If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1122

A dark figure approaches Frodo
“Who are you?”

“I am Sauron.”

“Wait a moment.”

“They all say that. I grant no reprieves.”

Frodo thinks.
“You play ring-toss, don’t you?”

There is a gleam of interest in Sauron’s eye.
“How did you know that?”

“I have heard it sung in ballads. Long ballads. Very Long. Hobbits sing long ballads. Sooooo so so long, you have no idea, not to mention wizards and their ponderous pontifications…”

Sauron raises a white hand.
“Silence! In fact – I’m quite a good ring-toss player. I practice every day. Well, not every day, but most days…”

(sorry, Monty Python started to creep in there)

1123

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by mocroidh *
**Folk songs a la LOTR
**

Mocroidh, this is just marvelous! Bravo. Oh, and sorry for spelling your name wrong a few posts ago. I hate that you can’t edit these things after you post them. :-/

KathleenTheCritic

1124

“Just the place for an Orc!” the Wizard cried,
As he opened the gate with care;
Shoving them all through the portal wide
And dragging them down each stair.

“Just the place for an Orc! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for an Orc! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.”

The crew was complete: Gimli, Dwarf of yore–
Who refused to speak to the Elf–
Boromir, the wanna be King of Gondor–
Recounting his brave feats to himself.

Frodo, the Hobbit who carried the Ring
And an Orc-proof T-shirt of mithril,
Prodded the Hobbits with the point of his Sting
When they lagged as they often will.

There was one who was famed for the number of names
He had when he embarked on the quest:
Aragorn, Strider, Chief Dunedain,
But Isildur’s Heir was the best.

“There is Gandalf shouting!” Aragorn said.
“He is shouting like mad, like a dork!
He is waving his staff, he is wagging his head,
He has certainly found an Orc!”

Erect and sublime, for one moment of time.
In the next, that wild figure they saw
(As if stung by a spasm) plunge into a chasm,
While they waited and listened in awe.

“Fly, you fools!” was the sound that first came to their ears,
There seemed no point in hanging around.
“Last one out must pick up the tab for the beers!”
And they ran for the door with a bound.

from “The Hunting of the Orc” by Lewis Carroll

1125

Uruk-Hai captain Ugluk was attempting to use his spear as an unwieldy
toothpick. While snarling in battle earlier, a Gobblin elbow found
it’s way into his mouth. His clumsy hands and over sized toothpick only
made things worse.

He always felt vaguely irritable after outnumbering his enemy 10000 to
one, and still loosing. He wondered if roasting the two hobbits for
dinner would make him feel any better? He’d still outnumber them 10000
to one, but at least he wouldn’t loose.

“Hello everybody” he grunted. “This is your Captain Ugluk speaking, so
stop whatever you are doing and listen. Firstly, for our fine hobbit
friends: Carrying you and listening to you wine all day has finally
got on my nerves. I’ve decided to roast you for dinner tonight.
Unfortunately, Saruman didn’t give me any salt and pepper, so you’re
going to taste pretty bland. However, if I’m in a good mood, I might
let you listen to the Uruk-Hai snarl first”

“Secondly, we’re going to Saruman and demand better food rations on
our missions. If Gladriel can give her elves Lembas, the least we can
get is some seasonings to go with roast hobbits?”

Pippin kicked himself. “Merry, did you hear that?” he said urgently,
“What do you think will happen?”

“Well” Merry reluctantly replied. “If we’re lucky, we’ll get roasted
salt less for dinner”

“And if we’re not?” cried Pippin appalled.

“Ugluk might snarl before roasting us.”

The Red Book has something to say about Uruk-Hai snarls:

"The Uruk-Hai snarl is the third worst snarl in the history of Middle
earth. Most warriors would rather kill themselves in battle than
listen to an Uruk-Hai gloat over his trademark snarl. The sound isn’t
too bad. But the Uruk-Hai tend to open their mouths wide while
snarling. In these pre- toothbrush days, a diet of raw meat and 50
decaying teeth makes the odor unbearable.

A notable exception to this however are the Rangers. Some hundred
odd years of riding the planes without showering makes any Orc breath
almost unnoticeable."

Ugluk smiled to himself. Snarling for an audience always lifted his
spirits. The unsalted hobbit roast shortly was an added bonous. He
prodded his canines in gleeful anticipation.

The Hobbits trembelled all over. Rumors of the Orcbreath had spread
far and wide, and to date no Dwarf, Elf of Hobbit had lived to tell
the tail.

“Psst. Pippin” whispered Merry. “Stuff this in your nose when Ugluk
snarls”

“Why? What is it?” said Pippin.

“Aragorn’s scarf.”

“No thanks” growled Pippin and flung it to the ground. As if the stale
Lembas wasn’t bad enough.

“Trust me. It’ll help. We’ve been with Aragorn long enough to resist
the odor. And in comparison Orcbreath should be Simbelmyne?”

Pippin was still reluctant. “Suppose we just hold our breath?”

Merry gaped. Here was a simple approach that hadn’t’ quite occurred to
him before. Ingenious. It actually might work. The timing would be
tricky though. If they held their breath too long, they might pass
out. If they held it for little, Orcbreath would wreak havoc on their
olfactory glands.

Ugluk approached them with determination. He pulled back his
dreadlocks, drew in a deep breath and parted his lips.

Merry and Pippin held their breath.

“Ughhhhgghhhghhhghhghhghhghhhghhh…”

Merry and Pippin let out their breath.

“Very impressive” said Pippin “Your poise was most warlike”.

Merry gaped again. Sheer genius. This Hobbit’s done it twice now.

“Suppose you turn left and snarl again for us Ugluk?” piped Pippin.
“You would look more man… erm Orcly”

Ugluk was taken aback. Never before had he received praise for his
Uruk-Hai snarl. Generally it was because he used sharp instruments to
unseam his dying opponents right after his snarl. But nevertheless,
praise was praise, and admiring fans must be appeased.

He turned to his left and let loose. A hundred orcs within smelling
distance fell lifeless to the ground

“How was that” he grunted triumphantly.

“Excellent. Even better that the first one” exclaimed Merry. “How
about looking the other way this time?”

Ugluk turned right and snarled. Another hundred orcs fell dead.

“Hey, someone’s killing us” shouted an Uruk-Hai from the rear. “We’re
under attack”

Three orcs snarled unanimously. Another fifty odd breathed their last.

They grabbed their weapons and started fighting each other.
Intelligence never was their strong point. Merry and Pippin slunk away
in the chaos.

1126

Well, I’m a bit late for the party here and my first few ideas have already been taken. I tried to do a Clive Cussler or Gene Wolfe but neither came out particularly well, so I’ll just inflict this on everyone…

(Video: Montage of shots showing an ornate palace and surrounding village nestled in a valley. Camera zooms in to show a figure standing at the top of one of the towers.)

Phil Keoghan: Rivendell. The latest Pit Stop in a Race across Middle Earth. A Race to destroy the One Ring of Power. Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg of their jouney for a mandatory rest period; a chance to recover and mingle with the other teams.

(Video: Scenes of teams arriving in Rivendell and being greeted by Elrond and Arwen. “Welcome to Rivendell”. Other scenes of teammembers talking to each other. Shots of Aragorn flirting with Arwen, Legolas and Gimli arguing and of Boromir staring at Frodo.)

Phil: Will Legolas and Gimli overcome their differences and start working together? Will Boromir continue to work with his teammate Aragorn, or will he allow his obvious attraction for the Ring carried by rival team member Frodo sway his judgement. And, will we ever see both Gandalf’s, the Grey and the White, together. Find out tonight on, The Amazing Ringwraiths… er… Race.

(Video: Dramatic music plays. Quick montage of scenes from around Middle Earth. Rowing boats on the river Isen, horseback riding in Rohan, climbing among the rocks of Mt. Doom, etc.)

Scene: Gates of Rivendell. Frodo and Sam approach.

Phil: (Voiceover) Frodo and Sam, having used their Fast Forward after Frodo’s injury at Weathertop, were the first to arrive at Rivendell at the end of the last leg and so have not only gained the right to carry the One Ring, they are also the first to leave for this leg of the Race.

Frodo: (Ripping open envelope and reading contents) Get yourselves to the base of Mt. Caradhras in the Misty Mountains. You must travel by foot; use of eagles is not allowed. (Looks up.) Come on, Sam.

(Video: Quick zoom across Middle Earth to the Misty Mountains.)

Phil: (Voiceover) Teams must now travel on foot across treacherous terrain to the base of the rugged Misty Mountains, all the while avoiding the spies of Sauron and the fighting Uruk-ai from Isengard.

Samwise: (Interview segment) Everyone seems to think that Mister Frodo and I can’t keep up the pace, but they’re forgettin’ that we picked up some taters and carrots back in Farmer Maggot’s field, so we’s eatin’ better than the rest of them. I think they’re going to be surprised.

(Scene: Gates of Rivendell. Merry & Pippin and Aragorn & Boromir arrive together.)

Merry: (Reading clue.) Get to Mt. Caradhras. (Looks around.) Mt. Caradhras? Where’s that?

Boromir: Gondor! That’s in the direction of Gondor!

Aragorn: Steady on, friend. Let’s not jump to conclusions.

Boromir: (Interview segment) Everyone wants to destroy the Ring. “Throw it into Mount Doom!” they say. (Leans forward.) Well, I plan to win this Race and claim the Ring for Gondor and I’m not above playing dirty to get it.

(Scene: Gates of Rivendell: Legolas & Gimli and Gandalf the Grey arrive. Gandalf keeps gesturing to someone off-screen who seems to be ignoring him.)

Legolas: (reading clue) Travel to Mt. Caradhras. No eagles.

Gandalf: No eagles? (bleep)! I was… I mean, we were counting on them!

Gimli: Ah-ha! Caradhras! Maybe we can stop in to see my cousin Balin! (to Legolas) I’ll introduce to to real Dwarven hospitality!

Legolas: (rolling eyes) I’ll be looking forward to it.

Gimli: (Interview segment) Legolas and I really do get on pretty well. I mean, we have that whole elf/dwarf thing going against us and that shows up a lot in our interactions but I think we can overcome that and I hope that this Race can really help us strengthen our friendship.

(Video: Various scenes of teams travelling across Middle Earth. A flock of birds controlled by Sauron forces the lead teams to hide and allows the others to catch up. All teams are bunched up as they arrive at the base of the Misty Mountains.)

(Scene: Everyone arrives at the base of a forbidding mountain. A clue box and several Race flags are visible and everyone rushes to the box and pulls out envelopes.)

Sam: (yelling) Detour, Mister Frodo! Detour!

Phil: A Detour is a choice of two possible tasks, each with their own pros and cons. In this case, the two choices are “White Climb” or “Black Walk”.

(Video: Scenes of a steep, snow covered mountainside.)

Phil: (Voiceover) In “White Climb”, the players must attempt to cross the Pass of Caradhras. It’s a steep, cold and difficult journey, but they will only have to face the forces of nature.

(Video: Scenes of a ruined, underground city.)

Phil: (Voiceover) In “Black Walk”, the players must pass under the mountains through the Mines of Moria. The passage is dark but otherwise easy. But, their journey will be opposed by orcs and other, darker, denizens of the deep under mountain.

Gandalf: There is much danger under the mountains. We must try for the pass.

Pippin: Climbing? Caves? That’s it? That’s our only choices? This is crazy! I can’t do this! (Sits down to sulk, Merry attempts to cheer him up.)

Gimli: The Mines of Moria! Didn’t I tell you! My cousin Balin will surely welcome all of us there!

Legolas: I’m not sure. Lately a shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind and I am not certain that our passage there would be unobserved.

Gimli: (Interview segment) I had hoped to convince everyone to take the Mines. I was certain that Balin could provide us with supplies and I was counting on convincing him to delay the other teams long enough for us to get to the lead.

Sam: I’m not sure about this Mister Frodo. What do you think?

Frodo: Let’s wait and see what the others do.

Aragorn: Let us take the pass. (Starts running) Come, Boromir!

Boromir: (muttered) Come, Boromir… Come, Boromir… (yells) You still aren’t king, you know!. (Runs after Aragorn.)

Frodo: Come on, Sam! (Runs off, Sam following.)

Merry: Hey, wait for us! (Runs off after the others, Pippin reluctantly following.)

Merry: (Interview segment) To be honest, we really weren’t sure where we were going, so I figured the best thing to do would be to follow Strider. I figured that since he was a Ranger he should know what he was doing.

Gandalf: (Gestures to someone off-screen several times, then throws up his hands in frustration and runs off as well.)

Legolas: Come on, Gimli. They’re getting ahead of us!

Gimli: But… but… the Mines! Balin!

Legolas: (Already running up the mountain.) Come on!

Legolas: (Interview segment) I was desperate to keep Gimli out of the Mines. I didn’t want him partaking in the revelries of a Dwarven hall. If he had run into Balin, he would probably still be down there drinking ale and singing Dwarven songs.

(Scene: Teams struggling up the side of the mountain. The deep snow is particularly difficult for the Hobbits and for Gimli, who are following the trail of Aragorn & Boromir and one of the Gandalfs. Legolas is walking on top of the snow and doesn’t look happy with Gimli’s pace.)

Legolas: (Interview segment) Attempting to cross the Pass of Caradhras was probably one of the most frustrating parts of the Race for me. I knew that I would be able to make it across but it was pretty quickly obvious that Gimli couldn’t make it. (Sighs) Dwarves make a living by tunnelling underground and so you would think that tunneling through snow would be a piece of cake for them but apparently that isn’t the case.

Gandalf: (Interview segment) The Pass was much more difficult than I… we had expected it to be. I’m just glad that all of the other teams were having as much trouble as we were. Especially Legolas and Gimli; I had expected them to pass everyone there but apparently Gimli couldn’t handle the snow.

(Scene: Teams are trapped in the snow by a sudden avalanche.)

Boromir: We aren’t going to make it!

Aragorn: Hang on!

Boromir: We aren’t going to make it! We must turn back!

Aragorn: We’ll lose too much time!

Boromir: We’ll lose more than time if we keep going this way! I’m going back! (Turns and starts back down the mountain. Aragorn looks after him in frustration for a few moments then follows.)

Pippin: (Near panic) They’re going back down!

Merry: Then we’ll follow them.

Pippin: But, why are they going back down!

Sam: We must turn back, sir!

Frodo: Don’t give up, Sam!

Sam: But, what should we do?

Frodo: (Thinks) Let’s try the Mines. We can’t make it through this snow on our own. (Both Hobbit teams turn back down the Mountain.)

Gimli: I’m going back too! (Starts back down. Legolas pulls his bow and aims at him, then sighs, replaces it and hurries after Gimli.)

Gandalf: Ha-ha! The fools. (To someone off-screen) Come on! This is our chance. (Starts struggling forward then stops and looks behind him.) Wait! Where are you going? We can do this! Come back! Come… (He sags and looks down.) (Bleep)ing idiot! (Hurries back down.)

(Scene: The base of a cliff with a dark pool of water nearby. A stone door is set into the cliff with a Race flag and clue box next to it. Teams hurry into view.)

Boromir: (reaching box first and reading clue) Roadblock!

Phil: A Roadblock is a task which only one Team member can perform. But, they must choose who will perform the task without knowing what it is. In this case, that person should be good with riddles.

Sam: A Roadblock? In the middle of a Detour?

Phil: (Reappears briefly, shrugs, then disappears again.)

Boromir: (Reading) …that person should be good with riddles. (Looks up.) I’ll do it!

Sam: (Reading) …good with riddles. You do it sir!

Merry: I’m good with riddles! I’m the brains of this team!

Pippin: (Interview segment) Merry is always going on about how he’s the brains of the Team. It’s frustrating sometimes, since he usually does some of the dumbest things. Of course, that’s a Bradybuck for you!

Gimli: Me! I’m no good at riddles!

Legolas: Yes, but it’s a Dwarvish area!

Gandalf: (Flipping open clue) Speak friend, and enter? What the (bleep)?

Merry: Speak friend, and enter? What does that mean?

Frodo: That isn’t a riddle! That’s a guessing game!

Gollum: (Peeking over rock) It’s as much of a riddle as “What have I got in my pocket?”

Frodo: Huh?

Gollum: Nevermind. (Slinks off)

Merry: Open seaseme!

Pippin: Wrong book.

Merry: Abracadabra!

Pippin: (Sighs)

Gandalf: Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen! Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen! (Nothing happens)

Gandalf: (Confused look) Edro, edro! (More nothing happens) (Bleep)!

Boromir: Argh! This whole thing is stupid! (Starts picking up rocks and throwing them into the pool in frustration until Aragorn manages to calm him down.)

Merry: (Getting idea) Gandalf, what’s the elven word for “friend”?

Gandalf: (Irritated) Mellon. Why?

*(Scene: The stone door swings open.){/i]

Merry: Hey hey! I got it! (Everyone crowds around and congratulates Merry, except for Gandalf.)

Gandalf: (Muttering to himself) Idiot. I’m a {bleep)ing idiot! (Gestures to someone off-screen and, glancing at the crowd around Merry, scurries through the door.)

*(Scene: Dark chamber. Gandalf enters and, after gesturing for someone to follow, causes his staff to emit light and looks around. Long-dead bodies of dwarves can be seen scattered around.) *

Gandalf: (Bleep)! (Others come running into chamber)

Gimli: Balin! Balin! It’s me! Gim… Oh (bleep)!

Legolas: (Examining body of dwarf) Orcs!

Boromir: (Puzzled) No, they’re dead dwarves. (Pause) Oh! You mean they were killed by orcs!

Aragorn: (Interview segment) Boromir is a stout companion and a solid supporter of Gondor but he also finds it difficult to resist the call of the Ring. Plus, he’s about as bright as a box of rocks. (Shakes head) And people wonder why I don’t want to be king of these people…

Sam: Sir! Let’s get out of here!

Frodo: I think you’re right, Sam!

Merry: Pippin, let’s go! Pippin?

Pippin: (Already running for exit)

Gimli: (Crying) Balin!

Legolas: (Looking around) Come! We must go!

(Scene: The teams run back for the exit of the mines. Outside, a multi-tentacled creature rises from the pool and attacks them, chasing them back inside. The creature then collapses the cliff above the door, trapping them.)

Phil: (To creature) Thanks. I was getting tired of these teams changing back-and-forth on the Roadblocks all the time. Cthulhu fthagn!

Creature: Bloop!

(Scene: Interior of Moria. Teams are looking dejectedly at the pile of rubble blocking the exit.)

Pippin: Now, that’s what I call a Roadblock!

Merry: Shut up!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! (Lights staff) This way!

Gandalf: (Interview segment) I… er, we had hoped to lose the others in the Mines, but we needed the light in order to see ourselves and it was so dark in the Mines that everyone else was able to follow us.

(Video: Clips of teams traveling through the ruined underground city.)

Legolas: (Interview segment) I almost hate to admit this, but I was quite impressed with the workmanship displayed by the dwarves in Moria. It was almost up to Elven standards. It is unfortunate that we were unable to remain longer. Still, I feel that my brief visit there did help me understand Gimli a bit better and that our relationship improved after our brief time in the Mines.

(Scene: The teams arrive outside of the Tomb of Balin. There is a sign on the side of the door. Merry attempts to read it but Gandalf shoves him aside.)

Gandalf: (Reading) “Tomb of Balin and Bridge of Khazad-dûm - Operating Hours: 8:00 am - 5:00 pm.” (Bleep)!

Sam: 8:00 am!

Frodo: Nothing to do but wait, I suppose. (Settles down to wait, as do the other teams.)

Gandalf: (Continuing to read) “Drums. Drums in the deep. They are coming.” What the (bleep)?

Gimli: (Interview segment) I was quite saddened that we could not spend more time in Moria. It seemed almost wrong for me to be in what was such a special place for my people and not be able to spend more time there. I will certainly plan to return after the Race is over for a proper visit.

(Scene: The teams wait outside the Tomb. As opening hour approaches, they start to stir. Pippin idly picks up a stone and tosses it into a well. The sound of it hitting the bottom echos through the room and disturbs everyone.)

Gandalf: (Angry) Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time!

Pipin: (Interview segment) I don’t know what everyone is so on about. Boromir was throwing stones into the pool outside and this spawn of Cthulhu thingy came out and attacked everyone but no one says anything to him about it! I toss a pebble into a well and suddenly everyone is treating me like I’m about to bring hordes of orcs down on us.

Merry: (Interview segment) You did bring hordes of orcs down on us!

Pipin: (Interview segment) Yes, but… that’s not the point, is it?

(Scene: Everyone is getting their packs together when the sound of drums is heard. The drums get closer and Frodo suddenly pulls his sword to reveal that it is glowing.)

Sam: Orcs!

Aragorn: Stand ready!

Gandalf: (Bleep)!

(Video: Hordes of orcs sweep into the chamber. The teams all draw weapons and begin a runing fight towards the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. A quick montage of scenes shows that all of them are exceptional fighters; even the Hobbits do surprisingly well. A cave troll appears and seems to kill Frodo at one point, but it is revealed that he is wearing mithril armor and survives.)

Aragorn: (Interview segment) The battle under Moria was the first time all of us had fought together and I was quite pleased to see that everyone turned their energies to fighting the orcs instead of each other. Frodo gave us quite a scare at one point but he was all right. I want to win this Race, but I want to do it cleanly and fairly, not on the bodies of my opponents.

Boromir: (Interview segment) I thought I had my chance when that cave troll skewered Frodo but it turned out that that little Hobbit was wearing a suit of Mithril Silver. If it weren’t for that, I would have had the Ring and Aragorn and I would have been halfway to Gondor by now.

Frodo: (Interview segment) My uncle Bilbo had given me his suit of Mithril armor before I left on the Race. He said he had worn it when he had run an earlier version of the Race and thought it might bring me good luck. Of course, I never realized how expensive it really was, which was probably just as well. If I had known it was worth more than the entire Shire I would probably have left it behind.

(Video: Teams continue to fight the orcs and find themselves at the edge of the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. Suddenly, the orcs scatter as a Balrog appears.)

Gandalf: (Resigned) A Balrog. (Sigh) (Bleep)!

Aragorn: (Drawing sword) Boromir! With me!

Boromir: Yeah, right!

Legolas: (Stepping up and drawing bow) I am with you!

Gimli: (Stepping up and drawing axe) As am I!

Gandalf: No! You cannot defeat this foe! To the bridge!

Boromir: No need to tell me twice! (Runs off)

Frodo: Let’s go, Sam! (Runs. Sam follows. Merry and Pippin are already far ahead.)

Aragorn: To the bridge. (Falls back with Legolas and Gimli.)

Legolas: (Interview segment) I hated to leave Gandalf to face the Balrog alone but he did offer to do so and at this point in the Race we needed to start thinking about our own positions.

(Video: Teams run from the Balrog and across the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. Gandalf is bringing up the rear when he suddenly stops and starts gesturing wildly to someone behind him. The Balrog rears up in front of him and he brandishes his staff.)

Gandalf: I wield the flame of Arnor! You shall not pass! (Slams staff into bridge)

(Video: The bridge shatters and the Balrog falls into the depths. As it does, it lashes out with the whip it is wielding and grabs Gandalf. Gandalf is pulled from the bridge but manages to hang onto it for a few seconds.)

Gandalf: (Hanging onto bridge) Fly, you fools! (Falls)

Aragorn: (Interview segment) Gandalf sacrificed himself so that the rest of us would be able to complete the leg of the Race. It was a noble thing to do and affected all of us deeply.

Legolas: (Interview segment) After seeing the bridge shatter, I thought that maybe I should rethink my new opinion on Dwarven workmanship.

(Video: Teams rush along several flights of stairs, dodging occasional orc patrols until they emerge on the far side of the mountain.)

(continued)

1127

I thought of this one awhile ago but didn’t finish it. Given the recent posts of Sting/the Police parodies, however, I thought I’d try again…

“Don’t Throw Away the Ring!”
Old Gollum
The subject
Of Tolkien’s fantasy
He wants it
So badly
Knows what he wants to be
Inside him
There’s longing
For his most precious ring
Ringbearer’s
So close now
He’ll have to get that thing

Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring!
Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring!

Oh, Gollum’s so jealous
You know how bad hobbits get
Sometimes it’s not so easy
To be the Master’s pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
The precious, it left him
He can’t understand why

Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring!
Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring!

He’ll follow them to Mount Doom
To hurt he’ll try and try
Over them the Eye looms
The evil Nazgul fly
It’s no use
He sees it
He starts to shake and cough
He’ll grapple with Frodo
And bite his finger off

Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring!
Don’t throw
Don’t throw
Don’t throw away the ring! [repeat till fade out]

1128

(Scene: A clue box sitting on a sloping field. The teams stagger up. Some are in obvious shock.)

Pippin: (Interview segment) I was stunned. I mean, the Gandalfs were another team and so our opponents but it was horrible to see anyone fall like that.

Aragorn: (Interview segment) I try to remember Gandalf as an honorable companion who gave his life that the rest of us could continue with the Race. He was our opponent, but he was also our friend and companion and I choose to remember him that way.

Boromir: (Interview segment) I’m ashamed to admit that all I could think of was “I guess no one gets Eliminated this leg.”

(Scene: Frodo and Aragorn pull clue envelopes from the box, followed by Legolas and Merry.)

Frodo: (Ripping open clue and reading it) Travel to the forest and the next Pit Stop in Lothlorien. You must travel by foot. No eagles.

Sam: We get to see elves again, Mister Frodo!

Gimli: Lothlorien! I have heard that an elf witch dwells there!

Legolas: It is the home of Celeborn and the Lady Gladriel. (Smiles) Now I can show you elven hospitality.

Gimli: Bah!

(Video: Camera zooms across Middle Earth to a large forest, then into it to the city of Lothlorien.)

Phil: Lothlorien; home of Celeborn and Gladriel and the latest Pit Stop in this Race across Middle Earth.

(Video: Various scenes of teams rushing across open terrain. Arriving at the forest, they find a route marked with Race flags and follow it to where Phil, Celeborn and Gladriel are waiting.)

(Scene: Frodo and Sam come rushing up and step onto the mat.)

Celeborn: Welcome to Lothlorien.

Phil: Frodo and Sam, you’re team number 1.

Frodo: Yes!

Sam: Very good Mister Frodo.

Phil: There’s something else for you as well. For being the first team to arrive, you will receive a free peek into the Mirror of Gladriel.

Frodo: That’s great. That’s really great. You know, after that Nazgul stabbed me back at Weathertop, I was certain that we were out of the Race. But now, with back to back first place finishes, I think we’ve shown everyone else that we’re in this for the long run.

(Scene: Aragorn and Boromir arrive at the mat.)

Celeborn: Welcome to Lothlorien.

Phil: Aragorn… Boromir… you’re team number two.

Aragorn: Thank you. (Kisses Gladriel’s hand.)

Boromir: (Snort) I told you we shouldn’t have stopped to help those Hobbits.

*(Scene: Legolas and Gimli arrive.) *

Celeborn: Legolas, we welcome you to Lothlorien. We accept that this… Gimli… will be with you, but he must be on his best behavior while he is here.

Gimli: (grumble)

Legolas: Gimli has proven himself to be an honorable comrade. If he is not welcome here, then neither am I!

Gimli: Huh?

Gladriel: Hush, Legolas. We know of the spirit of this one. Sir dwarf, please accept my welcome to the land of Lothlorien.

Gimli: (embarrassed, drops to one knee) Um… Um… Thank you, my lady.

Phil: (somewhat amused) Legolas and Gimli… You are the third team to arrive.

Gimli: See! I told you!

Legolas: Let us go, my friend.

(Scene: Merry and Pippin arrive and step onto the mat. They are arguing with each other.)

Merry: It isn’t my fault. I hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast, you know.

Pippin: You could have eaten some of the carrots. You didn’t have to stop and cook a meal!

Merry: I didn’t know you had carrots!

Pippin: You could have asked!

Celeborn: Welcome to Lothlorien.

Merry: Huh?

Pippin: What?

Phil: Merry and Pippin, you are team number four.

Pippin: Yes! We’re still in this!

Merry: Told ya!

(Scene: Teams wander into Lothlorien to rest for the next leg.)

Aragorn: (Interview segment) We are grateful for this opportunity to rest, but we cannot truly rest until we have achieved our goal.

Boromir: (Interview segment) (Obviously uncomfortable) I thought my goal was clear. But, it is like this woman, this Gladrial, can see my innermost thoughts. And, I cannot be proud of what she sees there.

Gimli: (Interview segment) I thought I had seen beauty before, but now that I have lain eyes on the Lady, I realize that all before has been swept away. I am truly humbled.

Frodo: (Interview segment) I will carry the Ring whereever I must; even into the depths of Mordor itself.

Sam: (Interview segment) We will Mister Frodo. We will.

Phil: Next week, on The Amazing Ringwraiths… er… Race. Teams race to Arganoth, but tensions between Boromir and Frodo may tear their teams apart. Then, Frodo and Sam’s choice of which Roadblock to perform will change the Race for everyone.

1129

Speaking of Monty Python…

Outside the gates of Mordor…

Gollum: Master, I havesss an idea…

(cut to view of soldiers outside the Black Gate, looking bored)

(cut to view of pastoral scene of trees… sounds of hammering, axes, and finally a chainsaw)

(cut to view of large wooden rabbit…er, coney…being wheeled up to the Black Gate and being taken inside)

(cut to view of Gollum, Frodo and Sam looking down at the Black Gate from the nearby hillside)

Frodo: and now what happens, Smeagol?

Smeagol: Now, you, Ssssam, and I, we waits until dark…then we hopsss out of the rabbit, catching Ssssauron’s armies in their sleep! Not only in their sleep, but totally by surprise!

Sam: WHO leaps out?

(Frodo smacks his head)

Gollum: Perhaps if we built a large wooden Nazgul…

(scene fades)

1130

Thanks! Thought it was rather mundane myself, but I’m glad others were amused. :smiley: Don’t worry about the spelling. I use that user name precisely because the spelling’s so weird (being Gaelic and all) that usually it hasn’t already been taken. If you aren’t already aware, it would be pronounced “ma-cree” - gotta love those Celts…

BTW, your Westron Side Story is fabulous!!! “I feel gritty, oh so gritty…” :stuck_out_tongue:

1131

Lord of the Crosses , by Jack Chick:

[Gandalf has just arived in the Shire, where he encounters Frodo.]

FRODO: Hey, Gandalf! Look at this neat magic ring that my uncle Bilbo left me!

GANDALF: [thinking] Lord, give me the courage to show the truth to this poor Hobit.

GANDALF: [speaking] Magic rings are nothing to be trifled with, Frodo.

[Frodo turns up his nose and gives Gandalf a dismissing wave.]

FRODO: Bah! I’m not worried. The ring is mine now and I want to have some fun with it.

GANDALF: There was once another man who felt as you do. His name was Isildur.

[Flashback to the defeat of Sauron. Isildur stands triumphant over Sauron’s smoldering armor. He holds Sauron’s ring in his hand.]

CAPTION: “Isildur had killed Sauron and taken his ring, but instead of destroying it once and for all, he kept it.”*

ISILDUR: I shall keep this as an heirloom, for it is precious to me.

FOOTNOTE: * Isl. 2:10.

[Isildur is now in a big, divine chamber. He is naked and cowering before a giant, faceless, glowing god who points and accusing finger at him.]

CAPTION: “But the ring betrayed Isildur, and after he was slain, he was judged by God.”*

ISILDUR: But I killed Sauron. Doesn’t that count for anything?

GOD: Your name does not appear in the Book of Life, so I must cast you into outer darkness.

FOOTNOTE: * Isl. 8:24.

[Next, we see a close-up of Gollum. He is holding out his hand and licking one of his eyebrows clean with his tongue.]

CAPTION: “The ring was then possesed by a Hobbit named Smeagol, and it changed him into a creature filled with lust and wickedness.”*

GOLLUM: Give our precious back to us so that we may know it. Heh, heh, heh…

FOOTNOTE: * Bil. 5:71.

[Frodo now looks terrified. He is sweating profusely and his hands are shaking.]

FRODO: Oh, no! I don’t want to end up like them! But if they were corrupted by the ring, what hope do I have?

GANDALF: Ah, but you do have a hope, and his name is Jesus Christ.

FRODO: Jesus Christ?

[Flashback to a council of Elves, Dwarves, and Men. Jesus is standing and speaking before them.]

CAPTION: “Yes. Jesus came to Middle Earth with a plan, which he revealed at the council of Elrond.”*

JESUS: The ring was forged in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be destroyed. For the Kingdom of God is like a forest full of Ents…

FOOTNOTE: * Elr. 3:16.

FRODO: What must I do, Gandalf?

GANDALF: Bow your head and pray this prayer: Jesus, I come to you because I am a ring bearer. Guide me to Mordor so that I may wash away its corruption with your lava. Amen.

CAPTION: It looks like Frodo is saved, but are YOU? If you have an evil magic ring, pledge to destroy it TODAY!

1132

I love this website! I almost fell out of my chair reading these posts. Here’s some more:

A Ring of Power here beside the fire
A twisted Stoor, and someone from the Shire
Beside me singing in the Cracks of Doom
Oh, would that we could flee great Sauron’s ire!
–The Fellowship of Omar Khayyam, rendered into English verse by Edward Fitzgerald

Double, double, toil and trouble
Mountain burn and lava bubble
Round about the cavern go
In the severed finger throw
Stoor, that under mountain’s stair
Has spent his life on bauble fair
Now approaches, with all thought
Bent on revenge, and end of plot…
–The Tragedy of MacFrodo, by William Shakespeare

anybody up for Hamlet?

1133

Excerpts from:

UNLESS they alter their course and there’s no reason why they should, they’ll reach the tower in two days at the latest."

Saruman leaned placidly on his staff about length of a corn-stalk and for a few seconds gazed without answering at the agitated orc. Then he took the staff, and leaned slightly forward. With his bristling white hair, sharp nose, and intense eyes, he had the look of an aging and shabby eagle.

“Decent of you,” he murmured, “walking up all those stairs just to give me the tip. But you’re pulling my leg of course when you say I must flee this bunker. Why, even a herd of Saurons couldn’t drive rne from this tower of mine.”

The leading orc threw up lean and lanky arms and clawed the air with wildly distended fingers. “Sauruman!” he shouted. “You’re insane! They’re not creatures you can fight–they’re elemental!’ 40 feet high, 30 feet wide–ents, nothing but ents! And every single one of them a fiend from the forest; before you can spit three times they’ll crush the Uruk Hai to the bones. I tell you if you don’t clear out at once there’ll he nothing left of you but a skeleton crush as completely as the tower.”

Saruman grinned. “Elemental, my Eye! Anyway, I’m not an old woman; I’m not going to run for it just because an elemental’s on the way. And don’t think I’m the kind of fathead who tries to fend off lightning with his fists either. I use my intelligence, foolish orc. With me, the brain isn’t a second blindgut; I know what it’s there for. When I began to build this army six months ago, I took into account all that could conceivably happen to it. And now I’m ready for anything and everything–including your ents.”

[…later…]

Saruman lay on his bed, his body exhausted and worn from the battle. Now the remaining orcs thronged around his tower throne, one question in every face. Would he recover? “He won’t lose,” said the orc who he favoured, “if he doesn’t want to.”

The wizard opened his eyes. “Everything in order?” he asked.

“They’re gone,” said an orc. “To the forest.” He held out to his master a cup full of a powerful sleeping draught. Saruman gulped it down.

“I told you they wouldn’t take the tower,” he murmured, “even if my army is a bit streamlined.” He grinned and shut his eyes. He slept.

1134

I’ve got to kill and kill now,
Eat who i want - I know how.
Hobbit and human and elf,
I might lose control of myself.
Eye on the target-and wham-
One shot, one spear shot, and bam-
Hey, Mister Sauron, here I am!

I’ll ride the wargs out, I’ll beat the drum,
If they beat my brains out, more are at my back, sir,
They will kick and scream and hack, sir,
And one of us with take them.

Don’t tell me not to kill, I’ve simply got to.
Don’t tell me not maim, I’m me and not you!
Nobody, no, nobody,
Is gonna rain on my orc raid!

1135

Strider scanned the Pony quicksville, figuring the players and slotting
conclusions. First conclusion: the shitstorm in the West was stirring up
business for Butterbur. Foregone conclusion: Big man Butterbur was into
rackets up to his eyeballs. Pipeweed, dice, renting rooms by the half-hour
for farmers’ sons digging halfling cooze. BIG conclusion: too much
curiousity by some of the customers. BIGGER conclusion: Black Riders
sniffing around. BIGGEST: Four shit-kicking hobbits from the Shire renting
rooms–THEM.

He lit up his own pipe, took two quick hits and scanned more carefully this
time, riding the 'weed tingle behind his eyes. Spies in the corner: too
many eyes in here to take them out. Midget voices, loud: THEM, bullshitting
about the Shire–THEIR home. TOO loud: eyeball men slipping out the door.
Strider crooked a finger at THEIR leader: HIM. He cracked his knuckles,
making fists and motioning HIM to sit down.

“I’m Strider.” Hushed voice–sotto fucking voce. “Mr.
Underhill”–crooked smile. The smile says “I know YOU.” The smile
says “I know who YOU are.” The smile says “I know YOU have IT.” His eyes:
not smiling. Frodo’s eyes: look away, can’t take the heat.

“Your friends have big mouths.” Strider leaned back, cracked his knuckles.
“Blotto and talking is not a good combination.” Frodo nodded and looked over
at Sam and Pippin: one blabbing–slurred-speech stories bullshit
begging for the next drink. The other one looked back at Frodo.

Strider NEW conclusion: Sam fruit-hinky on Frodo–a complication.
Babysitting four midgets a BIG THING now, Strider reconsidering his deal:
Gandalf, mover, shaker, shakedown artist–you bring the four halflings to
Rivendell or I snitch you to the Elrond for Arwen. Gandalf: big time Elf
juice, one of the Wise–no way out. Arwen images floated in behind the
pipeweed: forbidden fruit BIG TIME. More conclusions: Elves do not like Men
getting Elf trim. Second conclusion: Elrond ran the Elf operation in the
North, he ESPECIALLY does not like Men getting Elf trim. Make it three:
Gandalf makes the call, two days later he is nailed to a tree with Elf
arrows through his ball sack.

Three options: grab Arwen and split. No go: Elrond is Outfit, he has juice
everywhere. Gandalf has juice everywhere. Second option: do
as Gandalf says, hand-hold hapless homo halflings to Rivendell. Third
option, VERY TEMPTING: snitch the Ring to Sauron in return for Arwen,
Sauron brings the black curtain down over the West; Elrond neutralized;
Gandalf neutralized; Elves neutralized. Brain jump: Sauron would promise
ANYTHING for Ring. Brain jump: Arwen and Strider living the squarejohn
life in Sauron territory–FUNNY.

Dig: Pippin talking too much. Dig: Frodo jumps up on the table and starts
singing. Strider takes a loooooong hit. Feeling goooooood. He goofs on the
dancing midget. Watch him dance! Watch him sing! Watch him FUCKING
DISAPPEAR! Too stupid: Option three and a half coming into focus–Black
Riders/Weathertop/Four dead midgets.

1136

More Gilbert and Sullivan

He polished up the ring so carefully,
That now he gets to travel to a far country.

1137

You’re listening to Flamepoints on Lothlorien Radio, we now go to Strider the Ranger for the Strider Report.

In today’s news, things heat up in Mordor, Insengard begins illegally clearcutting old growth, and a contentious convergance meeting in Rivendell seeks consensus on how to deal with an impending fascist onslaught. In Bree, I’m Strider.

Mount Doom is continuing to exhibit unusual activity, leading many progressives to fear that the worst is yet to come. Though the regime of Sauron hasn’t had the strength to attack its neighbors in centuries, observers say it is possible that his minions are hard at work planning ways to break alliances among the nations and exploit racial suspicions which continue to persist, and to ignite coups and install puppet dictators whereever it is able. Sauron is said to be hungry for his One Ring, reportedly having sent a death squad to the Shire in the belief that the world’s most powerful artifact might have somehow surfaced in the small, unarmed, agrarian state.

Meanwhile, in an apparent switch in political alignment, Saruman the Wise has begun clearcutting huge areas of forest in the vicinity of his Isengard headquarters, apparently having sided with Sauron and seemingly bent on developing a massive war machine. One can only wonder what communications are occurring between Barador and Isengard, but it looks as if they are planning a war which will span for decades and dwarf any horror Middle Earth has previously seen.

And finally, Rivendell was the scene of a contentious meeting between the major bipedal races to discuss how to address the impending crisis. The elfin and dwarven delegations nearly came to blows several times throughout the day, kept from a violent floor fight only by Gandalf the Grey and a few Hobbits, whose plan the delegated eventually ratified. With grim looks on their faces and tearful fairwells, a international team departed on a secret route to whereabouts unknown, with all the hopes of Middle Earth hinged on the outcome.

And that’s some of the news for today. In Bree, I’m Strider the Ranger for Flamepoints.

1138

Excellent! I thought for sure it would end with “For the orc was an uruk-hai, see?” though. Maybe there are a few more verses still to come? (hint, hint)

1139

As re-told by the National Lampoon

“Do you like what you doth see…?” said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito’s throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.

She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her.

“Let me make thee more comfortable,” she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. “Touch me, oh touch me,” she crooned.

Frito’s hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.

“Toes, I love hairy toes,” she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito’s nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.

“But I’m so small and hairy, and…and you’re so beautiful,” Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters.

The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. “There is one thing you must do for me first,” she whispered into one tufted ear.

“Anything,” sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. “Anything!”

She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. “The Ring,” she said. “I must have your Ring.”

Frito’s whole body tensed. “Oh no,” he cried, “not that! Anything but…that.”

“I must have it,” she said both tenderly and fiercely. “I must have the Ring!”

Frito’s eyes blurred with tears and confusion. “I can’t,” he said. “I musn’t!”

But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden’s hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully…

1140

Someone requested Eddie Izzard, and I think someone actually did an Eddie Izzard bit aways back, but here’s another, because I love Eddie Izzard:
Excerpts from the HBO Special Eddie Izzard: Dress in Mithril…(in which Eddie plays all the characters, of course)…

Gandalf (stern parent voice): Bilbo, what have you got in your hand?

Bilbo (little kid voice): Nothing…okay, it’s the Ring…with power over a number of countries…

Gandalf: give it back…

Bilbo: Ohhhh all right…(kicks the floor with his heel)

Eddie (just narrating without a character): Sauron’s the big bad guy…but Saruman used to be nice. So maybe Saruman’s interrogators would be somewhat more lenient, eh? Starts you thinking, doesn’t it? You get captured, and they make you choose…lembas or death! I mean, Lembas or death, that’s a pretty easy choice, eh? Anyone can answer that question…

Unknown Interrogator Character: You! Lembas or death?

Sam: Um…Lembas please.

Interrogator: All right then! Give him Lembas!.. YOU! Lembas or death?

Merry: Um… I’d like lembas too.

Interrogator: Very well! Give him lembas too! At this rate, we’re going to run out of lembas…YOU! Lembas or death?

Pippin: Death please…I mean lembas!

Interrogator: Ohhh, you said death first!

Pippin: I meant lembas!

Interrogator: Ohh, all right. You’re lucky I work for Saruman…

(and so on)

1141

A Hobbytte ther was, and that a worthye hobbytte,
Bye the name of Frodo,
That fro the tyme that he first bigan
To ridden out, he loved chilvarie,
Trouthe and honour, freedom and curteisie,
An thus he was bidden to berre
A Ringe of Power to the Mont of Mordor
For the destruccion of it.

With hym ther was his servyng man, a yong Hobbytte,

Yong Samwise Gamgee,
A gardenere and a lusty drynker,
Of fifty yeer of age he was, I gesse.
A more loyall and brayve Hobbytte,
Ther ne’er wasse,
So fulle of Love for his Master.

A Ranger ther wasse in the partye,

An he was clad in cote and hood of grene.
And in his hand he baar a nyghty Sworde,
Wroughte by the Ellves ,
Harneised wel and sharpe as point of spere.

Ther wasse also an Ellfe, Legolas,

Who was sharpe of eye and keen of ear,
A tracker and shooter of excellente skille,
He had the beautee of his Kinde,
An the longe yeres of Ellves,
But alas, he wasse doomed
To be parted fromme his fellowe Elfs
For the calle of the Ringe.

A Dwarf ether was with a thicke berd,

Though brayve and hardy,
He was as cursed as his kinde,
Wi’ lowly stature,
An culd not mount a horse,
Muche lesse ridden sech a best.

A greate Wizzard ther was also,

Who all named Gandalfe the Grey,
Wi’ his greate staffe and knowledge,
He led the Bande of Heroes on ther Queste.

~ Geoffrey Chaucer

I can’t think of a suitable title though…