Frodo: Alright… what’s the plan.

… later in the story …

Sam: So Frodo, we’re the top dogs, we’re the saviors of middle earth, do you think they’ll sing songs about us?

Frodo: I don’t know Sam.

Sam: I mean seriously, who else will they be able to talk about after this is all over?

Frodo: Sam, we’re in the middle of a vast reaches of evil, maybe we could talk later.

Sam: Sure thing Frodo … [singing quietly] Who let the hobbits out… yip yip yip-yip…

Frodo: SAM! STOP!

Sam: Quiet sir! We’re in the middle of evil.

… Later in the story …

As rain pours down on Helm’s Deep and the Orcs are running forward.

Zedagorn: Hold… Hold… Hold…

Worm Legion (all 4 of them): Uhhhhh No way… Yeah we’re out… Splitting… No change…

Zedagorn: Worthless Scum! Bob, Grinyak - load the catapult.

And I’m spent.

1027

Well, there’s at least one other, but it takes a much different tack than mine

The Cremation of Gollum the Stoor
Robert W. Service

There were strange things made by the elves who played at the jeweller’s craft (we’re told)
Celebrimbor’s art set fire in the heart of many a band of gold
The Silmaril of Earendil has shone through many a pall
But none so vast as the shadow cast by the Ring to Rule Them All.

Now Sauron the Great had a heart full of hate, if a heart he had ever at all
So the Azh Nazg he made, and the rings he bade to come to the One Ring’s call
And the Seven and Nine soon were toeing the line, and their holders’ hearts his for the taking
But the Three were kept hid from the Eye without Lid, for in these he had none of the making

Well a Ruling Ring is a baneful thing when hewn from its master’s hand
It betrayed Isildur, and Gollum the Stoor (who could not resist its command)
So it came on a time, through riddles in rhyme, to Baggins, of Bag End, the Shire
There settling in, it stretched him all thin, and made him a bit of a liar

1028

When Sam Gamgee ran from the mines Morian
His thoughts were not on the Gondorian.
He saw the elf queening,
Looked at her with meaning,
Asked if he could enter Lothlorian.

1029

Ooh, Limericks…lessee…

When our hero, the young prince Aragorn
(You know, the son of King Arathorn?)
Couldn’t choose between Eowyn
And the Elf-maid Arwen
He tied one to each side of his saddle-horn.

But Faromir, he objected, mightily
Said “I think you’ve tied them too tightily”
So he untied the shield-maiden
Since she seemed to be fadin’
And since then he’s been kissin’ her nightily.

1030

And from a friend of mine who’s too lazy to post this himself (his words):

There once was a Hobbit of Shire
Who went to throw The Ring in the fire
Gollum led the way
With plans to make Frodo pay
And in the end good defeated evil desire.

1031

Apologies to Terry Pratchet

Balrgos are quite common throughout the multiverse. They are, in fact, widely known for one outstanding trait. Bad Breath. Big or small, puffy custard-filled or scalding lava filled like this one. All Balrogs have breath that wouldn’t so much curl ones nostril hairs as the nostril itself. Indeed the sinus passage and the whole body of the nostrils owner would curl up and wither after a hint of Balrogs breath. It is often thought that bad breath is the opposite of good breath. It is not. Bad breath is merely the absence of good breath. Balrogs breath is the opposite of all that could ever be good in a gaseous state. It swallows every molecule of life energy from the environment it is exposed to.

And here stood Gandalf. On a tiny slip of a bridge; preparing to show this living lump of lava of a Balrog just who is boss.

Any truly wise Wizard would be showing this Balrog the back of his head….

-mcphil3

1032

with humblest apologies to the Bard:
Gandalf the V and the Fellowship of the Ring

PROLOGUE
enter Chorus

CHORUS
O for a spell of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention,
All Middle-earth for a stage, princes to act
And monarchs to behold the swelling scene!
Then should the hobbit Frodo, like himself,
Assume the port of Mordor; and at his heels,
Leash’d in like hounds, should Nazgul, Orcs and fire
Crouch for employment. But pardon, and gentles all,
The flat unraised spirits that have dared
On this unworthy scaffold to bring forth
So great an object: can this cockpit hold
The vasty fields of Rohan? or may we cram
Within this wooden O the very towers
That did affright the air at Gondor?
O, pardon! since a crooked figure may
Attest in little place a million;
And let us, ciphers to this great accompt,
On your imaginary forces work.
Suppose within the girdle of these walls
Are now confined two mighty powers,
Whose high upreared and abutting fronts
The Fellowship endeavors to part asunder:
Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts;
Into a thousand parts divide on man,
And make imaginary puissance;
Think when we talk of elves, that you see them
Printing their proud feet i’ the receiving earth;
For 'tis your thoughts that now must deck our kings,
Carry them here and there; jumping o’er times,
Turning the accomplishment of many years
Into an hour-glass: for the which supply,
Admit me Chorus to this history;
Who prologue-like your humble patience pray,
Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.
exit

…

ACT IV SCENE III Rivendell

Enter ELROND, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, STRIDER, BOROMIR, FRODO, with all his host: SAMWISE and MERIADOC and PIPPIN.

ELROND Where is the wizard?
LEGOLAS The wizard himself is rode to view our battle.
STRIDER Of fighting men they have full three score thousand.
BOROMIR There’s five to one; besides, they all are fresh.
FRODO God’s arm strike with us! ‘tis a fearful odds.
God be wi’ you, princes all; I’ll to my charge:
If we no more meet till we meet in heaven,
Then, joyfully, my noble Strider,
My dear Samwise, and my good Merry and Pippin,
And my kind friends, warriors all, adieu!
LEGOLAS Farewell, good Frodo; and good luck go with thee!
ARWEN Farewell, kind Strider; fight valiantly to-day:
And yet I do thee wrong to mind thee of it,
For thou art framed of the firm truth of valour.
exit STRIDER and ARWEN
LEGOLAS He is full of valour as of kindness;
Princely in both.
enter the wizard, GANDALF
GIMLI O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those dwarves in Moria,
That do no work to-day!
GANDALF What’s he that wishes so?
My friend Gimli? No, my dwarven cousin:
If we are mark’d to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By my staff, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires:
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a dwarf from Moria;
God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more, methinks, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Gimli, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his pack shall be made
And gold for convoy put into his purse:
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is called the feast of Gilthoniél,
that one upon whom the elves call, with Elbereth:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Gilthoniél.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘To-morrow is the feast of Gilthoniél:’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say ‘These wounds I had on Gilthoniél’s day.’
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Gimli, Legolas and Strider, Boromir, and the hobbits:
Frodo Baggins, Samwise, Merriadoc and Pippin,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Gilthoniél shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember’d;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
We Fellowship of the Ring;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in Gondor now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Gilthoniél’s day.
re-enter STRIDER
STRIDER My lord Gandalf, we must bestow ourselves with speed:
The minions of Mordor are bravely in their battles set,
And will with all expedience charge on us.
GANDALF All things are ready, if our minds be so.
LEGOLAS Perish the one whose mind is backward now!
GANDALF Thou dost not wish more help from Moria, coz?
GIMLI God’s will! my liege, would you and I alone,
Without more help, could fight this royal battle!
GANDALF Why, now thou hast unwish’d five thousand men;
Which likes me better than to wish us one.
You know your places: God be with you all!
Enter an ELF
ELF Once more a message has come to thee, Gandalf,
If for thy ransom thou wilt now compound,
Before thy most assured overthrow:
For certainly thou art so near the gulf,
Thou needs must be englutted. Besides, in mercy,
The constable desires thee thou wilt mind
Thy followers of repentance; that their souls
May make a peaceful and a sweet retire
From off these fields, where, wretches, their poor bodies
Must lie and fester.
GANDALF Who hath sent this message now?
ELF Sauron
GANDALF I pray thee, bear my former answer back:
Bid them achieve me and then sell my bones.
Good God! why should they mock poor fellows thus?
The man that once did sell the lion’s skin
While the beast lived, was killed with hunting him.
A many of our bodies shall no doubt
Find native graves; upon the which, I trust,
Shall witness live in brass of this day’s work:
And those that leave their valiant bones in Mordor,
Dying like men, though buried in your dunghills,
Even in those pits where the Uro-kai are made,
They shall be famed; for there the sun shall greet them,
And draw their honours reeking up to heaven;
Leaving their earthly parts to choke your clime,
The smell whereof shall breed a plague in Mordor.
Mark then abounding valour in our Fellowship of the Ring,
That being dead, like to the arrow’s grazing,
Break out into a second course of mischief,
Killing in relapse of mortality.
Let me speak proudly: tell the constable
We are but warriors for the working-day;
Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch’d
With rainy marching in the mountains and in Rohan;
There’s not a piece of feather in our host–
Good argument, I hope, we will not fly–
And time hath worn us into slovenry:
But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim;
And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night
They’ll be in battle, or they will pluck
The skin o’er the orc’s heads
And turn them out of service. If they do this,–
As, if God please, they shall,– my ransom then
Will soon be levied. Herald, save thou thy labour;
Bid Sauron beg no more for the ring, gentle elf:
He shall have none, I swear, but these my joints;
Which if they have as I will leave ‘em them,
Shall yield them little, tell the constable.
ELF I shall, Gandalf. And so fare thee well:
Thou never shalt hear messages any more.
Exit ELF
GANDALF I fear the Nazgul will once more come again for the ring.
FRODO My lord, most humbly on my knee I beg
That you take the leading of the vaward.
GANDALF Thou shalt take it, brave Frodo, but I shall guide.
Now, Fellowship, we march away:
And how thou pleasest, God, dispose the day!
Exeunt

:slight_smile:

  • trinnity
1033

You Oughta Know

I want you to know
About this evil ring
I’m not too happy
About this quest I take

This evil symbol of hate
Destroy it before it’s too late
Before our Middle Earth goes to chaos
I can’t take more of this pain
I think I’m going insane
I’m sure I’ll never make it over to Mordor

Cause this horrible ring that I hold in my hand is consuming me whole and I don’t think I can survive…no
And every time I put it on and I feel like I’m choking, I’m falling, I want to die
Want to die
But I’m still alive

And I’m here
To remind you
Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring
It’s not fair
That I must bear
All this pain and grief that they gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

All seems very well
Things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well
I thought you should know

Did they forget about me
Was I just too blind to see
Or do they really think I’m capable for this
It was a slap in the face
How I was forced to this race
And are they thinking of me in my journey

Cause this horrible ring that I hold in my hand is consuming me whole and I don’t think I can survive…no
And every time I put it on and I feel like I’m choking, I’m falling, I want to die
Want to die
But I’m still alive

And I’m here
To remind you
Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring
It’s not fair
That I must bear
All this pain and grief that they gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the ring that I wear and the quest that I bear make me realize I’m starting to fade when I close my eyes…oh
And every time I run my fingers cross the ring I think I feel the evil
Yes I can feel it

And I’m here
To remind you
Of the mess I’m in with this evil ring
It’s not fair
That I must bear
All this pain and grief that they gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

1034

This is really just a plot summary, it’s been a while since the
last book came out and I really haven’t had time to do a lot of
pleasure reading lately. Still, I think that this captures a
little of Martin’s crazy style. Those that haven’t read him, this
does kind of contain spoilers as first-time readers are often
surprised by how casual Martin is with who is evil, good, and
likely to be alive when you turn the next page. Anyway, HBergeron
did a good job with his bit, hopefully this will add in another
way.

Book 1: The Fellowship of the Ring…Martin-style

-Gandalf comes to meet Bilbo for his 111st birthday and becomes
suspicious about the ring
-Bilbo leaves, and leaves the ring in Frodo’s care
-Gandalf is curious about the ring and goes to study in Minos Tirith
-While Bilbo is on his way to Rivendell, Gollum cracks and the
ring-wraiths are sent out into Middle-Earth. With the information
“Shire, Baggins” they quickly track down Bilbo. He and all the
others in his inn are massacred but the ring isn’t found
-While Gandalf is doing his research, one of the librarians at Minos
Tirith tells Boromir about the research into the ring. He keeps his
eyes open and does not tell his father.
-Gandalf and the word about Bilbo’s gruesome death get to Frodo at
the same time, so he leaves quickly, Sam in tow. They pick up Merry
and Pippin on their way out of the Shire
-In Bree, after the business with evading the wraiths, they meet up
with Aragorn. Far from being the conflicted, yet noble character
in Tolkien’s world, he’s a little dark and twisted (though not a
“pervy hobbit fancier”. :slight_smile:
-Aragorn takes pleasure in marching the hobbits hard, and they can
hardly keep up, Bill the pony or not. The march hardens them, though,
and they are learning where they can trust Aragorn, and where they
can’t
-At Weathertop Aragorn comes just in time to save the Hobbits, but
focuses on Frodo. Merry dies in the ensuing battle and the Hobbits
berate Aragorn who replies that he was here to get the ring to
Rivendell, not hold hands with slow, inexperienced Hobbits.
-They make it to Rivendell, but are almost drowned as Elrond releases
the waters on Aragorn. Seems he doesn’t really like mortals playing
around with his daughter (he still has issues with being a half-elf)
-Gandalf, meanwhile, finds out about Saruman’s allegence the hard way
and gets stuck on top of his tower. He befriends the orc that brings
him food each day and helps him with some small task. In return, the
orc “forgets” to close the portal leading to the top of Orthanc and
Gandalf escapes. Somehow this orc (we’ll call him Fred) blames
another and manages to live.
-Gandalf gets to Rivendell just in time to keep Elrond and Aragorn from
killing each-other. They form a grudging alliance long enough to
send out a request for a meeting to all left in middle earth that don’t
owe allegiance to Sauron. Boromir gets the notice and convinces his
father to let him go.
-Aragorn and Arwen have a clandestine meeting in the woods and pledge
their love for one-another. One thing leads to another and they
consummate that love a little early. Arwen realizes the next day
(elven talent?) that she’s pregnant, but doesn’t tell anyone.
-At the Council meeting half the people there don’t believe that Sauron
still exists, while the other half want to do a dozen different things
with the ring. Boromir has one of his cronies start talking to people
behind the scene, trying to get them to support giving the ring to
Gondor. He is found out by Aragorn, and Boromir, in a sneaky way to
ingratiate himself kills the crony. He then suggests that as a way
to make up for his countryman’s evil deed he will help take the ring
to Mordor (Gandalf’s idea).
-The rest of the party is formed, and they leave, but not before Gandalf
realizes that Arwen is pregnant. He promises not to tell anyone.
-They are on their way, with Boromir working to make friends with the
Hobbits and turn them against the rest of the party by saying they are
allied with Aragorn…

Argh, too much stuff. The gist of it would be that Boromir actually is
behind the fall of Gandalf (a shot orc-arrow while he was fighting the
Balrog), but redeems himself in dying saving the Hobbits (whom he’s
actually come to like) from the from the Uruk-hai. Frodo, frustrated
with men, elves, etc, leaves with Sam and Pippin for Mordor on his own.

In the second book, Frodo would get deluded into trying to use the ring,
thereby resulting in his death from a ring-wraith’s sword. Sam and
Pippin manage to get the ring back, and are forced to carry on the
journey. Elrond finds out about Arwen’s pregnancy and forces her out,
where she is captured by Uruk-hai. Gandalf is brought back to life by some
mysterious magic that leaves him with his purpose, but he’s not quite
alive and not quite dead. When he meets up with the confused rest of
the Fellowship he tells of Saruman’s capture of Arwen, and they go rushing
off to save her, stopping by Rohan to pick up an army along the way.
Gandalf fights Wormtongue, who manages to kill Theoden before he dies.
That leaves Eowyn as the head of Rohan, and she leads them into battle.
She develops a thing for Aragorn, but keeps it secret as they try to
save his pregnant lover. The ents are brought into the seige by Tom
Bombadil, who has been watching the world of men with more and more
frustration over time. Deciding that Nature needs to do something about
Orthanc’s destruction the combined army defeats the Uruk-hai and
Gandalf uses his orc friend (Fred) to get to Saruman. Saruman kills
himself, but not before taking many of the rohirim and ents with him in a
huge fireball.

I’m not even going to try to wrap this up, because who knows how Martin
manages to do that in his series. He’s killed off so many main characters,
it’s hard to tell who I should be rooting for. Still, I love the fact that
the good guys can be bad, and the bad guys good, which really doesn’t
happen much in Tolkien.

Anyone want to take up a less dry try at Martin? I love the Pratchett stuff that’s been up…more, more!

1035

For anyone who remembers the theme from the tv show Robin Hood, WAY back:

Aragorn, Aragorn, riding through the Mark
Aragorn, Aragorn, fighting 'gainst the dark
His sword is sharp
His love is lorn
Aragron, Aragorn, Aragorn

I have loved this thread.

1036

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a chubby hobbit in possession of a magic ring must be in want of a volcano.

“My dear Mr Baggins,” said his wizard to him one day, “have you heard that the Dark Tower is let again at last?”

Mr Baggins replied that he had not.

“But it is,” returned the wizard; “for the Lady Galadriel has just been here, and she told me all about it.”

Mr Baggins made no answer.

“Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried the wizard impatiently.

“You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.”

It was invitation enough.

“Why, my dear Mr Baggins, you must know, Lady Galadriel says that the Dark Tower is taken by a wraith of great power from the Outer Darkness; that he reembodied himself last Monday, and went down in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he took it immediately; that he is to take possession before the Michaelmas, and that some of his servants are to be in it by the end of next week.”

“What is his name?”

“Sauron.”

“Is he married or single?”

Other Jane Austen fans may post in a thread at the following Austen-related site: http://www.crossmyt.com/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.pl?az=show_thread&om=222&forum=DCForumID73&omm=2&viewmode=threaded

1037

You nailed it. Perfect!

This thread just keeps getting better and better (my own paltry contributions notwithstanding).

1038

Found on Sauron’s Cellphone Of Power:

3RNGZ4LN
KGZ NDR
T SKY;74
DVLDZ NR
HLZ VSTN
94MRTLMN
DM2DI
14T DKLDN
HZ DKTHRN
1RNG2RUL
MAL;1RNG
2FNDM;1
RNG2BRNG
MAL&NT
DRKNZBND
M;NT LNDV
MRDR VRT
SHDZ LI

1039

That is the best post I’ve seen here yet. Huzzah!

1040

LOTR meets Sarah MacLachlan… (again, with apologies)

Sauron comes out at night
That’s when the ringwraiths come
And the dark side’s light
And Saruman roams

Gandalf struts out to where
he can inspire with suicide pose
To Cross a bridge and die
So Balrog won’t come

Buidling a Mystery

Cave trolls live in the shaft
where we sleep with tombs of old
and we won’t give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls

Hobbits barefoot in the snow
But their smiles won’t wash away

Ringwraiths look out the window
without a shadow getting in the way

Arwen’s so beautiful
with an ancient charm
So careful
when Aragorn’s in her arms

Gandalf’s working
building a mystery
holdng on
and holding it in

Gandalf’s working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully

Frodo woke, screaming aloud
a prayer from a secret god

The Ring feeds off our fears
we hold back our tears oh

Gollum gives us a tantrum
And Sam a know-it-all grin
just when we need one
when the evening falls

Eowyn’s beautiful
her uncle’s got a fucked up mind
Saruman set it up
But Gandalf’ll make him sharp

Gandalf’s working
building a mystery
holdng on
and holding it in

Gandalf’s working
buidling a mystery
and choosing
so carefully

(instrumental)

ooh Gandalf’s working
building a mystery
holding on
and holding it in

yeah Gandafl’s working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully

yeah Gandalf’s working
buildng a mystery
holding on
and holding it in

oh yeah Gandalf’s working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully

Gandalf’s building a mystery

1041

WITHOUT PREJUDICE
Re: Sauron ats Baggins

Dear Mr. Crebain:

We apologize for the delay in our response to your letter of January 9th, last, as we were involved with conferences, meetings and telephone discussions in connection with certain individuals relating to this matter.

Please be advised that we are now in possession of sworn affidavits to the effect of the following:

  1. An Affidavit of Mr. Gollum which states, under oath, that Mr. Gollum claims sole and original ownership of the said property, prior to his release of same to Mr. Bilbo Baggins. Mr. Gollum indicates in his affidavit that the said property was precious to him and that he lost same to Mr. Baggins as a result of a venture which appears to be entirely legal and binding upon the parties. Obviously, any claim that your client may have to the said property will likely be held up by any prior claim to ownership by Mr. Gollum.

  2. An affidavit of Mr. Bilbo Baggins in which he states, under oath, that he found the ring while on vacation and, after attempting to return same to the individual who claimed ownership, he resultantly earned same by means of said legal and binding venture between himself and Mr. Gollum.

In consideration of the foregoing, we reiterate that, again, it is abundantly clear that the case law of Bridge v Hawksworth and Parker v British Airways would be entirely applicable herein, inasmuch that the said property was found by Mr. Baggins, returned to whom he believed to be its rightful owner, and then earned by means of a legal and binding venture between the parties.

Be advised further that we are scheduled to conduct interviews with Mr. Gandalf the Wizard and Mr. Elrond the Elf, in connection with their knowledge pertaining to the “robbery” incident which your client intends to claim. Preliminary discussions with both Messrs. Gandalf and Elrond indicate that your client was solely responsible for precipitating the situation during which the property in question was removed from his person by Prince Isuldur, following the formal declaration of war by Elven-king Gil-galad and Elendil, High King of Gondor. We are informed that, during the incident in question, your client visited upon those present with such deadly and unconscionable violence, that the parties involved were forced to defend themselves in a manner which any competent Court would determine “self-defensive” in nature. Your client’s unrepentant murder of the innocent parties involved would clearly indicate that he did not, in fact, attend peacefully upon the situation in any manner whatsoever.

In addition to our earlier opinion that your client’s claims are invalid based upon statutes limiting the duration of your client’s claims to between a minimum of two years and a maximum of fifteen years, the evidence amassed by our firm, to date, clearly indicates that, should this matter become litigious, we are entirely confident that, not only will our client retain ownership of the said property, but that the said Court will levy extreme punitive damages upon your client for wrongful and malicious pursuit by such litigation.

Furthermore, we have been advised by our client that certain representatives of your client, and perhaps your firm, have personally attended upon our client’s residence in an effort to obtain the said property by force. We hereby advise you that such action is entirely improper and will be likely be looked upon unfavourably by the Court, should this matter proceed to litigation. We have advised our client that, should your client, his agents or representatives continue to pursue him personally, we will ask the Court to levy further punitive damages upon your client for the obvious psychological “pain and suffering”caused by your client’s pursuit of this action.

We strongly urge you to advise your client to cease and desist from pursuing this obviously fallacious claim, and remain,

Yours faithfully,

Dewey Cheatem & Howe
Barristers and Solicitors

per:

I.M. Cheatem, Q.C.
c.c. Mr. J. Cochrane